[jamesb]

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing okay on your journeys.

I haven’t posted on here in a while, some of you may remember me. Few reasons, for a start I dont know if anyone else has the same issue but the site seemed to updated and it just isn’t as user friendly anymore in my opinion but selecting “desktop site” ony phone makes it more like it used to be. And the main reason is, I’ve been trying to figure myself out.

I’ve always found myself give be able to give advise to people and have the ability to look at things from a third party view and be fair to both sides and it gave me a huge sense of purpose when some of you guys would thank me for my insight but the whole time I was struggling to take my own advice. Maybe what I was typing was aimed at myself or when talking to partners of addicts I was suggesting they approach the situation the way I wish my partner did but either way I decided to try focus on my own life before trying to tell other about theirs.

For the most of it I’m doing really well. I won’t lie I still use, nothing like I did before, I keep it to the weekend and I’m very conscious of the amount. It hasn’t effect my work or seeing my daughter who I get to see every Saturday now but I’m feeling positive and making steps in the right direction.

 

Ive been reading alot of the posts and I just wanted to give a gentle reminder that these guys who are addicts in alot of cases aren’t bad guys. They where good people before this disease gripped them and I promise you most addicts crave a way out but it is so much harder than just stopping.

By no means am I suggesting anyone allows themselves to be treated wrong or unfairly in a relationship but it’s approaching Christmas and a time myself as an addict always struggle with.

Before.you give up on someone, please be open and honest with them, explain to them that you can’t allow yourself to continue to be in a relationship with an addict, explain that you love them for who they are but not the addict part of them.

Give love and understanding and be patient and believe me you could save someone’s life.

 

Addicts aren’t bad people, they suffer a mental illness that highjacks their entire being and fights daily to control their actions. For anyone to beat and overcome this illness they need love and support.

 

Please read back some of my older posts I have addressed alot of the issues currently being discussed and please feel free to ask me anything you may need to know. If there’s setting you’re going through, chances are I’ve been there too.

 

Stay strong everyone and I’m sending love and support to you all

 

James x

 

[kulstar]

Hi JamesB

Good to hear from you. You’re right, addicts aren’t bad people, there’s a great person inside just wanting to break free from the shackles of their addiction of choice. You mention Xmas being a difficult time, I am by no means underplaying your struggle when I say what I’m going to say. This is the first Xmas I am genuinely excited for as I feel liberated. I am no longer thinking of the days between Xmas and New Years as a week to get off my face. It will be a time to cherish, admire and be grateful for all that I have.

I guess my change has been about embracing a new way of life and carrying no baggage of what life used to be like. I don’t recognise how I could ever go back there (you always have to take one day at a time however to keep yourself in check). Don’t get me wrong, just because I say I don’t recognise it does it mean it isn’t still there, the scars of yday prepare me for a better tomorrow. If I carried on the way I was going this would have truly been utterly devestating with no end game but the inevitable (alone, depressed and potentially death) to occur.

All of the above has been due to a complete change in my DNA.What are my guiding principles and values – what line (pardon the pun) cannot be crossed? What do I stand for in this world? Do I portray the best version of myself? If not then what I can do to change this?

Where we take a slightly different view is there’s only so much love and support you can provide. Addicts have to suffer the consequences of their selfish actions. They maybe ill but they cannot hide behind this forever. There comes a point where Tough Love has to come into its own. I see so many seemingly loving individuals on this site who just want their partner back. This breaks my heart. But no, the addict continously numbs their emotions rather than facing the world. Once it starts to take its toll on innocent individuals who didn’t sign up for the long term struggle is where I lose a certain degree of compassion for the addict. My wife put up with it for far too long. My kids weren’t really directly effected as I still functioned but they weren’t getting the best of me.

Addicts are given chance after chance yet they fall back because inbetween periods of them being clean they still can’t work on themselves. With each chance the mental degradation of the loved one is increased as it’s filled with hope, fear and a known unknown. If you don’t work on yourself the perils of addiction will get you. It all comes down to how much do you want it?

As addicts JamesB we’d have done all the inconceivable things known to man out of our own selfishness. We have to take responsibility for this and decide if this is what we want to do continously or are we better than this?

Love bro

[jinn54]

Hi guys

good to hear you are all doing well,

well my partner has not stopped sniffing cocaine and drinking alcohol at least 4/5 times a week. He can go on for hours and roll on to the next day then he sleeps in all day and night and wakes up feeling like crap.

 

we get in to soo many arguments and his attitude and mood swings then next day are too much for me to handle so i lash out.

I can’t give him love and support anymore .

 

it hurts me to see him like this . He has lost a-lot of weight and his eyes have dark circles. He has poor hygiene and has no interest in life.

he blames for everything in his life and I’ve now decided to walk away from his drama’s and move on.

 

i met a nice guy and im thinking of starting a new relationship but then i still love my addict partner he is also the father of my baby.

what support can i give him?

[kulstar]

Hi Jinn54

Until he starts to take responsibility for his actions then there isn’t much you can do. You can only paint a picture (the carrot) of how life could be and it’s up to him whether or not he wants this picture to become reality. I had a vision going back over 2 years ago (before I stopped) of how life could be yet I found the pull of cocaine too strong and continued on this path until it was nearly too late.

This is where the stick came into it. My wifey had had enough and it appeared so had I. I’d had enough of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the lying, the manipulation, the sneaking around.

Now in terms of the support this has to come with love and compassion to begin with but addicts will often misuse this to their own selfish advantage to carry on using. If they go on this path then the stick is the only option you’re left with. It’s up to them to see how badly they want to change.

[stephie86]

Hey. Just some questions, as I’m in a similar boat and met someone new, but can’t help still love my addicted ex. Of course her life has got so much better since I’ve left her, as same I was the problem.

how are you finding being with someone else? I struggle with how calm it is and then wonder if I actually feel anything for this person. I feel a bit numb still I guess, just wondered how it was for you

i also noticed you said you’ve e entered sever depression due to his addiction. I also did and felt I couldn’t trust my own decisions or thoughts due to being convinced what I was think f was so wrong (when actually I was mainly right)

how has it been for you? Xx

[loulou03]

Hi guys

ive read your previous posts and even told my partner about you both. We are struggling as a family, my partner for years has been drinking 3-4 times a week until the early hours and it’s only been the last few months I have discovered taking coke during that time too, I always wondered how he doesn’t pass out on these sessions he has when we are all in bed and he stays up on his own, anyway, I found my answer when I went through his things one day and found empty bags and even his actual stash hidden somewhere that I needed step ladders for. So long story short and lots of incidents later, since then he has opened up and said for years he’s been spending around 200 a month on coke, I would say match that with booze too… (he denied this conversation took place a few days after, typical of the odd behaviour I’m dealing with) he does have a good job and has been managing like this prior to me meeting him. He sees a counsellor now, private as didn’t want the NHS having record of this, hes lost his driver’s licence due to failing to provide already and sometimes I hear him on the phone to work after a sesh and it makes me cringe as its just so obvious sometimes. Lately he has been much better (this past month) maybe a sesh once, twice a week in the week sometimes, he is the boss so manages his own diary and can spend a full day hungover doing bare minimum. Just to add we have two small children, well 9month old and 9 year old. The 9 year old has witnessed some awful arguments and even where it’s got physical. I’ve been supporting him but found his stash again last night before our anniversary meal. That ruined the night again, he told me he didn’t know it was there, anyway ive told him I want a break. I just want honesty!! If that wasn’t there we would be so happy. I struggle to let go of the past too, I mean his eyes say it all sometimes and he’s done some awful things for example turned up to the hospital the day after our son was born and because I was induced and our baby was smaller than average I had to stay over night. He turned up bloodshot eyes and bags and fell asleep on my bed in the hospital , even though I felt like I’d been hit by a train I had to try and get comfortable on there somehow. Many story’s like this…. I just can’t let go. I have been speaking to a lady from the Icarus project, I thought this might help me let go, so far it’s not helping now he’s admitted everything and trying I’m taking the opportunity to tell him exactly what he’s put me through and I think I’m punishing him too much. I need to let go!!

[eddie123]

 

<span style=”caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;”>Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[kulstar]

<p class=”MsoNormal”>Hi Loulou03</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Bless you, its nice hearing that these posts do provide insight and are shared elsewhere (sole purpose of doing this for me). He won’t pass out due to the cocaine, I could drink copious amounts of whiskey and wine (lager was just too weak!) while on it and wouldn’t pass out. When I wanted to pass out I’d stop the coke and just drink for 3/4 hours (what a mad existence).</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Good that’s seeing a counsellor. I completely understand the talking on the phone, my wifey would always say I sounded different and I never quite got what she meant but looking back now it was so obvious. Maybe it was / wasn’t obvious to the person on the other end of the phone but cocaine makes you believe you have super powers. Session by night and operate as normal by day. I’m also in a relatively privileged position at work whereby I could do the bare minimum and it would go unnoticed.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Careful of the impact this has on your 9 year old, my daughter was 9 however luckily things remained relatively calm at home. I created this facade around me (citing mental health, even kidded the Doctors to give me anti-depressants) which excused some of my odd behaviour.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>An addict will always know where his stash is so don’t really buy the don’t it was there explanation, he’s just sorry he got caught. I hear your pain around certain examples where he’s been under the influence, it just becomes the normal go to. I was taking it everywhere (even virtually in plain sight in a playground, I hid behind the bushes and took a line while the kids played) and you lose all sense of normality.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted everything is a good sign. By admission he recognises he has a problem and you can only fix something by knowing it’s broken. Now will be the real test, what will he do with this incredibly powerful step?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You have nothing to think of in regards to how you are towards him. He’s betrayed you and destroyed your trust. It’s up to HIM to fix this. With my admission I know it was for me make amends. He has to do this for himself without thinking of others around him, this will provide everlasting change because he’s done it for himself and no one else. The only thing you can really do is take each day at a time. This will take days, weeks and months. Citing my timeline it took my wifey a month or so to believe I was changing. She had doubts and probably there is still a very little part of her that thinks this may come crashing down but this voice is drowned out constantly, with my / our existence now.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
 
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted – I can’t underline how powerful a step this is and letting go at this juncture may not be the best timing. If my wifey let go when I came out then we wouldn’t be experiencing the love and happiness we have now. Life when charted should show a positive upward trend and there will be blips along the way however if these blips are relatively short then the growth that can come out of these negative experiences really is offset (plus some) with the positivity that can come out it.</p>
 

Stay Blessed

 

[kulstar]

<p class=”MsoNormal”>Hi Loulou03</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Bless you, its nice hearing that these posts do provide insight and are shared elsewhere (sole purpose of doing this for me). He won’t pass out due to the cocaine, I could drink copious amounts of whiskey and wine (lager was just too weak!) while on it and wouldn’t pass out. When I wanted to pass out I’d stop the coke and just drink for 3/4 hours (what a mad existence).</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Good that’s seeing a counsellor. I completely understand the talking on the phone, my wifey would always say I sounded different and I never quite got what she meant but looking back now it was so obvious. Maybe it was / wasn’t obvious to the person on the other end of the phone but cocaine makes you believe you have super powers. Session by night and operate as normal by day. I’m also in a relatively privileged position at work whereby I could do the bare minimum and it would go unnoticed.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Careful of the impact this has on your 9 year old, my daughter was 9 however luckily things remained relatively calm at home. I created this facade around me (citing mental health, even kidded the Doctors to give me anti-depressants) which excused some of my odd behaviour.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>An addict will always know where his stash is so don’t really buy the don’t it was there explanation, he’s just sorry he got caught. I hear your pain around certain examples where he’s been under the influence, it just becomes the normal go to. I was taking it everywhere (even virtually in plain sight in a playground, I hid behind the bushes and took a line while the kids played) and you lose all sense of normality.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted everything is a good sign. By admission he recognises he has a problem and you can only fix something by knowing it’s broken. Now will be the real test, what will he do with this incredibly powerful step?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You have nothing to think of in regards to how you are towards him. He’s betrayed you and destroyed your trust. It’s up to HIM to fix this. With my admission I know it was for me make amends. He has to do this for himself without thinking of others around him, this will provide everlasting change because he’s done it for himself and no one else. The only thing you can really do is take each day at a time. This will take days, weeks and months. Citing my timeline it took my wifey a month or so to believe I was changing. She had doubts and probably there is still a very little part of her that thinks this may come crashing down but this voice is drowned out constantly, with my / our existence now.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted – I can’t underline how powerful a step this is and letting go at this juncture may not be the best timing. If my wifey let go when I came out then we wouldn’t be experiencing the love and happiness we have now. Life when charted should show a positive upward trend and there will be blips along the way however if these blips are relatively short then the growth that can come out of these negative experiences really is offset (plus some) with the positivity that can come out it.</p>
Stay Blessed

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