[rachy323]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have been on here before shared my story in the early hours of the morning when high on coke but feeling disgusted and ashamed with my actions then deleted my thread threw ashamed of being judged and disgusted by others. The truth is though I can’t hide this anymore for years I have been a high functioning cocaine and alcohol user but this past year I see how it’s got worse to the point mow I feel it has to be obvious now to others that there a huge problem. In the past I could handle my job the kids hold down a happy relationship and actually enjoy what I would call it a treat now and again and have a good time we’re as now I am skipping work after all night benders/ not been able to take my kids nice places as I would be to hungover to drive and finding myself actually preferring to do it alone so that nobody can see the extent of my use. I hate myself for what it’s doing to me physically and mentally I am a shell of the person I once one my confidence has hit rock bottom to we’re I dont even recognise myself In the mirror my hair is dry and course my skin looks pale my eyes look tired. I can’t even be bothered to call friends and family anymore or any arranged meets I just cancel. My biggest thing is what it must be young toddler’s and as much as I no I am a good mum and I give them everything they need at times I feel like I am letting them down in ways when you really think about it aren’t OK. I hate myself every time I do it I used into enjoy the buzz the boost it gives you now I just feel shame guilt and at my worse utter disgust in what I am doing to get a high out of something I no longer enjoy. It sickens me when I run out at the early hours of the morning and actually find myself looking on the floor or locking the plate just to see if there’s anything left. I have known for a while it’s got out of hand but this last week has proved its out of control. I have been on a t4 night bender waiting for my partner to fall asleep so I can sneak downstairs and help myself to his stash which I embrassingly replace with teething powder. It’s despicable I am using my partner to fund my habit and although he appears to not have a clue apart of Me thinks he must suspect but would never think I would do that to him. I never thought I would . I can’t believe he hasn’t caught me yet as its got to the point like last night for probably the 5th time sneaking downstairs I don’t even try to be quiet opening the bag it’s almost like I numb myself to the possibility the thought of him waking up and catching me. He doesn’t no that for the past three days once he’s left for work I have called in sick took the kids to nursery then instead of catching up on some sleep which I once would have done I have carried on taking lines all day on my own pacing the house doing nothing. Today was my biggest low of its gone or going to far when I couldn’t even take the kids to nursery for the thought of them seeing my eye’s and sussing me out. I got this picture in my head of them calling cps and taking my kids from me and my whole world collapsing around me. I can’t do this anymore it’s either going to kill me or I will losing everything.  I am a good person with a beautiful home good job loving partner two beautiful kids I adore so why can’t I just stop! I can’t go to rehab if I could I would but I couldn’t leave my kids we have not close by family or relatives to support us. I have admitted to the doctor yesterday that my drinking has become a habit but couldn’t bring myself to tell her everything else threw again fear of the repercussions. I just want to get me back. I can’t remember the last time I had a good solid sleep. When I do sleep I wake sodden from head to toe in sweat I have awful panic attacks and my anxiety is threw the roof. I have this overwhelming sense of impending doom that something bad is going to happen and my world is going to come crashing down. Why is that not enough for me to stop!</p>

[m]

hi Rachy,

well done for reaching out. It’s such an awful feeling and situation you are going through. I’ve never admitted on the site before as I’ve been on here seeking advice about my partner but I was like you many years ago. It’s easy for me to forget as i last used 15 years ago but going to meetings with my partner recently has bought back memories for me and I feel a hypocrite for how angry I get with him sometimes. He wouldn’t recognise me if he knew me back then!

you need to talk to ur partner and tell him how serious it is for you as long as you feel safe to do that.
The fact that he does coke too means you have a much slimmer chance of stopping. How often is he using do you know?
You should search for CA meetings near you and go.you can call them up first for a chat if you feel more comfortable doing this and they can tell you where you’d nearest meetung is or try one online. I recommend you do this tomorrow while you are feeling like this. They will find you a sponsor, someone who can guide you through the steps. It’s all anonymous so no child protection are involved.

Alternatively look up smart meetings or you can do both at the same time.

it’s sounds as though your partner could maybe do with some support too.

it’s a tough addiction, please don’t beat yourself up, you’ve been very open and honest which takes courage.

you can get better but it will take work. But your life will be amazing and it will get easier in time and so worth it.
If other people can do it then so can you too.

U know the saying “if you keep doing what you’ve always done you will get what you’ve always got”

xxx

[charnellb]

Hello All,

My boyfriend is addicted to cocaine. He has been for 10 years. We have been together for 2 years. The first year he lied to me and said he only did it occasionally. However, he was truly addicted and consumed it every day. He has cheated on me and has humiliated me throughout our relationship. He recently has been trying to quit, but has relapsed many times. I truly love him and care about his well being, but this is very difficult to deal with.

[Rae44]

Rachy,

I understand it is hard when there is no help from family for the kids. Try doing meetings online and start the 12 step process. Also it sounds like your partner should do the same. Addiction usually gets worse before it gets better. I hope you can find a way to get the help you need.

[Author]

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