[debc]

Hi Purpleheart,

Welcome to the Forum, it’s a great place to start and share your story, lots of people on here in a similar situation.

My Son is an addict, alcohol and cocaine, he is doing ok at the moment, but before he said he needed help life was hell.

I hope you have gone home now, your girls need you as i’m sure you know. I understand completely you sitting in your car, sometimes you just need a bit of time to get things straight in your head.

Do you think your husband wants to stop with the alcohol and cocaine? He is the one that has to do it and find help. There are on line meetings for AA, CA and NA, they run all the time.

Have you got anybody you can confide in? His family perhaps. It’s hard coping all alone with this especially when you have a family. But you are not alone, keep in touch on here, it’s a great place to be able to chat.

I hope you feel better for sharing your story, it helps to get it off your chest. Take care of you and your girls first.

There is also the Icarus Trust who you could chat too.

Take care.

Dx

[purpleheart]

So I found out at Xmas my husband was using coke near enough every day in secret for months ( or at least that I knew if) it was around the kids too – one time whilst I was in hospital for 4 days with our youngest is just one example while he had the other child .anyhow it came to a head on Boxing Day ( as prev post ) and I threatened to leave with the kids and he swore to me that was the end of it and he had just had a “ blip” he had been struggling with work and lockdown .

Fast forward 4 months. For a few months all fine then Lockdown has started to lift and he’s meeting his “ coke mates “ again who have no issues with their habits – fine asking as it doesn’t involve my HB. Anyway He’s still drinking every single night ( always has had bit of a taste for drink ) but he seems to spends a lot more nights recently getting properly drunk , the rest a few bottles a night which I keep nagging that it isn’t Normal but he has no issues with it ( he is also on antidepressants can I add ) .

But for the last 6 weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve noted that “ coke “ look I’m pretty sure I have – he eyes are different and he treats me all softly softly – you would think the opposite but he knows better from the previous time I dug until I found facts what he had been doing.

The amount of times I have outted him on a paranoia argument recently – well I’ve lost count , I can’t help but get wound up when he’s gone meeting people who I know will be taking . I’ve become my own worst enemy and have told him what happened at Christmas with the deceit and lies will sit with me for a long time .

I know my marriage cannot continue like this – every day nearly I’m watching him , and I wonder is it the drinking or the coke again?! . I play happy families to my kids and yet I feel alone and am waiting for the next bombshell from him . I’ve lost trust on this aspect – I love him I do – but I have resentment deep down because of what he’s done I can’t se to get past it .

To make things worse there are certain friends who were part of his little secret previously popping up again for “ beers” after work – and he knows I’m suspicious of them – so I thought I’d test him ( horrible I know and I would never do this normally I swear ) but I asked to see his messages from this certain friend since our Xmas bust up . My husband stalled but showed me texts and WhatsApp but surprise all the conversation history is deleted on both – like he’s never spoken to him ever! . So I asked him how often he sees his friend – twice a week and said everything is arranged by phone . Thing is this “friend” previously used to msg my HB arranging the drugs/ drop offs etc.

My husband then stormed out taking the dog out – came back an hour later smelling of booze with the claim he deleted his messages off his friend because he had been asking for drug dealers numbers and wouldn’t like me to see that ?! ….. what am I meant to think or do ?! I’m an angry , suspicious, wife who doesn’t know what to believe of her husband anymore . It’s eating me up … any advice or just to talk appreciated … I can’t tell anyone x

[purpleheart]

He swears he hasn’t relapsed by the way .. but this behaviour doesn’t add up to me 🙁

[thistim3]

Purpleheart – our stories are so similar.  So similar.  You describe so much of it the same that I would, but in my story it started decades ago. Before devices were around that I could try to figure out where my husband was going. No trackers, no cellphones.  How would I even believe what was happening then. I wouldn’t and shouldn’t be here with him now if I could have known then.  I noticed he was different and found it so scary. I didn’t tell anyone. I was alone and pregnant with our first born. Alone and scared.  He wouldn’t tell me anything and would leave everyday for hours and hours and hours.  Come home, go to sleep, go to work, then leave again.  I’m impressed that you confronted your husband. I didn’t confront mine. I was too scared. He went unchecked for about 5 years, when I finally did.  I’m mad at myself for that, but I never would have guessed coke.  How could I? I didn’t know. This is my husband. My protector. I still can’t get this to make sense. My husband was a long time cannabis smoker up to that point, but he was never like this before. I didn’t know anything about coke or any other drugs could change someone so much.  Did your husband also smoke/consume cannabis before his addiction alcohol and coke? So many of the addicts start and/or are at their worst when their spouses are pregnant and/or when their children are very young.  Maybe this  a coincidence. Those years of our lives are over and it hurts that during those years he was so awful. There is no do over and it is hard for me still to watch other couples enjoy this part of their lives together – when our own lives were so messed up dealing with all the things that you mentioned.  I want to get past this, but I don’t know how.  He still minimizes this on the rare occasions that we talk about it.  But, really – what can he possibly say or do to make it better? So, I hope and pray that there is something that I will read or hear about that will make it better for us – so I can move on from this.

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