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My partner left me for cocaine (or at least I think so, there’s no way of knowing the truth really..) We have been together for 6+ years, everything was great until last year, I noticed cash withdrawals on the bank statement (we rarely use cash for our day-to-day) and when I confronted him, he told me about his cocaine use and said that he had been using only recreationally with his friends, starting about a year ago.
I was so shocked but decided to stay and work it out because I love him, and he said he would stop using. He said he could stop, I believe him and relapsing never crossed my mind (how naive I know). We agreed on boundaries like he can’t go to his friends’ place to hang out temporarily but they can come to our place, as a measure to rebuild our trust (now it all sounds so stupid I know). He didn’t use for a couple months. We spent almost all time together except work so I trust that he was truly clean.
2 months later, we had a fight because he went to his friend’s place and came home looking off. He told me it was pot not cocaine but I was so mad. I have never used any of them before so I don’t know how to tell the difference, also I was just so mad because we agreed to work on rebuilding our trust and he just decided to push the boundary. I was hurt and disappointed.
That fight never got resolved because he would keep running away from it (he is very avoidant of difficult conversations). He starts coming home late from work, would always say that work is busy or he would be hanging out at his friends after work to avoid coming home. I noticed he’s back to using, and at this point I would say its probably a couple times a week.
One day he was using in our bathroom (before this he would never use it at home when I am in the house) that I started to realize things got worse (it’s no longer recreational) and I started to get really worried. I sat him down, tell him I’m worried about him, and he said it’s partly because he’s stressed out around me because of our fight (at this point we haven’t even been fighting). He also said he wanted a break for us, because he needs space and time for himself. I didn’t have a choice so we went on a one-month long break, and hope that things will get better after he gets his space to think.
A month later, we never talked about that break, what’s the next step and the cocaine use has gotten worse (by this point he’s using daily) so it became clear to me that that one-month break didn’t do any good. He had treated me so cold after the break and tried hard to push me away. I sat him down and asked him again about his substance use, he said he can still control it and that he’s not worried. Can someone be using daily and it’s still considered under control? That conversation ended with him wanting to break up with me (that’s why he’s been trying to push me away), the reason being, he loves me, but he needs to figure himself out, and he wants to be by himself, and he can’t be a partner right now.
It kills me that he would give up on our relationship without giving it another chance (I had suggested going to couple counseling, but he refused). I want to think that this is a relapse and because now that I have found out about his use, if he stay in the relationship with me, he feels suffocated because he can’t find chance to use, and that’s why he wants to break up with me. But I don’t really know, am I the one in denial that maybe it’s my problem, or he just doesn’t love me anymore? The past couple of months when he was so cold to me it does feel like he’s a totally different person. He was such a genuine, loving and caring person & partner. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I always thought we could get through anything. I never thought that it would end this way and it’s so hard to accept!
I keep questioning myself if I have done anything wrong. Maybe I said something that triggered him, made him turn back to cocaine after the 2 months off it.. or was I such a bad partner that causes him so much stress.. but I don’t have an answer. I love him and I still want to help him, even if he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. And I find myself stuck here can’t move on, keep looking for resources, anything that has any chance of helping him getting out of this.
I tried telling his family about this so they know the seriousness and can keep an eye after he moves back to their place, but I don’t know if they just think I’m making stuff up. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy and this forum has helped me so much. I am shocked to hear the similarities in different experiences and I know a lot of people here had it way worse than me, but I find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone. So thank you everyone for sharing their stories, and may you all find strength to get through!
Sorry for the super long rant xx
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I’m so sorry to read your story & what you’re going through. I check in on this site from time to time as it helps me after I went through a break up with an addict (cocaine) & it still haunts me to this day. No one really understands the living hell you go through & the mental torture & trauma is leaves you with other than people on here who have experienced it. My ex was such a great guy & that stuff turned him in to the devil. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I had no choice – he wouldn’t admit he had a problem (me finding out he was spending £300 a day on it & sleeping with prostitutes wasn’t even enough to make him think there was an issue). Everything was everyone elses fault, he would go out of his way to start fights & cause arguments as an excuse to use or blame me & made out to the outside world I was crazy – and he made me feel like I was!! I like you went to his family & they thought I was nuts. He made me the scapegoat for everything when we split up trying to hide the truth about his addiction- I had to move away as I was so embarrassed, humiliated & ashamed. The man I loved & knew was gone & I had to accept that & try not to take it personally – it was the drug, not him. It’s about them – not about us. The lies, deceit – you won’t even know the half of it, the depraved things I witnessed & found out – my whole world was smashed to pieces. Losing his home & me wasn’t enough, eventually his job went, all his money, he was left with nothing. While ever your partner thinks he doesn’t have a problem he will choose that drug over you no matter what. Cocaine changes the chemistry in the brain – His brain is telling him you make it difficult for him to use – his brain thinks it needs it to survive so it wants rid of you – simple as. He won’t feel anything towards you, all sense of morals, empathy – any human emotion really other than selfishness & self pity takes over. My advice to you – let him go. For your sake – leave & never look back. If you want a future like some of the poor souls on here that have been stuck in these horror stories for years then you can carry on trying to help him – but be prepared for the long haul & i’m afraid until he admits he has a problem you stand no chance at all. Miss Charlie will win every time. Stay strong x
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Ask me anything you like, I’m always happy to talk, if nothing else came out of what I went through other than being able to offer a few words of support to others it’s something positive! Try not to keep beating yourself up over timelines & thinking about what if’s & whens – you can drive yourself silly with it! Although I know it’s hard not to as everything starts falling in to place & the odd behaviour starts making sense, but then you’ll start unpicking the lies & questioning everything & it will consume you. It’s so hard though as you just want to understand! Why and how could they do this? Chose that stuff over you, your relationship, family, home – but it’s the drug – it’s an addiction and they would never chose it for themselves – it just slowly creeps in & takes over & convinces them they are having the time of their lives, that they need it to get through a day – to feel normal, to survive – and anyone that gets in the way of that is a nag, a pain, a bind, a hassle they don’t need. I found with my ex that he actually behaved more normally when he was actually on it at times! The comedowns were horrific & he was vile & nasty or sleeping for 18 hours – when the big benders started he’d be on it for 3 days before he’d eventually crash – in that time he’d be sleeping with prostitutes, messaging girls (many of who I knew!!) driving around getting up to all sorts with unscrupulous characters – it was horrific, the man I knew would never have dreamed of behaving like that. He also was doing it at work – got away with it for the best part of a year before it finally spiralled out of control. He tried to hide everything by telling everyone he’d got mental health issues (obviously all caused by me!!!) & that’s how he got away with it for a long time after. The lies he told people about me were horrendous – I just could not believe how he could turn on me like that to save his own skin when all I had ever done was love him to the ends of the earth – we had a lovely relationship! We never even used to argue!! After I ended the relationship I said I was always be there to help & support him once he decided to get professional help. He ended up seeing a councillor & doctor but didn’t tell them about the drugs & told me one day that they had both told him reason for all of his behaviour & mental health issues was because I was emotionally abusing him!!! That was the last straw for me – after the living hell he’d put me through I’d had enough & I didn’t speak to him again for 12 months after that. I was broken. I was mourning the death of the man I thought I was going to marry, deal with being cheated on & lied to for a year, being mentally abused myself by him trying to make me think I was crazy & cope with all the lies he’d told everyone about me yet I was still so desperately sad for him. I still loved him. He’d ruined his life by basically being naive & not realising what that stuff could actually do & how it takes over your entire existence. His poor parents were beside themselves & his behaviour obviously worsened in that year – he had his vehicle sized, lost his job, had several car accidents, physical accidents, convinced himself people were following him round/stalking him & had it in for him – non of which were his fault of course (and nothing to do with the drugs obviously- he was just REALLY unlucky!) I ended up on anti-depressants myself for a short while after the break up – it was the most horrific thing I have ever been through (there’s so much more but I won’t bore you with the details) That was not going to be my life & I knew how it would pan out for him & I was right. Once the trust is broken I don’t think you can ever truly get it back & to this day I don’t believe a word that comes out his mouth. Addicts lie & are master manipulators. He got a new girlfriend a few months after me, wreaked havoc in her & her families life (her sister messaged me out of desperation as she said he was tearing their family apart & wanted to know the truth about him as obviously he’d spun them a load of lies) I saw him just after Xmas this year parked in a lay by after not speaking to him for a year & I knew why he was there – I got in his car & he looked like death – he was in the middle of one of his 3 day benders, it was so, so sad but it just confirmed I made the right decision the year previous. He openly talked about the drugs so at least he knew there was an element of that casing the problems in his life but still no real acknowledgment that being an addict WAS the problem. I begged him to go home to his parents & talked about a lot but mainly just found out that his life had been a circus ever since we split. (He had done stints of being clean from what I could gather) I had a few chats with him after that to make sure he was okay but I said something he didn’t like one day & made a really nasty personal comment & I just thought why the hell am I STILL being nice to this person? STILL trying to support him after he absolutely destroyed every last part of me. Nearly ruined my life, took my confidence, self worth, lost our home, his dog (that was basically mine), my ability to trust anyone or myself, I was left with ptsd & to top it all off got the blame for it all!! (Obviously everyone knows the truth now – time Is the teller of all truths but it didn’t help at the time!) That gave me the closure I think I needed really but I’ll never 100% get over it. It’s the most traumatic thing I have ever been put through. Hence why I still come on here. I still feel sad about it, about him, I still love that man I was with before that stuff took him but I don’t ever think he’ll be right again now & I was not willing to put myself through a lifetime of that for ‘love’. I had to love myself more & get out – I didn’t not deserve any of that. Present day – I’m really, really happy – it took me a lot to rebuild my life but I now live in my dream home in the middle of nowhere with my little dog & my horses, have the most amazing & supportive family & friends, have a lovely boyfriend of which I do NORMAL things with like go on holiday and actually spend quality time together and have fun! You don’t realise how not normal your relationship with an addict actually becomes until you meet someone else – even just getting taken out for a meal & having someone WANT to spend time with me instead of avoid me & make me feel like I’m an inconvenience was totally foreign to me. The IS light at the end of the tunnel & it will get better & easier, I know it doesn’t feel like it but he’s done you a favour by breaking things off – take your golden ticket & run. Please think of yourself and take care xx
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Hi Emma
I read your post which has brought tears to my eyes. I am going through the ‘letting go” stage, well trying to anyway. I’m finding it so difficult and reading your response to bluestar has made me think there is hope!!
It’s been nearly 3 months now and it doesn’t seem any easier especially with kids involved. It’s like I can’t cut all ties. I say this is due to the kids, but truthfully i know its me. 20 years together is a long time even if 10 of those years was a 3 way relationship with cocaine. The later 2 turning in to a 4 way relationship as he was having an affair. Hence, the realisation I needed to let go. How much pain can someone take until they wake up and think right that’s it no more. I may have threw him out of the family home and i know in my head there is no going back. However, hope is still playing a major role in my thinking and leads to my hesitation in taking action in having no contact with him. I thought the pain would get easier without him in my life this is not the case. I don’t miss the lies, deceit, cheating, lieing in bed all day, no help with housework and general moodiness, laziness and being miserable. However, it’s like I still crave a part of him to be here. Like my own addiction to him!!! How crazy is that after everything he has put me through!! It’s like torture….the constant wanting to know answers to QAs, how can he do this, why me etc. He barely sees his kids youngest being 4. Yet he manages to squeeze his new gf into his plans not that he openly reveales her as being that. She’s still somewhat a secret. Even has the audacity to claim he wants to be bk with his family whilst he still with her. It’s like talking to a crazed man who has no sense of reality. No one can be content and happy in that life. On some occasions i think i can see happiness, but you will know yourself its like dealing with several different versions of one person. Seems happy sometimes, not a care in the world, then down and miserable next with a splash of motivation where he proclaims hes going to do this and that in the future. It completely messes with your head as you start think you are going nuts as its not normal behaviour.
Like u mentioned the unpicking of lies and questioning is consuming me at the moment. I just want to get passed this stage. I want to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t really know what’s best to do in regards to the children. I do know he loves them, but his interest becomes less and less and I guess I’m left deciding whether I stop access completely or give him the benefit of doubt for a bit longer……prolonging the heartache really!
I’m glad you have found happiness and escaped the hell! Can I ask do you still think of him and love the person he once was? Will he always be a part of you or does that diminish over time once you move on?
Xx
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My heart bleeds for you, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It was the worst time of my life and I had the luxury of being able to walk away without marriage or children being involved. Please stay strong, it will get better.
In reply to your question – I think about him every day and it’s been nearly two years. And I still love the man he was very much. But he’s gone – that person will never come back – not the way he was & even if he did, the lies, deceit, the horrors he put me through- I’d never get over it regardless. I separate the two people – the man he was – I mourned, that person I was with died & I feel sadness, sorrow towards him & his family. The man walking around in his body now – I feel nothing towards other that pity. That person is not who I knew & he’s not a nice man. Put the drugs aside & take away that element/excuse – would you accept that kind of behaviour from a husband? Is that how you saw your future – being treated like that? No, it’s wrong, you deserve better & you need to try and move on. Have you considered any kind of counselling/going to the doctor? X
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Hi Emma
Yes, I’m looking into councilling, so I’m hoping that will help. Is it something you done?
You are spot on with the mourning scenario. Its like grieving for the person I once knew who has now died. Someone else is just walking around in his body.
I know what I need to do and what is right/wrong, acceptable/not acceptable behaviour and ultimately how we are better off without the person he is now in our life. It’s just training the mind to let go, move on and embrace life without him. Picturing a new future is hard when you’ve always had a certain one in your head which included him. I feel for the kids especially my son as I know he misses him dearly ???? Its so sad and your right I do pitty the person he is now as its no life he is living.
I think the mind is very powerful and throws you of course at times. Just need to try and keep strong and move forward. Take each day as it comes and pray it gets easier. ????
Xx
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You are clearly an incredible woman and partner. Reading your post was hard because i know I behaved the same way your boyfriend is now and i would give anything to be able to go back and do over. Take the chances she gave me to change, take her offers of support and not see it as her trying to controlling me.
I’ve taken a break from posting on here recently for my own reasons but I couldn’t scroll past. I will however try to keep it short.
Your boyfriend’s relationship with cocaine will either be majority “lad lead” ie he started doing a little, now he is gripped and addicted to the feeling and has fallen victim to the point where the addict inside of him whispering in his ear is manipulating him to rid his life of anything that stands between him and cocaine. Or it will be using it to mask a deeper issue as cocaine is the most powerful tool to block out emotional distress. Either way he is clearly in deep and the drug is in control.
Ask your boyfriend to read some of my old posts. Show him my guilt and my shame and show him that there is nothing glamorous about cocaine. It will isolate you from everyone who loves you, it will take away your career, your friends, your money, your health until you find yourself at a point where you are longing to be back to the person you can barely remember you was when you was making all the decisions he is now and wishing he could change them.
My heart bleeds for him, as it does for you too. He is so lucky to have someone who cares about him the way you do. I hope he can see what he has before it’s too late.
Stay strong and no matter what make sure you take care of yourself too.
James x
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I have been reading all of the posts above and I wish I could have my husband back the man I married we have been together 20 years and have 3 amazing children he is gripped by drugs , smoking green and cocaine and I don’t know if there is anything else .
I found him in a girls flat 5 weeks ago who does the same , he behaves like a complete narcissist and never used to be like this . I thought he had cancer or was mentally unwell but now I know it’s the drugs I would do anything to help him too and love him so so much
Please can anyone help me I am in despair and just can’t see what else I can do to help him
He is now at his mothers and stays there some nights and weekends I don’t know , he hasn’t seen his children for 5 weeks and hardly gives us money , I know I will need to divorce him if he doesn’t change or see the light
He stopped drinking 18 years ago so I know he can do it but since his father died and since the lock down this has all gotten worse .
James I wish I could get you to speak to him but all I can do is hope and pray he gets better . Our children are 13,16 and 19 and they need him
Any advice would be amazing and sorry I am no help to anyone just now x
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Hi Tara b
I am currently in the same situation as you, 20 years together 2 kids , had a really good marriage, he was a brilliant husband & dad, he has completely changed left 3 months ago hardly bothers with me or the kids , but has time to drink and go to football matches , can I ask how are you now , I have good days and bad days, did you feel like your husband was emotionally starving you, I thought my husband was depressed and sick also , has he changed his behaviour or stopped ? Mine is in denial denies everything and lies , never would he do that , I hope you are feeling better
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@bluestar I hope you move on from this, you absolutely deserve to be happy. It sounds like you’ve given him more than enough love and support. You can’t do any more than that.
@emma Wow. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that but absolutely over the moon to hear you have moved on and that you are very happy now. A lot of what you have written has given me a lot to think about. I recognise a lot of these behaviours especially turning the emotional abuse around to be me the instigator. Thank you for sharing.-
Oh it’s incredible how they twist things to cause arguments & make things out to be your fault or like you’re being unreasonable for absolutely no reason whatsoever! I’m so glad I have such a strong sense of self & unlucky for him we actually had a really lovely relationship before Miss Charlie took over our lives – we never used to argue, I can’t remember ever even raising our voices in 3 years – we were a really happy couple – so when that stuff took him & he started trying to make out I was this awful person & we had a horrid relationship I knew it was all just utter sh!te! ! I’ll always remember one day when I was begging him to go to the doctors & he said to me ‘I actually think you need to go & see someone – I genuinely think you got bipolar or something, the way you go off at me a times’
I actually found that moment quite comical. The scary part was I actually think he believed a lot of his own lies though at that point. It’s enough to drive someone insane. Stay strong x
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Yes its so awful. We’ve been together over 20 years and he’s been taking coke for nearly a year. Apparently I’m really aggressive and argumentative all of a sudden. I’m not the one who has changed! At first I was exasperated and arguing back but I realised that’s what he wanted. For me to be the bad person. I just walk away now. I feel like he is always trying to get a rise out of me. It’s horrible. Then the next minute he’s great! I just want a normal life.
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Bluestar. My heart hurts for you , sending you a huge squeeze – I’ve been there not so long ago . I’ve just walked away from my 15 year relationship , married for 7 , we have two small children , and our beautiful forever family home has just been sold because of him and his destructive choices. .
I’ll try a Short version Dec 2020 I found out my OH was using cocaine , he blagged me it was recreational?! ( lockdown ?! I think not ) and I kept this hideous soul destroying secret to my complete self until sept 2021. During this time my OH deteriorated more and I realised end of 21 he was using every day whilst at work , at nights just sat at home whilst our children slept, dealers vining yo our home and me unaware !! . I sat him down too numerous times thinking I could help him and we could solve this , but my once best friend who I could talk to for hours , my caring husband – hero of a daddy slowly began to leave .
He stopped getting up for work, he sometimes didn’t come home and would go binging in hotels for days on end . He stopped helping me around the house or being apart of the childrens day to day lives . It started to eat away at me – the resentment , the loneliness. But the lies and the times he turned the story on its head leaving me at fault – I was traumatised.
During the 18 months of merry go round hell , I’ve just about managed to hold down my job without anyone knowing but I buckled in March finally and told his family . They were gutted but I don’t think at the time they realised this Stuff had taken their loving , fun son away.
Over the last 6 months he disappearing mid week and not coming back till end of week then crashing all weekend only to give in on a Monday and start all over again . 7 weeks ago we went on a family holiday , the day after we got back he disappeared for the final time for 4 days – this time I refused to let him back and finished it .
Since then he’s a nightmare – got worse Infact but the difference is I don’t have his chaos ruling me and my children under our own roof. Some times we don’t hear from him for days , then he comes to the house all attentive and emotional ready to quit but literally can’t go more than 6 days off it . He will then binge go out living his best life ( telling everyone that we have split because I won’t let him go out – absolute c r a p) and only come back to see the kids when reality starts to set in so he takes more and we do it all again .
I’ve not had a proper rest in 7 weeks , he rarely asks how the kids are and has no interest if we are ok for money , good etc- absolutely emotionless and no f3cks given .
When he comes round ( I won’t let him drive kids as always positive on tests )he hangs around the house because he can with it being his too but when we leave before Xmas to go to new house I won’t be letting him “ hang out “ at ours . I honestly thought me and our children leaving him behind might of brought him round , but it has not 🙁 It’s going to hurt Bluestar, it’s a
Big old long road – but my advice , walk away … I’m sorry but your OH has been lost to this devils drug too . Look after yourself babe and start to plan . You can and will do this .
Emma- your sum up , I can only wish for your ending to happen to me one day.. I’ve been sad a
For too long .enjoy every moment of your fresh start – love to read a positive outcome story xxx
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