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I’m new here and don’t quite no where to start
So partner of 11 years went to rehab in the beginning of January and done 4 weeks self admitted after a couple of years of racking up thousands of £ of debt to dealers it finally caught up with him and he went straight in to rehab it was a hard time going through and getting the money together to pay off all this debt and missed rent but I got there with help all the time feeling angry at the thought that he was allowing himself to put us and his two children at the risk of loosing everything we had worked hard for but that got sorted he came of rehab in February a new man meditation jumping on calls with na and he was doing sooo well we had a relationship ship again just us no cocaine and the kids noticed it aswell and how happy he was and not spending all his time “at work” and then he relapsed in April to which he planted things for me to find out because he didn’t no how to tell me so once again I felt broken and angry because he was doing great and then I had to deal with the debt again so he got him self on face to face meeting at an na group and he picked himself back up again until now he’s just come home from work and I could just tell he had done something and now I just don’t really no what to do I’ve supported him through so much over the years affairs lying dishonesty and I just feel like it’s a kick on the face sorry for going on but I didn’t really no where else
To go it would break his mums heart if I told her and I no that’s not what he needs right now x
Thank you for reading
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You have been to hell and back
He has put you through just about everything from the sounds of it and over a long period of time
That’s a hell of a lot to go through for anyone
You have totally been there for him and from what you write it’s very one sided
Can I ask why you don’t think his mum should know and why it is not what he needs?
Maybe she will actually support you; most mothers want their son to be a good man, husband and father
If it was my son I would want to know; and I would be on his case to know why he was putting you and my grandchildren through this hell
Maybe letting her know the truth will help
She can probably see things are not right
truth usually is the best policy and the consequences of his actions need to be faced for him to take ownership
We all have our limits
The fact he planted the evidence to soften the blow of the extra debt to me says he knows he can offload it on to you and you will sort it out
It’s manipulating it from his debt to ‘our’ debt
You are obviously very strong and good person to have been through so much and still continuing to try and help sort all his problems out; but life is so short and you deserve some truth and happiness
To have someone like you in their life is most men’s dream.
if you are not appreciated now; you will be with the right man who lives for and cherishes you every day for the rest of their life knowing they an absolute angel in their life
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Do it sooner rather than later
It is so awful hearing what people go through
There Is no room for romantic dreaming of a happy ending
Very few get that novelty
Get out whilst you are able
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Hi ,
I am also new here, my husband of 19 years has had a serious cocaine /MDMA addiction for the past 3 years.
We split in late 2019 his choice to leave after apparently I had become a tyrant , an abuser and a complete narcissist. Realism is I was the one trying to fix him ….. oh how silly was I. In the year before he moved out he started staying out , lying hanging around with people half his age spending less time with me and his son. I had messages saying he had cheated on me and his phone was never far from his side. I believed every word he said when he told me it was because I was being unkind , nagging, trying to control him and that I was the one whom needed help. I started to believe him as he would lie and cover his tracks making me doubt my own thoughts even when I had evidence. I started self-harming and spent a year getting counselling for all the stuff he put in my head. Which I now know was wrong he was 100 %manipulating and gas lighting me .
He owed his customers 64K and went bankrupt, I was totally unaware of his business debts.
What ensued after he left was him still using although he did he kept coming back into my life and even after him moved on with a childhood ex , he claimed he wanted me back. In the end we started to rekindle things ..then I found out he was with her also He was faced with his truths when she and I finally met … he had told her to block me on socials as I was a crazy psycho.
When he was found out he threatened suicide, all of a sudden I was left with this broken shell of a man , the father of my child whom I loved dearly. He promised to get clean so last year before Christmas he moved back in …
I struggled with the infidelity but after a few weeks of being humble I was getting … ” well you need to forgive & forget and don’t as forget you drove me out of my own home with your behaviours so that’s how I met her” Unreal eh ……Then the signs started again the paranoia the voices in his head , the accusation of affairs, checking my phone Facetiming me when I was out to see where I was , I never had anything to hide so he found nothing of course , so then he tried to break me down again saying … it’s your moods , your temper, once again he was trying to break me. Get counselling you psycho he would say , the awful things he has said to me and even our son the old him would recoil in horror.
Now onto my son he is 15 and was old enough for me to tell him what was happening, he wasn’t stupid he knew. Our son told him he knew he begged him to stop…. he said he would. He didn’t ….. even after a few weeks when we found out he had relapsed we both said relapse again and we want no more to do with you until you are clean and sober .. guess what he relapsed. Yup not even his son turning his back on him is enough.
He has been gone a week now after faking a drug test, I could see it was fake pee and it was of course he denied it and in the end threw it in my face… it was synthetic urine brought off the internet… he planned to fail. Don’t trust a sample unless they hand it back to you after weeing and if they really do mean to get clean they won’t mind doing that. Apparently it comes with a small thermal heater that after the mix it with water they have to keep it body temperature so when he came in and went straight to the toilet still with his coat on do this sample to prove his innocence naturally alarm bells rang. So be wise on that one .
I am not letting him back now I have enabled him for years and caused myself so much pain, no way am I letting him do that to our child too. He drinks heavily now and still refuses to see he has a problem it is always me driving him to it.
I get texts that are abusive one second full of sadness another … he tries to guilt me, manipulate me, it’s a cycle of misery for us all.
I choose me now , I can’t change him nobody can. He is a master at manipulation but as much as it breaks my heart I have to let him reach rock bottom, who knows he may realise what he has lost and do something about it or he may find somebody new to sell his story to, so he can continue his story with me as an abuser and him the victim.
But enough is enough now…. my advice to all is this.
He or she loves drugs more than you or anybody else including their children.
Drugs comes first ALWAYS
They will manipulate you and yes they will probably cheat -especially with cocaine
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The person you loved is no longer the person you are dealing with they are gone, you might get them back you might not but don’t harm you or your child by trying.. you won’t win this battle.
I am 48 a kind loving caring woman who works very hard in a high profile job , I am funny , popular , loyal to the very end and a good mum and a part time model most blokes would probably say I am a real catch. Our son is kind intelligent, never been in trouble and we have a lovely home in a nice village.
This isn’t me bigging myself up this is me telling you that he had everything and it wasn’t enough so please do not let them make you think … if I was a bit more this or a bit more that they will change … they won’t .. you will and not for the better.
My heart goes out to all wives and husbands living this perpetual nightmare , your stories are all like looking in a mirror. I have shared my story because I have gained strength and incite by reading all of yours.
One day our loved ones might find their way back to us, but please try and see where you might be enabling them because you aren’t helping you are actually making it easier and handing them the knife to slash you with. It has taken me a long time to get here and my gosh is it painful, but if he stands a chance then this is it… rock bottom or bust.
It is such a cruel disease as it alters their minds so badly they truly cannot see it anything other than the fault of others
Much love to you all xx
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Your post really upset me; you too have been through so so much.
It saddens me that good people get treated this way. it’s just tragic the hell that addiction brings
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It’s the saddest thing ever, the manipulation is the worst I think, there is always something they want when they try & reconnect it shows how little they care about you it’s all about what you can provide.
It’s harder on us than them , they know no different.
Sending you hugs , I know what’s ahead but stay strong and we are here for you . Xx
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Honey , he’s left for one reason only . And that is to carry on using drugs.
Don’t take it personally , it honestly is so he can carry on using. That is what’s on his mind constantly but he can’t tell you that and now the drugs have taken his ability to empathise so being hurtful doesn’t even register . They all do it , please I beg do not take this in … it’s a muse to use .
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Walk away and don’t look back.
Sunny77 is ???? right in everything she has said
You will never get the answers you are looking for
Cut him off and be strong
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Hiya sunny . Your words are so helpful to me . My partner of 10 years has also left me and says she loves me but isn’t in love with me . We’ve just sold our house we had together as she’s so unhappy with me . Even tho we got engaged before she started he 2 year coke addiction . Now all this it’s my fault has come out because I told her family home bad it all was . She didn’t admit it and just blamed our relationship, now her family have pushed us to sell our house and she’s up for it because I suppose she doesn’t have to admit what she’s doing to them . She got sent home from work yesterday . Apparently she’s broken up about our relationship , when if fact she came home didn’t mention a word about us and she slept from 11am till 5am , but to me she’s telling me she’s not using ….
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Hiya sunny . Your words are so helpful to me . My partner of ten years has also left me and says she loves me but isn’t in love with me . We’ve just sold our house we had together as she’s so unhappy with me . Even tho we got engaged before she started her 2 year coke addiction . Now all this it’s my fault has come out because I told her family how bad it all was . She didn’t admit it and just blamed our relationship, now her family have pushed us to sell our house and she’s up for it because I suppose she doesn’t have to admit what she’s doing to them . She got sent home from work yesterday . Apparently she’s broken up about our relationship , when if fact she came home didn’t mention a word about us and she slept from 11am till 5am , but to me she’s telling me she’s not using ….
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Hiya sunny . Your words are so helpful to me . My partner of ten years has also left me and says she loves me but isn’t in love with me . We’ve just sold our house we had together as she’s so unhappy with me . Even tho we got engaged before she started her 2 year coke addiction . Now all this it’s my fault has come out because I told her family how bad it all was . She didn’t admit it and just blamed our relationship, now her family have pushed us to sell our house and she’s up for it because I suppose she doesn’t have to admit what she’s doing to them . She got sent home from work yesterday . Apparently she’s broken up about our relationship , when if fact she came home didn’t mention a word about us and she slept from the time she got home in the morning till this morning ! But tells me she’s stopped now
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. Your words are so helpful to me . My partner of ten years has also left me and says she loves me but isn’t in love with me . We’ve just sold our house we had together as she’s so unhappy with me . Even tho we got engaged before she started her 2 year coke addiction . Now all this it’s my fault has come out because I told her family how bad it all was . She didn’t admit it and just blamed our relationship, now her family have pushed us to sell our house and she’s up for it because I suppose she doesn’t have to admit what she’s doing to them . She got sent home from work yesterday . Apparently she’s broken up about our relationship , when if fact she came home didn’t mention a word about us and she slept from the time she got home in the morning till this morning ! But tells me she’s stopped now
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Hey Paul0572
I have seen all of that the blame shifting the poor me victim stance being made.
The effects of yet another binge being passed off as the effects of the toxic relationship. It hurts because nobody knows the truth , the present an image that paints them in a good light .
The lengths they go to to twist the narrative in their favour is hurtful.
I was relieved that once I made the decision not to let him back he would no longer have me to blame & people would see it for themselves.
My heart goes out to you , mine has now announced he is going to share a flat with a lad half his age who is also a coke addict . Apparently he’s changed now …, of course he has.
I know this seems like the worst pain now , but it’s either this for a short term or a lifetime of it .
Because unless the enrol & stay in a programme then this won’t ever stop & you will always carry the pain , cocaine devours them of empathy . They literally care only about drugs people that can get them drugs & people they can do drugs with.
It’s honestly like seeing somebody die & then watching them still walking around living their life . Sending love
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Why is it they lack so much empathy, this is a girl that I’ve picked up from 3 serious mental health break downs over 10 years , been her rock and supported her when no 1 else cared for her . We were engaged before she started taking it and now she’s so vile towards me , has hit me many times called names …is this who she is now ?
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