[jmh]

After 12 long months of putting up withy sons drug abuse, I had to come to the hardest decision of my life today, to chuck him out!! I’m so sad and heartbroken. He was killing me in the emotional sense, I was enableing him, lovely home ,bedroom ,food. He lost his highly paid job, lost his car, got tagged, ..I have been dragged down with him… I don’t know what to do now. I am wanting him to be at rock bottom and seek help himself. I have been with him at every step of the way trying to help him, all the appointments, drugs team, mental health, he has said it all has been a waste of time! But he never truly wanted to stop, why would he being at home, ordering drugs off the net, injecting, being in hospital…nightmare. Anybody any advise for me now….

[concerned-mum]

Hi… I understand you completely….You haven t said how old your son is but I have been through this with mine….Not injecting..or as far as i know…Mcat and cannabis my son has been in and out of Y.O.I…breached tag no end of times and appointments with yot and probation…I too threw him out and things got worse but I had to for a younger siblings sake….Only this year he was completely homeless spent three nights on street asked for me to pay for b and b it was like living hell…I cried, worried felt like a terrible mum but deep down i knew he had to hit an all time low without me picking up the pieces….Thankfully at the moment it appears to have worked …I am not saying indefinately and I am not for one minute saying it works for every one,,,but do think you have to take the tough approach….I hope this brings you a little confidence in what your doing…take each day as it comes and stay strong…Best wishes xx

[lolipop]

Hi MB…. i have never posted on here before but after reading your post i just felt i had to reply. Your story is almost identical to mine. I have a son who has smoked weed for around 2 years. when he can he smokes the really strong stuff.he also lives at home and like you our relationship was non existent.He too has isolated himself from friends and family and see no one outside of work other than his dealers. it has been a very difficult painful road for us. I have learned to separate the addict and my son. I no longer lend him money or bail him out of bad situations. I don’t let him smoke the vile stuff in our house (he goes outside ) He too used to get aggressive and verbally abusive . The last time he did it i threw him out . He came back the next day and apologized and we let him back home. after that i refuse to let him treat me in that way and told him so. Next time he does it i will phone the police. Do you have any body to talk to ? I go to a family and friends group which has saved my sanity ! i would try to find a group local to you and i know its hard but go and keep going it really does help. I have been advised by a drug worker that my son probably has un diagnosed ADHD ( he was extremely hyper as a kid ) As adults they are more likely to become addicted as they use drugs to self medicate themselves. I used to feel very angry towards my son and couldnt look at him somedays without wanting to scream at him. Then i became very sad and cried a lot. Now i live my life and leave him to his . In the last few months our relationship has improved he will talk about everyday stuff but any mention of his weed use and he shuts down and wont speak to me for days so i dont try to discuss it with him. i figure that he knows i love him and will always be there whenever he’s ready to change. i don’t hold out much hope but i continue to love him as moms its all we can do.
Its been said to me many times ” You didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it ! ”
Sending you a hug
Dee xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jimbob,
The previous post has nothing to do with Adfam or Icarus Trust.
There are no magic answers but there are people who you can talk to who have experience of what you are going through.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that is there to support family and friends of addicts through our ‘Family Friend’ service. if you contact us we would put you in touch with one of our Family Friends who will listen and try to help you. This is a free service so please give it a try.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jimbob,
The previous post I referred to has now been taken off as it didn’t represent the support that Adfam or Icarus Trust offer. Sorry for any confusion.
I hope that you will get in touch with Icarus Trust and find it useful.

[cant-take-no-more]

Jo bob, I know that feeling….you are enabling your son, and each time you give him money you add to his addiction..stop giving him money..if he wants to do cocaine, no amount of money will ever be enough…get support for yourself, because simply talking to others makes life more bearable..the best thing I did was to stop all the help…money, food, paying his bills….wish I’d have done it much earlier…hugs to you xx

[icarus-trust]

Hoi Jean Joyce
I can tell from reading your story how hard your son’s addiction is for you. He is very lucky to have such a strong mum but It does sound like you could do with having some support for yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity set up to support the family and friends of addicts. If you contact us you could be put in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are our experienced trained volunteers. They would understand what you are going through and talking with them might help you to continue to face your challenge.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best.

[sad-and-tired]

I can agree with the above, my son had a heavy coke habit, I gave him money as I thought I was helping him. I was only helping him continue to pay dealers for drugs. Stop helping him, be hard, don’t give him cash, if he is hungry cook him a meal. I have done this and it is paying off slowly with my son. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to come back up xx and I agree I wish I had done it sooner

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jimbob
I agree with all the others have said. Don’t forget to get some help for yourself. The Icarus Trust is there if you need us.

[justine]

My son is still at home but it has been awful luckily still has a job but we couldn’t understand where all his money had gone ,he took out loans and a credit card that he went over the limit straight away , I also would like for him to go for help got all the info but has had it thrown back in my face . A bit of weed might feel manageable but nearly always leads to something worse. But like you said we as mothers can’t just switch off ….x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Joanna
Your story is heart breaking but thank you for sharing. I wonder whether it would help if you got in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people like yourself who are having to cope with the affect of a loved one’s addiction. Our ‘Family Friends’ are very experienced trained volunteers and it might help support you to have a talk with one of them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[mb]

Thank you so much for your comments Dee. I was beginning to think there was no -one out there! Yes I am showing ‘tough love’ but as a single parent he is fully aware I stand alone, so I have taken a stance by refusing to support his habit, but it affects my life ultimately. I have tried giving him ultimatums and deadline, but they come and pass and of course he knows that. Thank you for your advice, I will join the parent support group. I hope it helps. Much appreciation x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

If you would like to talk to someone about how you are feeling our charity The Icarus Trust has trained volunteers who would understand what you are going through. Our service called Family Friends is free.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps you.

[lyn]

reading this story it seems very similar to mine and i am too at my wits end my son uses his anxiety to blame for everything and wont admitsits the weed where do we go from here i dont know just pray iget my lovely son back because he was such a lovely boy take care

[jmh]

Thank you, my son is 24. He started with taking benzos, then sleeping tablets , then injected nytol, then yesterday ketamine!!!! I am out my mind with worry, he has been living on the edge of death doing this and I prayed everyday I wouldn’t find him dead in his room…it tears me apart….he begged me not to throw him out, but manipulation n lies became the norm. Its tough love, and its sooooo difficult as I am on my own with no one to be my rock. Thanks for ur message x

[roddersb]

I absolutely feel for you. My son is now 17 and started cannabis at 13. We have had the whole gambit of drugs since and he now cannot live with me anymore because he is a risk to me and his sisters who are only 11. He has stolen from me, been arrested, stabbed and taken overdoses. We have had all the services involved and things have just gotten worse. Worse still is that I am a professional with adolescent services and work within the team who have been trying to support my son. It is a nightmare.

[icarus-trust]

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time and facing some difficult choices. It often helps to talk through things with people who may understand what you are going through. The charity Icarus Trust helps support people like you who are dealing with the impact of addicts in their family.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this may help you. Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Shelby,
I’m so sorry that you are having to cope with such difficult issues around your brother. It must be very hard knowing what to do for the best.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support the friends and families of addicts because we know how hard it is for people like yourself. We have a free service called ‘family Friends’. These are experienced trained volunteers. You could talk with one of them which might help you to find a way ahead. They would be able to help you know what support is out there for your brother.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps.

[suzy]

Hi Shelby, My Daughter did exactly the same thing, allowed her brother to live with her and her family. Unfortunately like you, she learned he wasn’t being truthful, he was using every day in her home. I had to ask him to leave as she like you felt guilty. Unfortunately drug abusers are very selfish and manipulative they know how to make people feel sorry for them. think about your self, your life, your childrens lives and ask him to go. If he really wants to get clean, he will do it and you can support him while he is sober. He knows where he can get the help. Only professionals can help him. If he stays he will suck the life out of you, your life, your childrens lives and there will be nothing but misery, stress and worry. Release him with love. You know you love him and you know you will support him when he is being treated. You your partner and your children come first. Be strong, get some support for you. Hopefully your Brother will find a way of receiving the help he needs. xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi JMH, your doing the right thing, as concerned mum says, its hard but by not enabling them, and doing the right thing for your child has to be the only answer… It took me a while to see what my son was doing….and that broke my heart…but I am steadfast in the knowledge that as a family we are doing the right thing….

[jane2504]

I feel your pain. Its so sad. I know how you must be feeling. I only manage to cope by closing my mind to it (as much as I can). I wish I could win the lottery and put them all in rehab but they would probably just use again!

[dee]

As we type this now I have one son ringing me every 15mins desperate for money saying he has people coming to his door for money he owes them at 12.30am, but I am sticking to my guns, I will not give him any money, he also says hes sat with no gas or electric, it hurts especially knowing he is so ill but I cannot give him money. I have been trying to talk to the younger one all day but he has turned his phone off, its all getting too much for me, I don’t have a normal life! my mother is 86 and I feel I am going to bury my 2 sons before her at this rate, Im at my wits end.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
I think it might help you to speak to your doctor about what you have read. I’m sure that they would be able to help you.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Sunny G
Thanks for sharing your story and the difficult situation you are facing.
If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are dealing with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are having to deal with the addictive behaviour of a family member. We have experienced trained volunteers who you would be able to talk with who might be able to help you find a way ahead. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[icarus_trust]

Hi Dee,

I don’t know what to say, this is horrific. It’s too much for any human being to deal with, and you are being so strong.

This isn’t sales or anything, there is another charity which may be able to help you. They have trained people for you to speak to and who can “signpost” you to help which hopefully will be something. They are called The Icarus Trust and you can contact them on their website http://www.icarustrust.org or simply email them on info@icarustrust.org.

I really hope this is some help and can give you the support you need and deserve. I wish you all the best.

[ethie]

Hi all
My son is back on Heroin he has been on and off for 16 years, its heart-breaking as he is a nice person but this drug changes him ,we are at a bad place at the moment.

[hope-heart]

Hi Dee
Watching our loved ones slowly walking down a road of self destruction is the most painful, guilt wracking and helpless places to be, you need some support too, get in touch with your local drug agency they may well have a group or a counsellor you can speak too, sometimes reaching out for help can be scary because its like admitting there really is a problem (we are quite good at being strong) but it can provide you with the extra strength to carry on, one day at a time. All the best

[dee]

Since I first contacted this page my younger son, the diabetic has sought help and is now on a programme with the help f drug counciling, the other son the really poorly one is just getting worse and deeper into it, he has told me in the last week that he is injecting crack with citric acid into his fistula, (a fistula is create for dialysis by grafting an artery and vein in his upper arm so as to insert dialysis needles into) this is extreamly dangerous and he knows it. He got his sinkness benefit at midnight and this morning has not a penny left, he now gets nothing for 2 weeks. He has drug dealer at his door all the time wanting money he owes them or to sell him more, he doesn’t need money to get more drugs he gets them on credit!! so next benefit will proberbly be spent now. I fear for his life, if his illness doesn’t kill him very soon the drugs will. He would be better off in prison, that has saved his life in the past, as sad as that sounds.

[sad-and-tired]

Your story could have been me and my son. It broke my heart but I had to kick him out he had turned my life into a nightmare. I pray tough love helps but at the moment he is managing to manipulate others into taking him in. Be strong and let him see what real choices he is making for himself. Good luck

[icarus_trust]

Hi Maisy,

This is a horrific situation for anyone to be in, let alone a mother and her child. There are other forms of help which can be of huge help to you, your family and your son. At The Icarus Trust, we have trained advisor’s who will listen to you and your family, and signpost you to local support as well. This is a free service as they are here to help you, so please do get in touch with them. You can go to the website http://www.icarustrust.co.uk, or contact them over email on info@icarustrust.org.

I hope this is of some help to you!

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sad to read of how difficult you are finding coping with the thoughts of your mum, and that you feel so alone. I know that you are having counselling but if you wanted any one else to talk to The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to the family and friends of addicts. We have trained volunteers that you could talk to if you felt that it would be helpful They have lots of experience at talking to people who have experienced what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you can start to manage the feelings you have about your mum and your family. All the very best to you.

[burrows]

You sound like an amazing woman; I would be proud to have you as a daughter, I’m sure your mum was proud in her way.

You say you’re desperate but it sounds from the outside like you’re really getting there. Well done for holding on through all the pain and discomfort.

You mention trying to fill the gap, I recognise that too. Get yourself a notebook or even a dumb flowery diary, write about it. You’ve shown how well and passionately you write. Get it all out on paper; writing helps massively. I did this when i realised I didn’t need more going into my head – it was already full of overwhelming feelings – and let it out on paper instead.
Take care of yourself and keep writing. x

[maisyr]

Thank you, I will have a look at the site. I’m beside my self with worry and amn’t coping very well at all. I knew that to protect his 3 sisters and not to not enable him meant I’ve had to let him go. I was so worried one of them would find something & take it not knowing what it was. I just hurt so badly and feel such a failure as a mother.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi Maisy….your story mirrors mine….my sons father and I split when he was 3 and his step dad and I have now been together 20 years, with another child who is 14 years younger….we went through 4 years of hell…and eventually after helping with funding him a flat, furnishing it, buying food, paying off dealers, handing over money, having him steal off the family, lying, stealing…we had enough. We told him never to come to the house on or with drugs/alcohol…and when he was ready to get help we would be there…I’ve seen him high, angry, sad, violent, enter prison….I’ve heard him tell me he will kill himself, hurt himself, hurt someone if he can’t have money, and eventually had enough…Ithe whole family cut him off, and eventually he asked for help…he has kept appointments with drug counsellors, the job centre and was clean for 5 weeks..had a relapse for a day, but got back on it and nearly 4 weeks later has got himself a full time job, which he started last week..I’m not saying it’s all rosy, and we know he can relapse at any time…it’s a daily fight for him…but it’s HIS fight..as parents we can only support them on their recovery when they want it.And that’s the hardest part, cause as parents we want to make everything right for them…unfortunately drugs/alcohol take over the person we once knew and leave a stranger in their place…hugs Hunni, and get some support for yourself….just someone else listening and understanding is a great help..honestly…much luv xx

[maisyr]

Can’t take no more. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I truly appreciate it! I have been messaging my son, not insisting he does anything just telling him that we love him and are here whenever he wants help & support. He can never live in our home again, due to the younger kids, as it’s too big a risk to take. My parents have told him that when he’s ready to see a counsellor and therapist that their door is open and he can have a chance living with them. It is so difficult, but I know you’re right it’s his fight and I have to step back and let go. I know being so upset and on edge all the time isn’t giving my other 3 kids a good life either so I need to try and move on. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I’m glad to have found support & thank you! It makes it that little but easier having people who understand without judgement. X

[cant-take-no-more]

It’s never easy Hunni, and those that judge simply cannot understand the agony families goes through. Don’t concentrate on those, concentrate on you and your family…..I’m no longer ashamed….it’s an illness, that my son is fighting…..and believe me it’s rife..in every town, in every city, on every street…..once I stopped enabling him, making it hard for him, then he had to get to rock bottom…….unfortunate but true…..hugs Hunni and stay strong xxxxx

[maddie]

hi maisy i have been through everything you are going through.my son has been thrown out of our home 5 times but he always managed to get back in with sob stories only to steal off us again.he has since had 3 flats he lost 2 through going to prison yet again down to his drug taking.even though he is no longer living at home he is still stealing from us.he recently applied for 17 pay day loans pretending to be me!myself and the family have finally cut him off and it is hard i have been just like you crying everyday worried sick were he is sleeping etc but i feel like i have been on a wheel and cant get off but now i am trying to be tough. its hard i have had abusive txt then really nice txt him trying to get back in my life but it has gone to far.i have tried to help him for the last 8 years to no avail. i am hopeing now he is on his own he might seek help and stick to it only time will tell.your not alone and dont blame yourself although you do at first but we havnt done anything wrong. they are chooseing to put the drugs first.take care hope this helps x

[icarus-trust]

I am so sorry to hear what’s happening to your son. Please contact The Icarus Trust if you think that there is anything that we could help you with.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you and your son all the best.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey frantic mum…haven’t been on for a while and saw your post….oh Hunni, no words I can say to make things better..I hope he gets through this and gets Back on that road to recovery…here if you need me xxxxx

[maisyr]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I felt so alone so having all your help means an incredible amount to me. Just knowing I am not alone is extremely beneficial. I am now fine during the day. However morning & night time I feel dreadful. I gaze out the window at night wondering where he’s sleeping & if he’s safe then in the morning wake up & wonder if he’s ok. I just keep telling myself it’s his choice and there’s nothing I can do about it. I remind him every day through message that I love him and am here to support him when he’s ready. I am firmly standing by the decision that he can never live in our home again. The 3 other children need a stable environment. I have to keep thinking we must let them go and with hope they’ll find the right path. I know you must all be as equally heart broken and am glad to have found this site. X

[alan_s]

It is tough when you just can’t take any more and then you feel guilty for trying top preserve your own sanity. There is help available for him AND for you. Look for the post from ‘Icarus’ on this section and make contact. They specialist in confidential, discreet help for the families of addicts. Don’t forget yourself in all this, you need to be strong for when he finally comes through this.

[harret-micky]

Well i am Harret. when i lost my husband because of our son was a grug addict. i just have to look for means to get back my happiness and stop my son from drugs. That was when i read article and find oshogumspelltemple@live.com, He help me in so many ways and i only provide him some materials that he use and he said i must tell every body of how he help me as his charges so i agreed. that while i came to your blog to tell any body that uses it how oshogumspelltemple@live.com make me get all that i desire, bring back my husband and make my son to stop drugs…it really pain to lost happiness

[Author]

Posts