[twerty2]

My partner admitted nearly 8 weeks ago that he has a cocaine addiction of about 9 months. He is receiving help from a professional and doing really well, with just 1 slip up a week after he admitted it to me. Prior to this he was always asking my for money to pay off payday loans he took out 10 years ago when at university, but turns out he was actually buying coke. He was constantly disappearing in the middle of the night and taking money out on my debit card and denying it was him the next day. All we did was argue about money. We have a 1 year old daughter and he has been fantastic now that he is clean. I’m really proud of him but I’m still finding hard to trust him and find myself snapping or being off with him and not sure why. I’m still frustrated and upset that he lied to me for so long, but he has done the right thing and trying his hardest to make things right. How long does it take to trust completely again and let things go?

[hw12]

Hi i can relate to you completely. My partner told me he had an addiction to cocaine at xmas. He has been therapy sessions for 3 weeks and then stopped going. He has told me hes been clean since but i cant trust him 100% He went to the drs and is also getting help for his depression. Although i am pleased he has done these things im so hurt for all the lies he has told and for ruining what we had. That was 5 months ago, and if anything i feel worse now than before now its all sunk in. Our relationship hangs in the balance, i have so much anger towards him so that definitely has an affect on how things are. Not sure things will ever be back how they were before. Is this how you feel?

[twerty2]

Completely, he acts like everything is okay now, but I’m struggling to get my head round it. I’m trying so hard to forgive him but I just can’t quite. I just can’t imagine our relationship staying like this forever or how it would survive, but I also don’t know how to make it better.

[twerty2]

Completely, he acts like everything is okay now, but I’m struggling to get my head round it. I’m trying so hard to forgive him but I just can’t quite. I just can’t imagine our relationship staying like this forever or how it would survive, but I also don’t know how to make it better.

[eggnchips99]

My partner acts like nothing has happened I’m constantly on edge waiting for him to doing it again

I just can’t trust him and hate this feeling in my stomach

I feel like he’s cheated on me it’s the same feeling

[twerty2]

I completely get it, with the amount of lying etc you do feel cheated on.

Some days I find myself wondering if I’m actually still in love with him

[hw12]

Im completely with both of you on this. Before i found out about my partners addiction i was besotted. We had just got engaged.

Since everything, all the lies and the broken trust and the accusations and the staying in bed etc. I feel like i dont even know and feel exactly like you said cheated on.

Its the same feeling. Hes been sleeping on the sofa, im just so resentful towards him. Im not sure it can ever go back now. He thinks I should just get over it now hes clean and i cant!

[twerty2]

It’s really hard. Im not sure how long we have to just persevere for. I’m scared to talk about it with hum incase it makes things worse and he goes off the rails again.

[eggnchips99]

Im exactly the same I think if I bring up counselling or how he’s feeling it will remind him about it and make him want it

[twerty2]

I’ve never thought about relationship counselling or anything like that, have you looked into it?

But like you say. I’d be scared that it could set it all off again.

[eggnchips99]

Hi it was drug counselling rather than relationship

[eggnchips99]

Yes some love has been lost

When he tells me he loves me I don’t reply back where as I used to

I suppose it’s a waiting game to see if he will stop

[r123]

Hi guys, I have the same problem with my fiancé but nothing seems to be helping him stop.. have you got any tips for me?

[twerty2]

My partner has started doing airfix models like he did when he was younger. It’s given him something to throw his energy into and keeps him busy

[eggnchips99]

Has he been to the drs ?

[hw12]

I think im past how your feeling hes turned into such a horrible person and turns everything round on me. Its as if i just have to get over these things and accept it but me and my children deserve more hes honestly turned into a waste of space

[twerty2]

You need to put yourself and your children first and do what’s best for you. Before my partner came clean I was litterally days away from leaving, hoping it would give him a kick up the arse to sort his life out. Just do what’s best for you and your family.

[hw12]

Thank you. I feel like i have given up it literally drains everything from me. Like i said hes not the same. So cold hearted and cant rely on him for anything even simple things like getting out of bed. Things that should be normal!

[daisy16]

This sounds just like my partner, past year or so he has obliterated our lives and that of our children. He would never get out of bed, say he was better off dead, lie and sneak around. It came to a breaking point and he sought help, but our financial situation is on the brink as to whether I can resolve it or not. He’s been to the doctors for depression and speaking with a drug counsellor, I thought he was doing well for the past two weeks, but whilst I was at work last night he messaged someone about dropping money off which I found today. I’m at a loss as to what to do, we have a house, both work, but at this rate we will lose everything. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t want our family life and would be happier on his own, we have been together 6 years and up until last year it was brilliant. Just don’t know if we can find happiness again, whether to continue to support him to recovery or whether I’m clinging on to something that will never happen. Such a lonely thing to go through, all his family know and I’ve spoken to them but what can they do. It’s a massive shame so many people are going through the same thing.

[hw12]

I am in the same position as you. Before i found out about his drug use everything was amazing, he was an amazing stepdad to my kids.

Since finding out it has been a downward spiral of lies and deceit.

Hes horrible to be around. Hes been through very bad bouts of depression which he has now got meds for but only because i made him. He was paranoid and accused me of allsorts. Hes really hurt me along the way and broke my trust so many times.

He told me he would commit to therapy and only went 3 times and used to lie about going. He never gets up before 12-1pm. It was 4.45pm yesterday when he got up and me and the children had gone for a nice walk in the sun he was laid there all day. Which frustrates me so much.

I could easily just walk away from it all. Im always here to talk because i do understand where you are coming from. Its so difficult

[daisy16]

Thank you, and you too. It’s nice to have someone to talk to because I just feel so alone in dealing with his addiction, the house, work, kids, it’s all on me and the stress is ridiculous, As well as having to pretend everything is okay. Ive had three jobs in the space of 7/8 months because of his addiction, due to him not being in a fit state to even get up with our children, I can’t rely on him. I’ve said like you, I could walk away from it all but we’re a family and I can’t imagine our future without him in it. For the past year I have done what you have, and just taken the kids out without him, as I had given up trying to get him out of bed. That has been so much better recently up until this week when we only had 2 days off together in 14, and he stayed in bed until 2/3 on both days. He just says what do you need me for, I don’t make any difference. The fact I know today he is going straight to a dealers house after work is driving me insane. I took his phone and bank cards off him when I originally found out, so I can’t even contact him to tell him to come straight home and that I know. I just don’t even know what to say to him when he gets back…. do I try stay supportive and take it as a blip or do I take this he isn’t going to stop. So difficult.

[hw12]

I think unless he is willing to admit he has a problem and wants to stop, there is nothing more you can do to convince him? I used to think why does he chose that over his family and why is he spending money on that instead of giving me any money for bills etc. Im so uspet and angry and i cant seem to get past that. Because of all the lies, i dont trust anything he says about anything. Hes sneaky with money and phone calls and his ‘friends’ never come to the house. They just come outside in the car but apparently thats normal!

I also work full time which is difficult, he is self employed but he doesnt push himself and wouldnt do anything and sometimes doesnt. Hes lost jobs before from ringing in sick and not getting up. I was paying a Chilminder to take kids to school while he was off work because i cant rely on him to get up.

Children always ask why its just us 3, its like being single. Sometimes i think life would be easier if he just went because at least i wouldnt be feeling so angry and upset with him all the time.

[daisy16]

When everything hit breaking point, I spoke to him and he admitted he had a problem, and wanted to stop. But he has said that a few times now and he keeps relapsing. He’s on antidepressants because I made him go to the doctors, and he’s speaking with a counsellor because I made. I gave him those two main things he had to do to save our relationship. I just don’t know if he’s doing them to keep me off his back while he carries on or if he genuinely wants to get better. Im constantly on edge, watching what he does because he is so sneaky. Yeah friends who stay outside in the car isn’t normal, it makes me laugh how they try to explain something away and you just both know they’re lying, but they continue. It’s ridiculous.

It’s such a shame, my kids are too small to ask where he is, but it won’t be long before it starts to have an effect. I also feel single a lot of the time, when we go out to family things and all my siblings are there with their partners and I’m just on my own, it’s hard to explain it away.

[hw12]

I think unless he is willing to admit he has a problem and wants to stop, there is nothing more you can do to convince him? I used to think why does he chose that over his family and why is he spending money on that instead of giving me any money for bills etc. Im so uspet and angry and i cant seem to get past that. Because of all the lies, i dont trust

[hw12]

I could honestly write your posts. My partner admitted things too when he had a serious low point around xmas. He didnt move out of bed for 5 days and said there was nothing to get up for. Hes not as down and depressed now. But he is honestly like jekyll and hyde. You never know which one you will get. His mood and comments can sometimes be horrible and cold hearted. Then if I retaliate he doesnt like that then turns it round on me as if i have the problem. When i get upset about him staying in bed all day, he just says why have you got such a problem im not hurting anyone. Doesnt make it normal tho does it when hes got a family who wants to spend time with him.

Whats your partners mood like? He used to be such a kind and caring person.

[daisy16]

It so sad you say that, because I know how awful my situation is and to think many people go through what I’m going through, it’s just so sad. My partner says what difference do I make to you and the kids if I’m in bed, I was like answer your own question. It makes me hate him, I get so angry and frustrated. No it isn’t normal for people to stay in bed until the late afternoon, I’ve said that before too.

My partner used to be my best friend, we worked and lived together for years and were really happy. He was a brilliant dad to my first child, he was funny and so kind. I feel sorry for my little one as they’ve never seen him as himself.Now he’s a shell of himself, he doesn’t really have a personality, I see glimmers sometimes but doesn’t last long. I don’t know if it’s the tablets, or using, or if he’s genuinely unhappy. But he’s no use with the kids/house/finances, I pretty much do everything. Sometimes he does try, but when he was at his lowest he even said he doesn’t know if family life was for him. It’s even more difficult with financial worries, and the virus. I’ve been upset and he’s walked past me before and just got back into bed, he would’ve never done that before. That’s the worst way he has behaved, he’s not nasty or horrible to me, just indifferent. Like we don’t exist, he likes to try hide or runaway when he’s used, which is why I always catch him out. He’s like a little boy who’s done something wrong. Strangest thing he has said is that the only place he feels normal and himself is at work, which I don’t understand.

[hw12]

I feel exactly the same. Its completely not normal to miss work because you cant get up, and spend weekends just slobbing about. His behaviour is selfish.

He too has also seen my sobbinh my heart out and just said why are you even crying. Hes so heartless now. Before he would have got upset if i was upset. He was also my best friend. I miss what we had and what we had to look forward too. Hes ruined all that. And i hate him for it and im resentful

[daisy16]

I’ve just had a few days at work, came home last night, he was looking after the kids and he ran straight upstairs. Found out he had used, he was due into work 2 hours later. His job is dangerous so I had to ring him in sick, bearing in mind he’s lucky to have that job as he survived redundancy not so long ago. They weren’t happy, and this morning he’s still not able to go to work so had to ring them again. I’ve had a headache all night from it, I’m so stressed. If he loses that job we lose our house, but I can’t talk to him about it properly as he’s on a comedown. He has told me to leave and go somewhere with the kids and give him a few days, but we car share and he has the kids whilst I work, so if I or he leaves I can kiss goodbye to my job. I don’t know what to do for the best, my family also don’t know so if I went there they would find out.

I’m talking with his sister currently to see how she can help, but I’m starting to feel hopeless.

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