[worried86]

Hi, I’m reaching out in absolute despair. I don’t know what to do, i hate cocaine – I just want my man back.
my bf of 2yrs has a cocaine addiction.
he hid it from me for the first 6mths and then I questioned his disappearing and found out he was doing coke.
it all exploded and he promised he would stop, that he couldn’t lose me but here I am 18mth’s on and it hasn’t stopped ????having no experience with the situation I’ve been dealing with it how I thought.
I showered him with love n affection, I didn’t shout n scream, I begged him to stop.
every time he went I would txt him begging him to come home, telling him what he was doing to himself, how he was destroying himself but it just annoyed him,  nothing would stop him.
He’d never talk about it but he always said it wasn’t because he didn’t love me.
he changed so much from a caring, loving fun man to always being lethargic, snappy, thinking I was having a go at him even in a normal converstation.
he withdrew from me completely, I love this man with all my heart and I don’t want to lose him and I feel for him being stuck in this addiction.

He has now asked for ‘space’ because I’ve pushed him away, he doesn’t know who he is anymore.
When he left and said he loved me and speak soon.
It’s been a week and I’m so broken, I want to apologise for smothering him, pushing him to talk about it, being being anxious and paranoid, putting more pressure on him.
I shouldn’t have kept on, should have calmed my brain down but I was so worried n wanted him to see what he was doing ????
I just wish he’d turn up n I would handle things so differently.
how/when do I reach out to him so he knows I still love him n want him without smothering him.

[bellapop]

<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Hello, worried,</span></p>
<b id=”docs-internal-guid-4fbee211-7fff-d40a-c085-8407a683701c” style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> I could have written this whole thing myself; I’m pretty sure if you look back through my posts, you will see so many similar entries from me.  Unfortunately, I have been in your position far too many times to count, so hopefully, I can advise you from my perspective. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> First, I want to praise you for acting cool and calm when so many of us haven’t been able to.  Never apologise for your reaction;  you are reacting due to what he has put you through and supporting him through a tough time. It may seem like he doesn’t want the support, which may be the case for now. My husband has struggled with addiction his whole life, he has gone from being an innovative, funny, hard-working manager and the most romantic man who used to whisk me away to the Lake District… To a non-function addict who is on long-term sick at work and living back at his parents. This drug destroys people, it destroys their families and until he is ready to realise…  There is not that much that you can do other the what you are doing now.</span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>So let’s talk about the space that he’s asked for. My husband regularly needs space and although I can’t explain the needs of why your husband needs space now,  I can probably take a guess that he is either in absolute denial or in absolute shame right now I can’t bring himself to talk about any of it right now. It got to a point with my husband where I repulsed him for simply having feelings about his behaviour. He couldn’t deal with the guilt and the shame of what he was doing to me and our children so he ran away (and continues to run away.)  I can’t tell or advise you exactly what to do in terms of how and when you should reach out, but please be rest assured, that he knows that you love him. He may just be very much in a place of not being able to deal with the real world right now. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>People talk about rock bottom, about how an addict has to reach rock bottom in order to bounce back, and I truly believe that to be the case. For five years, my husband has been abusing his status in my life in our home, promising the world whilst secretly sinking further into his addiction and spiralling out of control. I have since come to learn that I have been massively enabling his addiction, by being here and providing him a warm comfy home with cuddles and a warm bed each and every time he messes up. This has made him be okay to go that little bit further each time. The last time he did it (2 weeks ago) he left just as he always does, taking all of his belongings and walking out on me and his children with the whole ‘we need space, I’m just hurting you’ speech. And I had had enough, so  I blocked him on everything without warning. He quickly began to realise that he wasn’t able to have his cake and eat it,  and to make a long story short, he hit rock bottom pretty quickly and has managed to be honest with me about his usage, and he has reached out for help. He has a number of appointments coming up, and his brain is clear (from what he tells me.) </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> but as I’m pretty sure you’re aware, as a partner of an addict, you always doubt yourself and everything that you are told. You doubt your entire existence and play the role of a detective in your whole life, not trusting a single word that anyone says. What’s been told to you is never as straightforward as what’s been told to you basically, and what is true and what’s false is never just what’s true and what’s false, there’s always layers of immeasurable doubt. So I don’t know if he’s doing as well as he’s telling me, but I’m learning (struggling like hell, but learning) to try and have some sort of existence without him for now. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s rosy, I’ve had a major meltdown today and came on here to type my own post until I saw myself in your words and it broke me a little to realise it’s genuinely not just me. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please look after yourself in all of this,  it’s so much easier said than done but there are so many people out there who get it and who are willing to help. You can always confidentially phone Drug Fam, they are open until 9:00 every night, and they are so helpful. There’s been days when I phoned them 3 times a day, just to get through the day, it helps. Especially when you can’t take your eyes away from willing your phone to light up, just to have any sort of contact. You are not alone, I promise. There is also a really good podcast called Menace to Sobriety (dapper laughs)  which has given my husband and I a lot of insight into the mind of an addict. </span></p>
 
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please stay strong, and please know,  you can do this!! </span></p>
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> </span>

[worried86]

Hi,

thank you for being there for me.
sound like you are an amazingly strong lady.
doesn’t it just crush you to see them doing this to themselves when they think they haven’t changed.
your detective comment rang so true – spend hours wondering what the truth is, searching for answers or clues? Until you know the truth it drives you mad, he says I’m crazy and I feel it, checking, questioning, waiting, anxiety, paranoia have I don’t that to myself or has he???

I had a whole wkend panicking when he said he had his son another night so wasn’t coming over – I thought it was a lie and it wasn’t until I spoke to his mum next day I found out it was the truth – then I felt absolutely crazy!!
He has even said it’s like being with a detective.
but you become like that after you find out the lies told to hide the truth, doubt everything.
he said he hid it because he was ashamed n didn’t want to lose me.
I put everything on hold, spent all my time trying to be with him, lost myself trying to help him see how amazing he is to me.

he always says it isn’t because he doesn’t love me. Which I took a long time to understand because how could he do it knowing it was wrong but after seeing comments on here I understand he’s not in control of that addiction side.
so the ‘space’ he asked for was because he’s lost himself, I’ve smothered him, brainwashed him by telling him he loves me and I love him and that I’ve pushed him away with clingy neediness.
I agree with you I think the pressure of guilt he feels when he sees me has caused him to become distant because he thinks I’m judging/pitying him which made me push harder to show him he’s loved n wanted (thinking that would help him not turn to the coke) so he’s had a form of shut off because he can’t cope.
I have caved and sent a few messages Sunday telling him I was sorry for smothering and nagging him when he went, not understanding that it didn’t help his situation.
I just lie hear hoping to hear his car, I want to handle things so differently more understanding n sensitivity.

His actions and little things he says (just love me) (he doesn’t want to do it) (he feels the pull even when people talk about it)  are quietly screaming out for help but he won’t reach for it.
But it’s ripping me apart not hearing from him. Everything says give him space and he will come back.
from scouring the internet it appears I have also developed a codependency from spending so much time focusing on trying to help him, his moods, when he was going to disappear.
my friends say to get rid but I still see the amazing man I fell in love with odd days between the sleeping it off, the withdrawal days, the snappy anxious lethargic days.
I have been so worried I really have caused this ‘space’ by my actions of trying to love him, help and then my anxiety and distrust hovering round him like a fly on s**t.
I wish I was mentally stronger to get on with things, I can’t eat, sleep, focus on anything else I’ve read every bit of google on ‘space in a relationship’ then I try and mentally cross reference with him as the person I love and his addiction it’s literally killing me. ????
The support on this site is amazing and although it’s not nice we are in these situations it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone or imagining things.

[bellapop]

omg i have no idea why its come up like that argh!! I’m so sorry ill try post it again

[bellapop]

I’m so sorry, it won’t let me repost my message for some reason so it may take a lot of decoding to read it. (we’re trained detectives so we’re good at decoding lol)

 

xx

[bellapop]

Hello lovely,

Thank you for responding and for being able to decode my crackers message. It is just vile, I am exactly where you are right now.. only my husband has called quits on us. He’s decided he’s better off alone, so has spent all day changing all the bills etc into my name. I rang him up, absolutely crushed to his response of ‘oh not this again, can you not’ I’m so done with feeling like a weirdo.. a stalker and a crazy person just as you have said. It’s exhausting and to be quite honest, deep down I know I am better off alone.. but it’s the idea of throwing away my marriage. It sucks! But he’s clearly not willing to make it work… so I finally think it’s time I focussed on me. Sorry for making this all about me lol, it’s just been one of my lowest days today. I broke down at work to my boss, shes agreed to reduce my timetable because I’m such a wreck right now.

Back to you, honestly everything you’ve said has been literally me my whole marriage. The codependency, the waiting, the detective role, the ‘i’m crazy” role… its not fair! How are things now? Has there been any updates? I desperately want to read you responding that he’s come to his senses, come home and realised what he has.. but I know this game so well. I’ve been playing it for 10 years and I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone.

I really hope you’re okay and I’ll look forward to your response xxx

[Jake Koleman]

have you tried suggesting that the guy replace the cocaine with antidepressants? It would help him to quit cocaine for the first time, and help to build a plan for how to continue to fight addiction

[Jaynielou]

After reading these posts it was like I had wrote it myself. I was seeing a man who when I met him just over 18 months was battling an addiction with alcohol. I knew this when I met him and he said numerous times how he wanted to change etc, and have a better life. About 6 months into the relationship he admitted that not only did he have an issue with alcohol, he also smoked crack but it was only as and when and he did not see this as a problem. I was gutted and told him that I did not want anyone who took drugs in my life. It’s up to him what he does but I don’t want to date a drug addict. He assured me that he would stop and would go 6 weeks and then the lies, deceit and not answering his phone etc started all over again.

It made me so anxious, thinking I was going crazy, playing the detective, trying to catch him out etc. My head was all over the place and I told lies myself to cover up for him to my family.

Since I met him, he has never worked and always had an excuse as to why he can’t find a job. Anyway I gave him so many chances and he promised he would get help and stop etc. Even said he would go to NA and AA but then as the time came to go, he could stop by himself.

In May 2023 we should have been going on holiday but 3 weeks before he smoked crack so I threw him out and went on holiday without him. He kept ringing me and texting me saying he was homeless and he had stopped smoking crack and drinking. The drinking bit was partly true but the smoking crack was a complete lie. I let him stay in my house when I went on holiday so he could find somewhere to go but he smoked crack every day and even sold his gold chain I brought him.

He moved into the YMCA when I got back but every so often he calls or texts me and it starts  all over again. I even let him stay here when he had an operation of his eye and he lied and went out and got crack.

I have ended the relationship with him but feel so guilty and sad about him being on his own and struggling etc so the last week I have called him and he said he had been ill in bed for days and realised what he had lost and he was in a bad place. I was worried about him and today I called him and he said he was in bed and had the flu, he had missed his GP appointment so I spent time rebooking it and then called him to let him know when it was and he said he was sitting on the bench near where he lives but he felt so ill he was going home to bed.

I then find out that he has got the bus and withdrawn £180 out!

I have now blocked him. I need to stay strong but I feel racked with guilt for turning my back on him. I know I can’t have him in my life as the lies, deceit and then the staying in bed all day and mood swings isn’t good for my mental health. He was also very charming and made dinner etc and did jobs in the house but to be honest alot of the time it was when he was under the influence of crack and felt guilty for lying

Why do we let them do this to us

[Author]

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