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I met my partner at university 20 years ago…and he would sometimes behave jealous and weird and after 4 years together eventually we broke up. We met again when we were older and married. I have been working abroad as a teacher and my husband has remained in the UK, losing his job. When I came back over Christmas he was awful and kept accusing me of cheating….said he had recordings of me and was convinced of this. (My best friend and cousin have listened to these recordings and they can’t hear anything….which of course they would not, because I have not cheated…I have NO idea what he can hear that no one else can!) He told members of my family that I cheated and he has proof – the whole thing is just so motifying. He is so convincing that other people believe him!! I am currently back in the UK, remote teaching my school pupils and a few nights ago my husband was up all night, he kept opening the front door and shouting out (as if to scare someone away) and hovered in the hallway or sat and watched me sleep. He was awful. The next morning when he came out of the shower and accused me of sleeping with someone while he was in the shower! He then stole my laptop and was looking through my history and did the same with my phone. I found a paper straw in the bathroom and confronted him and he said ‘yes, he has done drugs and I have driven him to it’. He says he is a ‘drug user’ and not an ‘addict’ and I am the reason he uses cocaine. He is so awful to me I feel like dying. I do not recognise this man at all and I can’t handle it. I don’t deserve this and even now he just keeps accusing me of cheating. What am I supposed to do? I just feel entirely broken. I wish I could go and see someone for help…but with covid, I assume I can’t see anyone in person.
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Sounds like it could be something like psychosis.
My partner has went through days of thinking the neighbours where spying on us, drilling holes through the ceiling & etc watching us.
She was drinking & stressed.
Video chats and online chats are available with professional people, if your husband is reasonably then maybe get him on a phone to a doctor.
Keep yourself safe.
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He might also just be in denial as you said. My partner has constantly pushed me away while dealing with her alcohol addiction. She rather deal with it along instead of pulling me into the whole detox, doctor / hospital visits. She says she rather have me get on with my life. Of course she rather I didn’t, she’s just stress and struggling.
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There’s numbers on this page that you can also phone and talk to someone that can help.
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Sounds like hes been hammering it. Paranoia is hard to get rid off trust me I know myself. Many a time I used to think police were coming through my door. Hope he can get the help he needs. I’m on day 22 since stopping. I’m doing a CBT course to help me with my behaviours and also retrain my brain to think logically again. He needs to stop because if he continues it could turn permanent
Lookup
Cocaine enduced psychosis
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I’m going to give you the brutal truth. You cant convince him. No matter what you say or do hes gonna do it. Not until he sees himself hes got a problem. And even that can take years to then get off. Its downhill from here. You need to make hom realise that he might lose you if he doesn’t get help.
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Ahhh speak to my ex wife she will help you change your mind shes good at doing the being cold stuff ????
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She will throw 9 years away as shes been through it all with me and the using etc. I thank her in a way because I was a lost cause In my head. Deffo never going back there ????????????????????
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If he is hostile, I would suggest moving out and then help him.
You can’t make him do anything. He needs to wanting to do it for himself or for you.
Surely you can speak to his GP on his behalf, just to inform the GP that is is using and you are worried about his well being ?
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Have you spoke to his family members (Mum,dad), maybe one of them can make him see reason?
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sickworried,
Sorry, I haven’t been around much over the weekend. How are you doing?
In my experience, him telling his friends you have cheated, they probably don’t believe him. I know my husbands friends didnt, they paid him lip service, but they all knew it was in his head. However, they didnt help me.
You don’t have kids, please leave him. Your mental and physical health will suffer, I lost a tremendous amount of weight and I’m already slim, I was almost skeletal, because I couldn’t eat through worry.
I didn’t leave because of fear, by leaving I thought it would look like I was guilty, crazy huh. Don’t bother recording your downtime, he’s paranoid about what ‘didnt happen’ in the past, as opposed to what is happening now, and there is nothing you can do about that, trust me. You cannot make someone believe you, you wont have proof that something didn’t happen. The same way that he wont find proof that it did, yet he is happy to make you feel like this.
I am worrying about you, I know how I felt going through what you are. I’m mentally scarred from the years, I’m getting better, but I still second guess what he’ll think to a comment before speaking. I was in counselling myself before lockdown, because I know that I need to work on my ingrained fear. He is fine now, clean and content, but I still can’t change how I react because its deep rooted.
Sending love x
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Right you literally need to leave him or make him leave. He will not get better when he doesn’t want help. I’m day 24 today off it and I’m like a new person… still have mood swings as these can occur up to 10 weeks after but not as bad as when I was on it. Honest truth is he will not change for no one until hes ready… I was made to be ready…
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Search cocaine enduced psychosis
Will give you a bit more info.
It only kicks in while hes using. I used to get it in uncomfortable situations.
I only got it when having cocaine it was horrible
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sickworried,
Your story almost made me feel sick, I had an identical situation with my husband early 2017. I actually think he did really believe that he was right and that I was lying, there was no proof because nothing happened, he smashed my phone up, phoned my boss (happily married with teenage children!!) and demanded to see logs of conversations (mortified), demanded to look through my internet history, it got to the point that I actually believed he’d put a tracker on my car – which wouldnt have been very exciting to watch, home, shop, nursery, home and repeat. There was NOTHING I could say to make him believe me, he was obsessed. He was also heavily using Coke. Its really hard to prove innocence to something you never thought you’d have to.
Took my husband almost 6 months to sort himself out, during which time he was awful to live with.
He’s had a few relapses since then, and the same thing rears its ugly head. But clean it doesnt…. go figure!
In addition, its worth mentioning that while I wasnt being unfaithful, he actually was. So I wonder if the guilt of that manifested itself into believing if he was then I must be.
I don’t know the answer, but you are not alone. If you can get out do, it might give him a wake up call. Do you have any kids?
x
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Sickworried,
From what I understand, coke exacerbates paranoia and continues to till it (coke stops), then there’s the counselling! What are the chances of this happening and if so, committing (to both)? The havoc and abuse – unimaginable to me. I’m concerned about you. 20 years of waste if you ‘end’ it or 20 more years if you don’t? I read Robb’s and Dot’s response. YES. Get help ASAP. Given the circumstances you’ve detailed, if this ‘sits’, I don’t see improvement. I don’t like where this may be headed.
I’ve experienced isolation, living with an addict – it exacerbated the ‘mixed bag’. I haven’t experienced physical abuse or threats of. Found I was second guessing myself though. Dispirited and resigned, thinking ‘this is it’. Again, I can only imagine walking in your shoes. COVID19 limits the branches of help but they are there.
Phone help lines can provide a list of medicos, therapists etc. Many are free of charge. There are other forums out there too like Adfam, to get it out. I joined Adfam today. Thank you Robb! Any key words will lead to a link formed for spouses/families of addicts. You’ll find something that suits you. There’ll be a range for you.
No doubt about it, addiction becomes a family disease and a progressive one at that. It can become a trap for all concerned. The professionals truly can provide so much assistance – facts and practical information, all with care and understanding. You’re not alone Sickworried.
Best wishes to you from Oz.
StraightUp.
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Has anyone heard from Sickworried, I’m worried about her.
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No I haven’t heard anything
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Thanks Dot – I hope she’s ok, her partners paranoia seems off the scale, and knowing how I felt when my husband was like that, I am concerned for her.
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With this being an anon forum nothing we can do. Maybe message her privately or get a moderator too it will go to her email… all I can suggest
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Is there a way to private message? I dont think I know how to do that. To be honest I’m worried that he’s found that she’s been getting support on this forum Dot 🙁
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As indicated in the forum guidelines it’s really important that personal information and contact details aren’t shared on the forum. The forum is a safe and anonymous environment, and sharing personal information breaches that anonymity. That’s why forum users, including the moderators, aren’t able to privately message or contact others outside of the forum. If you wanted to contact the Adfam forum moderators directly you can email forum@adfam.org.uk.
We’re really sorry to hear about the difficult experiences that have been shared on this thread.
If anyone ever feels that they are in immediate danger as a result of their situation they should phone 999.
For information and advice around domestic abuse you can phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If anyone is feeling particularly vulnerable and needs to speak with someone about how they are feeling, you can phone Samaritans on 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Thank you.
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Glad you are okay. It will get easier I promise. Focus on yourself for a bit and get stronger you can do this.
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I echo Dot’s message. I’m pleased you are ok, and getting the support you need. Sending huge hugs and lots of love, you can do this ???? take care of yourself, you deserve happiness x
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Huge relief! What bravery. Keep at it. YOU are more than worth it. You are loved. You have support. People care about you and your wellbeing, don’t forget.
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