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Hi.
First time here. Thinking it’s worth a shot I’ve tried almost everything.
I’m going to rewind to the start of last year when my partner was acting very strange. He was missing work, sleeping all day, up all night, not eating. His mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and his estranged dad passed away. Then we went into a national lockdown.
In the middle of a national lockdown he just got worse and worse. His behaviour was erratic, aggressive and he was a shell. We have a 3 year old together and he has a boy of 9 to a previous relationship. My partner wouldn’t get involved in family things. The house, cats, cooking, cleaning, general life was my job.
I was a key worker so I was leaving him to look after the children whilst I went to work. He was out of work due to being self employed.
His son took pictures and videos of him asleep on the sofa and the children were left in the house whilst my partner went to the shop. After being shown this by his son it was clear to me I couldn’t leave him with the children and ended up taking time from work under stress to look after the family.
We were rowing because I couldnt understand what was wrong, he just wasn’t interested in us at all. I was worried it was a mental health issue and even sought advice from my GP.
He started accusing me of cheating. He’d check my phone and insist I was hiding things. He held me down and frisked me looking for evidence, he thought I was concealing a sexual toy. One night barged in on me whilst I was visiting the bathroom because he thought I was flushing drugs.
He wouldnt let me go the bathroom unless I did in front of him. He insisted I was cheating and using drugs even questioning paracetamol. One night it got too much and after he took my phone I remembered I had a mobile in my laptop bag from work and I called the police. They escorted him out – probably thinking I was a nut job but he returned an hour later.
He was saying he had recorded me whilst we had been talking that night and he had evidence I was taking heroin. To cut a long story short here, I have never took drugs. The video was me scratching my ankle. By the end of that night I finally got him to admit he didn’t need help for a mental health issue but he had in fact been using cocaine and had been for some time.
Fast forward, he relapsed at Christmas and with that came all the old behaviours. He even installed a camera in our bedroom to catch me cheating. His aggression was frightening and he even smashed a toy in front of our 3 year old.
I tried and tried to reason with him. I tried to sit him down and get him admit he was back on cocaine. He wouldn’t. In the end I bought cocaine wipes and swabbed the house. The traces showed coke all over the house. He still flat out denied using.
I walked out with my daughter 5 weeks ago today leaving him sobbing in our living room. He finally admitted to using after a week and I’ve got him into private therapy. We are still separated.
I can’t work out if I’m ashamed of this but the day I left him I called the mental health crisis team, I knew it was drugs but I didn’t know what to do, how to help and he was also threatening suicide. They asked if I wanted to safeguard the children and I did. Social services visited me at my fathers address which is where I am saying and questioned me. I told her everything. He has dive been told he’s not allowed to see his son and I’m allowing supervision of his daughter with me only.
Therapy is going well. I’ve reached out to other services and trying to educate myself on addiction etc.
I’m scared I’ll never be able to forgive him. I’m scared I’ll forgive him and he will do it again, I’m scared of causing him more issues now he can’t see his son – although it was the right thing to do. I’m annoyed, betrayed and humiliated and struggling really.
Does anyone have any advice I’m emotionally drained
Stay safe and thank you for reading x
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I was In also The dark about my husbands cocaine use.
The first part you write about his behaviour is exactly the same –
“He was missing work, sleeping all day, up all night, not eating.”
He twisted the truth accordingly
I thank God every day that I did not fall for his “everybody does, it go on try it”.
He tried to normalise it all the time. I guess then It would have been our addiction, to justify his own his own use
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You have completely done the right He has to make some decisions with some morality behind them.
The children don’t need to witness the cycle and the chaos of addiction and begin to think it is ‘normal’
You can still be independent and pick up your life again
They become so good at telling you what you want to hear
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Your only enemy is the addiction.
You know you have been treated badly and were pushed to do the right thing for at the very least yourself.
We all know our partners were good people before addiction
If you stepped back into life together tomorrow what would the formula of the day be: Loving calm environment – where you were living as an equal?
It’s tough but reading posts on here will help you rationalise.
All storms pass.
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I know exactly how you are feeling the inner loss and grief can be overwhelming
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This may help it’s the best article I have read on addiction
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