[believe]

Please help me. I am completely at a loss. I don’t know where to start with the story and what I now know is after suspecting and then finding out for sure…

My 24 year old son is addicted to heroin. He began using it 7 months ago as he was depressed and didn’t care whether he lived or died. He was already taking xanex, cocaine and and various other drugs that he purchased off the dark web he has now told me.

I had heard (7 months ago)some very very loud strange breathing coming from his room in the middle of the night – I knocked on his door and he eventually answered me and said he had been dreaming. It now turns out that he had used heroin that night for the first time with a view to not caring if he woke up, I now understand that it was the relaxed breathing that could have potentially meant he died.

From using heroin that he believed he would be able to control, it very quickly escalated to not being able to do without it, experiencing withdrawals and cravings and using more and more.

My son has had a very difficult journey in life for various reasons and choices. He was in The Priory when he was 13 for self-harming, depression, suicidal thoughts and using cannabis (and trying cocaine and probably more). He smoked,he drank, he had tattooed himself and was sexually active – all of this was mixing with dysfunctional much older peers. Lack of a diagnosis of ADHD when he was young may have impacted. This was eventually diagnosed when he was 14 alongside depression and social anxiety.

Although he was discharged after 5 months, things were never right and he continued to make unsafe, dangerous and poor choices. His mental health and physical health always an issue. He struggled though school, dropped out of college and did not work for many years. His girlfriend from the age of 13 ended their relationship when they were both 21. He did not see this coming and took it extremely badly and blamed himself. He limped on from the shock of the broken relationship for the last couple of years.

And now here we are…living the nightmare…

My son has tried to give up heroin, detoxing several times and relapsing. I caught him out with heroin again in the house and he said he was going to kill himself – we got through the crisis with him saying the ‘right’ things to the crisis team that he wanted to give it up etc. He wanted to do the blocker programme that lasted for 3 days and he had brought more heroin anyway. More withdrawal, using, withdrawal while waiting to start the methadone programme. I intercepted a bag full of various pills in the post that clearly meant he as planning on using. I thought that this would be the way forward (and only way) with methadone, but now I believe he is injecting.

I am devastated and broken. I have tried to support him in amongst the horror and fear. I have been a single parent since he was 18months old.

Where will this end? I am told by my ex husband to throw him out (and his older brothers). I do not know how I can physically, mentally or emotionally do that, but I am struggling so much. When do you give up?

[kateplumb]

I have no idea what hell you and your son are going through – but you don’t strike me as the sort of person that would give up. You have already come so far. I do think now is the time to get more long term professional help, I’m sure you know this. I’m a dependant user so my story is different so I can’t begin to know how you feel. I wish you both a better future.

[believe]

Kateplumb – Thank you for taking the time to message me, I really appreciate that.

I am so frightened for my son and myself. I don’t know if I am facilitating him being able to use drugs in a comfortable home. He only has a part time cleaning job so he does not have much money, barely gives me any rent and is fed and looked after. He obviously spends his money on drugs rather than looking to the future of moving out and being self-sufficient.

His mental health is very bad but he cannot access counselling as he is on drugs and he says he wants to kick the drugs first, but to me it is all part of why he has made these choices and how to stop. Just going round in circles trying to get help. He cannot access a psychologist unless he is hearing voices etc and is sectioned.

[lindyloo]

Hi Believe welcome to the forum. Everyone here has a loved one with addictions and also some people in recovery offering support and advice.

I’m so sorry to read your story, you must be exhausted with this nightmare of addiction.

I agree with Kate Plumb, you should seek advice from the Adfam homepage or Icarus trust, or maybe Drugfam. It’s very important that you look after your own health and well-being and only then, will you be able to get the strength to support your son.

I usually post on the Theresa thread, we are a group of mums who have sons with addictions.

It’s good to talk or vent to others who have been in similar situations. The ladies are so kind and supportive.

My son is currently , thankfully in recovery at the moment. I never get complacent as we all know with mental health issues/adhd, ocd etc things can change pretty quickly.

I just wanted you to know there’s no need to feel alone in this nightmare of addiction.

Take care ❤

Lx

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