[elz]

Hey everyone. This is really hard to write. I’ve never done this and I struggle with severe anxiety so please be gentle.

I’m Elle, 30 and

I have been with my partner for 3 years now. Not long before getting together he developed a hefty heroin addiction. He was honest about it from the start but as a recent user was absolutely sure he would quit asap. At the start i said I would keep seeing him if he was serious about quitting. We fell deeply in love and i supported him through withdrawals, quitting and debt for too long before I started to understand how much this would impact my self worth and how hard life would be with this man.

About 6 months in i broke it off and we lasted a week a part. He then started on a methadone program but abused it and injected it and still used sometimes as well. He managed to get off that eventually and is now on a suboxone program which has been the most successful option. He lied to me about a relapse the other day and knowing the truth I felt broken. I guess I’m just wanting to talk to people that know what I’m going through and how my trust and boundaries have been so beaten down that i feel like a shadow. I don’t have the strength to put myself first or confident enough to leave. I want to trust him but i dont know how. Im so afraid of being taken advantage of but i know if he earned my trust there could be hope for us. I know i sound delusional or naive but I have a lifetime of family addiction issues and so i know people are more than an addict. Im just wondering how to keep my mental health ok if i cant leave at this point. I dont have any community or family anymore out of isolation, judgement etc..

Big rant i know. Thanks for the space to be heard.

[peacelove]

Hi, Elle,

Though I obviously don’t know you, I do believe you can build the strength you need to put yourself first, which is vital to your wellbeing! Do you have any hobbies/interests that you are pursuing? Have you searched for a local or online support group?

Being used like you’re some sort of drug and taken advantage of, is something a lot of people ,including myself can relate to. Feeling like you’re not even being recognized by the other person is another challenge of mental fortitude. It’s disheartening, to say the least.

I’m currently madly in love with someone who has for the most part gone quiet on me, and I don’t know why. It hurts to not know what’s going on, and worrying is something I’ve had to learn how to manage. That being said, she is the one who has to actually deal with the addiction as well as her mental health issues. All I can do is try to understand as much as possible why she’s handling things the way she is, et cetera, and be there when called upon.

You’re right that people are more than their addiction, and you also know that until someone is fully committed to getting clean, whatever that means for them, there’s not much anyone else can do. Hence we need to make sure we take care of ourselves.

I’ve been a listener for most of my life, and once had a boss tell me something that had happened to them as a young child, which no one in their family knew about. I’d be happy to lend you my ears, so to speak, for as long as you need.

Peace.

[Author]

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