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Hi everyone,
I’m so desperate for help it’s insane. My mother has so many secrets that even the man who brought me up (well dragged me up) doesn’t know what I know. I was abused in the worst way as a little girl by her boyfriend, when she found out, we ran away, (I was five) and went to Scotland and lived with her sister, while we stayed at her sisters who was also putting a roof over our head and feeding us, she started an affair with her sisters husband, then she dumped me there for two years on her sister, who was left to feed me and we were poor, my life there was made HORRENDOUS because I was left there and wasn’t wanted and now had to be fed , she came back a couple of years later pregnant, with the man who was my uncle (being her sisters husband previously) and took me back to England. We were starving, went from b&b to b&b for years, I was still wetting the bed literally EVERY SINGLE NIGHT because of the nightmares after being abused, then abandoned, now I was back with her and this “new dad” was taking his belt off and belting me every morning that I woke up in wee. She had more kids, which I had the youngest when she came home from hospital and at seven had to get up three times a night to make bottles. After years and years of BAD violence, being called a DOG and my mother saying it was normal, having to constantly clean, get physically hurt every day and night at home, then bullied all day every day at school for smelling of wee or because I was wearing clothes that another girls mother had left on our door step, anyway, AFTER getting away, a few years later, I had my own home, a wonderful man who I went on to have two children with, a career, then he cheated on me, I forgave him because I wanted the family together, through all this, I never confronted my mother, nor did I ever “say my piece “ and tell them how they destroyed me, I kept it together. Then I found out my wonderful “stepfather” (the violent uncle turned dad) apparently said to him “what was he doing with me, he could do much better “ then one night he came to my house drunk, punched me in the face and through a table at my window pulling down the curtains and breaking loads of things, then went home and smashed a chair over my sisters back, then mother turns up the next day saying she will leave him, but as usual, it didn’t happen. Anyway, needless to say, Down the line, I eventually turned to drugs, my wonderful mother started telling lies about me to ANYONE who would listen, making up (and I take oath on my own babies this is true) while my son and daughter stayed there over six weeks, I was giving them £100 a week to give to my parents for keeping them, it was only fair, then mum hit me with “your dad doesn’t want you in our house Christmas Day” I couldn’t believe it, I said but my children are there? And why? (By the way, they were there because I had to stay in a refuge because when I left the ex he broke my jaw, I still have twelve pins in it,) she said my “dad” (you know who) didn’t want me there? Anyway, I sobbed my heart out the entire day without my children as well , I was too frightened too ring “dad” and ask why… anyway, not long after this, a couple of weeks later, as my children were getting ready to go, my mother calls and asks to speak to my daughter, she says “yes Nan, ok, oh granddads home? Oh so shall I hide the money under the microwave again then?” I looked at her, and couldn’t believe it, no wonder he hated me, they were struggling and because my mother wanted to spend it on HERSELF she had been hiding the fact that I was PAYING! My own children are witness to this! NO WONDER HE HATED ME, she had also CARRIED ON CLAIMING FOR THEM, didn’t tell “dad” then got hit with a bill to pay it all back AND TOLD HIM I HAD THAT MONEY!!! Of course she could because SHES TELLING HIM ANYTHING SHE CAN MAKE UP SO HE WILL HATE ME AND THAT WAY HE WONT FIND OUT IVE BEEN PAYING ANY MONEY BECAUSE HE WONT WANT ME IN THE HOUSE! It gets worse… I’ve HAD ENOUGH, I’m so suicidal right now, I had it and tried to tell my dad that I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG, my sisters went crazy at me saying I’m selfish because he could have battered my mum for what I said, BUT IM EXPECTED TO MET HIM DIE ON HIS DEATH BED THINKING IM THIS TERRIBLE PERSON! Now, I’m alone, I’m almost at the point of having enough of life altogether because how the hell can I get passed what she was and is still doing. My daughter died of cot death three years ago, I couldn’t sleep because I kept (in my head) hearing her cry, IVE NEVER INJECTED ANYTHING! EVER… but, whilst going through this, I was sobbing to this girl I know, she said “smoke this, stop crying, it will make you relax “ that’s all I did, and for the first time I slept, two nights later I just did that, but when I woke morning three I felt like I had the flu A BILLION TIMES HARDER… my friend said, “hang on, calm down, here you are “ she passed me the pipe with the smoke stuff on it, I smoked it… and… OH MY GOD THE PAIN COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISAPPEARED IN UNDER ONE MINUTE! THE SWEAT COMPLETELY STOPPED! And… that was all it took.. I kid you not, I was now a heroin addict. I had NEVER EVEN SMOKED GRASS OR WHATEVER. I ALWAYS thought, heroin addicts were these people all scummy and unclean and with needles (by the way, I STILL HAVE NOT INJECTED, and I NEVER will) the worst thing I did was beg my mother for £25 so I could buy this methadone medicine off the street because it takes three weeks for an appointment at open road, now, bare in mind, at this point, I had paid for her and dad to go time, I had paid for them to go all inclusive to turkey, I had also leant “dad” £8,500 to get a new van he badly needed, now, I am not for a second throwing this at them, BUT, I BEGGED her when all my money ran out to help me buy methadone off someone for £25. AFTER ALL IVE JUST TOLD YOU I HAD PAID OUT FOR HER AND “dad” she looked me square in the face, I SWEAR this, and made a point (I’m so not kidding even writing this is making me so angry) but we went to stop at a cash point and she says “oh right, so, you need erm… twenty five poundssssss” it sounds ridiculous but if your reading this now, you’ll have the intelligence to know what I mean by her excentuating the words “twenty five POUNDSSS” anyhow, her and “dad” have apparently joined “a support group “ for “parents of children addicted to drugs” I was absolutely gobsmacked when I heard this. The advice I’m asking you all for is, what on earth do I do or can I do, to get over what she’s doing and has done to me,I’m completely helpless and I have no way out. She is literally punishing me even now and I don’t know why, or what I can do to escape what she doing to cast me out for her own selfish gain! PLEASE PLEASE HELP, I HONESTLY CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE! Is it me??? Am I in the wrong and really , she actually IS in the right and it’s my fault??? I just need someone to read this and hit me with it if I’m fact I AM THE ONE HERE AND IT REALLY REALLY IS ME ?
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Hiya I think you need support in a lot of different areas it’s over whelming reading what you have been through so can’t imagine how you feel but your not alone
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Hiya thanks for replying, yes I do and they are brilliant, women’s refuge women’s aid look it up email them, I have been into a women’s refuge so I’m talking from experience, domestic abuse comes in all different ways, being controlled emotionally used to pay for a habit that’s not even scratching the surface abuse shows its demons in msny many ways x
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Your not alone please feel free to PM me
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