[paw_x]

My partner is an ex-alcoholic. We first got together years ago and a few months into it, I realised he wasn’t just using cocaine recreationally like I’d thought, he had a massive habit. We barely lasted 6 months before I had to end things as I was effectively enabling him by keeping him rent free, despite his job paying more than mines. I have a daughter and I had to put our lives first.

I was left in debt. He is from a good family who helped him go to rehab and get back on his feet. He ended up doing really well, got himself a new career. Over a year after we split, we started chatting & eventually got back together. We bought a flat together and it felt like we’d built a great life together after everything.

Last year though, a local boy started in his work and he was giving him lifts. Turns out new guy had a habit. After a while of having it literally under his nose every day, he ended up relapsing after 3 years of sobriety. It came at the worst possible time as we had just reserved a new house, we were about to take on the biggest financial commitments we’d ever had.

I was devastated but he promised he’d fix it. He started going back to meetings at first, after a while he stopped but he had excuses for not having as much money to contribute as he had an expensive MOT etc. I focused on working hard to sell our flat and getting ready for the move. He announced he’d blown our savings which we’d put by to pay for the flooring and furniture for the house. It broke me, after how hard he’d worked and how much it apparently meant to him to get me back.

Again he promised he’d fix it. We managed to scrape together the money we needed with him working away for weeks, leaving me to deal with everything myself. He went to meeting after meeting when he was home – again, only at first. We moved into a beautiful home and I furnished it from top to bottom. But the money he was transferring to make up for everything I’d bought was never as much as he said it would be. He started sitting up late at night and barely speaking to me. When I asked why the money he’d sent was short, he’d transfer something and say not to worry. I got scared to even ask. I knew the answer. He hadn’t mentioned any meetings in a month. Turns out he’s still using.

I don’t know what to do. Everything I read says to support the addict and make them feel loved, but I can’t act like there’s no consequences for what he’s doing as I am terrified he will continue to slip and slip and I will be left, like I was before, in piles of debt after working so hard to get to where we are. One of my friends asked me “so what happens if this keeps happening? Do you just forgive him again and again?” and I genuinely have no idea. I don’t see how I can live the rest of my life like this – paranoid every time he leaves the house, never knowing where he is, and never knowing if we’re actually okay or if actually everything is about to come crumbling down. I feel broken.

[eddie123]

If you know of anyone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction, I know of a great charity that supports people nationwide. The family support programme is remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours.

https://www.adaptoxford.org.uk/support

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[AgentSmith]

Sounds like a scary logic to support something that is just gonna take you down big time .

I think with drugs its a lot worse than the alcohol .

Would try to leave him and never look back .

[Udhfrz5668]

Hey you,

it sounds truly awful! I am so sorry you have to go through this!

How was it at the beginning of the relationship? Wonderful? 100 %? Or did you already always had it at the back of your mind? Did you talked openly and often about his addiction or was it more like a taboo topic? Is it more the alcohol, or the cocaine or just both?

Sending you strength!

X

[paw_x]

Hi,

The 3 years we had together with him sober were the happiest years of my life. Only for everything to collapse once again. We were so happy.

Yes we talked openly about the past, his addiction issues, all of this. He was an alcoholic long before I knew him and hasn’t touched alcohol in many years. This is just cocaine.

[fayzey]

Just read this @paw_x, what a sad situation – it’s awful to live your life knowing that at any time everything can just fall apart overnight – there will always be someone like the guy giving the lift or in my case, next door’s son, who pop up and the temptation is too much – until they take that step and actually deal with their issues and stay committed to recovery long term – hoping for you that yours is on that road now. Mine always just stuck his head in the sand and hid himself away but that doesn’t work as that stuff is literally everywhere….

[paw_x]

Thanks Fayzey. I hope so, but time will tell. I think after all the hurt I can’t even get my hopes up for a normal life anymore and I’m just taking it one day at a time. He has engaged with CA much more than before and has made himself a solid group of friends there who seem to support one another. But I’ll be a paranoid wreck for the foreseeable! x

[fayzey]

That sound really positive and he has managed to give the alcohol up in the past so hopefully that gives him some strength to know he can beat it. Got everything crossed for you that he does it for good this time. I do know a few people who have succeeded and everyone who has has really thrown themselves into CA/NA etc and put all their energy into recovery Xx

[navy]

Hi paw

ive just read your story, this must be so hard to go through. 3 years of being sober and him going back to it. You must be heart broken especially after all that commitment and him talking openly to you about it and how you both got through it together.

When I found out he promised he would stop, he didn’t, lied tried to hide it but got caught out, I left the house in tears, he rang me to come back home, I got back and we cried together he said he needs help and I said id support him, he never got help. I would encourage him, I would love him and supported him but he never got help, he lied to me.

I had to leave hardest decision of my life as I thought I’d never see him again. He said some awful things, threatened suicide to get me home but I didn’t go home, he then a couple of days later he started the conversation of how much he loves me I’m his life that he’s sorry. He said I could do meetings with him that we could pick the right help together he would do anything for me to come home.

I thought I had to try again to save my marriage of 15 years. I’m not sure I done the right thing. We are back in the same situation and I don’t know how to start the conversation going again without it being an argument.

I really hope paw that he keeps doing his meetings and gets stronger each day to fight this for himself and then for you and you can have some relationship with him that suits you both.

Sending you hugs xx

[paw_x]

Hi Navy,

Has your man been attending CA or any treatment at all? It seems to be really important for them to have a good shot at this. Every time mines was falling off the wagon, meetings were suddenly not on the radar and nothing was mentioned. He’s never had a lot of friends as a lot of these were party friends only from his younger days and he said it’s made a massive difference to have a bunch of guys he can talk to about this, rather than just me or his parents who are both emotionally affected by what he’s done over the years.

Don’t be afraid to start the conversation. One of my biggest regrets over the last year was biting my tongue, telling myself I was just being paranoid when I had suspicions when I was right. It meant nothing was dealt with until a lot of damage was done. I got to the stage of being too afraid to even ask, as I didn’t want the answer. If we come through this, I don’t want to ever feel like that again.

And if you can’t stay with him, don’t feel bad about that either. You only get one life and addiction brings so much misery and hurt. I won’t ever apologise for trying to put myself first right now as I didn’t ask for any of this and I didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t sacrifice yourself for him as he needs to save himself first x

[navy]

Hi paw

no he has promised to do meetings but I don’t think he has committed, he did promise me that he was getting help, I asked him how he is getting on and he said he can’t get time work is too busy, he has said he needs to get help last week, he still hasn’t and I know he is still using and hiding it from me. I asked this week if he contacted them and he got defensive with me.
Im giving him this week to prove to me that he will get help. Work has to come second in this as his health and mine are more important.
im scared but have to be strong,

take care paw

thinking of you xx

[paw_x]

He definitely needs to find the time. I don’t know where you are located or what his working hours are like, but there’s meetings on all the time, and online ones if he could even log into on his phone. If he’s had time to buy drugs and use every day in the past, he’s got that same time he could be spent at meetings every day. I think it’s hard for them to have the guts to show face at meetings when they’re loaded or have relapsed, that might be part of why he’s avoiding it. I know mines has in the past.  I hope he makes the effort soon.

I just keep thinking when I read all these posts here how lucky these men are to have such amazing, strong, supportive women who have done everything they can to try and help them, even when they aren’t getting much in return. I really wish they would see what they have and fight their way out of this x

[navy]

Hi paw

im just so confused, he says he loves me, but hasn’t spent time with me this weekend, it’s like he can’t face me. He hides away, he says he tired, or unwell. Then in next breath he has had shower and showing me affection which I know is the drug and I can’t face it, it makes me so sad. I only wanted to sit and watch a movie together but he kept sniffing saying sorry and managed an hour then said he got to go to bed he tired it’s only 7pm.

I’ve  got work early tomorrow. Let’s see what this week brings.

take care and thank you for chatting with me.

 

navy xx

[paw_x]

You’ll be right that he can’t face you. He’ll be ashamed that he’s been slipping. Mines would do that – spend whole weekends lying on the couch sleeping, or in bed, said he was ill all the time. He just felt rubbish and ashamed but it’s sad that isn’t enough on its own to stop them.

And there’s meetings on all weekend as well, so if he can’t spend time with you, he could at least get himself to meetings and try talking with others. I hope he gets there x

[m]

Another thought is his serotonin is probably so low and he’s probably got some anxiety and just can’t really function well to do something normal when he’s on a come down and feels sketchy and may not want to put his bad energy on you type of thing and obviously u both know it’s the drugs causing it so yh the shame that he thinks it’s best to hide away till he feels more normal, right in time for him to go use again ????‍♀️

it feels so heartbreaking and personal doesn’t it xxx

[navy]

Yes I agree that’s all they do is eat & sleep it’s like having a child in the house, then when they are on it you can’t shut them up, everything is ninety miles an hour. I can’t keep up, he thinks I’m being ignorant when I switch off from him but it’s just that I can’t take anymore of his jibber jabber that’s not making sense either………

he definitely suffers with anxiety and yes you could be right that he doesn’t want to bring me down but that’s too late I feel exhausted by it all, it’s brining me down.  I just want to shout out loud,  (I want a normal life,) I  don’t need items bought for me to show me he loves me, just do the washing up, take the rubbish out, or make me a cuppa tea when I come in from work little gestures would mean a lot.

im just waiting for this weekend to see what happens. I wish you all the very best and hope the weekend is kind to you all.
Love & hugs to all you kind, caring wonderful women

navy xx

 

[m]

Hi navy

hows ur weekend going?

x

[Author]

Posts