[claire34]

Hi all

My partner has been sober from drugs and alcohol for 2 1/2 years until New Year’s Eve a few weeks ago he said to me that he feels that he can safely drink as long as with me. Someone who is virtually tea total. So I believed him anyway we fell out over something small and he didn’t come home for 24 hours

He called me after this and told me

He had relapsed and did drink and cocaine though was mortified and had to get back to being sober

Which is amazing

Back to where he was he said relapse is part of recovery, though I can’t help now feeling a total loss of the last 2 and a bit years and my trust in him. It seeps through everything I have to worry where he is will he drink today will he get to 5 years do it again or never.

I feel like he’s been so selfish and if he loved me or my children and his own he wouldn’t have done it

But he said he truly believed he could drink

It’s just totally devastated me

He was doing absolutely brilliant and loved it

He is back to where he wants to be and wants to leave it behind as a blip

And so doenst want to talk

But I feel so desperately sad about it al

Thanks I. Advance

[b8988]

Hi there, first off the fact that he did 2 and a half years sober is amazing! I’ve just gone through relapse with my husband for cocaine, although he was only sober for 6 months. He did it off his own back and didn’t attend meetings, which at the time he said he could easily dismiss the cravings, until he was faced with it and couldn’t refuse. He didn’t tell me he’d relapsed, I guessed! He denied it which made me furious! like you I questioned (if he’s had a period without) why wouldn’t he have thought about us etc and said no?

The truth is, addicts are addicts for life, there is no cure, just management. I could have handled my husbands lapse better though. I threatened divorce the day he used again, i then brought up a lot of stuff he’d done to me in the past and he said it made him feel like scum! Instead I should have encouraged him to get back on the wagon and praised the time he spent clean. He then went back on it hard and this resulted in me asking him to move away to sort himself out, he’s only been away two weeks and started using pills (ecstasy) and then coke again. So I ended the relationship properly, since then he’s been almost suicidal and cries everyday saying he can’t lose me. Now I’m back to square one. It’s a never ending battle unfortunately.

I’d suggest if I was you, to encourage him and praise him so he doesn’t feel worse, but tell him you expect him to get straight back into being clean. Suggest he attends meetings regularly to help him stay clean, if he wants a relationship with you. You need to call the shots, otherwise they just look for excuses to carry on using. My husbands are; he uses if he’s happy (like a celebration) if he’s sad, if he’s bored, if he feels guilty, etc. Basically he self medicates.

[dnanon]

Hi Claire, like above I think your partner has done really well. From reading other posts it seems that a relapse is part of the recovery and it’s how the person deals with it. I can also understand your apprehension whether it will be a one off. He probably genuinely felt he would be ok and with you there. Obviously that wasn’t the case so bear in mind for the future. It sounds like he wants to continue with his recovery and leave the relapse behind as a blip. Maybe give him the benefit of continuing supporting him with his recovery. I am sure you would notice the changes in his behaviour if he relapses again. But also explain to your partner how you feel about the relapse and talk about it before putting it behind for you both. Good luck x

[Author]

Posts