[fitz1991]

Hi all,

Can anyone advise or relate to my situation regarding a partner in recovery. I’m a little desperate…

We have a long and exhausting history – known him near 10 years, and been on and off a few times during this time. But the absolute love of my life. He was always the one to leave – flighty af). Anyway, we’ve recently (2 months ago) got back together, and it’s already falling/ fallen apart.

He was JUST out of detox when he came back into my life and we decided to try again. He gave me the full history of his 7 year addiction (I didn’t realise he was an addict the times we were together before!). It’s ugly, but I accept him as he comes.  

We fell into it quickly, and it was loving (if not physical) but emotionally fulfilling. 3 weeks after he returned things fell off the deep end. We’re 2 months in now, and it’s just gradually declined. He makes very little effort really, and I feel emotionally and physically neglected. 

The more I push the more he pulls away, and our communication is appalling tbh. I haven’t seen him now for 2 weeks because I stopped making the effort (he literally lives down the road as well). He says I can’t hold his actions against him, or analyse why he does /doesn’t do things, or have soo many expectations of him (i mean, I would just like replies to my messages tbh). 

We’re at a real impasse now. Things got bitter earlier in the week and I’m now on day 4 without contact from him. 

He messaged me Friday night time with a hurtful message which basically made me out to be the enemy hurting his recovery, which is soo far from reality. He’s stonewalling me now, and I think that’s his way of telling me he’s done with us.

I’m desperate to salvage our relationship, but it is exhausting being the only one really in it; always waiting on him, him forgetting about me, and feeling more like his friend than partner. He wants to slow things down even more, but then we’d be at a full stop.

At the beginning he told me he couldn’t have done this without me, and that no one else would have taken him in without judgement or expectation, so it hurts now that he accesses me of trying to ruin his journey to sobriety 🙁

Am I being unreasonable with him soo early on in his recovery? Is this normal behaviour for a recovering addict? 

Side note: he also suffers ADHD, which adds a whole other level of complexity to the situation. That is not under control just yet. 

Please, if anyone can help. I just need to understand if I really am asking too much of him right now, because frankly it feels like he just can’t be asked.

Thanks to anyone who got to the end of this! x

[debc]

Hi Fitz1991,

Welcome to the forum. There is loads of people on here all in the same situation, and great to chat to.

My Son is in Recovery, he lives at home with me. He says that when you are in recovery you become selfish and they need to be able to focus on themselves, especially in the early stages of recovery, perhaps this is why you feel he is pulling away from you at the moment.

Just give him time and just let him know you are there for him if he needs you.

I hope this helps just a little bit, there are other people who are far more experienced than I am, but joining this forum has really helped me.

Take care

Dx

[fitz1991]

Hi Debc,

I really appreciate your reply, and it’s interesting to hear your son admit that recovering addicts are and have to be selfish at this time.

Unfortunately my partner broke things off last weekend – it was explicit but his last message was very hurtful and he has spoken to me since (a week now). I’m utterly heartbroken about it, and managing a lot of guilt about it.

I’ve not reached out since last Saturday, in the hope that if I give him enough space for a while, he might come back when he is ready… I hope he does.

I hope your sons recovery is going well – he is lucky to have such great support.

Good luck to you both x

[lindyloo]

Hi all

Fitz, welcome to the forum. Im so sorry to hear of your troubles. You’re in good company here as we all have a loved one with substance abuse addiction.

I hope you find the advice and support you need, either from others here, or the forum home page.

I wish you well.

Debc , just to say it’s been a good two weeks. Son is attending meetings again and spoken to sponsor. Fingers crossed ????

Hopefully you’re having a peaceful time too.

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

Great news, I am so pleased for you, and for your Son, long may it continue.

All good here, fingers crossed, day by day.

Take care

Dx

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