[amski12]

Hello, my partner (ex right now) has a cocaine addiction, we have 3 children and he’s currently living with his parents as it had gotten too much…

I’m now at the point where we are going to lose our home and I’m not quite sure where myself and the kids are going to live – council has over year waiting

List as does housing Associations and cant afford to private rent..

I’m at the point where I think once I leave my home sim drawing a line under it and don’t forever I’ll rebuild mine and the kids lives – however as much as I can move on from him he will always be their dad and I can’t bare the years of heartache they’re going to suffer…

He says he wants to change and at times I’ve really believe him however when I give him options of things to do, meetings, Dr apt, new job opportunity (he’s self employed which is a massive part of the problem) he never follows through – is he saying what he thinks I want to hear as he knows he’s losing it all or do you think he’s scared to stop?

It’s gone in for so long and had such an impact on my health I just want to be me again…

I desperately want a happy little family and all the security for

My kids – the life I thought I’d have has been trashed…

I know it’s my decision to give up on him but would like some advice on his behaviour- does it sound genuine that he wants help??

He doesn’t support financially really (but he could do as he’s earning) he knows we stand to lose everything and be homeless I just think he doesn’t believe me..

[danman83]

Well im trying my best to quit. I lapse once a month roughly. I genuinly want to quit. I cant stand it. I wish i never took it.

But when the urge takes over it is hard.

I suppose u need to make sure he is putting 100percent in. And not even drinking. Or with anyone that does coke.

Financially.. i have agood job and i work hard. My kids get everything they need. Rent is always paid. Turkey in july with the kids. And what i get cokewise. I can afford but then again, it could go on better things.

What is he doing to quit?

[amski12]

Hi thanks for replying! And good on you for trying just keep it up and try not to be too hard on yourself when you lapse just remember why you want to quit and pick yourself back up – I’m sure you’ll get there!

Currently he’s not really actively doing much, personally I think he’s scared of the change I just don’t know..

He doesn’t actually do it with drink – it’s pretty much daily – never used to do it on a Sunday which was the only family day a week… he too can earn decent money he’s self employed though (cash) so I dread to think how much he’s using a day… with his finances getting so bad it must be going on possible 2G a day (or that could be my mind running away with itself)

I’ve actually read quite a lot of you replies to people and you seem to have some great advice which I’ve sent on to him… he’s said he’s going to download the pocket rehab app.. and I signed him up to another forum – passed the login details onto him and just said it’s there if you want, he said he’s looked at it and was going to write on it today… I think he seriously lacks self esteem, seems the typical

Life of the party but it’s a front…

I don’t want to give up on him but how long can I wait…

I think it truly is the last I’ll try to help then I have to move on I have the kids to consider and if they risk losing him they need me 100%…

I’m so scared what might happen to him!

He’s tried appointments at a NHS place but said they’re no good – not sure if this is just him not giving 100%… I think he kind of wants a quick fix or someone to do all the work and him wake up addiction free… I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do…

[danman83]

Tbh he needs be honest with you how much is he having and then see how big of a problem he really has.

I couldnt have it every day. But every one is different. Listening to recovery stories is helping me a great deal. Russell brand is good to listen to about his heroin addiction.

And my opinion and its just an opinion and ive thought like this.. but he could be thinking the thought of not having coke again.. could be it..

He needs to no his life is better without coke.. hes obv stuck in a rut.. and a shit routine.. tell him do a plan with the kids to do activities with them.. but i dont know how old they are. Tell him the 1st month is a big hurdle.. but it will get better and the cravings will go..

[amski12]

Thank you so much for your advice….

I really do hope he can do it, not sure how much I get he can go on like this before he ends up seriously I’ll or worse

[danman83]

Its ok. Just message if u need out.

[amski12]

Thank you ????

[georgia26]

he absolutely will want to quit, but addiction is a disease and it doesnt matter what is on the line, kids, jobs, marriages etc it still wont stop them if they dont invest into stopping. Some people loose everything and still continue.

the stuff is poison – it changes people.

i would suggest just working on yourself and your kids, as it will make you ill. If youve tried to support him walk away and let him get on with it, its hard, but he will need to hit rock bottom to see sense properly.

what you must remember is that you cant change someone, you cant make him give up.. I thought i could, throwing threats about etc but it just makes them worse.

its hard to accept as i felt unloved and stuff, its horrendous.

there is no quick fix, you must be 100% invested in stopping, I would recommend addiction counselling but you really need to want to give up as its £60 per session, weekly, but its worked for my other half.

xx

[amski12]

Hi Georgia,

Thanks so much for your reply..

This all tings so true and is completely where I’m at now.. since he left a few months ago I’ve felt so much relief and the atmosphere has gotten so much better at home – I can give the kids more of my time (which I should be doing anyway)

I’ve looked into to counselling already locally and he has a birthday coming up which I was considering buying him a few sessions – in my opinion is the best gift I could ever get him… just dont want to waste my money…

I do believe he really wants to stop but right now it’s just far too available to him… if I could get him to stop work for a while (no point him working right now anyway as it only funds the poison)

He really only has me and 2 of out friends as support as his family have buried their heads and as much as I’ve begged for help and described the n detail the lengths he can to to I think still refuse to believe it…

I’ve sent him a few things to do that I’ve seen on these posts (pocket rehab, louise Clarke etc – thank you to Danman) and if I feel he’s really trying there then I will 100% get a few counselling sessions…

He really struggles to open up he’s such a closed book that it’s so so difficult to beak him down – I mean I’ve been with him over 15 years and trying to get him to express his feelings has always been a problem…

Again thank you so so much x

[georgia26]

Gosh i feel so sad for you – 15 years is a long time so i understand why youre sticking by him.

My partners Mum was the same, she said he wasn’t addicted, that he was just medicating his anxiety, yes I agree with her BUT he was self medicating and then he got addicted. Its so hard when families are naive to the fact.

my boyfriend has not relapsed in 6 months now, before that, he was relapsing every 2/3 weeks.. he has counselling every Wednesday for an hour, it is addiction counselling though – see this link, the man is amazing, but its not a quick fix btw, you have to be invested:

http://www.addiction-counselling.org.uk

[amski12]

Thank you so much I will have a look after work later…

Hearing other people’s stories really helps and I think it really will help him knowing people have been through the same and come out the other side…

X

[georgia26]

my boyfriend relapsed after 6 months last night.

its so hard, I really thought this time he had it, that it had magically gone away – i was even going out after work without fear of him going off on a bender.

i feel like I love him so much but can i handle this for the rest of my life? its so much risk – i feel so stressed about it, i hope youre ok x

[amski12]

It is so hard isn’t it!

Do you know why he did it? What was he doing or who was he with? It’s a whole lifestyle change isn’t it…

That’s exactly how I feel I’ve come so far in myself right now that I don’t anat to ever go back.. there was a time I could imagine my life without him or our little family unit but I’m not so scared anymore…

However, I’m not saying that’s what you should do – i thro knot would be a lifelong thing that he is to learn to live with so whole life would need to adapt… ( again I have no knowledge you probably more than me) but i get your fears – it’s having to build the rust up again isn’t it…

I do hope you’re ok!

How has you’re partner been today? Xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Amski,

Thanks for sharing your story. This site is very supportive and you get some really good advice from the people on here.

If you would like some more support for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people having to deal with the impact of a family member’s addictive behaviour.

We have trained people you could talk with. They are very experienced and would understand what you’re dealing with, and talking might help you to decide how to go forward.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[georgia26]

It is bloody so hard, especially when hes not done anything in 6 months.

I dont know really, he saw someone he knew outside a pub or somehting driving past (whether thats true or not i dont know) and he said he offered him it and because of all the stress this week he relapsed.

Its so hard, we dont have kids or anything i mean we live together – so its still hard but not completely stuck, when you love someone though its hard to walk away isnt it.

Oh gosh, his mental health is awful today – he literally feels horrendous about doing it, ashamed etc – hes got counselling tonight luckily.

I just think will my life be a constant cycle of this, when things get tough, will he turn to this?

weve had a bad week, because his ex wife has been causing problems again- using his kid as a weapon all the time it causes him nothing but problems, i feel bad for him shes mentally broke him down.

hows your other half?

xx

[hox]

Hi Georgia.

I hope you are ok. I am sorry to hear that your bf has relapsed. I hope he is back on track now. Keep strong and supportive and look after yourself too. Best wishes to you both on this awful journey.

[georgia26]

what do you do when yours relapses? do you get angry?

[amski12]

To be honest he’s not actually been off it properly, I’m guessing the key is getting them to reach out before they actually take it (ideally before it’s bought) that’s where I’m trying to get him to but he says what the point what can anyone do… that’s where these forums are so helpful, if I can just get him on a forum(which I think I’m close) he’s close to losing everything g me, kids, home, work so it really is last chance for him…

It’s good he has counselling tonight so hopefully that will put him on a good track hopefully (your BF)

I used to get angry every emotion possible but I’ve learnt that deep down it’s jot his fault so tried other approaches such as talking about it being a little compassionate whilst trying to stick to boundaries ( that’s what I find the hardest to juggle)

Do you have boundaries in place? X

[amski12]

Hi Georgia,

I hope you’re ok?

Is your BF open to ideas etc (this is where I really struggle) if he is is he active? Maybe suggest going out running/walking – maybe do it as a couple (I find running really helps me – however don’t get to go out as much anymore or at all) can be great for stress relief, so when the ex is giving you both a hard time take up some form of hobby as stress relief..

I’ve never understood people who use their children as weapons it’s so unfair especially on the kids (one thing I’d never ever do)

Do you have other channels of support family/ friends you can talk to?

These addictions are so so selfish and they don’t care about anything, but the person behind it does however sometimes doesn’t know how to put us first, I have no doubt in my mind that my BF hates himself with every inch of his being for what he’s doing to us… it’s taken me along long time to understand this – but I have to walk away till he takes full on action…

Maybe take a day or so to yourself? X

[icarus-trust]

Sorry to hear Georgia.

Hope you’re ok.

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