[jamesb]

I’ve really found talking to everyone on here helps my recovery as I’m putting my old life behind me.

Telling people the truths of what I did and things I know really makes me see how much better off I am staying clean as half the time I struggle to accept i did curtain things as now it’s so out of anything I’d dream of doing.

I’ve been someone I’m not proud of in the past and struggled with cocaine addiction for around 12 years. In that time I lost both my parents, an unborn child and had other greiviences and all of the negative effects that come with cocaine.

I managed in most, to function, I have a good career, and although I lost multiple jobs, always found another, I’ve provided for my partner, been a good loving boyfriend but also at the same time I have done all of the shameful things addicts do. I’ve lied, got into financial difficulties, kept things from my girlfriend and all the other things you can imagine so…

If you have any questions you would like to ask me from the perspective of a addict then please feel free to ask and I can hopefully help you understand situations you may be going through.

Obviously anything I was will be only from my personal experiences but I can give you answers to alot of things people don’t tend to talk about.

[redfox20]

Hey James, can i ask what happened that made you want to put the drugs down & recover?

[jamesb]

Hi mate, that’s a very hard question to answer. Because it’s both true to say I wanted to quit for years more than I wanted anything else but at the same time. I didn’t want to quit at all.

It all comes down to the split or. Dual personality an addict develops.

The addict in me wanted to just carry on as long as I was just getting by but the honest me knew I could have such a better life without it. The money I was spending the hurt I was causing the lack of sleep the knock on effect to my career etc.

I guess if I’m completely 100 honest I got the to the point where I lost so much I had nothing left to lose and the consequences outweighed the desire to carry on doing it enough for me to finally find the strength.

I must point out though I’m not cured. I’m recovering, I haven’t touched it for a while now and I have no intention too but I will still struggle with this battle daily for a long time.

I’m sorry that was a very brief reply but I will come back to you in more detail if you want me to tomorrow.

Hope you’re well,

James x

[boo]

Well done James and thank you for offering an addict’s perspective. I’m too afraid to ask my husband questions as he is verbally abusive, angry and volatile. Were you ever like that towards your partner or anyone else? I’m struggling to comprehend his behaviour and think it’s down to coke. However, he isn’t like that with anyone else but me so there must be an element of choice.

[navy]

Hi James

Hope your doing well

I’m hoping you can help me please. I thought I would find your post to ask you for guidance

You helped me previously with great advice now I need further help,

I spoke to my husband last week and told him I knew that he was still using, he was devastated that I was prepared to leave if he couldn’t find help, He said he was going to do detox as an out patient and also sent me the site which I read but doesn’t really show what happens on a day to day basis or what to do. This I suspect is once you join it.

I was wondering how you give this up and how you felt for the first week ?

also when you decided to give it up, did you remove all traces of the drug?

I’m asking as I know there is a clear bag that did have the drug in. There is a tiny bits in there!!

I’ve read about triggers too. Is this right?

He was not well for two days he slept and when he was awake he ate.

Day 3 he was fine until I came home from work and said he has anxiety and can’t breathe so needs to be on his own,

Day 4 was my day off I wanted to spend this day with him ( hoping to talk and discuss the detox and tell him how well he is doing) this didn’t happen he asked me to go out and leave him work as he needed the house to himself. I was hurt but didn’t show him as I thought he is struggling and I will help where I can but I had my suspicions.

Day 5 he was good again on the phone talking to me and discussing things but as soon as I was due home he would retreat to his room suffering with anxiety ( I think he is still using) I found tiny bit on the table but more in another room but this is where the clear bag is with tiny bit in so trying to convince myself it’s come from there 🙁

Can you help me please. Am I being Silly.

Did you want to be on your own or did you want to talk to someone share how you felt

Thank you very much and a big congratulations on getting through this and posting on here advice for loved ones.

Take care

Navy

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, I just want to say thank you for your kind words. The reason I try to post on here so much with advice is for 2 reasons. 1 because I know the extent that cocaine ruined my life and also to try and help partners of addicts understand that it doesn’t always mean that the user is a bad person because from my personal experience unfortunately my partner just put it down as I was trash and not the man I “pretended to be” when in fact I was really struggling to get through the days and wanted nothing more than to be able to escape the drug. So hearing that I can help others in any way really does make me feel in some way worthwhile again after many years feeling worthless.

So to get back to your questions.

Again everything I say is just my opinions or how things where for me so I can never say exactly what your partner would be feeling or doing…

When I decided to quit did I get rid of everything? I mean yes but obviously an addict or always trying to cover their tracks anyway. My Mrs used to go through my wallet when I was asleep and find a wrap or a baggy every now and then. That was when I slipped up and forgot it was there. For every 1 she found I got rid of 20. So really there wasn’t much to get rid of but I certainly wouldnt of had empty baggies laying around that I knew of.

How did I feel when I came off it, that’s a tough one to answer because it must be different for everyone. I guess it has alot to do with why you are and the situation at the time. I had many previous attempts I won’t lie some lasted 1 week or others 1 month or 3 months but when I managed to stop was when my Mrs left me and I knew this time was for good. She outed me on her social media (we are both normally very private people) and told the world that I was a cocaine addict. So I was dealing with embarrassment, sadness of losing her, guilt and alsorts of feelings but what I found most strange is that despite all of that going on, after around a week I started feeling really good. I hadn’t been longer than 48 hours without a line in around 18 months prior to when I actually stopped and I couldn’t believe just how good i felt, happy, energetic, waking up feeling refreshed. Now it’s important to factor in that my body was probably grateful for a break and also the feelings of guilt, embarrassment etc probably kept the cravings at bay because I would normally be craving cocaine if missed even just one day of doing it but this time it wasn’t the case. I also think that a big part was I genuinely this time meant it. Other times I told myself I will stop because I had been caught or I had blown months wages in a weekend but it was never really that I wanted it quit, more that I should. This the however, I didn’t struggle with cravings for around 2 weeks which was the longest my body had been without it for such a long time that it allowed the natural endorphins to kick in and contribute.

Triggers, now I know triggers are real. But for a cocaine addict, and I mean like alot of us ended up like, it’s not worth calling anything a trigger because everything would be. That being said of course alcohol will always make a cocaine addict crave cocaine. Most recovering cocaine addicts have to accept they will not drink either as the 2 go hand in hand.

Me myself I would never even consider having a drink unless I had cocaine too. I wouldn’t enjoy being drunk, I would hate it but the 2 combined are the best feeling in the world.

The wanting you to keep your distance thing. This is the big one really isn’t it and please do not act on my opinion because I can’t speak on his behalf just my own experience.

When sober, all I would want is affection from my partner, I would feel guilty for my previous actions and what to show her I’m sorry, I would crave forgiveness and want cuddles etc even though at the time she would have been fuming.

Avoiding her was only ever for one reason. Because I was on it. Some times I’d be able to work from home, I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.

There would be times she insisted I waited for her to come home to help her in with shopping or something and I’d make a huge deal out of it like my boss was going to sack me if I wasn’t at the imaginary job in 30 mins because I couldn’t let her see me as it would have been obvious.

I look back at all of these things and can not believe how bad I treated her due to my addiction because I loved her more than I knew was possible to move another human being and when I was sober I showed her that.

But this is the whole reason we are all here right? Because it really does destroy a person’s soul and turn them into a shadow of who they are.

Im not saying that he isn’t feeling anxious or that he isn’t going to struggle but cocaine addiction is such a reclusive thing that most of the time when coming off and genuinely making progress most people want to sing from the rooftops and tell everyone how well they are doing which is why people enjoy CA meetings so much.

I hope this helps in some way and please ask anything else you might want to know

Take care

James x

[navy]

Hi James

Thank you so much for coming back to me you are really helping me cope with this.

I’ve read and re-read your post.

Your insight has really opened my eyes

I don’t believe he has given up. I think it’s going to take me leaving him as again I know he had taken as I’ve got home and there is white powder on the unit I can’t believe it. (I feel sick) I also found a lump of it on the floor!!!

I think he only said he was going to get help because I threaten to leave him which is what you went through until she actually done it.

We are going out with friends tomorrow and I’m so scared that he is going to be on it. I’m very good at hiding my feelings so I can keep this until the weekend and sit him down to talk too.

I’ve turned into a the woman I don’t want to be I don’t trust him it’s killing me. I love him but can’t keep doing this. He has to want to do this for himself not because of me leaving him.

I want to wish you well and thank you so much for your insight of what happened to you and how you got through this. I wish you well for the future and keep doing what your doing you are an amazing guy and you should be so proud of yourself.

Thank you again

Navy xx

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, thank you for your kind words. It’s so bitter sweet reading what you said because the only way I have gained knowledge on this and am able to give the insight to people like yourself about what cocaine addiction is really like is because I was at one point the person that most of you who post come on here to vent about.

I’m not proud of my actions and the effect it’s had on my life is unmeasurable, and I would give anything to be able to fix the damage I have caused but knowing that in some way I can help others at least makes it in some way worth it. I always wish and you’re a prime example, that

I could just say right, take my number tell your partner to call me and I’ll tell him exactly what’s going to happen to him if he doesn’t sort it out because I’m pretty sure he won’t won’t to end up like me.

I turned the woman I love into someone who she was not, she’s paranoid, controlling, aggressive and who was once a outgoing loving person is now emotionless and numb all due to the pain I put her through with my addiction and the constant lies and manipulation.

Furthermore, I’m now sober, trustworthy and would do anything to have my family back but its too late and she will never be able to forgive meaning that at best I see my little only at weekends and I have to face that I am missing so much of her growing up.

Please try your best to stay true to who you are and know that regardless of pressure you put on him, he will only make the changes when he is ready. I hope your both of your sakes that is sooner than it was for me. Maybe ask him to ready through some of the forum posts so he can see how lucky he is to have someone who still is willing to try and love him.

Sorry to rant, tough week.

Stay strong

James x

[navy]

Morning James

Thank you, your helping so many people on this forum, I wish the outcome was different and you had your family back, but your here. Your sober, Your doing good and you get to see your little one growing up ok only on weekends but this is good, you get to see her, make these days special and your daughters love will always be there for you.

Your kind thoughts and wanting to be there for others is amazing. I just wish my husband could see what he is doing. He did however stay and talk to me tonight only for an hour. He then complained his stomach was bad and needed to lay down, he has been up & down all night to the bathroom!!!!!!!

I know the first sign of a comedown is tiredness and grazing the following day after been on it, then comes the moodiness and agitation. I don’t think he was strong enough for the cravings of it. Do you need to have a hobby or interest to keep your mind busy.

Do you need to take it the same time of day/night

I read it only last about an hour [the high] is this right?

do you know what you are doing when on it?

Do you remember the things you do when high?

If you don’t mind me asking how long have you been sober now?

Keep doing what you are doing I’m so proud of you and I don’t know you, and remember your amazing, you can rant anytime. Hope you have a great weekend with your daughter, do something exciting and have ice cream, sorry don’t know how old she is.

Take care, stay strong.

Navy xx

[debc]

Hi James,

What is your view of enabling? My son I suppose cons me, I do say

No, but sometimes give in so he will get off my case.

What do you think I should do?

[laviniar]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for offering to share your experiences on here.

I have been with my partner for 3 years and I found out he was addicted to cocaine a year ago. I only found out because my mum told me he had sent her sexual and pornographic messages and when I confronted him he admitted he was addicted and blamed the cocaine (and alcohol) use because at the time he thought it was funny. I was devastated and humiliated and it has made my relationship with my mum really uncomfortable too. I still can’t understand how a drug could make him think it would be funny to do something like that and how he could do it to me. It’s made me paranoid that he has some perverted interest in my mum too. I know everyone acts differently using cocaine but could it ever explain him doing something like that?

When I confronted him and said I was leaving him, he broke down, begged me to stay and told me he was suicidal and wanted help. I love him and I want to help him so I stayed, hoping that things would change and over the last year there have been some positive changes. He was struggling with alcoholism and has now almost given up drinking altogether and he says his cocaine use is much less than it was. He has given up smoking and also joined a gym and he is having a much healthier life style and diet. But I know he still relapses and uses cocaine (as recently as Friday night). He says that it’s months since the last time, but I can’t believe anything he says now and I never know whether it’s the truth or just another lie.

I know some people will think I should have left him last year when I found out about the messages he sent to my mum and I wanted to. But I do love him and the thought of not being with him breaks my heart. We have two children together (both from previous relationships) and they have developed a bond and become a family. I don’t want to tear their lives apart either.

After the last argument on Friday night when he came home at 4 in the morning after going from the pub to “a randoms” house to continue drinking and using, he said he will go to counselling when I said I was leaving. He says he hates his life and the control cocaine has over it and he wants to stop but he doesn’t know how. He said it needs to be couples counselling as he will just lie to them otherwise if he goes on his own. Last year he started seeing a counsellor but would just tell them that everything was fine and he eventually stopped going. Do you think it could help at all if we go together?

I guess I am just trying to work out whether there is any hope for us and our family or if I’m just deluding myself over and over again because I don’t want to lose him and our family?

Thank you so much,

Lavinia x

[bellapop]

This is amazing!! James you are absolutely awesome!! I’m really sorry to read everything that you have been through but you must be so so proud of yourself for your outlook now.

My husband is very much in denial, I have caught him out more times than I can write.. but I am coming to you for advice with a heavy heart. He’s left me… I found a text on his phone asking for some on Friday night.. I found it… cried!! And cried and cried. He’s turned around to me just today and said it’s not working and it’s the marriage that’s the problem… not the drug taking, the betrayal, the lies???. But the marriage?? He’s toddled off to his mums and left me and his three children… no second thought apart from he’s better off without me.

I’m absolutely destroyed!! I have genuinely never done anything but love that man, I’ve given him 12 years of my life and he’s just gone? Our marriage hasn’t been perfect but it’s pretty damn close to it!! From the outside we are the picture perfect family, two amazing careers, beautiful home, 3 fantastic children and a dog!! How can he leave all of this??? The worst part.. how can he leave all this and make me out to be the problem. He’s actually happy he’s left!! What the ….. !!!!

Im sorry if this is all jumbled and doesn’t make sense, my brain is absolutely mush!!

[just]

Hi there can you please help me get rid of cocaine out of my life

[thistim3]

‘I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.’
Hi James: Hours and hours in yor car sniffing and drinking. What were you drinking and did you ever pick up anybody else and have them in the car with you while you were using in your car? Were you also falling asleep in your car while using? How far from your home were you while using in your car? Did you normally return to the same spot for this? Where did you hide your gear in the car? My addict also used in the car.

[jamesb]

Hi Tim, how are you doing? Cor you’ve reached back a bit to get to this one mate.

I’ll answer all of your questions gladly of course but I do want to tell you (and we have spoken a few times on here before so I feel more comfortable to be more direct so sorry if this this comes across wrong). What is your reasons truthfully for asking me those such specific questions? You said your addict used in a car also, so it that you’re trying to build a picture of what they was getting up to? Is it that you have assumptions yourself that for example they had other people in the car and if I was to tell you I did, it would in a way confirm to yourself your suspensions where correct?

 

The reason I ask is because theres no way of knowing such specific details without the person you’re referring to opens up and tells your their honest truth. You’ve been an active member on here for a while so it says to me that the problems cocaine caused to your relationship aren’t new.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to uncover all the small details of what really happend if you let it. Something that may be so significant to you to know may infact be something that the addicted person you are asking took no notice of and didn’t seem significant.

What I’m trying to say is, what is important is the journey you’re on now. You can’t change what has happened in the past. all you can do is work towards a better tomorrow wether that is with or without your partner and I hope that eventually you find some peace.

 

 

To answer the questions….

I didn’t really drink alcohol at that point. Mainly because you can’t hide being drunk. Its very obvious. I found that I drank alot of fizzy drinks. Dr Pepper, coke etc, things like oasis or non fizzy didn’t quite for some reason seem to appeal to me when sniffing.

I never picked people up, it was a very personal thing my addiction and I wouldn’t want anyone to know what I was doing. Equally, who is going to want to just sit on my car with me sober but sniffing being paranoid.

I often did fall asleep in my car, when I had been out all night and felt I couldn’t go home I’d park up in a layby or a carpark.

How far from home I can’t really answer as there was no fixed thing. sometimes I’d be at the Tesco just 5 mins down the road, others I’d be close to the job I had to do the next day in a layby on the motorway or on a near by service station.

I definitely did have certain “spots” I returned to. Places I felt more safe and less likely to be caught than others.

I never had to hide my gear in the car as realistically I’d sniff everything I had before i eventually went home. But if I did it was normal inside wrap inside a box in side another box inside my tool bag for example so you’d have to go through multiple layers to find it or For example inside a box of screws that was in a box full of boxes of screws.

 

I hope this helps in some way and feel free to ask anything else you may want to know.

 

Stay strong and good to hear from you

 

James x

[thistim3]

Thanks, James:

Hopefully you’re doing great.  I appreciate that you answered my questions.  Curious now if you ever told your love the whole story of your addiction to coke.  From the very beginning of it – through to now.  Everything that happened with it.  All of it.  If you haven’t and she wanted to know – would you tell it to her?  If you are not together with her now, but telling her everything – she would come back to you. Would you tell her your complete story?  All.  The entire truth?

[jamesb]

Another thread that may help some recently posted questions

 

Hope this helps

 

James x

[navy]

Hi James

can you help me, my partner says he wants to give up this awful drug, (we have gone thorough this a couple of times) I’ve told him this is the last time my health or heart can’t take anymore. He says he is on a site who are helping but they says not to tell me.

I’m the type of person who needs to know what is going on so I can understand and help not hinder, otherwise my mind will wander to what they saying am I helping by keeping quiet and not responding to his outburst of hurt. they said He needs to do this himself, he has to take a day at a time. Which I totally understand, however when you have made a commitment shouldn’t you at least try not take it.

I want to tell him that I know he used recently but don’t know how without sounding  hurtful or judgmental.  I’m really trying to understand his situation but if he still using to get through a day then I don’t think he will ever give up. It’s going to be a vicious cycle. He will always be going back to the start. (If he is an actually getting help) .sorry.

I’ve been trying for over 2 1/2 years now when is it time to give up trying to save him.? I’m exhausted and I know my health is suffering, I’m hiding things from everyone I love and that’s all I want to do is scream. I’m trying to get on with my life but when you get invited out as a couple and only one turn up I feel as if I don’t have a partner and I have to make excuses for him. I now make excuses for us both so I don’t have to watch the pity in peoples eyes.

My questions are:-

how long  was you an addict for and did you have any issues with anxiety, depression or breathing?
How did you overcome these.

When you first give up how did you feel how did you cope with cravings, feelings, work.

Did you use professionals or go it alone,

how long was it before the cravings started and how did you cope.

Did you explain to your other half how the process was going work and what you had to do.

did you go to meetings in person or online and share this with your partner

I’ve heard that this drug makes you lie to your other half even when that’s all we are doing is trying to help and be supportive and you lie, you avoid you say your having a bad day, need to get out for some fresh air and won’t be long, you need time to process the difficulties of the day and be better tomorrow and leave the house before you get home from work.

What about what day we have had, how much of a bad day we have had and need to talk for support and it’s never there.

Sorry for the outburst, I am angry, confused and upset.

Thank you

navy

[layla]

hi james. I’m finding navigating this slightly daunting. 6 days into with Diane all over the place. Could you please reply so I know I’m actually on here . don’t know if this is a very active place to post anymore but thought I would try. Thanks.

[danielJ22]

Hi James, late to the party here but picked up your thread on a search and everything you’ve shared about your experiences mirrors that of mine and I’m now looking to start attending CA meetings starting this weekend. Would be good to hear any tips/insights that may help keep me on the journey, one day at a time ????????

[abcdef]

Good afternoon, this is the first time I have ever done anything like this.

my now ex of 3 years is a cocaine addict. We broke up a week ago.
he has many times where he will be sober for for a period of time and then he relapses. I try to be there for him offer help and support as I realise it’s a disease. Looked up local support groups and help centres but he had no interest.

This time tho he has ended the relationship. Obviously there is a lot more to it and it’s not that cut and dry but I can’t help but worry about him.
prior to the break up he admitted he was an addict that he hated himself and the way his life has turned out and he hate this vicious cycle he is in.

We are not in contact any more the last time we had contact was when he took cocaine and ended up in hospital I was there like a shot to support him out of love care and worry. However I have read a lot of these forums and other help one and it seems like me sticking around would be enabling him.

I am not really sure what my question is, but I feel stress and anxious and have no one I can talk to or rant about this too and it is slowly killing me day by day.

[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>abcdef –  As difficult as it all IS, this is here with all of us. Which shows that we are all struggling our way through.  Looking back on the years that my addict husband was using coke scares me so much – even now.  It made him mentally ill.  After about 5 years, I finally knew what was happening.  He quit right then.  I never could have guessed that he was on this vile stuff, and it still surprises me.  I know now that I would have been safer if I would have gotten away from him during those years.  You can’t save him.  He has to do that. There is somethings that are beyond our control and we just have to accept that.. When we do, we are free again.  Free to be ourselves.  Free to live our lives the way we want.</p>

[Lmnop]

Hi James,

I hope you’re well. I resonate so much with a lot of what you’ve said, but as the addicts partner. I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years now since I was 18 and we have a 5 year old child together.

Around a month ago I found out he has been using ‘every couple of days’. He’d never been a big drinker or even went out a lot. There was a lot of stuff that lead to this I think (mental health and I think some childhood trauma etc). But anyway there were a few times I’d found empty bags etc. He lied to me for months (around 6) I questioned him time and time again if he had an issue. But obviously the answer was no.

Was multiple times and last time was only a week ago that he will stay out in the car all night long sniffing shit and won’t come home until the next day. (He also avoided me as much as he possibly could for all those months when I didn’t know). Anyway it all came to a head when he had drug induced psychosis, hearing voices seeing things. And he eventually admitted it to me around a month ago. He’s still getting these, thinks im in the house when I’m not etc.

he went to his first CA meeting last Monday, felt super positive. Then he had a day off on the Thursday and I was at work, and he did coke again in the middle of the day. Hasn’t been to another since. Said he wants to but I just feel like I’m not getting anything from him.

I was so so in love with him and I still am don’t get me wrong, just not this version of him. I feel like I’m treading on egg shells constantly trying not to upset him or cause an argument. He’s a shell of himself. He had a week not on it and I felt like I was getting him back and then its just the same thing over and over. I feel like I’m living with a stranger. I’m such a happy go lucky person. I feel like what if nothing ever changes? I don’t even know why im posting on here really or even if im trying to ask anything.

I feel like I’m trying to hold everything together for everyone. Our son especially. And im losing myself in the process. Im terrified he’s going to do it and die or kill himself after using. Also scared to say enough is enough I can’t do this until you sort yourself out as he’s not told any of his family, he has no where else to go im terrified he’d end up on the streets even worse.

I want to be with him, just not this version. But has too much been done, will I never get him back? I don’t even know. As someone who’s never touched a drug in their life and doesn’t even really drink, I just don’t get why we aren’t enough for him to stop.

Thanks so much for listening x

[thistim3]

Lmnop:  He told me years later that I gave him an ultimatum. Either he quit using coke or we were done and I would figure out a way to get myself and our children away from him.  I remember feeling that – but, I don’t remember saying it.  I was devastated by his truth that he had been using coke.  I felt all that you have mentioned.  He also had these behaviors. He avoided me, didn’t want to talk to me, look at me, be with me – at all.  He took off in our only car and was gone all the time.  When he finally gave me that information – I went to his parents and told them.  He was really mad about that, but too bad.  If my son was trying to kill himself, I would want to know about it.  What if he would have killed himself and they didn’t even get a chance to talk to him about it if they wanted to do that?  Keeping his secret wasn’t helping him. It enabled him.  We were about the ages that you are now.  That was about 35 years ago.  He quit that day.  He has only used it twice since then.  About 6 months later and again about 5 years ago.  He did not relapse.  But, there is always and still a chance that could happen.

[BLena]

Hi James

It is refreshing to hear views of a recovering addict and I think that having to overcome hard ships in life can give you a greater understanding about yourself and others and a tolerance of others difficulties.

I’m trying to understand the hardships and road to recovery that my boyfriend is going through – he’s used Crack for about 15 years and is now 60 years old.

My compassion, positivity, love and non judgment gave him the confidence to open up and admit his crack cocaine addiction.

9 months now and the journey is harder for us both than I realised. I’m piecing together how the drug works, because as a person who does no drink, no smoke and loves the outdoors, it is quite a revelation.

– I have never seen aggression towards me and he says other users in the Crack house are noisy and shout a lot. Even with a job he has little money due to the Crack, but doesn’t ask me for money. Will these behaviours change in time ?

– He can quit smoking and drinking for 3 weeks afterwards and not have urges for Crack, but then it happens on week 4. He says it isn’t even an urge. He starts drinking and smoking again and then out of the blue a voice tempts him to get a fix. Why is he not getting the cravings in the 3 weeks before ?

– He believes that there is some dark spell that got him into this and he has a weak mind and easily tempted and there is something malevolent that is sensing I am good for him and wants to push me away as it is scared I will stop his addiction. He says he needs to master this and will try the 12 steps but doesn’t believe 12 steps will help. What is your thoughts on this please ?

– what is he doing for 4 night in a Crack House ? He says he used to be desperate to get home from London and return the same night. He has been going more recently to Reading and says he is ashamed to come back incase I am waiting at his house. This time I have said when he doesn’t contact me I won’t come round. It seems he has still stayed away for 4 nights. It keeps going round and round in my head that he must be having sex with someone, but he says it is not like that in these places. What are the Crack houses actually like. He says noisy, filthy, chaotic.

– sorry but again with the sex…….he is very affectionate and wants to cuddle and hold me as soon as I come round after he comes back from his Crack spree. He is also like this at other times. Yet, he says he feels dirty inside and out. He also is disinterested in sex for 2 weeks afterwards, but there is still intimacy and a deep emotional connection with us. He says his sex drive is going, and it hasn’t been a problem in the past.  When his sex drive returns he is concerned about being too adventurous, as he doesn’t know where this could lead. He used to use Crack and pick up women for sex and has had other girl friends using drugs. To be blunt now, his sex drive and what he got up to with me was through the roof on two occasions – once after coming back to me from taking Crack and second time after having a lot of drink. This drinking episode was was last week. He would, I expect have gone out and taken crack after drinking but he had made family arrangements the next day, so instead waited for me to come round. The next night, he had a lot to drink but did go out and I haven’t seen him since. This is why I am concerned that when he goes out to take crack after drinking, his sexual urges will cause him to seek sex. Cocaine is after all known as the party drug, but I also know that with prolonged use it can cause erectile dysfunction. I also wonder if the reason he feels shame and guilt and doesn’t want to come home Incase I am at his house is that I would know he has been with someone. Have I got reason for concerns that he is being unfaithful ?

 

– I hope to be putting the above to him when I hope he has retuned tomorrow and if it is happening then I will walk away. If not there is the question of building our relationship. We have spoken about so much we plan to do, but he lets me down, is short of money, and really can’t be relied upon. I don’t want him to lose faith in that he can stop his crack but I can’t let him sink me. I think I know the answer, but should I resist getting entangled more- that is him moving into mine, going traveling together, buying something to do up together ?
He struggles to hold down a job, we are on this merry go round of crack, he is going to be taking out loans. We are both going to be in a situation soon that we have to decide whether we move in together.

I appreciate any enlightenment James. I know everyone’s journey is individual but maybe your experience can support my next steps.

Best wishes in your future and stay clean and enjoy your life. I enjoy the highs of the mountains, the music that I dance to, and the comedy that makes me laugh. There are plenty of endorphins whizzing around to grab.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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