[loveB4drugs]

Hello, I recently found this website and have been reading a lot of stories that i can certainly relate to on what’s going on between my boyfriend and i. I’m at the stage where i don’t know what i should do on giving him a chance or leave. This is our story, im hoping on receiving advice, feedback even more relative situations  from you guys. warning very long detail story in just a lil over 2 years. please read!!  xoxoxo

My boyfriend and i have started dating 2015, we were young freshly out of high school. I have never been into a serious relationship while he has been in those multiple short term ones. Six years go by, summer 2021, we have a two year old son, living in our second home together and we were in a rocky part of our relationship, continuous arguments, it was me that wanted to end the relationship at that time. i was at a point that i was finding any excuse on not being around him. I don’t know how to describe it at best, but i was tired of repeating the same routine everyday and i wanted something different. I selfishly thought about breaking up.
We broke up summer 2021, he tried so hard to stay together but i didn’t. i was in a confident state on already accepting the break up and go do what i want to do. (reminding you i never wanted a boyfriend because seeing relationships from my friends, it seemed emotionally miserable)

Summer 2021 is when he started using drugs. I left our townhome and moved into my parents which later on got my own apartment. He started hanging out with his cousin, who he was very close to growing up until he got into drugs. That caused fights between us, which led to us to stop speaking to each other. A month after i moved out i got a call from jail from him saying he has gotten raided in our apartment. His cousin ran away from halfway or something similar so he has a warrant out for his arrest. Also our nosey neighbor across her street had a camera facing our driveway and she reporter a complaint on frequent trafficking in and out of our apartment. (our garage was attached to our unit).

He was charged with Meth (M), and Marijuana. When i went to the apartment and went inside, i couldn’t believe how it looked. My boyfriend was the OCD type so we always did our cleaning after baby goes to bed, make beds everyday, never a full dirty basket, never dirty dishes in the sink type guy. (blessed lol) The apartment was trashed, multiple holes in the wall i remember seeing a a hole that looked like somebody was thrown into it. our kitchen literally looked like a meth lab like on a tv show. Most disgusting thing i ever saw, plus the dirt, mess, the apartment unit was destroyed literally. I helped him out on gathering his belongings and bringing it to his moms since he was in jail. and continued to not speak to one another till that coming october, ‘21.

We msged each other, i think i actually msged him. I missed him, i missed us. Us being apart made me realized how much i loved him. We decided to meet up one late night, we talked, good conversation felt like home.

He was going through court on his raided charge and he told me that he was struggling to get back sober after he got into meth. (also during our period of not speaking he hasn’t made effort to seeing our son) I took it as how he needed to get better for himself and get sober so i never complained about him not being around until it hit 6 months.

November 2021, we were casually talking and hanging out, he claimed he was sober and he drove to my work to give me vape juice for my vape. (we vaped our whole relationship, no cigs) and when he showed up i can tell how off he was. he was so sketched. i was concerned to have him drive back home since it’s a 25 min drive out of town. I told him to wait until i get off work so we can drive and follow each other back into town. After work we stopped at a gas station because he was low on gas and then we hopped on the interstate. (reminding you we are in two seperate vehicles. This guy had the nerve to text me saying “let’s race?” and next i see is him flying passed me. He ended up speeding past a parked state patrol and instead of stopping, he fled. me driving behind, i’m watching the cop turn his lights on and chase him. they were going so fast i lost sight of them in 10 seconds. I was crying for how stupid he was. i was also scared. Five minutes later i see a crash, he crashed his car, totaled. he was perfectly fine tho by the time i got there i see him in the cop car already. but i didn’t stop i just drove him, i was angry. Charged with fleeing, and (M) in his car. I was upset, he wasn’t like this before drugs, now he has such crazy felony charges on him.

We kept talking and finally decided to get back together around christmas, promised each other no drugs, alcohol. After our break up i got really heavy into alcohol, wine and a couple shooters was in a night time routine after i put baby to bed. No more drugs or alcohol. that’s when the secrecy came in.

I noticed the little signs of him using but wasn’t for sure because i haven’t found evidence. He would come to sleep over and by 3-4am, he would leave while i was asleep. I caught on how he never slept, was always awake. He started accusing me on talking to other guys, which i started accusing him for talking to girls. One night he fell asleep and his phone was unlocked, i went into it. i saw he texting his ex’s, saw the messages between him still getting (M). i was livid. The morning came and we argued, but i still forgave him.

February 2022 i find out i’m pregnant with our second child, i was happy and he was too bc we talked about having another one. but he was in addiction, all the way till May, it was constant him leaving and not telling me, secrets, even him hearting other girls pictures. Being pregnant, i cried everyday, because it was always something every week of him betraying me in some sort way. lying on how he’s sober when it’s so clear he wasn’t. We were together but he barely came around and when he did he would come at bedtime, wait for me to fall asleep then leave. One night he was heading over to my house, next thing i get a call and he was in panick mode just telling me he’s sorry over and over. something happened and then the phone call ended. He fled from another cop, going 65mph in town and crashed into a semi. once again he was perfectly fine, did have to go to ambulance, just bruised his pelvic area. He was charged with fled and (M). went to Jail for a few days afterwards.

I finally had enough, i felt unwanted. I found out the days i spent with him in the hospital, he was liking and talking to girls on social media. I’m carrying his second child and he’s doing this to me. He blocked me on social media, saying he deactivated it for a few days just to find out he was posting how he’s single and such. I stopped talking to him, i went ghost. i deactivated all my social media platforms because i didn’t want to see him trying to get girls/ moving on.

I would get messages during the middle of the night, some were hate and some were apologizes. I still didn’t reply. Kept in touch with his mom which took our son once a week to spend time with him. At first it was hard i was depressed, i cried for two weeks straight. looking at the messages he sent wanting to reply but didn’t want to at the same time. i was angry, i was hurt.

September 2022, i get a call randomly, i only had a month left before baby number two. i felt better, i still had anger and rage towards him but i stopped thinking about him constantly. I call a voicemail and it was from a rehab, treatment center. it was from him. It was a long message about how he’s sorry, the regret he had for choosing drugs and admitted he couldn’t get sober without help. so he put himself in rehab. I was proud, i visited him once or twice a week till baby came on halloween. He was there, he looked better, happier. He was only in rehab for 10 weeks and he told me one night that he’s struggling, he stated he needs help to not relapse.And so dealing with court, he was sentenced to a longterm program at a state rehab and corrections facility. He left right after New years 2023.

Those 2 month period taking care of a newborn and him out of rehab, being involved and helping, also working. I caught him one time in the bathroom. i was disappointed, anger came but i didn’t let out. i just simply grabbed it with a towel wrapped it up crushed it in front of him and disposed it out of our house. including the bag. He didn’t say a word, i didn’t say anything to him. We ended up not talking about it at all. after that, he put more hours into work to keep him busy and tired.

From new years to now, we kept in touch, calls only. being together, it was hard taking care of two kids but his mom helped me out a lot since he’s gone. my family is a big help as well.

Overtime of him being away, i have found myself. i was happy, started going to gym first time ever, hu bc out more with my only two mom friends, and spending a lot of time with my grandma. i felt, relaxed. i felt stress free, i had so much emotions since summer when we broke up, stress, anxiety, anger, sad, depressed, everything. and it didn’t stop till this year.

He called me few days ago saying he’s coming back home october 3rd. First reaction was excitement, happy he’s coming home. to go back how we were since he’s sober and had determination to being sober for a year now. I don’t see him going back to (M). He kept telling me how he hated what he was going through, how something like this can ruin your whole life. Not just the drug but actions because of it, the multiple felonies now in just a year span. He hated the drug, said he sees it as ‘if you want to ruin your life, do (M)’. He left weighing around 140 and he’s back to 170 now.

the advice i need is that, yes i’m excited and want to go back to how we were before the drug, because we were happy and succeeded so much together. But there’s a part of me that is somewhat traumatized about what i dealt with during that year. I never want to go thru that again, i don’t deserve to be treated that way the way he did to me during him on drugs. Use to think i couldn’t live without him, i love him and i want us. But since he’s been away, I didn’t realize till now how much of a better person i became by myself. Going to gym, better eating, more active. my son joined soccer this year. getting ready 4-5x a week. Seeing how i found myself again after what we been through i’m nervous on what will happen when he comes back home. i except him being sober i have no doubt. but, there’s a chance. two paths he can choose to take. and do i want to risk my feelings, mental health, everything i finally got back to feeling like a normal person again, to be with him again. I do, but i don’t. i love him so much but i don’t want to go thru that again, it’s not even the drugs part. it’s all the emotions i went through and it never stopped. It’s a risk on starting back to square one, and i hope, and pray it won’t. thank you for reading my story of loving an addict that’s determine to recover.

[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Leashy:  Your story is similar to mine. I was where you are, but that was about 35 years ago.  Except at that point, we were married and living together. I remember thinking that if I get to the point where I left him, I was never going back.  Up to this point I was all in and with our very young children.  So scared with no resources.  He quit the coke, and we moved on.  He worked hard, I got a job, and we took care of each other and our children. We have had a loving and happy life together all these years.  Since those days I have kept most of my financial life separated from his, which he didn’t agree with and complained about for years. My advice . . . If you decide to go back – don’t.  Instead go forward, either with him or without him.  Chose your terms and stand fast.  Being in love with an addict is something that I had to accept. Walk into it with your eyes wide open.  You already know what can happen. I suspected that he was cheating on me all those years ago and he did.  I believe that he hasn’t cheated since the coke days.  And, I believe that he has great remorse for that.  He did use coke again twice in all these years, but he hasn’t relapsed in all these years.  His addiction has presented itself with gambling off and on in recent years, though not currently.  You have created a safe space for you and your children.  Don’t give all of that up. You will know what decisions to make. It’s not just one decision.  He has traumatized me for sure and still it surprises me what he has put himself through, what he has put me through, what he has put our children through, what he has put his parents through.  Why did all that happen to us?  He will say, ‘I f—-d up’.  That’s his whole answer.  Nobody did anything to him that he can blame it on, nobody died, there was no catastrophic event. One day he did coke with his buddies – and, then 5 years later – he quit.  It’s not our whole story.</p>

[Paul-]

In reply to…..Should I Stay With Him…..

 

 

In the beginning, you were ‘high school sweethearts’ and this was your first relationship. For both of you….A new adventure. You stayed together, made a home and had a child.

However. As with many young couples, family and home life created pressures and put a strain on the relationship. Not surprisingly, constant arguing and the other insurmountable pressures of domestic life (and a young child to care for) only created that desire to end the relationship.

 

Your partner worked hard and tried his hardest to help but for you, being alone at home all day with Baby crying became an emotional and physical strain.

 

Even a sympathetic partner doesn’t quite understand how the other feels being at home all day. Sadly, this lack of understanding only meant that at the end of a busy day, the arguments borne out of frustration became a daily routine. He didn’t understand …..Couldn’t quite grasp how you really felt. As tensions grew at the end of each day, it got harder for you to be around him and always so close.

 

You broke up in 2021, after your mind was made. Yet your boyfriend had a hard time handling the break-up and it showed…..He so wanted the relationship to continue.

For you, it was a new beginning. Yet for him, it was the point that lead him to taking drugs and self-neglect. Your boyfriend saw no future before him as you were his world.

He hung out with his cousin, had people round, yet he felt lost.

 

The drugs, self neglect, wreckless behaviour and the trashed house were like a form of emotional blackmail, as if intentionally you were to witness it all before you….Like a type of ‘guilt trip’.

 

Maybe it was the influence of his cousin (who ran away to avoid arrest), combined with your partner’s deeper life issues that lead to him taking the drugs.

His addiction quickly progressed. Your partner still lived at the house after you moved out and that was when this ‘nosey neighbour’ called the police, leading to a raid and drugs being discovered.

 

It’s worth mentioning the state of the house, as if your boyfriend serously wanted you to discover what was going on in order to create deep feelings of guilt within you….You were meant to see the wrecked house as if on purpose.

You helped gather his belongings to take back to his mother’s place and yet – even when he’s totally struggling with all his chaos – your partner somehow finds a way for you to be in the right place, at the right time to give him help.

You wanted to go back as a couple and the struggle to get back sober (of drugs) was always to be a challenge and unfortunately, he didn’t spend time with his child.

 

He was high on drugs when he drove to your workplace that day, yet it seemed convenient for him because he got the timing just right. Whilst you were at work, he chose to come and see you whilst high on drugs and managed to drive there just in time for you to see him that way (causing you to worry and pity him).

 

Your partner used a kind of emotional blackmail.

 

Your boyfriend was able to connect to that very small spark that resides deep inside you because you felt regret at not having him in your life.

 

He knew you’d help him drive home.

 

Maybe it was the drugs….He decides to ‘race you’ at full speed past a parked police car.

 

Understandably, you were very upset and crying and couldn’t help thinking how stupid he was.

Was he being stupid?….Or very clever.

 

Madness can disguise brilliant cleverness and the ability to manipulate others – in particular when they want something so bad they’ll do anything for their desire.

 

The race, speeding past the police car and being chased were done just at the right time for you to witness everything….Causing him minimal injury yet for you, maximum psychological distress.

 

At Christmas you get back together and promise each other you’ll not take any drugs or alcohol.

 

People think leaving a drug re-habilitation clinic after a course of treatment means immediate cure.

Should they go back for more treatment, they are considered not having the will-power to overcome their addiction

 

Unfortunately. It’s more complicated as limited time and resources mean only a limited understanding of the service user’s deeper problems.

 

His irregular sleep patterns could have been the result of his addiction. The accusations and texting other girls were staged events to stimulate your emotions….That weren’t the drugs, it was a skillful undertaking on his part.

 

Time moves on and you are expecting your second child in Febuary 2022.

 

Again. Restricted help to overcome your partner’s addiction meant he was still taking drugs and trying to fight it.

He was excited about the new arrival….Yet still more problems….

 

The lies, deception…..

 

He always knew you were serious about leaving him and living your own life….

Convieniently, there’s that familiar call from your partner in a distressed state telling you he crashed his car.

 

No serious injuries but there’s the turmoil burdened upon your shoulders.

 

Whilst you keep watch over him in your very distressed state, he manages to use social media to talk to other girls.

 

Another act to sabotage your future plans (again).

 

Blocking you on social media will have caused you some emotional distress – hence another clever way to weaken your emotional defenses. By telling everyone he’s single and you finding his phone (intentionally staged), you will have become emotionally weaker and vulnerable to manipulation.

 

He wanted you to discover the content/communications on his phone.

 

You tried to ‘ghost’ him in retaliation – only this act will have meant you forfeiting your online/digital social life and communication opportunities with friends, family and work colleagues. He was testing your reaction and at the same time gaining control because he will have become more a more central part of your attention.

 

No social media….No focus on other’s lives, but his.

 

With only a month to go before the birth of your second child, your partner contacts you from the re-hab centre. He was still struggling with addiction…..As always….Back to drugs but not addressing the issues.

 

Despite all his turmoil, he cleverly contacts you at the exact point of vulnerability.

 

He required deeper treatment, or to put it another way – longer time in re-hab without the drugs.

 

Afterwards. He kept busy looking after the children, working and helping in the house. These would have been positive ‘distractions’….

 

Yet the distractions eventually become a constant reminder….The destractions are to try and forget about the drugs and not deal with the problem.

 

Trying to forget only strengthens the memories and trying not to think about something only encourages you to think even more….This was demonstrated the day you caught him in bathroom….

 

It’s again about not dealing with the underlying causes of his addiction in the first place.

 

You’ve since separated and been raising the children with help from family.

 

Life’s been easier, less depression, less stressful, more productive and less emotional since your partner has not been so involved in your life.

 

Your partner calls home to announce his return.

 

Will your partner return to the drugs? Take a step back to examine the past. How have things changed?

 

Do you feel history will repeat itself?

 

He’s been sober for a year now and focused on returning to you – and that focus has kept the drug cravings at bay.

 

Everything you went through were as a result of his addiction.

 

Your partner views the drugs from his own perspective, yet doesn’t appreciate full impact upon you.

 

Without him you have thrived and so have the children, therefore take a look at how your life is now, compared to being with your partner.

 

Your partner’s issues have been there before you met him and have never been addressed.

 

He’s been receiving treatment to overcome the physical dependency on the drugs but not the underlying, lifelong causes.

 

As you’ve written, he has a choice…..Two paths……

 

Perhaps a compromise could be arranged, such as allowing him to visit you and the children for a couple of days a week.

 

This will give you some personal space and your partner the opportunity to keep working on being sober.

 

The visits will be an incentive to stay sober….Though not the same as tackling the true, underlying reasons for your partner’s addiction and his behaviour.

 

Your partner needs counselling to go deeper into his issues of insecurity, addiction, the erratic behaviour and so on….

 

This will be the only way forward if you want to become a couple.

 

It’s a situation your boyfriend must accept and it’s now his responsibility to choose a drug-free life, if he wants be a part of your family. He has a choice to make and there’s at least some opportunity to be a part of your family.

 

It’s down to him because he’s the only one that can change.

 

 

 

 

 

Paul……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Author]

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