[kklost]

I am so sad

Yesterday I stumbled across the fact my husband is an addict. He’s admitted it and I’ve found out he’s spent £4200 since Dec on cocaine.

I have been supporting him with what I thought was depression and a major breakdown. It wasn’t at all. It was a huge drug problem.

We have 3 children, a huge mortgage and he says he wants us. He wants our marriage. He is willing to do anything not to loose us.

He is going to pay his whole salary into a joint account and I can move it straight away, so he has no money. He is wanting to see the GP on Monday (discovered all this on a Friday) He has told his sister and she gave him a right telling off. Next he plans to tell his mum.

But why am I terrified I’m making the biggest mistake staying with him?

I know that somewhere inside he’s still there. But am I being a fool? Am I hanging onto someone who isnt there?

Or is it possible that if he’s totally cut off that this will work? No money, no chance of getting drugs?

I feel like I’m grieving, I feel like he’s died and I’m left in that limbo before a funeral

[kklost]

I’m lying here awake and so upset.

I can’t believe you have done this

I can’t believe you needed drugs

I can’t believe you have been lying to me about something so dangerous, terrifying

I so scared of you

I so scared at how I am a fool as I had no idea at all.

I was completely blind from this

I feel like you have died and I’m all alone

I can’t see how you will be clean and off drugs

Our sons are so beautiful

Our sons are perfect

Our sons are what I live for

You have failed them

You have done the one thing a parent never does and puts yourself before your child

I am sobbing and have a huge weight on me like I’ve never ever had before. I can’t describe this pain.

Why was your life/our life such a crap place to be?

Why was everything I wanted not enough for you?

Why were me and the boys not enough?

Why did you need this?

You have promised me the most you can.

You have said you will do everything to make this right

You have told me everything I want to hear

You can’t be a statistic and relapse. You can’t do that to yourself or me.

You can’t spout off that you have been clean two days (as I start this from 29th May) and ever take cocaine again.

You can’t ever ever take it again because I won’t survive it. I won’t make this if you do.

I won’t be standing by your side if you slip up even once

I have never ever meant this more – YOU CANT EVER do drugs again. There is no 3rd chance. There will be no family, I will only be here now and never again if you let us down.

You have one shot

[kel1]

Erm I’m sure you’re letting off steam, however I think perhaps you might need to read about addiction and more specifically cocaine and the effects, especially if it’s as heavy as it sounds.

I’m sure you’re devastated, however ultimatums never usually works, in fact I think it can have the adverse affect.

Cocaine is such a powerful drug and I’m sure he will need help with this. CA meetings, local drugs service and GP is the first steps.

I think it might help you if you perhaps try not to blame yourself or your family. It’s nothing to do with how perfect your family is/was and how great your life is.

Cocaine ruins lives, breaks families and rips people apart. It’s the devil drug! It destroyed my family and my lovely loyal man and turned him into a monster!

Now, I hope you are one of the lucky ones and he really does change for you all, however he really needs to do it because he wants too, and work out why he used in the first instance.

Unfortunately we have no power over other people and their choices. And yes the trust is broke, and where drugs are involved lies are always present, along with the other crap that comes along with it.

Keep posting and talking and reading up about cocaine abuse as you might be able to identify some behaviours but also learn new ways to keep yourself safe.

Warm wishes to you

[kklost]

Gosh I read your reply and my heart rate when crazy.

I am so naive to this… I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what to do.

I can’t stand by while he does it again.

But you sound like I am a fool and he will. I’m shitting myself as he just can’t do it again.

I looked at that man and never ever thought he would drug take. I would have stood in court and said to police no, he doesn’t drug take.

I honestly don’t know him.

I want to spin the days forward to when I know these answers.

[kel1]

I understand. Im sorry you’re feeling this way. You must be in shock. It’s awful I know. You’re not alone and you’re definitely not a fool. You’re heartbroken. It’s heartbreaking. You need as much support as you can get so talk to friends and family. There is plenty you can do – for yourself. Brace yourself though. I hope he can turn things around I really do. I think you probably need to sit down and have a talk with him about this situation. Try to be patient and lean on one another. It’s emotive at the moment. It’s not easy at all I’m only to aware of that, however you need to probably start by taking care of yourself. If he wants to change and get help then that’s the first step. Maintain some healthy boundaries and stick with them as it might be a rocky road from here on now.

[kklost]

Thank you.

You are right.

I’ve set my own boundaries and my mum is being so amazing. She really is my rock.

I’m sure loads of women say he has one chance and don’t follow through. But that’s not me, he has one chance and then that’s it. I have 3 beautiful children and will not put them through it.

Today it’s to the GP and banks.

One day at a time.

Thank you for being here and being to the point. It shocked me but I so needed it. It helped me a lot.

[kel1]

Hope things get better for you and keep us updated if you wish.

And you’re welcome, sometimes it’s a harsh reality. I was probably you six months ago or so until I got some hard truths here and others places.

[ash2013]

Hey Kklost,

I know how you must be feeling, you sound like a strong cookie.

If I didn’t have a child with my husband I wouldn’t still be here. He is clean now, 5 months, however the fear of it returning is crushing still. If he ever snaps at me I immediately think he’s done it. He hasn’t, and I have tested him, he suggests it! Because he now knows what it did to me.

My husband has been on and off it for years, recreationally, and then it took hold. He was hiding it from me (or trying to) by using diazepam, although I still knew. He’s a different person when he’s using, he can’t see it, but I can. I can even tell by the tone of a text now, i’m so fine tuned to him. He hasnt drunk alcohol since December, alcohol tends to be a trigger. He’s distanced himself from the circles of friends he had that do it.

This is new for you, don’t let it define you. Find strength in your closest friends, I have never told my parents, they wouldnt understand.

You are not alone, there are – unfortunately – many people in your boat.

Sending love x

[smithy]

My husband is the same, on and off it recreationally for years too and he has admitted now that it has turned into something different. I have known that it was a problem for a few weeks but didn’t realise to the extent. Now I do and I feel lost as I have nobody to talk to apart from him or this group as nobody I know would understand. I feel like I have enabled it in the beginning and I’m hoping to god that the stuff that he says is going to work. He has taken off the contacts and has offered tests which I wasn’t going to do but now reading your post I think I will. I feel like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt to make it different and change but also am acutely aware that he has to change habits, lots and even if he manages to stop for a while there will be a reason at some point where it will happen and then he won’t tell me and the cycle will start again.

[ash2013]

Hi Smithy,

Its good that he realises its become a problem, thats half the battle won.

I dont know how well tuned you are to your husband, it may be that his using it has become the norm and you dont know the real him anymore. The issue I had was that on coke my husband was a totally different person, didn’t care, no motivation, no interest in anything other than hanging around with people who did it, going out and not coming home until the next day, then hanging and loloping on the sofa for 2 days after, biting my head off, depressed…. but when he was high he was also another person, void of responsibility, rude, self loathing sometimes, then full of it other times.

Its a tough drug to come off of, the physical withdrawal is ok with support, but the mental withdrawal is worse, its more mentally addictive than heroin i’m told. But luckily physically he’ll be ok.

Test him, you have every right to and if he’s clean he wont mind. If he’s not clean, he’ll try to tell you you dont need to do it, or get angry at the thought, which may mean you’ll give up asking (not a good sign) He may struggle to sleep properly, its part of detox, the dr will be able to help, he’ll have to be honest, and if possible go with him for support.

Feed him well, care for him, make him understand how it makes you feel and what he’s losing out on by doing coke.

Sending love x

[kklost]

Do you want to talk about what happened?

It’s ok if you don’t.

I just feel I need to prepare myself and try to be ready.

Today he called GP and GP was brilliant.

He has bloods and an ECG booked for tomorrow. He has been referred to a drug counselling service.

We are then due back to the GP on Friday.

[kel1]

Thank you although my story is on here somewhere. I hope things work out for you.

My story is like many others on here sadly.

My ex was lovely, loyal and a good family man until COCAINE took a hold of him and now he is a shadow of his former self.

So many lies, deceit, betrayals and damn right disgusting behaviours for any person to cope with and or even think about getting into again. I had a break down because of it all and I’m six months on now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and what I went through. It’s not easy at all watching someone you love turn into something awful.

We were together 22 years and he never once even raised his voice. He changed significantly into someone I didn’t recognize.

I can’t have sympathy for what people who abuse COCAINE say at the moment as I’m so angry. They know what they’re doing, but it makes them selfish and unkind.

I just feel sad for you but I also hope another family isn’t destroyed by this.

Best of luck with everything

[dot]

Wouldn’t wish anyone to be in my position. Take your chance. Dont be like me and be forced to do it separated with no chance of going back.

I’m on day 14 now I promise after 3 days the symptoms disperse. Your head will clear up and your judgements wont be clouded as much. Just do it mate

[kklost]

Dazzaot – are you the user? Have your family left you?

I hope you are ok.

Well done for 14 days!

[dot]

Yes I’m the user. But I had to lose everything to stop. Too little too late am in bits but I have to keep going. I wont ever use again i know i wont and thankyou

[dot]

Posted my story on this forum :/ it’s not even scraping the barrel theres so much to tell but it wont change what’s happened I guess

[kklost]

Kel1 – I am so sorry. I will try and find your story.

Are you together still? Or are you apart?

I hope that you are getting stronger. You sound so strong.

[kklost]

Dazzaot – thank you for telling me. I am so sorry you have lost everything.

What did you do that made it all end?

We’re you given loads of chances?

I don’t know what I expected when I found this site, but I didn’t expect to speak to someone in my husbands position. Thank you replying to me.

[kel1]

I left six months ago and no we aren’t together.

I realized the man I knew and loved no longer existed. Even when I look at him he doesn’t look the same. I think he is still using as he refused a drug test a couple weeks ago.

I’ve never got an apology in fact he blames stuff onto me.

I think mine as permanent damage to his brain to be fair and I’m not joking as he is NOT who I once knew.

[dot]

Well it’s my fault at the end of day. Didnt take my chance when I was offered it. And I had chance after chance after chance and didnt change my behaviours. I never get locked up a night in the cells. Bein placed on bail and was unable to see my kids for a while made me make this decision. I cant ever come back here ever… wouldn’t wish it on anyone I’ve got alot of work to do I know… if it didnt happen I wouldn’t of took any action I’ll be honest

[dot]

And kel brain functionallity can return after a long period of abstinence

[kel1]

That’s if he stays off it but yeh I’ve read about that. I do think one day he will realize what’s he has lost but by then I’m sure it be too late for us.

[kklost]

Dazzaot thank you for such a honest reply. I appreciate it.

I am staying firm that this is a one time chance for my husband. I have a small ‘army’ behind me who will make me stick to my own promise to myself and kids.

I would have stood in front of police/court/whoever and sworn that my husband was not a drug user. I found it because this year things have sprinkled out of control. He used £4000 since Dec on it. But April/May was the majority so he slipped up and I found out.

I think it will take a while to believe it’s true. In my gut. I’m in shock.

I am sorry you lost everything and especially your children, are they back in your life now?

Kel1 – I am so sorry your man no longer exists. That’s so sad and heart breaking for you. I can fully understand why you left and not worth wing with someone who isn’t them.

It won’t ever be the same, so you are better off rebuilding yourself.

I can’t even begin to think how that must have been and how you felt and still feel.

[kklost]

Being

[kklost]

Ash2013 – thanks your words are so kind.

We sound similar.

Did you know he did it as a ‘social’ thing?

I didn’t.

I have got stronger over the last three days. I will keep getting there.

I know this is a one time gig. So I’m giving everything I’ve got to help him. Then I will honestly know I never let him down. He would have let us down (if it goes bad again)

I’ve order drug tests online and I’ll ask him to do these regularly now.

Having the children is so hard. That is exactly why we fight for our husbands. Because of our best bits or the children we made and we owe them. I owe my sons.

Having found out Friday he has done the following-

Changed his payment account from work to our joint ac, so I have his whole salary and will give him money when he needs it.

GP has been called and has organised blood tests for 7am tomorrow, ECG for lunchtime.

Self referred to NHS drug counselling/help team – awaiting a call back.

Told his sister (who I wouldn’t mess with! She is very high and mighty and went bloody ape shit)

Agreed to meet with my cousins (like brothers to me) on Thursday evening and talk. One was his best man at our wedding.

Friday go back to GP face to face appointment and I can attend.

Take drug tests whenever I ask. I’ve ordered them.

I’ve emailed his counsellor and she has replied to me. Not telling me anything just confirming that she believes he will do all he can to get help and fix this.

I’m exhausted

[ash2013]

Kklost,

I did know my husband did it socially in his 30’s. I got him help 8 years ago and he stopped for 2 years, in that 2 years we had a child. Things were good, he was and still is on medication for depression, i’m not sure which came first, the drug abuse or the depression…. Then for the last 6 years he’s yoyo’d on an off it. He made the mistake of believing he could do it every now and then and not spiral back to daily. He cant. Its like telling a alcoholic to have a glass of wine every now and then.

You are doing everything right, and you sound methodical in your approach. Just remember to take time for you, you’ll need it.

Take care of him and you, its not easy stopping the evil drug. He’ll probably need to distance certain people (you’ll probably know who they are) and really wont be able to drink alcohol, as thats a trigger which lets your guard down so he’ll be more likely to relapse if he drinks. I was never a big drinker, but I don’t drink now either. I don’t want to give him temptation.

Theres a timeline of recovery here https://addictionblog.org/infographics/cocaine-withdrawal-timeline/ and beware re the urine tests, my husband had been using daily for months, and the tests were still positive for about 10-14 days after he stopped.

Take care x

[ash2013]

Stress is also a trigger for my husband, I could see the last lapse happening before it happened. So the less stress he has the better.

Basically you have to be alert!

I’m sorry to hear about your business 🙁 Hopefully this will all be over and you will be able to rebuild it.

[kklost]

Ok thank you for the tip about 10-14 days!

I’ll def have a look at that timeline. I need things like that. I was so clueless I didn’t even notice these symptoms.

Yes I am a doer. I run my own business but that collapsed because of COVID so I am full time at home. Which has been hell on Earth with three small children. But now it’s all been put into perspective. COVID is a F@£&ing dream compare to the hell ive felt this last 3 day’s.

I will just keep doing what I can and pushing forward.

Must have been so hard for you when he was clean two years and then this started again. I can’t imagine the pain.

At least you knew before, I think then you could be a little more in the know. I was blind to that world. No one I know does it. None of his friends do it.

He does it alone to live/function. Now I know the ups and downs, I can watch a bit more.

Booze is a worry for me. I don’t drink and wouldn’t care if I ever had a cocktail again. But he loves a drink. He really likes it. This is a worry.

[ash2013]

He only needs it to function now as its taken hold. The GP will be a great help, my husband started taking anti -depressants and was clean for 2 years as I said before. The anti depressants will make him feel a bit ‘void’ no highs but no lows, so it will keep him steady. Alcohol is a depressant (i’m sure I dont need to tell you that) so if he can stop drinking too that will help with the depression.

Do you think there is an underlying angst going on here, I mean to have turned to it in the first place?

Can I ask when/where he was doing it? Do you know? If at work does he work alone?

[kklost]

There has to be underlining issues. I have no clue what they are and I think it will take years for that to come out.

He’s a liar first and then truth, but only when squeezed/caught out! But this is a whole another level.

He started counselling in Jan £100 a week!!! But only because my mum made him. He ruined our Christmas so badly and she was so shocked. Think that was the first time she was really aware of what he’s like to me.

Of what I know this started 2013, social stuff. Before going out and just party type atmosphere. Then I’m 2016 he really started doing it regularly but no events. This time line co insides with baby 2 and 3. Had them 22 months apart. Was hell.

Then he said 2019 he just started doing it all the time. So he could get up and function. But Dec-March was terrible and by bank statements he was doing £500 – £600 a month. But In May he did £1200 – Dec – current he’s spent £4200 on drugs.

I had no clue. He lied and said he was earning less money, so that’s how he got around it. He has a very good job (although lost 3 in last 6 years) but always reemployed within a few weeks/two months. As he has studied hard in our younger child free years. We have been together 22 years in August.

I’m terms of taking it, he said he always did it in the bathroom, or outside on the patio. But since COVID he has done it in our snug. It’s a brick built room (garage size) enough space for two computer desks and a corner sofa. When I went down there – there was empty beers/bottles of wine. A bin full of bloody tissues and he forgot there was more coke – but when he confessed it was there, it was all gone. So I think he forgot he used it up – which is scary!

Sunday he got pissed out of his head and puked everywhere.

Today he said he needs to get a handle of the booze. That is def an issue.

He had been given antidepressants but obvs no use.

But GP given sleeping pills now and then we need to do all the bloods/ecg tomorrow and re see GP Friday.

[kklost]

Ash – you words are so comforting!

[ash2013]

I’ve been through it over and over again Kklost, I feel strongly about helping people, and letting them know they are not alone. Its hard for the addict, but its equally as hard for those around them, and some people don’t see that. Especially hard for people with no support network, or nobody they feel they can talk to. I know I have a couple of friends who know everything, warts and all. But I couldn’t face telling my parents, my father would have literally lost it, he’s in his 70’s and I’m still his little girl, if he had half a clue it would be the end of any relationship between my father and my husband. He already has a dim view of my husband because he sees things, but doesnt see the whole picture, he sees enough to know when its happening I’m not being treated with respect and that is enough for him. If he knew it all, well….

[smithy]

My family wouldn’t understand because he has smoked weed the entire 9 years that we have been together and they have had to accept that but against their better judgement and now this and the way that he has normalised the smoking of weed they would literally be so angry and would never speak to him again I don’t think. They would judge me for allowing it in the first place and our families would be torn apart. The only thing that is that if he doesn’t give this up or relapses at some point then he will have to go and they would be there for me. That much I know. Although he has said often that he couldnt do this without me which I sometimes feel that is almost pressurising to not leave. My teenage daughter was talking to me earlier, she knows nothing about the cocaine but is fully aware of his weed smoking habit and she said something very poinient, she said that he has always said we are an open family and we don’t like taboo subjects but he has stepped way past the line and he has normalised his behaviour not the drug and its pros and cons as far as he is concerned there are no cons. That’s very sad and worrying that she thinks this. What the hell would they all think if this came to light, it would destroy him.

[kklost]

Hi smithy, must be so hard to not be able to tell your parents.

I have told three close friends and my family. If this goes wrong and he blows this chance I will tell the whole fucking world and their dog what he’s done. I said that today on the way to the hospital and he looked so shocked.

I want to scream, how are you shocked! You have no right!

But today was good, hospital went well and just got to wait for results.

Your daughter is bang on the money! It’s not alright, it’s not normal and it shouldn’t be accepted.

I’ve seen on here people full knowing about the party side of their partners cocaine and then it’s got so bad. I just couldn’t do that. So I’ve forced him to be a liar from day one! Because he would have always known he couldn’t have told me.

Just being let down now is the next fear… because then I’m testing my own bullshit, will I stick to leaving him. Right now, today I 100% sure I won’t stand by him if he uses again.

[smithy]

I’m glad you’re strong and you sound like you have some good friends and family to support you. My parents died when I was 20 and I have an older brother and sister who are quite religious which I am not so they wouldn’t get this at all. I feel that as the days go past its all been lessened and yet for me it hasnt. Last weekend he said he would get rid of all the paraphernalia associated with it that has been hidden around the house or garage but he didn’t so I did and then confronted him last night with why he hasn’t done it and he said because he was lazy and just hadn’t bothered. He understood why I was annoyed and thought if he meant it he would have done it.

We have a business together so we work together and I have noticed on some days he struggles so I think I will spot it if he’s using but I think if he was to do it again he would hide it a lot better. So I’m now like a hawk which is pretty shit

[kklost]

It’s exhausting to have to be the hawk.

I’m scared about that, as I had no idea at all my husband was a drug user. We have been together 22years and married 16. No clue whatsoever!

I don’t know his ‘tells’ or what I should look for in him. But I’m trying to piece it together when I have a chance to think of what he was like over time.

Your business together must make it quite difficult to have space from each other. But then again you can probably keep a much closer eye on him.

Does he do tests for you?

[smithy]

You will start to unravel things and behaviours thay will give you a clue

I now realise that when my husband was having problems sleeping was a cue, when he would be on his phone lots and just popping out. Although I didn’t realise he was picking it up when he was out on a bike ride which is sad. A side effect of the drug can often cause people to go to the loo ???? and my husband is a creature of habit so when he was doing that at different times is when I first started to wonder.

I have just ordered some tests and waiting for them to come. He originally said he would do them so I will surprise him with them. I don’t think he will buy any this weekend for fear of losing me but its in a week or sos time that he may faulter. As soon as I get an inkling I will ask him to do one and if he said no then that speaks volumes and he will have to leave.

[kklost]

Thanks smithy! You are totally right.

The pooping thing is so true! I remember a very disgusting time when he shit himself in the home office. I had only just remembered now! Christ how thick I was. That was last month.

What will you do if he refuses? If it’s positive?

[smithy]

He will be asked to leave as I don’t want to be forever looking over my shoulder and searching the house or constantly worrying if he is or not. Trust is massive for me, this is my second marriage and I’m heartbroken but I have been through the death of most of my family, a divorce and an emotionally abusive relationship and don’t want to keep going if he won’t try. What about you? Little things you’ll start to piece together and you may find you get really angry whilst it suddenly dawns on you. Situations you have given him sympathy for etc etc. What will you do?

[kklost]

I 100% don’t blame you for feeling like this. I get what you are saying.

I’m def piecing things together, I was angry but I’ve become less angry and more sad.

I’m quite a fiery person, so probably why my husband is a weaker type. We compliment each other. But now I had no clue how weak.

I am feeling exactly the same as you. I found out 29th May (I won’t ever forget date) and I could have just packed his bags then and there. But we have three sons together and I owe them to not leave him.

I’ve bought tests, first one he will do tonight. I’m hoping it will show positive. So then I can see a negative come.

Then if he fails a test from then on we will be finished. (I’m seeing the first three negatives as my full stop date… does that make sense?)

I bloody pray he isn’t like all the partners I’ve read about on here, relapsing time and time again. I hope that now it’s all in the open he will sort it properly.

For you this being a second marriage must be even harder. You were brave in the first place to marry again!

I doubt I’d ever want another man again. He’s all I’ve ever wanted, he isn’t perfect and drives me mad, but I honestly would never want anyone else. I’ve been with him since I was 18 and 22years is a crazy length of time to loose. I think if this ends I won’t be able to see him again, I’d cave in.

[ash2013]

You are doing the right things. Its hard being the partner, it is truly like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You begin to normalise things that aren’t normal, you become desensitised to situations to get through them.

Things to look out for are, lack of appetite, dilated pupils (depending which side they snort one eye will be more dilated than the other), different tone of voice, spending more and more time away from the house/working longer hours to stay away from where they know they can’t get away with doing it, inability to get up in the morning. There are so many differences between a clean person and someone who is using, you’ll notice if you tune in.

Keep smiling 🙂

[smithy]

I think 22 years is very long and you guys have done fantastically so it’s something worth fighting for as long as he wants to. The devastation must be so overwhelming for you. Sending you a huge hug ????

[dot]

Day 16 today for me being clean. I’m glad you are trying your best to work it out. It will be hard and tough but for me the hardest bit was first couple of days physically. The mental effects kicking in now and reality. Bits of anxiety creeping in and also night sweats and the worst dreams you can imagine. My wife just says it’s my fault and shes not arsed and take takes the mick to be fair she can be nasty. I told her yesterday that I respect her and I will respect her boundaries it’s not a control thing which is what police keep telling her. I see both sides now due to reading this forum. She just replied sounds like you need a mother. So yeah shes very resentful.

I hope he does his best to get off it. Friday and weekends were my triggers but I was on it every day till I I just stopped. I’m now looking into local authority help CGL who reopen monday and will start the CBT process and if I stick to the plan will send me rehab even though am abstaining I need the mental support

Its hard I was made homeless so am living in a hotel. Scared to message her as she using everything against me. All am saying is if you get a chance you take the opportunity. You have to be ready though as the first week the irritability, mood swings, and withdrawals are quite horrible. After that first week it’s like a cloud over your brain starts to clear up and you start seeing things different.

Regards Daz

[ash2013]

Well done Daz, I truly hope this is the beginning of the rest of your life. It worries me so much that kids dabble in this, not realising that it could take over your life.

My 18 year old daughter said she knows more people that do it, that don’t…. thats a shocking statistic! 18 years old with your whole life ahead of you, and you could f**k it all up, waste your money, become a slave to it, lie, cheat, turn into a different person…. and for what?

Stay strong, you have hurt your wife, she will need time. You have to remember that she has gone through this and if she takes you back too soon you’ll think you can do it again and she’ll just put up with it. You are doing the right things and you are doing a great job. Give her space, believe me, she wont be looking for a relationship, so dont worry about her getting with anyone else. She needs time to find herself again, living with an addict is exhausting and a massive headf**k.

Here if you need to talk about anything, and seriously, well done for taking these steps 🙂

[kklost]

Ash/smithy,

Thanks yes 22 years is long, we have achieved sooo much! And I’ve loved 99% of it. I said to my cousins who are like my brothers, if I’m not able to stay with him because he messes this is, then so be it. I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted to do. Only thing I’d like now is a mrs hinches style house… mine a mess and even worse with kids off, some hot holidays and sex… we have no sex… he can’t get it up! Then that’s it, happy days. I am a simple woman hahahahaha hahaha. I making myself laugh, sad times

Daz you really are brave to tell us all this l. I appreciate it hugely. I can’t say it was easy reading for me. I am so new to all this. I hope that you can do what you need too and get back what you deserve/need.

[ash2013]

I’ve known my husband 20 years, been together 15 and married 12.

At least you are able to laugh!! Don’t expect the sex to return with vengance….. ours hasnt!!

[kklost]

It’s a huge chunk of time and most people don’t make that! Even without these extra issues! So much history to just throw away.

[smithy]

My husband had me convinced he had errectile dysfunction and has been using viagra at the same time as being high, its been disastrous and hugley embarrasing. Ive been convinced it had something to do with me and then he wouldnt come to bed some nights and was sleeping downstairs and it was becoming more and more frequent i began to dread the thought of Fri eve and onwards. Last night i found another blade and place mat that he hadnt thrown away and i felt so angry that he just hadnt bothered we ended up in a huge row at midnight and he had the nerve to get angry and started packing some things to go. Currently we have his daugher here and mine so i said what was he going to tell them and he said he had no idea. I just felt so pissed off that he hadnt done anything to show that he means to not do this again. He had the nerve to say i was being out of order and was bringing it up. He didnt leave and we stopped arguing but i watched him on our outside camera around 12.40pm throw something in the bin and stand there for too long so i knew he was hiding what he had thrown away. This morning i looked and it was his cycling bag that fits under his saddle with another blade, two rolled up straws and some wrappers and a tube of lube. I know hes not high but the fact is i have been all over the house and garage and thought i had found everything but these appeared. Today he had to go out for work ,travelling for the day so i gave him a choice. He has been an addict on weed for 9 years and we have been through so much shit because of that and now this and he used coke in his previous marriage so this isnt a one off. So he has to get clean of everything or move out as i believe that if he continues with the smoking of the weed always justifying it then this coke addiction will come back easily. I am scared and so sad because i know that i will have to ask him to leave as i dont think he will do it. He has fought so hard to stay smoking the weed to the detriment of his children sometimes and this is his norm but now i dont trust him anymore at all and as much as i love him thats just not enough. I will 100% support him if he gets help and we can have a chance at a happy life where he can be the man i know he is without any highs. I hope he has it in him and that we are enough to want to try. I want this for him and he says he loves me and that giving up the coke will be easier than laying his life out bare and people judging him. I told him that people that help dont judge. Its his time now, i will watch and wait and time will tell.

My life has been hard and because of that im a fighter but i didnt want to remarry and have to fight ever again, i did enough of that in my previous marriage. I feel broken. I have decided to bite the bullet and ask to speak to my counsellor and admit to her what has been going on which im hugely embarrased about. I feel like i have enabled and even normalised at times which before i met him i wouldnt have ever. But i need someone to help me as i have so many emotions that i dont know what to do with.

If i tell my sister or brother they will tell me to kick him out and will be so worried if i dont . If he can make this then they would never speak to him again which wont help me

[bbb123]

Hi Kklost.

I am so sorry to hear what your going through.

I am afraid it won’t get easier for quite a while, it’s not just an overnight fix. However much I wish it could be.

I have tried to push my boyfriend to end his cocaine addiction for nearly 3 years now. Rehab, doctors, CA meetings, many other meetings, counselling. I took him out of the country for a month. It was amazing. The day we came home he used.

I’ve come to the conclusion I cannot save him, and if I continue down this path I will loose my own life and health.

I really hope he can beat this, but remember, you deserve happiness and a life without cocaine.

Take care x

[kklost]

Omg I feel for you! 3 years. That’s insane!! How do you stay with him. I am so sorry.

I will be ok if I left him. I will manage. But emotionally I won’t.

He can’t relapse and have me. It won’t happen. I trust I am that tough.

[kklost]

Smithy- he really sounds bad. It’s the fact that he wants it so much that you keep finding stuff that worries me. I completely understand about his proving it to you, he should be on his knees begging you, but he obvs doesn’t want too. He just wants these drugs. His lack of empathy towards his daughter would really annoy me! I would have a massive issue with that, the kids are so important.

Does your daughter say anything to you?

You 100% need to tell your counsellor and get their help.

I’ve decided we will need marriage counselling when I get us back on track moneywise.

The sex/viagra is same as us. But I didn’t know why. Does weed effect that?

I felt so unattractive and unloved. We were having sex once every 10 months. After the last time – which was really good – I cried in his arms. He said don’t cry, what’s wrong and I was honest and said, see you in a year. He said no it won’t be, it will change. It didn’t.

That really hurt me. But now I know why, it helps me realise it wasn’t me.

[dot]

I know a kid who died off taking a viagra on coke. It’s a different buzz apparently. Never tried it but apparently it’s dangerous and increases risk of heart attack even more…

[dot]

And coke just kills your ssx drive anyway eventually. Notice I’m getting mine back now though not gonna lie ????

[kklost]

DOT – that crossed my mind. I know I’m he’s used two viagra pills and was probably had traces of cocaine in his system at same time. He is one lucky bloke.

He had his ecg and it’s all normal. Again he is lucky! Done bloods and we are back to see GP tomorrow.

Can you explain your question about the drug tests?

I plan on testing him tonight for the first time. I hope that it is positive (last known drug use was Friday 29th May) so that when we do more I can see it be negative. Probably doesn’t matter as all need to be negative really. I going to keep a journal of all the tests he does and dates. Then he has a full record of his efforts. Also when time comes to tell harder family members we have a log.

[kklost]

The sex thing was killing me. I missed it so much, I wouldn’t say I couldn’t go a few weeks and not be bothered, but having nothing between us for a good four years has left me feeling rejected. I always felt it was my fault and now I don’t as much.

[dot]

Oh I see. Well he gets basically a free pass tonight. Coke stays in 3 to 5 days. That’s why every 3 days is best. Explain to him that he doesn’t have to worry about tonight’s test but future tests hes on thin ground. He will be very very irritable the next few days. Explain that if he disappears lt makes a “drastic” excuse that sounds a bunch of bollony you aren’t stupid. Just make it clear that you aren’t an idiot.

If tonight’s test comes ip negative which by all rights it should be very proud because he clearly is trying.

Regards

Daz

[dot]

Listen even me and my wife went down to like once a month in the end but 4 years is a long time. I was selfish aswell didnt try in the bedroom in the end I’ll be honest… I feel like a reborn stallion ????????

[kklost]

Thanks Daz

Yes my friend is a doctor and he said it could possibly come up positive as he did £1200 worth of coke in 6 days – looking at the bank statements.

In a way if it is I think it will be good for him to see.

Saturday and Sunday he was soo strange and I was majorly on edge. Sunday he got drunk and he hasn’t drunk booze in front of me since June, so I knew he was struggling. I said nothing and when he started puking I even sat with him and rubbed his back. Later that evening we had a two hour talk and he said he needed the booze to get over how he was feeling. I understood (ish) and said we need to address the booze. He hasn’t drunk more than two cans of Stella since that day.

He’s not left the house

He gives me his phone at night

I have his wallet

I have all his money in my bank ac

I have all our car keys

Yesterday he seemed a lot more him, today we even had a cuddle. He did try and kiss me but I can’t do it.

[kklost]

I think because of that crazy amount of coke – it’s the only reason he slipped up

[dot]

Cocaine kills your enjoyment in things. I’m starting to enjoy certain things again. Even been watching TV and I never could sit still long enough. I’m over eating like mad but I’m finding satisfaction and remembering stuff I used to enjoy.

Coke basically makes things seem boring or not interesting including sex.

I was snappy yesterday as I was on auto pilot due to tiredness of arguing over the kids for hours on end but I’m refreshed today.

Rule I use now

H hungry

A angry

L lonely

T ired

All them make you vulnerable. Hence why I got a good nights sleep and am on day 17

[dot]

No I’ve done that amount comedown for first few days is horrible. Tonight he will be very very vulnerable if you say them days are correct. Make sure he has multi vitamins and fruit juice today! If he tries starting an argument just tell him you understand how hes feeling but he can do it. I just used to get told to stop being a d*** head all my life.

[kklost]

Ok thanks that’s a good tip. When he talks and he says something I do think it’s true I say I believe you, I can see him react to that.

Last few days he has said the odd stupid comment and we have had small spats. But that makes sense with what you say.

Can I ask? How would he feel from that amount of coke….

He can’t have had more since Friday I assume!

[dot]

So he wont know this. His head will be very cloudy. He will be irritable as in very very bored. He will feel lethargic. He will also be thinking about getting some more but you have to tell yourself I can do this.

I suggest going for a walk together in the evening.

His receptors in his brain are blocked and he wont feel excitement or happiness. This is where the comments come in. If he creates an arguement he has an excuse to go out. You can take his wallet all you want if he wants it that bad he will get it. Just reassure him that if he goes another 7 days the physical cravings will disperse.

Dont mother him but make it clear you have a choice. You either try and you can do this with you or he can do it on his own and you have to be firm!!

He will of been down because he is feeling guilt for what hes spent. Reassure him you forgive him for that but you aren’t happy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting him off with it but you will move forward together and get through it.

Once that cycle of his guilt is broken the cycle is broken. I used to use then be on a comedown fell sorry for myself then use because I felt guilty and it would make me feel normal again. And it would repeat.

But like I said next couple of days are crucial

[dot]

Oh he needs to set some short term goals. Sit with him and help him.put it in his notes on his phone and give him something to aim for short term. Here is mine:-

1)I want to stop and be clean. Drugs have consumed everything you had. Sort your shit and sort your fucking life. Day number = Day 17

2)I want a permanent job (target on track jobs applied for) prove every single person wrong you have it it yourself to do this!

3)I want to be settled in my own house (target on track and should be done by 25th June)

4)I want a nice car

5) learn to look after yourself. Love yourself and love other people. Dont dwell on what you have lost but what you have got to look forward too. Learn to love life again without drugs.

6)I will be a good Dad

Achievement to be on track by september

I set them on 20th may things have changed they need updating a bit lol

[kklost]

Thanks so much for this! I appreciate it a lot.

The small goals is a good one. I think I will set goals for me too (goals with him in mind)

Your goals are brilliant and keep going. I think you stand a good chance of doing it.

He is doing anything I ask, maybe that’s why I am suspicious. He said he doesn’t want to leave the house either without me. We are going out tonight for a bit, so hopefully that will do him good.

He is up and down with the tiredness, but it’s getting better. He is eating for England and enjoying it. So that’s good.

It’s small steps

[dot]

Good you have something to strive towards ???? and if hes said that he sounds like he is really trying bless him. After 7 days he will bs a bit more clear headed. Reality is though its 10 weeks. Week 1 to 10 he will experience lack of sleep, vivid dreams, mood swings etc…

When he starts night sweats it means his liver functionality will be returning to normal this is common. He just has to ride it out. And routine is key especially what time to go bed and get up.

I was up till 4 am yesterday morning but I made sure I was out of bed at 7.30 hence why I slept last night.

Any questions at all am here

[kklost]

Gosh 10 weeks! Ok that’s a good thing to know.

We are seeing GP tomorrow about bloods, so let’s hope all clear.

Thank you x

[dot]

Update on me.

I have my apprenticeship in september that I’m starting.

I’ve also just been told I’ve got a job starting monday that I can stay till september.

I believe things do get better it just takes time.

With my ex wife am happy the way things are. I accept what’s happened and we can build a new life separately in the best interests of our children.

If I roll back a month I was being an arse snorting my life away.

Cant wait to get this new life going.

[ash2013]

Hey Dot,

Brilliant news! How exciting, your future awaits 🙂

See, there is a world ahead of you that doesn’t revolve around being an arse, ha.

Onwards and Upwards should be your motto.

[kklost]

DOT that’s amazing news!!!!! Well done you!!!

It’s all at your reach now, go grab it, enjoy it and let yourself smile

[ash2013]

Kklost,

How are you doing? x

[kklost]

I started a fresh thread. ‘He did a test’

[dot]

I was curious about this aswell but didnt want to ask

[kklost]

Can you see new thread? Thought it may be easier to follow if fresh.

[kklost]

Now into week 5! Where the hell has that time gone.

So far hubby is doing tests every 2 days and all 100% clean.

He’s started with a drug counsellor through the GP. He speaks to him once a week, but one of the weeks he was finding it hard, so he called and had an extra chat.

It’s been mega up and down. One week we were arguing so bad, I honestly thought we wouldn’t make it. His counsellor said this is normal and he was pushing me to kick him out: give him money to leave and then do his Cocaine… thankfully it didn’t come to that and we managed to get through it.

I have been offered Family support and spoke to them once a week. I’ve also taken all your advice and starting with a counsellor once a week. I have a lot floating around my head to get straight.

Social services has amounted to nothing and they don’t seem overally involved and said he can be with the children while I work. They said the drug tests has given them confidence that he will try and cooperate.

Thanks for all your advice! I honestly found it very hard to swallow, but it was so useful.

I pray as we are 6 weeks in that this carries on and we can get back on track.

[ash2013]

Hi Kklost,

I was so happy to read your update.

Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I know that honesty is the best policy, and that armed with everything you make better decisions.

Long may it continue x

[kklost]

Thanks Ash.

Yes god – what a bitter pill it is. Especially when you are clueless like me and totally kept in the dark.

I hope it will last, I hope he will keep this going. He knows this is a one time deal from me.

He isn’t drinking either, so that has really helped things.

Monday to Friday things are ok, it’s more the weekends with no routines that he finds hard.

[ash2013]

Naivety is nice, I wish I didn’t know what I know now. Because that would mean I hadn’t gone through all the crap I have 😉

Keep him busy, but not soo busy he has too much stress.

Not drinking will help too, alcohol will drop his guard. His conscious mind will not be fully in control if he drinks, and it would be easy to slip up. Unless you plan to watch him like a hawk if he has a few beers…. which is exhausting I can tell you.

Plus alcohol is a depressant, so that added to the fact he’s recovering so is potentially ‘down’ would be a recipe for disaster.

You’re doing well, keep smiling x

[kklost]

I was surprised he stopped drinking too. I think this is a huge shake up of his whole life.

He’s got a very high powered/pressured job and that was starting to unravel a bit. So so now that’s sorted, it’s his own mile stones to see he’s doing ok!

I agree it’s sad you know all you do, but I’m grateful for all your help. Honestly I have needed the help so much! Thank you x

[kklost]

Into week 8

He’s still clean. Doing tests every 2 days.

He is finally him. He is who I’ve married and who I love. I didn’t realise how much he had ‘gone’ – his demise was so gradual I hadn’t realised the signs.

We are still having cross words, but on such a normal level of fighting… putting bins out… over within minutes.

Social services have signed us off. Thank god. To be honest they were pretty naff, but I’m glad it’s done with.

He sat down with his mum and Sister and told them. That’s the only family members he has told, they were shocked but the power his mother has over him in immense so the fact he has told her shows me he is getting clean. She has never felt I was good enough for him and yesterday she said she couldn’t believe I have stood by him over this and wouldn’t have blamed me if I left him. Huge statement! As I’m the one who’s lucky to have him (normally) in her eyes.

I know ultimatums are NOT supposed to be a good idea and don’t usually work. BUT I am so glad I did. I could never have lived along side him being a druggie. I will not in the future either. If he ever relapses we are done…. no doubts for me.

I know so much more now than when I wrote my original post. I know that cocaine is disgusting and dangerous. I know I was naive and living a very sheltered life. I will make sure my sons are educated about the dangers of this drug and what damage it can do. Until 8 weeks ago I ‘thought’ I knew. I knew NOTHING!

I’m relieved, grateful and so so lucky he has chosen us. I am never ever going to take that for granted. I will appreciate that til the end of my days.

I am stronger, confident and know I can stand up to this with my head held high.

If this later on all falls apart so be it. But I am trying to not let negative worries ruin my now. I want to live more in the moment and try to enjoy this life. Make plans and do more fun things. Make the most out of stuff, which I honestly took for granted.

I start counselling of my own next week and this lady will continue with us as a couple when the time is right. I need professional support to work out the anger, the confusion side of it. But it’s 8 weeks in and I didn’t know where the hell I was gonna be 8 weeks ago.

Thank you all!

[kklost]

Week 10 –

Wow what a change. It’s been hard

But what a huge change. He is back and fully here. I now realise how bad it was and how it was so gradual… I hadn’t seen it. Hadn’t realised how bad it was.

He’s 100% clean, still taking tests every two day. He attends NA meetings. Speaking to the GP every two weeks. Having weekly drug counsellor sessions.

I’ve done counselling and sobbed through the whole session. But it’s done. We start couples counselling next week.

I didn’t think we would be ok. I didn’t think he could do it.

His sex drive has returned and it is so much better between us. I feel like we really have a connection again. I knew I missed it but didn’t appreciate how upset I was about that!

I think now it was all a huge cry for help (as well as pure selfishness) and now he has better support and I understand what’s going on I can help.

I think everyone was right when they said the person has to want to change. Without that you can’t make it happen.

It’s their journey and we are just dragged along!

[starlight-2]

I’ve read this whole post and I am so happy things are working out for you. I am new to this and yet to do my own post as I just don’t know where to start 🙁

[kklost]

Hi All, well we made the 12 week clean date!

I am so bloody happy. It’s been blood sweat and tears to get here.

We started couples counselling 5 weeks ago and now it’s down to one week us, then next him alone. We said we will keep this going until Christmas at least.

His drug counselling is nearly finished and they then move him onto groups counselling sessions. He needs these and so far responds really well to it all. I would never ever have said he was the kind of bloke who would take to any sort of therapy. Shows he needed it and still does.

12 weeks ago I was so terrified and had myself thrown into this new world and I hated him. If I’m honest I didn’t think we would make it. I was so sure he was relapse and give up on us.

He has admitted to having some really dark days but his boys have pushed him through it. I have never been more grateful in my life for my sons.

This fight isn’t over and I will never let my finger off the pulse now! Will always be on guard and watching. But I am def able to sleep better at night

Don’t give up hope!!!

[dot]

So glad to see he’s doing well. I’m reading my posts back when I was at day 14. I’m at day 105 now ???? and yes everything has changed my attitude. My sex drive. My ambition. My depression has gone and am happy.

Good luck with everything I’m really happy for you

[kklost]

Thanks DOT, your comments on my story have helped me so much. To get a mans point of view and how he may be feeling.

I wouldn’t say our sex life is amazing, but it’s better than what I’ve had for years on end.

No I am more educated on cocaine and what it’s all about I know I should have known, but I wasn’t part of this world and I’ve had to get into the ‘know’ and fast!!!

I think if the person in trouble wants help then it can be done. If they don’t – walk away and don’t look back.

I honestly count myself very very lucky!

[Author]

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