[wenray]

Hi there,

I have been married for 4 years today and my husband has always had a drinking problem.

He is high functioning. He has a successful job, drinks at home, no DUI etc. Not abusive (abusivly defensive if he’s drunk) Occasionally cooks and cleans but I am at the age where I need to consider having children before it’s too late. My husband would be a great dad but we can’t get past his drinking issues. He’s not a real bad drunk but a normal week he would be drunk 3 times a week and the rest of the days have 4 or so beers. He drinks about 5 days a week. It would be 7 but he tries not to drink every day to keep me happy. Last night, the day before our wedding anniversary, he was drunk by 4pm and he knocked a clothes peg on the ground under his chair. I asked him to pick it up so our dog wouldn’t eat it. Well this turned into a massive self entitled fight. All because he wouldn’t pick up a clothes peg. Even today (after 5 beer ) he thinks I should have picked it up.

Now all this may seem small and petty as I know most of you would have worse situations but I am booked into our first IVF appointment this Friday and as much as I want to start a family, if I can’t ask him to pick up a clothes peg, then I’m in real trouble if we have kids right? Any advice?

[r7byrne]

Hi, my one good advice for you is do not have a child with him. His drinking isn’t going to change because you have a child together, more than likely it will get worse as having a baby is stressful at the start

I feel for you I really do but do you want to bring a child up around that ?

Take care x

[nora]

Hi, I have 2 children with a man who has got progressively more dependent as our kids have grown. My advice would be to understand how a functioning alcoholic can make for a pretty disfunctional dad. Their first priority is drink and it will become more so as time goes by. My partner is not a bad parent but can he be relied upon. No. In my experience you will pretty much become more of a single mum as time ticks on. Kids take a lot of time and effort to raise and add to this the worsening side affects of alcohol on a partner and it becomes exhausting. Feeding, bedtimes, school runs and organising kids activities with a partner who may offer little support and who may not enjoy taking time out to help instead of drinking. Plus depression anxiety and mood swings that all alcholics carry with them and you will probably be held responsible for any additional family stress a child adds to his world. At first it may be great but in time it will worsen as drink gets more of a grip on him. My advice is functioning drinkers are good at hiding their dysfinction at first but the affect on others takes its toll long term. Absolutely your decision but go in with your eyes open. Will he give up drink to start a family? If not then safety of you and your child is your priority. If you go ahead be vigilant. Do not excuse any bad behaviour and curb his consumption around the child. Do not let him shirk the responsibility and if he comes up short as time goes by have an exit plan. I left my husband 3 years too late and although both me and my kids love him we have all suffered and been short changed due to his high functioning alcholism. For me personally taking on additional load along with the other effects of his illness pushed me to the edge. It was our normal but not something I would advise to anyone wanting a calm and stress free family life.

Good Luck x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Wenray,

Thank you for posting.I’m sorry to read your story and feel for you having to make the decisions you are facing.

If you would like to talk with people who may be able to help you find a way forward please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people who are dealing with a partner’s addictive behaviours. We have trained and experienced people who you could talk with if you get in touch. They will understand what you are dealing with and will also be able to signpost you to other services available for you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[12goat12]

I am a child of an alcoholic mother and as I do love her so much an alcoholic parents can do serious damage to a child. Children need consistency and your husband at this point wouldn’t be able to provide that consistency for them. My mom is also high functioning but as the years have progressed there were no set consequences for her so she has become less and less functioning. Your kids (like I do all the time) may feel as if there’s nothing they can do to help their father because believe me when they get old enough they will see the difference in their father when he is drunk

[Author]

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