[amber04]

Hi everyone. I’ve been with my bf for a long time and we have kids. Ever since I’ve known him he’s taken cocaine. To start with it would be just in a lads night out. It’s now been an actual problem for him for about 5 years.

He told me he’s addicted and he’ll sort himself out. I’ve not been to most pro active person in helping him and our life has turned into a cycle of him taking it, me being pissed off about it and us barely speaking while he sleeps off his come down. Then we’ll have a talk and have one or 2 days of normality then he goes and takes it again.

More recently when we’re in the comedown/Not speaking time he’ll blame me for not being supportive, say he thinks I’m fake and he doesn’t trust me. Then I get upset and say why does every time this turns onto me being the person in the wrong. I’m not the one out taking drugs then coming home being nasty?!

Well in the last few weeks I’ve really researched what it means to be a drug addict and in a relationship with a drug addict. I’ve learnt I’m an enabler and I’ve told him now my boundaries. These are that he is never near the kids when he’s had stuff and he never ever brings it into the house. He’s to do a CA meeting each week and in return I’m going to not hols my feelings back which is hard for me as I’m not one to rock the boat. I internalize stuff rather than talk it out.

Well Monday I said all this to him and then he went out and got some coke. That was also the day of his first CA zoom meeting so I said right you’ve made a big step, day one is tomorrow. We’ve had a lovely week then last night he says he’s going to go straight to the gym from work (gym is new to keep him busy) but then he doesn’t end up coming home. He text me this morning to say he had a bad relapse and slept in his van. I just said ok and thought to myself I’d rather have a chat face to face when he gets home. But he’s not come home again. Phone is off. I just don’t know what to do. Thing with him is he’s honest about when he does it (I can tell just with one look at him anyway) and he says it’s really fucking hard and he wants to stop. Do I give him more time with his next CA meeting being in a couple of days? I’ve ordered some NAC supplements after reading about them on hear. Which he doesn’t know about yet as I can’t get hold of him.

Sorry it’s a long one!

[bt1978]

Hey and welcome.

Ok so he is a bonafide addict. One meeting a week don’t do much. There are NA meetings all day every day in zoom, the suggestion is 90 meetings in 90 days to start when you are new, an hour or so a day from the comfort of your own home isn’t much to ask if you really want to sort yourself out.

Well done on doing research and stating boundaries – so many don’t get that far and look for magic answers.

Being honest is great, but not enough, action is needed here if he wants it enough.

This will it get worse unless there is a change, and it has to come from him. This is no way your fault, and you are not there to sort someone else out, though of course you’re want to support him. This is typical addict behaviour to justify the pickle they are in, I know this as I am one (recovering) by minimising my problems and blaming others I get to avoid the problem.

Keep posting and thanks so much for sharing, it really helps everyone when someone shares

[amber04]

Thankyou for replying. I will tell him to do more of the meetings.

Should he be trying to stop completely or wean himself off?

He previously spoke to a drug councillor over the phone who told him to start off doing it 3 times a week (he was already doing it that often maybe a bit more at the time so not really a change) he told her he thought twice a week was better and she said fine 2 or 3 times a week. Now I’ve come on this forum I see most people’s partners are stopping completely or being told to so I don’t really know how much I need to be allowing now?

[redfox20]

Hi sorry to hear you’re going through this in a very similar situation to yourself, been together 9 years 3 children I’ve only realised in the last week that it is more than what i thought it is an addiction. The final straw was he left the house early last week said he was going to work only to speak to he’s boss and be told said he called in sick, he ignored my calls and was later seen in our local pub. This ain’t normal behaviour for him he’s always done it since we have been together but it’s more an more now and any excuse any day not just a night out together or with the lads. He’s not himself anymore like a different person he just seems to not want to do anything unless he’s going out to get beers & sneakily gets coke. Ultimatums haven’t worked he’s told me he would rather drink, ive realised that im an enabler after reading about this I’m not helping being in his life he’s hiding it more & using more and that’s not helping. I’ve cut all contact with him and the kids too as he’s leaving them and not getting in touch that’s not fair. I’ve told my mum and he’s the whole truth to hopefully get him to see how serious this is he’s mum said she would get in touch with a gp but ive told her that he’s got to want it. I’m hoping me cutting him out for good this time and not taking him back right away will be the kick up the a** he needs to sort himself. In time I’ll sort contact with kids but for now I’m putting myself first. Do you think that you may need a break focus on yourself? It is lonely but so much easier than the constant worrying where he is what he’s doing etc.

[amber04]

I’m not sure what I should be doing in regards to having a break. Are you having a break and will take him back if he sorts himself out or are you done with him now if you don’t mind me asking?

I did tell him a couple of months ago I was done, I couldn’t carry on with how things were. I was so set on it. Then he cried and begged me to change my mind, which I did.

Things improved for a few weeks then went back to how it was before. Now he’s signed up to a CA meeting once a week and got a sponser but still been taking coke. Although respected my boundaries by not being around the kids or brining it home.

I’ve had really high anxiety the last 2 days and today feel just constantly on the verge of tears. It’s like I can’t concentrate on my own well being ie making meals or having the energy to get up and do the house work, take the kids out. It’s like all my energy is just having this shit situation running through my head day in day out. Last 2 nights I’ve been up till 2am just can’t switch off.

[redfox20]

Hi @amber04 for me the break is just concentrating on myself and the kids & not worrying about him or what he’s doing as much as i still love him it’s he’s problem he needs to help himself out of it. I’m doing no contact tough as it seems even if he asks to see the boys im going to ignore him, normally i engage then he’s back home and he upped and left last week with no explanation after coming back from a binge after we argued, so im not having that this time. I’m hoping by doing this it may help him deal with this by hitting rock bottom sometimes it’s what they need to change or they won’t. Were not together in my mind at the moment as it’s exhausting trying to help them if they don’t want to change which is something im trying to avoid. I just personally feel like it’s something i can’t help him with and we both need space to think and concentrate on ourselves at the moment. I totally understand how you feel it’s been so tough if I wasn’t pregnant and tired I’d cope a lot easier with kids housework etc he did cook when he was here so doing things when i can & trying not to push myself and kids are mucking in an helping too, but still not easy. It goes through my mind a lot too it’s normal but sad as it is I know he’s not worrying about me just when he can get that next line, i found coming on here today as helped get it all off my chest. I don’t have friends, my mum and sisters do not live nearby so good to have a safe place to vent & reconnect with others.

[amber04]

Yes it feels good to have let a bit out as I have no one to talk to. The only person I talk to about this is him.

When he’s off doing it in my head I tell myself that’s it I’m done he can move out. Then soon as I see him I’m like it’s fine we’ll work through it. I’m too soft.

I do feel like if I were to kick him out I’d have peace but at the moment I just can’t do it. O have told him though this will not be my life. I’m not spending the rest of my life feeling like this, life’s too short.

I’ve also told him the next time he has a bad come down where we end up having one of those discussions that makes out I’m a terrible person and he points out all my flaws and tells me it’s my fault then he’s gone and I mean that for sure 100%

Do you feel better now he’s not around? If he sorts himself out have you thought about what would happen with your relationship then?

[redfox20]

Sorry i do feel better without him here but at the same time it sucks our family is apart and im left to pick up the pieces. But feels good that im in control of my life now & not consumed by what he’s doing. Im struggling not knowing what he’s thinking or feeling though as we haven’t spoke, ive messaged he’s mum also she’s since ignored me so maybe she’s not happy she’s having to deal with it herself who knows.

[redfox20]

I feel exactly the same, like it was just our problem just me moaning about it to him we were both stuck in this spiral, he first admitted in lockdown that he needs help and tbh i was shocked and wasn’t sure what help would be available with this situation being as it was. Since then it’s got progressively worse since we found out we are pregnant again I think he’s scared he can’t be there for me and it’s more pressure to change. I’ve been a soft touch in the past as soon as I’ve seen him let him in the house begged him to stay and sort things, & he’s left to go to the pub ive felt such a fool after like all the power went to him. But this time because the seriousness of it all has truly dawned on me i know i need to put my foot down only way he will learn. It’s our sons bday soon and I know i will get a message saying can he come see him but im ignoring it he hasn’t been in touch since not one message or came round if he did i wouldn’t answer the door & tell him he needs to leave and i will talk/support him when he gets the help he needs and he will see kids when im comfortable and ready to talk to him. If he sorts himself out and we both want the same thing im open to it i still care about him but right now i want him well for himself and the Kids.

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