[dontgiveup]

When my parents divorced, me and my sister went with my mother. And my 2 oldest brothers went with my dad. My mum then had a new partner who I blame still for everything in my family to change. He was a silent bully which 2 months after my 18th birthday I find the news early Sunday morning that she had hung herself which I can’t even word how that felt. Seeing my youngest sister have to move with my auntie and myself into my partner at the time parents house. This caused a long stretched out of mental health issues including gambling and smoking weed. Then my current partner who I’ve been with for 4 years is amazing. We have a 2 year old who is the most beautiful little girl ever and is my world. But for the past 9 months I’ve been an addict to cocaine. Started off 20 worth a night. Now 2g or more of pure cocaine. Which led me to payday loans and personal loans which she doesn’t know Bout any. I now have 8k of loans debt to my name , rarely sleep, addicted to coke, amd gambling. I have a 5 year ban from all online casinos which I did, but doesn’t stop me going into casinos. My credit rating is destroyed, and my partner only ever talks about her savings and asking about mine as she got her head screwed on for a morgage which won’t happen with my credit and debt. I’ve been longing it on as haven’t got the guts to tell her as I know she will leave me 100000% which makes my mental health worse and Im breaking down every day which causes me to have more coke to try cheer me up. I wouldn’t be alive right now for certain if it wasnt for my daughter.but I worry myself with how long I can do this for as I know deeeeep down I need to tell her, but I feel with knowing she would be gone and maybe make it hard to see my daughter that it would make everything worse for me, and I don’t want to loose either of them. I’m 25 years old and haven’t told anyone so felt like I could rant it on here as least no one knows me

[danman83]

Sorry to hear about your mum. Do you think you are taking this much coke to numb the pain??

Anyway im doing best to quit coke i cant stand the stuff. Ive not had it for 3.5 week now. If you really want to stop. Delete all your dealers numbers. Social media. Get a new number. Dont drink any alcohol.

Stay away from people who do it. Try and find some local c.a meetings. Ive never been but they do work.

You need to change your whole life around now and routine. Get some new hobbies. Watch louise clarke on you tube on crack cocaine part 123. Shes an expert on coke addiction and you will learn alpt from her vids.

Can your gf not even tell you are on it?

Take each day as it comes. When you wake up tell yourself.. you are going to stay clean for today and today only. Thinking to far a head is not good.

[dontgiveup]

Thank you for the advise mate. And yeah I do believe that’s the reason why is to numb the pain as I never had help to get over it , just kept living day by day. Then after my daughter my gf was pregnant again and we had a miscarriage which broke up completely. She can’t tell I’m on it, all my friends don’t understand how she doesn’t because I’m blowing my nose every 20 minutes. I sweat awful in my sleep and she hates it which I never use to, and when I say sweat I literally mean I wake up with the bed almost looking like I’ve wet myself. I lie even about eating as I say I eaten before she got back from work etc. Just got myself into a deep whole of lies, debts, addiction. And if I delete all numbers and people out of my life that use coke. I would hardly any friends, and best friends I have known for 17 years plus. Knowing to get better I know I will loose friends, girlfriend, loosing seeing my beautiful daughter who keeps me going, loosing the chance to see her everyday brakes me just the thought. It’s all just too much with my mental health. But I also kmow if I don’t say , it will be all revealed one day and just makes me sniff more to forget about it and try to be semi normal. My gf has noticed a change in me, even said she wants the old me back. I am and not blowing my own trumpet but I am a really nice kind caring person, and ahh just hate myself for this. Wish I could just wind back clock and never got myself so deep as I am now. If I did belive my mum was looking down now she would be so dissapointed. As she was almost a local celeb as she was the nicest person people had ever met. And I could of beenergy carrying the legacy. I can’t turn to my dad as he’s 68 with heart problems, lives in his own for 15 years and he would just cru every night worrying me and if you knew him you would understand I can’t tell him. I know it’s small step that’s needed and I just struggle so bad knowing about all my lies and what will happen after even the first step as I’m going to loose my gf, my chance to see my daughter everyday, gf parents are lovely but also a little judgemental amd would hate me and make my gf pull even further from me, as non of her family even smoke, let alone touch aby kind of drug. It’s nice I can let out it all on this forum as never been on anything like this , feels good someone knowing for some weird reason amd I thank anyone who replies or talks to me about it

[donthaveaclue]

Could you seek counselling to help you deal with your mental health issues? Also what about Gamblers Anonymous?

If you can treat some of the other stuff you are dealing with then you might be able to get yourself off the coke. If you are struggling with those other things then I think it’d be a lot harder to stop using it.

I can understand why you don’t want to tell your partner and why the thought of her finding out makes you do it more. It’s very scary and you have a lot to lose.

My partner has poor (untreated) mental health too and I feel he uses coke at times to cope… e.g. if he is stressed or if he feels down… in the long run it is just a very temporary fix as when it’s worn off he is a deeply unhappy person. It’s really a vicious cycle and not the answer at all.

[danman83]

Maybe you need to see a councillor regarding your mums death to do your best to come to terms with it. Im no doctor but that could be an underlying problem

2nd whats more important.. your mates who you get smashed with or your little girl growing up with her dad?? I know which one id choose. Ive cut all my mates off.. ye i do lapse every 4 week roughly but im doing my best. You need get new friends who dont use. You will always be in a vicious circle if you use with your mates. I had the best times ever with my mates. But when i look back.. id rather of got my head in the books than drugs…

Cut everyone off.. spend the money on.your little girl.. play with her, and enjoy as much time as you can with her. Mates are nothing when it comes our children.

[danman83]

Gods honest truth now. Get a councillor, cut everyone off.. even if its for 6 month till your heads back to normal. Set some goals. Take some new hobbies up. Spend every weekend in the house with plenty of family time. Yes it is hard, but you will be gutted if you lose it all and get worse.

Im always here if you need out pal.

[dontgiveup]

Well woke up this morning and I broke the news to the partner and we’ll, it’s all gone how I would of imagined. She’s packed up and left while I went to work, and on my 2 hour brake when I would always go see my beautiful daughter I was told not to go near her. Hearing her say I couldn’t see her destroyed me more than actually telling her my problems. Im still at work now as I don’t finish till 11pm and I’m dreading walking through that door to a empty flat , no little girl , no partner, nothing. But I guess this is the first part of trying to sort myself. I told my boss about it as he has noticed a change in me as I’ve worked there full time since I was 17 and I’m now 25. I feel ashamed of myself, dissapointed, failure. Hit the bottom of the bottom now and feel so alone. Going to be a haRd night to stay sober

[dfh]

Please do, take it from someone who is currently watching their partner choose crack over their family. I also used to use coke but stopped a couple of years ago. I still have urges but I manage to talk myself out of it. I think of the awful feeling of disappointment, no sleep, lost time with my kids and the come down all at a cost financially and with family. Like Danman said, get help.

[dontgiveup]

Got to see my daughter today for 5 hours which was amazing. Went to the park, then beach, out for lunch, followed by a nap in the pram, then back to the park. She didn’t want me to take her in my car which was awkward but guess expected as use of coke had been there. Haven’t touched the stuff for 5 days now. Her parents are very negative towards me which is a shame as they loved me alot before. Made an appointment at the doctors for Wednesday coming to sort mental health and addiction. Nearly got some last night but managed to get past it which made me sick amd shaking but felt proud for doing it. Actually slept before midnight and didn’t sweat like a pig either. Got alot to prove and a long way ahead but I’m feeling postive about it but of course still get very negative at times with hatred towards myself for ruining everything I had. Broke the news to my gran parents which are like my parents to me and they took it okau as they said everyone deserves a second chance and will do anything to support me. Told my dealers and close friends too. Hopefully I will update this post 2 times a week with positive messages and progression. I thank every one who has taken there time to help and advise and share similar experiences

[danman83]

Good on you mate. Your on the right path now. Just be aware what triggers the coke cravings and try and avoid them, and think of your little girl.

[dontgiveup]

Thank you mate, I feel like I’m on a constant come down. Always feeling drained since I last taken it but guessing that’s because it’s been in my system every day for months and months and months so guessing this is just the ultimate come down

[dnanon]

You have already taken some massive positive steps. It is going to be hard but just think of the rewards at the end i.e. More contact with your little girl and hopefully getting yr gf back. I am sure you are a really nice guy when you are not using, just like my son. He lost everything through coke and we had no contact with him for the last six months, not our choice. He has recently come back into our lives and we are so happy. He is building his life back from scratch and genuinely seems his ‘normal’ self. I really hope you can do the same. Danman has loads of good advice so you can ask him anything.

[dontgiveup]

Well it’s been over 4 weeks and haven’t touched it, sleeping pattern is awful since as I’ll go sleep 12am then wake up every 2 hours but adds are to triple the amount of hours slept than a few months ago. Have my daughter ever mon and we’d which is lush, but still not use to not seeing her for the other 5 which is horrible and don’t know what to do with myself but watched 6 series game of thrones in the 4 weeks I’ve been clean haha. But thank you for everyone’s advise it ment alot to me and to get it out to to you lot before making the steps and breaking the news to my now ex girlfriend. Long way to go for sure , but feeling on the right path amd postive to get further amd get my life back on track

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