[tattoogirl]

Hi I’m new to this but don’t really know what else to do or how to cope. I just need to make sense of things in my head as I’m hurting so bad.

my boyfriend of 2 years has a cocaine addiction which has gradually got worse and worse. I’ve supported him since the day I met him as he suffered from depression (probably caused by drugs). I’ve went above and beyond and lost a lot of my friends along the way who didn’t support my choice.

I’ve been ???? loyal, so kind and supportive but it’s a lot to deal with. He’s not very nice to me, wastes weekends off it then sleeping it off. I’ve tried everything to help him get help. He knows he’s got a problem, says he’s going to get help and sort himself out but does nothing about it which I find disrespectful if he knows he’s treating me so bad.

We get a long so good though and I absolutely love his company.

Anyway last week when he ruined our plans by getting on it I told him we were done. I thought it might give him a kick up the backside to think shit I should sort myself out but instead I haven’t heard off him and I’ve I know he’s messaging someone else. I feel so hurt I just don’t understand how he can turn his back on everything and move on so quick with someone else. Does this mean I meant absolutely nothing at all to him? As if you love someone surely you couldn’t do that. I can’t sleep, eat or concentrate I’m just so confused. Please someone help me understand. Thank you xx

[paw_x]

Hi Tattoogirl,

First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, you need to know that this is not your problem, and that no matter what you do, you cannot help or force your boyfriend into recovering from addiction. You will drive yourself insane trying to understand why he does what he does, and it won’t ever make any sense. It doesn’t matter how supportive and wonderful you are to him – as an addict he will continue to take you for granted, do what he likes, and ruin his own life (and possibly yours as well) until he decides in himself he needs to recover. That could be years down the line, or decades. You have no control over it.

Please, reconnect with your friends. Take your life back. This will get worse. You need support. Don’t alienate yourself, and share your problems with someone you trust. It might take until he’s lost EVERYTHING (that could be his job, his home, his family/friends, you) before he even realises he needs to turn things around. Even then, he might never realise. You have the option of deciding if you want to be around for him to potentially take you down with him.

As the partner of an addict, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I wouldn’t wish the hurt, the feeling of having been lied to, humiliated, and generally disrespected, on anyone. You sacrifice so much of yourself for this person, with no guarantee it will be worth it in the end. Is that what you want from your life?

My partner is the love of my life and my soulmate. His addiction has ruined us, and I don’t know if we’ll make it. That’s him being nothing but perfect (addiction aside), giving me a life I never thought I’d have at one point. You say your boyfriend isn’t very nice to you. With that alone, I’d be running a mile if I were you. Don’t hang on to someone who treats you like rubbish AND has a devastating addiction going on. See this as a lucky escape from a life of misery.

Good luck x

[Jaynielou]

Hi Tattoogirl

I’m sorry you are going through this. I can relate to this, my ex was a drinker when we met & then 7 months into the relationship he told me he also smoked crack. I’ve had sleepless nights, can’t eat, depressed & anxious. 2 months ago I threw him out. We still remained friends & I told him if he got clean & off the drink I would consider giving him one last chance.

He went to.live in a ymca, supposedly changing & getting himself sorted. He’s done nothing to change, lies, is moody when he’s coming off the crack. He always turns the blame onto me, why he drinks & does drugs.

I’ve now cut all ties with him. It’s hard & I feel sad & really low but in my heart I know I’ve done the right thing. You need to think about yourself & well being. Please stay strong & you will get through this

 

[Fiona1999]

Hi Tattoogirl,
<p style=”text-align: left;”>First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. About maybe 2 weeks ago I was going through the same as you.</p>
What I can advise you for now is to try to take time for yourself, take care of yourself how you’d treated him. Take a step back and breath a little. I can imagine these 2 years have been really hard for you, so please, take good care of yourself, you deserve that.

I also said things like “maybe we shouldn’t be together” to him while being in the heat of the moment and see if he will care, he gone totally insane that night, went on a binge and even did some questionable things to sabotage our relationship.

I am sure he cares and loves you dearly, but the drugs is his “main” focus now, which isn’t fair to you. That’s why you need to focus on yourself right now. My boyfriend is going into rehab in August and while he’s in there for some weeks I suggested to not speak for that period of time so he can fully focus on his time there.

I wish you the best and please talk to us on here, we are always here for you! <3

 

 

 

[tattoogirl]

Thank you 3 so much for taking the time out to reply to me, it really means a lot. I lost my best friend as she hated my boyfriend so much she just couldn’t understand why I continued to help him. I was brought up to be caring and kind and help others and once I found everything out I promised I’d help him and I stuck to my word.

your words have really helped, guess I needed to realise what I’d done so wrong to deserve this. But maybe he can only ever have room for a relationship with cocaine.

Sending you all lots of love to you too. Hope your situations turn out the way you hope xxx

 

[worriedsister]

My sister was an addict and the only thing that stopped her was her becoming very unwell (not drug related) but she was hospitalised for a few months. Which looking back was a god send this was the only way she is now clean ( one year on) but I also had a boyfriend who i didn’t know was using cocaine and crack until a few months in to the relationship and he progressively got worse.
he then stopped and I put a post on here about having hope etc …. 3 months  later he’s back on it worse than ever. I chucked him out and it’s broke my heart so much but I know he’s not going to change. He said he wants to but next breath he says he doesn’t want to and won’t change

I mean he’s 45 so he’s prob right he won’t stop he’s lost everything his home and family.

I am devastated but you need to look out for yourself xxxxx

[paw_x]

Hi lovely,

Unfortunately, I think sometimes being kind and caring is what puts us in these situations, we can be drawn to people who are struggling and we try to fix other peoples problems, never putting ourselves first. But for your own survival and your own sanity, you need to do what’s best for you.

I hope you can try to reconnect with your best friend and just know, you did nothing wrong. This isn’t your fault. He might get help at some point and I hope he does, but it’s not your battle and you need to live your own life filled with happiness and peace. I hope you get there x

[xSARAx963x]

Hi Tatoogirl

One thing I thought, and this hopefully will resonate with you. You have done all you can to help him and none of this, is your fault. None of it.

When we fall for someone we fall, and we rarely realise until much later the person we love is actually abusing us by their behaviour.

When that abuser is a partner or spouse, even if we have children with them, we have a choice however hard that is, to separate from them both for their and our own good. Indeed if there is no listening or engagement to stop on their behalf, we owe it to ourselves to choose life. Living the way you are and being controlled by their actions, is abuse and it rarely gets better unless THEY have the desire to change.

I lived with an alcoholic, drug taking spouse for 8 years, 7 years of which I tried because we had 2 children together, I loved him, and I felt this was my own fault for taking up with him. In the end I had to get away before one of us  died.

He stopped me from taking my children with me and I had many years of hell all be it supported by a new kind and loving husband after the first two years. I fought to get my children but he lied, abused the systems and poisoned the children’s minds saying I’d left them…

After 17 years he died. Was there relief? No. I had to deal with the emotional mess of my sons and rebuild some sort of relationship. Then my youngest son went off the rails and became an alcoholic and drug user. I’ve developed a serious long term incurable illness because of the stress. I’ve lost most of my family because I wouldn’t give up on my son. He rings me all through the day and night desperate for this and that, not caring if I live or die because the alcohol and drugs have made him stone cold selfish. I love my son, and myself and my husband are being ruined financially, drained emotionally, and it’s actually putting me on the verge of hospital with a major heart problem. This despite the fact my son was actually trying to get out of this situation and needs help but there’s nothing in our area ( another issue).

So what I’m saying to you, is get out while you can. Keep any children safe. Because this for me is a living hell and I’ll probably be dead before long. When it’s a partner you can leave. When it’s your child you are tied by an umbilical chord that is so much harder to severe.

All you did was fall in love with the wrong person. You deserve a better life. Walk away before it is too late. I’ve had 23 years of this and I’m at breaking point. Please if my story can help you walk away, then my life has some purpose left.

Good luck????

 

[xSARAx963x]

Just to add, ‘promises’ to help means help, not do it for them. Even if you walk away, you fulfilled your promise. Promises mean nothing to an addict. They break their own over and over because the desire to substance abuse is stronger making promises impossible to keep. They are living by different moral standards now. Only they can change you cannot do it for them ????????

[Author]

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