[Megan123]

Hello everyone,

So I am not quite sure why I’m writing this or if this will help. I just really want to get out of a difficult situation here. I just want some relationship advice from an outsider. I guess sometimes everyone just needs someone to listen. So the story goes like this…

Me and my boyfriend met a year ago. Everything was perfect until the truth revealed itself that he is unfortunately bipolar and never in my life have I seen a person who can drink like that. He worked in Saudi-Arabia and can’t drink there so then we have, what I would call a normal relationship. The first time he booked him into hotel rooms and just started drinking,then I’d go searching for him and have all kinds of thoughts about if he is alive or not etc. He then went to a clinic and I thought things would get better. But each time he lies about his drinking when he comes back and disappoints me every single time.

He starts drinking in the morning and later in the day starts accusing me and yelling at me and I don’t feel any connection when he is like this.

My whole December was depressing, because we have a long-distance relationship, I really thought he’d cherish our times together, but he never did. Always the same thing – yelling and screaming and anger, and of course drinking and hiding. He couldn’t even have a decent Christmas dinner with me and my family. He wasn’t there, he had to go to the clinic. He becomes a monster.

So, an unfortunate thing happened, I made a mistake, which I believe all of you are going to tell me I can’t call it a mistake etc. (I know) but by being intoxicated myself one night, I slept with my ex. It wasn’t an affair like he now sees it, behind his back, it wasn’t that I didn’t love him, it was an horrible thing that I self don’t even understand why it had to happen. I regret it and I never wanted to hurt him in any way, because I know what depression feels like and I know that this man is really a good man if he can just put in the minimum effort, it would help.

But now, there is rage, there is anger, there is name calling and I am the worst person alive. I just wish he could understand and give me that 1%. I understand my actions was wrong, he says he wants to forgive me and try work on it. Honestly, I believe it is possible for people to forgive one another. But how is it helping if he booked himself into an hotel again and just drinks all day. Now I can’t even mention the drinking because I’m a whore and worthless.

After he came back from the clinic again, I believe he had some wine in the car and I made food and everything and asked him if he drank, he denied it all. I just wish he can understand that it also feels like betrayal for me,but I can’t even mention that, because how dare I?

I’m so ashamed.:( It really hurts.

I come from a childhood with a father who is just like him, disappeared and my mother had to go look for him at hotels where my father just drank and drank. It was always because of his horrible children. Every night they were fighting, my father saying horrible things to me and my brother. Now this man is making me experience it all over again.

I don’t want to leave him but I just want him to understand that his actions are killing me. Can he just for once show me that he cared. He doesn’t get it. He keeps telling me what a low IQ I have, but why do people with such a high IQ not see their actions.

This will obviously be my fault again, he is making sure everyone knows that, he drinks because of me. Because I’m so bad.

He doesn’t want to work on this relationship because he doesn’t want to work on himself.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, just seeking some advice.

The whole world seems cruel to me, like I’m playing victim or something,that I need to man-up or whatever. I need to be accountable for my actions. I wish I don’t always have to feel so worthless in life.I have many mistakes and I’m not perfect but I really do try.I just want to have a normal life.

It’s just really hard,and I hope some of you can understand or relate to the anxiety I am now experiencing, whether he is alive or not and if anything is to happen to him, it will be my fault.

I don’t want to see him like this.I want him to be happy and positive. We were suppose to move in together and looking for houses, starting a family etc. But I don’t believe the situation will ever get better, it will just get worse, even if I wasn’t such a horrible person, even if I didn’t mess this up, he would still be drinking and drinking and drinking. It’s hard on us I guess to leave a situation, I want to believe in a miracle. That he would come sit with me and just say he is sorry too, things need to change and we can be happy and peaceful, but I guess he enjoys the chaos. Now he has gone and are depressed and talks to everyone about what a horrible person I am. I’m the liar and the cheater. He embarrassed me so much by screaming at me in Restaurants, police dropping him off at my place, driving drunk without a license with me in the car, screaming at me while driving. It’s just been horrible. Now he has his excuse. And I’m just so worried if he is going to make it through the night.

[paw_x]

Hi Megan,

This is awful. Please, get away from this man. What you’re describing is a horrible, abusive, toxic as hell relationship. This is not love. You do not have to live like this.

He clearly has issues with alcohol and despite that, you’ve been there for him. You tried, he didn’t. You made a mistake because you’re human and have been dealing with this while he’s made no effort to change. And rather than show you that he loves you and wants to be with you, he’s chosen to belittle you and make you feel worthless. That is truly horrible and you need to get away from this. He’s telling people you’re the monster as it’s easier for him to ruin your reputation than to confront the monster looking back at him in the mirror.

I understand it’s hard to walk away as you’ll think back to the times that he wasn’t like this, times you were happy. But think of how long ago those times were – it doesn’t sound like he’s still that man anymore. If you keep subjecting yourself to his abuse, you won’t recognise yourself as you’ll have sacrificed everything for him while he destroys you.

Take some time for you. Focus on things you like doing, treating yourself well, seeing your friends (and confiding in them about this, you need their support, it’ll lift a weight off your shoulders I swear), self care, getting yourself healthy. You only get one life, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected and to feel loved.

My man is also an addict (cocaine) and I’m supporting him, from a distance as his recovery is the priority and my recovery from this trauma is too. But if I was being abused or felt belittled or even spoken down to at any point, I’d be running for the hills. Dealing with this is hard enough on your mindset and I spent long enough sacrificing my happiness for his during his addiction. What your man is doing to you is truly dangerous for your mental health and self esteem.

You are worth so much more x

[Suzannawanna]

Hi son has had a hidden cocaine problem for about 5 years now he is 26. He has tried in the last six months to get clean. We thought he had a little wobble but I notice his behaviour is getting nastier again to me. He manages to manipulate my husband against me when I challenge him..I found cocaine on his keyboard the other day and through his manipulation he has managed to persuade his father it is residue from a long time ago and that I am trying to isolate him from the family. He then gets inside my husband’s head saying I am trying to isolate my husband from everybody ( I am not!) And that we should divorce. This is a pattern of behaviour that has gone on for years. My son’s cocaine problem then descends into me being bullied by son and my husband! It is is the most bewildering, awful thing! Anybody else had this? Not sure I can put up with this anymore. Many thanks

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