[takingiteasy]

Hello,

I am new here and just a few days ago I have realised that I am desperate to just tell someone how I feel. Local AA family support groups are temp closed and I think this may be the perfect place for me to tell my story. I am sorry if I seem to waffle or sound as though I may be feeling sorry for myself but I am truly desperate and know it is time to be honest with myself.

I met a woman around 4 years ago who was funny and very very caring. We moved in together and things started to go down hill. It began with accusations of me not caring or loving her, she always seemed to be irrational and I don’t know if I really knew or if I was genuinely blinded that she was drinking. I was cleaning the cupboards one day and found so many empty bottles that I couldn’t even tell you how many. Confronting her was hard and she told me she had stopped, I felt terrible for not believing her but I knew deep down she was still drinking. I wasn’t honest with myself enough to make any changes for myself and over time things got worse.

It came to the point that every time she was drinking I was being chased out of the house or had to lock myself in the bathroom and she would be trying to kick it down. Two years ago I spent the afternoon on Christmas day in a field because she chased me out of the house. Then on new years eve I had to involve the police and was taken away for my own safety and spent the night in a cell. Why I didn’t walk away ? I felt guilt and I felt it was my fault. The truth is I loved her and still do and I let things get worse. So much happened it would probably take me pages to explain but the more it happened the more worthless I felt, I started to believe her words when she was drinking. I distanced myself from friends and was not honest about what was going on, I protected her so much that I had forgot to protect myself.

Being a man, I feared people would blame me and her family most definitely did.

The more she and her family told me it was my fault the more I believed it.

The beginning of this year the verbal abuse had got so bad I felt this was going to be my life forever and I couldn’t do that. After a bad attack I took the car and slept in the car for a while…

I reached out to a helpline and I am now living in supported accommodation. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, severe anxiety and panic attacks. For 6 months I couldn’t eat properly, I was so paranoid and frightened of everything. Some days I would go in and out of panic attacks from morning to night. I haven’t been able to do any tasks really without support.

The past month I have been making changes and I will get there… she is still in my life to a degree and still drinking, but what I need to work on is my own worth and realise that I am important too. I hate the thought as if I am giving up on her and that’s a thought I aim to change. Thank you to anyone who reads this…I really needed to get this off my chest.

[lindyloo]

Hi takingit easy

I wanted you to know that you are being listened to. I am also new to the forum. These addictions are so cruel. Not only do they affect the user very badly and messes with their thought process but it has a terrible effect on family members and loved ones. I’ve read the other stories too, which are similar to mine, in that my adult son has alcohol and drug addictions. My husband and I are worn out with it all. It’s such a cycle and it’s exhausting for all involved. But at the end of the day they are making these choices, we really need to take care of ourselves. This can be difficult, as you feel you should be helping them. Take all the advice and support available do some meditation and practice mindfulness. It does help you to switch off a bit.

[takingiteasy]

Thank you so so much for your kind words and “I wanted you to know that you are being listened to” has brought tears to my eyes…Thank you so so much you don’t know how much I needed to hear that. I really do understand you both feeling worn out and you are so right about that cycle 🙁

[lindyloo]

You’re welcome, people do care you know! I’m lucky I have a couple of close friends who I confide in. I haven’t told my own family about my son, I know they would worry about me and my anxiety.

[takingiteasy]

It is definitely something I am learning to open up about it. I think it was something I needed to be honest with myself first.

And after reading your reply, I sat down and thought how hard it must be for you both when it’s your son.

I can’t even imagine your pain and anxiety has controlled my life the past 6-7 months.

Thank you so much for being open and so kind

[kel1]

Good afternoon,

Reading your story made me really sad, sad that someone can treat another human being so very very badly. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this pain for so long and I hope you can begin to heal now. Someone once told me “it’s not the wound that hurts the most, but the healing”. But heal we must.

I totally can relate to PTSD because I too suffer from this now. I agree with the other comment, addiction just absolutely destroys everything and everyone in it’s path! My now ex treated me so badly that when I think back I literally feel the pain in my chest! It’s such physical pain and so very traumatic. I’m eight months down the line and I’m still struggling to come to terms with how I was treated. I too was blamed which made things worse as I started to believe I was to blame. I had to heal from this also and still am working on it. The thing is there is so many layers to trauma, the treatment and all the rest of it that sometimes I don’t know where to start. I think that’s probably why I have PTSD because it all comes out in night terrors and panic.

You hold onto your self because you are worth it and you are enough and now you are safe. You keep healing and pushing forward and talking. Whatever gets you back to you. X

[takingiteasy]

Thank you so so much for your reply.

It is really hard to hear that, but yes she did treat me badly.

And such a perfect way to describe it “it’s not the wound that hurts the most, but the healing”. But heal we must.

The night times are the worst for me 2 but the morning especially after a bad attack I do feel lucky to be alive which is a huge improvement.

Addiction is so destructive and I often sat there and thought to myself why can’t she just stop but I know it isn’t that simple.

I am learning though that sometimes walking away is the kindest thing you can do for someone. It’s not right for every situation but I know for mine that it is.

and thank you so much for this “You hold onto your self because you are worth it and you are enough and now you are safe. You keep healing and pushing forward and talking. Whatever gets you back to you. X”

Both of your responses have me crying but not because you have upset me just because It’s nice to hear something positive about myself.

[kel1]

We’re all here for you and it’s good to connect with others that have shared experiences.

Addiction is so destructive you’ve got that right, I very nearly destroyed myself allowing the situation to continue for so long.

Night times are challenging and mornings used to be so bad for me, but over time it’s got less painful and easier to manage.

Walking away from anything that hurts you will be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

[lindyloo]

I am happy that Kel1 and I have been able to help you. It’s so difficult as you feel that you are alone and can’t talk about things for fear of being judged.

It’s comforting to know that there are many others out there who are in the same position. We can be here for each other and be strong too. Take each day as it comes and enjoy the little things that make you happy. Take care Lxx

[takingiteasy]

Thank you both for taking time out of your day to reply. I really do appreciate it 🙂

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