[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Leashy:  Your story is similar to mine. I was where you are, but that was about 35 years ago.  Except at that point, we were married and living together. I remember thinking that if I get to the point where I left him, I was never going back.  Up to this point I was all in and with our very young children.  So scared with no resources.  He quit the coke, and we moved on.  He worked hard, I got a job, and we took care of each other and our children. We have had a loving and happy life together all these years.  Since those days I have kept most of my financial life separated from his, which he didn’t agree with and complained about for years. My advice . . . If you decide to go back – don’t.  Instead go forward, either with him or without him.  Chose your terms and stand fast.  Being in love with an addict is something that I had to accept. Walk into it with your eyes wide open.  You already know what can happen. I suspected that he was cheating on me all those years ago and he did.  I believe that he hasn’t cheated since the coke days.  And, I believe that he has great remorse for that.  He did use coke again twice in all these years, but he hasn’t relapsed in all these years.  His addiction has presented itself with gambling off and on in recent years, though not currently.  You have created a safe space for you and your children.  Don’t give all of that up. You will know what decisions to make. It’s not just one decision.  He has traumatized me for sure and still it surprises me what he has put himself through, what he has put me through, what he has put our children through, what he has put his parents through.  Why did all that happen to us?  He will say, ‘I f—-d up’.  That’s his whole answer.  Nobody did anything to him that he can blame it on, nobody died, there was no catastrophic event. One day he did coke with his buddies – and, then 5 years later – he quit.  It’s not our whole story.</p>

[Paul-]

In reply to…..Should I Stay With Him…..

 

 

In the beginning, you were ‘high school sweethearts’ and this was your first relationship. For both of you….A new adventure. You stayed together, made a home and had a child.

However. As with many young couples, family and home life created pressures and put a strain on the relationship. Not surprisingly, constant arguing and the other insurmountable pressures of domestic life (and a young child to care for) only created that desire to end the relationship.

 

Your partner worked hard and tried his hardest to help but for you, being alone at home all day with Baby crying became an emotional and physical strain.

 

Even a sympathetic partner doesn’t quite understand how the other feels being at home all day. Sadly, this lack of understanding only meant that at the end of a busy day, the arguments borne out of frustration became a daily routine. He didn’t understand …..Couldn’t quite grasp how you really felt. As tensions grew at the end of each day, it got harder for you to be around him and always so close.

 

You broke up in 2021, after your mind was made. Yet your boyfriend had a hard time handling the break-up and it showed…..He so wanted the relationship to continue.

For you, it was a new beginning. Yet for him, it was the point that lead him to taking drugs and self-neglect. Your boyfriend saw no future before him as you were his world.

He hung out with his cousin, had people round, yet he felt lost.

 

The drugs, self neglect, wreckless behaviour and the trashed house were like a form of emotional blackmail, as if intentionally you were to witness it all before you….Like a type of ‘guilt trip’.

 

Maybe it was the influence of his cousin (who ran away to avoid arrest), combined with your partner’s deeper life issues that lead to him taking the drugs.

His addiction quickly progressed. Your partner still lived at the house after you moved out and that was when this ‘nosey neighbour’ called the police, leading to a raid and drugs being discovered.

 

It’s worth mentioning the state of the house, as if your boyfriend serously wanted you to discover what was going on in order to create deep feelings of guilt within you….You were meant to see the wrecked house as if on purpose.

You helped gather his belongings to take back to his mother’s place and yet – even when he’s totally struggling with all his chaos – your partner somehow finds a way for you to be in the right place, at the right time to give him help.

You wanted to go back as a couple and the struggle to get back sober (of drugs) was always to be a challenge and unfortunately, he didn’t spend time with his child.

 

He was high on drugs when he drove to your workplace that day, yet it seemed convenient for him because he got the timing just right. Whilst you were at work, he chose to come and see you whilst high on drugs and managed to drive there just in time for you to see him that way (causing you to worry and pity him).

 

Your partner used a kind of emotional blackmail.

 

Your boyfriend was able to connect to that very small spark that resides deep inside you because you felt regret at not having him in your life.

 

He knew you’d help him drive home.

 

Maybe it was the drugs….He decides to ‘race you’ at full speed past a parked police car.

 

Understandably, you were very upset and crying and couldn’t help thinking how stupid he was.

Was he being stupid?….Or very clever.

 

Madness can disguise brilliant cleverness and the ability to manipulate others – in particular when they want something so bad they’ll do anything for their desire.

 

The race, speeding past the police car and being chased were done just at the right time for you to witness everything….Causing him minimal injury yet for you, maximum psychological distress.

 

At Christmas you get back together and promise each other you’ll not take any drugs or alcohol.

 

People think leaving a drug re-habilitation clinic after a course of treatment means immediate cure.

Should they go back for more treatment, they are considered not having the will-power to overcome their addiction

 

Unfortunately. It’s more complicated as limited time and resources mean only a limited understanding of the service user’s deeper problems.

 

His irregular sleep patterns could have been the result of his addiction. The accusations and texting other girls were staged events to stimulate your emotions….That weren’t the drugs, it was a skillful undertaking on his part.

 

Time moves on and you are expecting your second child in Febuary 2022.

 

Again. Restricted help to overcome your partner’s addiction meant he was still taking drugs and trying to fight it.

He was excited about the new arrival….Yet still more problems….

 

The lies, deception…..

 

He always knew you were serious about leaving him and living your own life….

Convieniently, there’s that familiar call from your partner in a distressed state telling you he crashed his car.

 

No serious injuries but there’s the turmoil burdened upon your shoulders.

 

Whilst you keep watch over him in your very distressed state, he manages to use social media to talk to other girls.

 

Another act to sabotage your future plans (again).

 

Blocking you on social media will have caused you some emotional distress – hence another clever way to weaken your emotional defenses. By telling everyone he’s single and you finding his phone (intentionally staged), you will have become emotionally weaker and vulnerable to manipulation.

 

He wanted you to discover the content/communications on his phone.

 

You tried to ‘ghost’ him in retaliation – only this act will have meant you forfeiting your online/digital social life and communication opportunities with friends, family and work colleagues. He was testing your reaction and at the same time gaining control because he will have become more a more central part of your attention.

 

No social media….No focus on other’s lives, but his.

 

With only a month to go before the birth of your second child, your partner contacts you from the re-hab centre. He was still struggling with addiction…..As always….Back to drugs but not addressing the issues.

 

Despite all his turmoil, he cleverly contacts you at the exact point of vulnerability.

 

He required deeper treatment, or to put it another way – longer time in re-hab without the drugs.

 

Afterwards. He kept busy looking after the children, working and helping in the house. These would have been positive ‘distractions’….

 

Yet the distractions eventually become a constant reminder….The destractions are to try and forget about the drugs and not deal with the problem.

 

Trying to forget only strengthens the memories and trying not to think about something only encourages you to think even more….This was demonstrated the day you caught him in bathroom….

 

It’s again about not dealing with the underlying causes of his addiction in the first place.

 

You’ve since separated and been raising the children with help from family.

 

Life’s been easier, less depression, less stressful, more productive and less emotional since your partner has not been so involved in your life.

 

Your partner calls home to announce his return.

 

Will your partner return to the drugs? Take a step back to examine the past. How have things changed?

 

Do you feel history will repeat itself?

 

He’s been sober for a year now and focused on returning to you – and that focus has kept the drug cravings at bay.

 

Everything you went through were as a result of his addiction.

 

Your partner views the drugs from his own perspective, yet doesn’t appreciate full impact upon you.

 

Without him you have thrived and so have the children, therefore take a look at how your life is now, compared to being with your partner.

 

Your partner’s issues have been there before you met him and have never been addressed.

 

He’s been receiving treatment to overcome the physical dependency on the drugs but not the underlying, lifelong causes.

 

As you’ve written, he has a choice…..Two paths……

 

Perhaps a compromise could be arranged, such as allowing him to visit you and the children for a couple of days a week.

 

This will give you some personal space and your partner the opportunity to keep working on being sober.

 

The visits will be an incentive to stay sober….Though not the same as tackling the true, underlying reasons for your partner’s addiction and his behaviour.

 

Your partner needs counselling to go deeper into his issues of insecurity, addiction, the erratic behaviour and so on….

 

This will be the only way forward if you want to become a couple.

 

It’s a situation your boyfriend must accept and it’s now his responsibility to choose a drug-free life, if he wants be a part of your family. He has a choice to make and there’s at least some opportunity to be a part of your family.

 

It’s down to him because he’s the only one that can change.

 

 

 

 

 

Paul……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Author]

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