[jchrist11]

I’m married to an alcoholic we argue about it most days. It upsets me everyday it’s taking over my life. He says he knows he has a problem but doesn’t get help. I’ve been with him since I was 16. 24 years later somehow I’m still here!!! I feel like I can’t take much more I just don’t know what to do, why I torture myself daily when I should just walk away. But in sickness and in health for better for worse. I feel like a terrible mother should I be protecting my child from it! Any help/support greatly

[somebloke]

Hi,

Really sorry to hear your story. It’s very much the same as mine. I have a wife that hides and drinks vodka daily. She’s drunk and aggressive from about 5pm every day of the week, so I feel your pain. The need to protect my 2yo son takes priority, even above myself. It’s not easy for the Dad in these situations as it’s usually us that has to have to leave in a separation!

I’m afraid I don’t have much in the way of advice as I came here for support as well, but from what I do know the disease of addiction fundamentally changes the brain chemistry of the addict. The denial, dishonesty and aggression is overwhelming, and is horrible for those that have to live with them. They are essentially different people to those that we used to know.

Hang in there. Your not alone, and when we look back we’ll know we did the right thing. Feel free to vent on this thread 😉

All the best,

A

[somebloke]

Oh by way, I’ve been looking into attending addiction counselling. Not because I need it, but because I am having to live with someone that is an addict. This is also a way of hopefully leading my wife to get help. Not sure if this is something you’ve looked into.

A

[careaboutyou]

Hello both,

I’m so sorry for you both!!! That is both of you the partners of alcoholics…………..not the addicts!!

I was married to an alcoholic, it was a whirlwind romance, I was pregnant very quickly ( so I understand the tie to try to stay together because of a child ). We were together for 5 years, the ‘drink problem’ got progressively worse, he went to rehab more than once ( didn’t work ). It was like hell, it became full blown alcoholism and he died in 2012. I had to leave in 2011 with my then 4 year old son.

Anyhow, I’m here to try to give you some words of advice.

Jchrist11 : You mention your vows!!! Jchrist! wake up, is he keeping them??

This is what an addict depends upon, under the guise of love he’s keeping you there..This is not love, this is dependance and control. He is living off your energy.

Please get out of this relationship, and give yourself a chance of survival mentally.

SomeBloke: Hello, so sorry for you. You describe the situation so well. When you’re with someone, you think it’s them and their unique personality and experience.

I have the benefit of hindsight and reflection…..all alcoholics behave the in the same way. You need to take your little boy and leave!! I had to leave when my son was 4. He’s now 15 and has not been affected by living with an alcoholic, I had to leave for his sake and my own. You must do the same, before the child becomes affected. I recognise the agression you describe. You are right about the brain changing. Its sounds like she’s in an advanced state. My husband was in denial until the day he died. It will be all your fault according to the addict.

This must be affecting you deeply, please rescue yourself and your son. Making your son a priority is by leaving not staying….this is no Mother, even is she shows flashes of it.

Don’t worry about you being the man leaving etc…there are many female alcoholics too. The worry of not being believed used to get to me too. Gather evidence, take pictures of her passed out, film her ( without comprimising your safety ), document and date things. My husband used to threaten me that he would take my son away ( his brother was a lawyer ). It turned out after his death, that my brother in law, knew nothing about it. I had letters from the Priory etc anyway and had gathered evidence to prove that he was an alcoholic.

Your son does not need an alcoholic as a Mother. Hoping that you find the courage to get out of the situation.x

[somebloke]

Thank you! It’s a breath of fresh air to get the perspective of someone who has come out the other side. I was looking back on this forum to an old post I did about my situation. It was in 2019!

I might reach out to IcarusTrust to take this further. You’re right, I need to do things based on evidence and putting my boy first.

Thanks again,

A

[careaboutyou]

Hi SomeBloke, yes I did wonder whether it was an old post. I’m just doing this because when I was in your situation….there was no support. Al-anon were useless.

Please muster up the courage to leave. I also understand the shame that you may feel and that you may worry that people are thinking that you are guilty by association. To be honest, it’s obvious who is the capable Parent and who isn’t.

Please make plans to leave. The Addict will hang on to you ( under the guise of calling it Love ), this is not Love, it’s suffocation. Unfortunately if you stay, your Son will also get sucked into this and feel that he has to hide it from everyone, etc, etc and won’t be living a free life. I saw this with teenagers with Parents with an alcohol or drug addiction in the Priory ( my husband was in there, more than once, it didn’t work ). I thought….I’m not letting that happen to my Son….!! You must get away for both of your sakes. x

[somebloke]

Hi careaboutyou,

So here’s an update!

My wife screwed up big time and drank 1l of vodka in the local park on the way to pick up our son. She was discovered by locals passed out on the pavement with an empty pram. Police were called at the scene. Luckily this was on her way to Nursery so little man was safe, but put on the police record what a desperate situation it is.

I took advice, and decided to leave with my boy. I stayed in a hotel that night, and went to my family for a month immediately after. I have now had her leave the house, and I’ve returned with my boy (after lots of legal wrangling). Social services and CAFCASS are both involved, and I’ve been given the thumbs up that I’m acting in my son’s best interest.

I’m really bucking the trend here. There is gender bias in the system, and it would normally be me who leaves, but this is not fulfilling my duty of care as a father. Nor is it right. She is the one who needs to face consequences and face up to the situation she has created.

I filed for divorce last week, and have been stabilising the home situation for my boy. Now I just need to ensure she doesn’t bankrupt me in the divorce. But one step at a time.

I felt I needed to post an update here as there are many people going through this. It’s bloody hard. I hope to drop further updates with assurance that there is a path forward (especially for the father).

Cheers,

Somebloke

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