[anon2809]

Not really sure what kind of advice I am looking for, I suppose it’s more of a confirmation I need more than anything rather than thinking I’m being irrational and blowing things out of proportion. So I’ve been with my other half for 3 years, his wife passed away 5 years through alcohol. We were neighbours and he was always open to me about her drinking and how she used to go off for week on a binge. I feel now he is the same as she was, just better at hiding it or so he thinks. About a year into our relationship, I noticed a change in him, mainly in his eyes as he appeared to have been drinking. I started marking my drinks (I only drink normally on a Saturday night) and they were going down, I confronted him and he completely denied drinking it even though the only other people in the house are the kids so very doubtful they’ve been touching it. A few weeks after I came home from work and could see he’d been drinking which again he denied. I searched the house high and low and found a bottle of vodka stashed in the cleaning cupboard, he couldn’t deny it. He promised he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. I mostly work from home now due to covid but if I do go into the office for the day, when I come home, I can tell he’s been drinking by his eyes, I do ask him and he denies it. Last weekend I came downstairs about 9:30 am and I’d heard him opening a can of beer, I asked him if he’d just opened a can of beer which he denied but I then found it hidden under the kitchen sink. This is the 2nd time I have caught him drinking on a morning. I have confronted him which he admitted to eventually. This evening I have found he’s been in the Christmas Sherry after I noted this afternoon where it was up to. I told him I knew where it was up to and he’s still denying it. I think mainly as I caught him drinking in the morning last weekend morning and he knows how much it upset me. Part of me feels like I’m making it up in my head so therefore I still allow him to drink on an evening but deep down I know his drinking habits are not right. What do I even do about this? We are due to marry next November and at the moment I just feel like I don’t want to marry an alcoholic and his behaviour is driving me away

[anon2809]

Just to add, he drinks everyday. Normally about 12 cans a night. He never appears really drunk so he thinks that ok. He has a good job and still hold that down well but the amount he drinks is just not normal. I can only imagine what state his liver is in

[the-bard]

Hi I have been married for about 15 years and for the last 10 or so my wife’s drinking has gone from a few glasses of wine a night to about 4 bottles a day, everyday. She has always “liked” a drink but the bit that hurt the most to me is the early morning drinking and secret drinking and finding hidden bottles around the house. I often would dread coming home from work at 5pm as I never knew what sort of state she would be in. Deep down I knew she would be drunk and I could always tell by her bloodshot eyes. Like you and since lockdown I have worked from home and noted her habits of loitering around the kitchen so she can sneak drinks of wine. I have confronted her in the past a number of times about her drinking and each time she said she will change but doesn’t. I think partly its because they see it like a thrill from having an illicit secret affair, only its with the booze and not another person. Personally I can see the only way she will change is if she has a major health crisis (not that I would want her to have something like this, though I can’t see how her health isn’t being impacted already) and even then I am not sure she would stop. Sadly I am stuck, as we have young kids and my desire to protect them outweighs my desire to leave, as her drinking would put them at risk as she often falls asleep from being drunk. Honestly, even though I love my wife deeply and it hurts me a lot to see her this way if I knew this was how she would end up and how its made me feel I wouldn’t have married her as it just complicates things even more.

[anon2809]

Thank you for your reply. It’s so difficult isn’t it. Part of me wants to just up and leave but I am the same, I love him deeply but I can’t deal with his drinking. He has 2 children aged 15 and 20 and mine are 10 and 6 so makes life more complicated and I would literally have nothing if I left. I would have thought after what his kids went through with his wife that he would think twice about his drinking and how it will affect them. I came out of a rubbish marriage with a husband who cheated and he uses the line ‘would you rather be with a cheat’ but in my eyes, his drinking and lying about it, is just as bad, if not worse. I just can’t see an end to it.

[the-bard]

I do know it’s tough and we all have our ups and downs trying to stay strong. There is sadly no magic potion to make this stop, as it ultimately comes down to the selfish actions of our partners. They don’t see that it affects us and our children and that we have to struggle through each day watching them disappear one drink at a time, turning from the person we fell in love to someone we no longer recognise.

I know this last xmas week has been really tough for me as my wife has upped her drinking to between 4 to 5 bottles of wine a day. She drinks throughout the day so thinks nothing of it, and my fear is her tolerance levels have increased as she doesn’t seem drunk, which is a really bad sign. I recently read an article about a 48yr old mum who drank a similar amount to my wife over a similar 10 year period and ended up with full liver failure with a few months to live. The similarities were frightening.

The sad thing is they only need to ask for help from us yet they either wont or don’t want to which I really don’t understand.

I truly hope that things turn around for you in the new year and either he finally gets some help or you find the strength you need to take control of your life back.

Good luck and best wishes

[Paul-]

The time has come to ask if you really want to pursue this relationship and go on to marry your partner. It’s time for a long, serious think about how you can both work together and save your relationship.

The difficulty is the immediate lack of trust – ‘marking’ the drinks in the alcohol cabinet because you desperately need to know how much the man in your life is really drinking.

It’s sad to read that your partner’s wife died because of alcohol and there is the likelihood that he will have been drinking when she was alive. Being skilled at keeping it all secret, he’ll be discussing his wife’s alcohol issues – rather than his own.

As time has passed – and gone unnoticed for a while – his drinking has progressed further.

Within that time frame, there will be the combination of him being less able to disguise the problem. You could say that he is now ‘losing that edge’ regarding his alcohol secrecy.

Above all else, the lack of trust will be the element that will ruin your relationship – more so than your partner’s alcohol problem.

Coming home everyday and finding yourself foraging through the wine and beer cabinets in a desperate quest to see how much your future husband has been tippling will take a toll on your own emotional well-being.

On top of that – in all honesty – your partner will be diving into that drinks cabinet, armed with cloth-in-hand trying to wipe away the evidence and re-draw those markings. Coupled with him getting frustrated at the thought of you not trusting him.

You are confronting your partner about his drinking and this is now leading to arguments, lack of trust, him feeling paranoid at being ‘spied on’ or monitored and you being burdened with the worry and insecurity of having to deal with this.

Your partner is doing very well to hold on to a good job and can be considered ‘high functioning’ with regard to his alcohol misuse. However. This will catch up with him and in time mistakes will be made, putting his career at risk.

High functioning alcoholics may exist.

However. Sometimes, people are just brilliant at ‘covering things up’ and ‘blagging their way’ through any indiscretions.

It’s only fair to accept that your partner is no doubt brilliant at his job. However – one way or another – the drinking will insidiously catch up with him and have repercussions at work.

At the moment, he’s likely to still be ‘on top’ of things.

Every time you check that cupboard and either take note, mark the bottles, or count the cans in the waste bin – that trust will be replaced with paranoia. Even if the evidence says he hasn’t touched a drop whilst you are not there, you’ll still be questioning it.

When you confront your partner to either ask how many drinks he’s had today or comment each time he’s had an alcoholic drink, there’ll be another argument.

Your partner now needs to face the truth and accept the reality of his situation.

Giving replies such as ….”Would you rather be with a cheat?”….Translates as merely another excuse to detract from (and justify) the drinking. A problem that needs to be faced.

You’ve sensibly decided that you don’t want to marry an alcoholic. Put it a more positive phrase….You want to marry a man who is willing to accept his problem and get it sorted….

In all fairness, you obviously see many good points that indicate you want to save this relationship, have a family life and are concerned for your partner.

It’s going to be difficult. The man in your life must accept he has an issue with alcohol that could spiral out of control.

There is the option of giving him that ultimatum….”Give up drinking or I’ll go……” Although you may have nowhere else to go, there’s a big part of you that wants to stay and fight for this relationship.

Your partner’s drinking may have started much earlier when he was with his wife. Although his wife passed away as a result of alcohol, the chances are your partner will have become more dependent on alcohol.

There’s the likelihood that your partner may still be grieving for his wife and the drinking will somehow be compensating for this. If anything. This could be the foundation of his alcohol dependence.

It may be worth considering bereavement counselling to explore this area, so it’s worth discussing with him. You may want to consider ‘couples therapy’ which may help you both explore ways of dealing with this together – and providing further encouragement for your partner.

(Of course….Covid-19 and lockdowns/restrictions may create difficulties for the time being. We are all hoping for an end to this……)

Approaching him on the subject of bereavement counselling may be a more beneficial discussion for you both, rather than the single approach of asking him to seek help for the drinking.

On the subject of the alcohol consumption, your partner will need to seek help for this – whether it be from his local doctor, counsellor or joining a group (such as meetings or group therapy).

You want to continue with this relationship because you know the positive aspects of your partner and want to live together as a family.

The success of your future together may depend upon your partner finally letting go of his past.

[Author]

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