[harris]

I have stood by and tried to support my partner as he became hooked on crack and cocaine for 9 years.

He comes home from rehab today, after a 4 week stint.

Sorry, I should have said ex-partner, because he decided we should split up last weekend.

Now I am stuck.

Nine bloody years I have put up with the mental and emotional abuse.

Nine bloody years I have worried and stressed over whether he is going to finally OD.

Nine bloody years I have cried.

For seven of those nine bloody years nobody in his family knew anything about it.

It was me.

Just me.

Now, just when I think that maybe it is all going to be OK; it isn’t.

In the course of those nine bloody years, I left our home for one of my own, but we stayed together. It actually worked, although in hindsight it probably worked better for him because he knew I would go bat-poo if he brought drugs into our home.

I want an apology for those nine bloody years. I want an explanation for why he thinks it’s OK to abuse me. I want to know why, when I repeatedly told him during those nine bloody years to leave me alone because I didn’t want to be with a drug addict, he refused to take any notice of me. I began to wonder if I had imagined actually saying it.

I want him to know how it feels to be me.

I also know that it probably isn’t going to happen, but his behaviour and his addiction – or at least my reaction to it – has caused me to suffer from mental health issues. I want my “sorry”, because I can’t move forward and if I can’t move forward I am going to be stuck like this and I don’t want that. Nine bloody years I feel like I wasted, and I don’t want to waste any more, but I feel like it’s all about him and what a clever boy he is for going to rehab, but me? Sidelined. It just doesn’t feel fair.

Am I being a whinger? Should I just put on my “big girl pants” and try to scramble out of this hole I am in?

I really want to do what is best for me……but I don’t know what that is.

[redfox20]

Hi so sorry that he has done this to you, I know drugs change people they become so selfish. I’m in a similar situation just that mine has left home and is isolating and ignoring me and our two children we’ve been together 9 years too so many memories but I don’t look at the past anymore read a good thing on here saying look at the man in front of you now sadly that’s who your dealing with. I would concentrate on yourself after putting him first for so many years you deserve that. Don’t dwell on anything he says, and take each day as it comes no one knows what the future will hold whether he will be in your life or not but sometimes we have to let go as painful as it is I’m trying to do this myself and let my partner hit rock bottom as I’ve made contact since he left we have spoke briefly but nothing since so letting him be with he’s addiction I still love him but it’s not my fault neither my problem. Take Care x

[hamstring]

Why silently scream? Let it out! I hear you, and some! I hope you feel so much better for that beautiful rant, because you deserve it after what you’ve been through. Part of good rehabilitation is making amends, but don’t hold your breath. What Redfox says goes too, and I’ll apologise if you want another, because no human being should go through what you did. Having a husband who has passed, and a 32yr old daughter, both having a variety of addictions, I know it can be so easy to live their lives for them, keep their ‘secrets’, and destroy yourself at the same time. A major casualty of the affects of addiction on me was on my self-esteem. On my road to recovery from the effects of their illness I have been so mad I let it happen on my watch. I didn’t cause it – I need to ‘forgive’ myself.

Focus on caring for yourself now; and you’re free to do exactly that. You’ve gone through 9 years of hell, whilst living, and being responsible for, 2 lives – and survived! You don’t need Big Girl Pants – you’re already wearing them. Stay safe, take care x

[thelostone]

I feel so sorry for you. I also relate to what you’ve written. I have done 2 years with a crack addict, who is literally waiting on a phone call to say he’s off to a rehab centre. He had been clean for 4 weeks I believe (got his act together, started eating, going gym, paid off debts).. yesterday he went and used. It has utterly devastated both his sister and myself. I feel I came out of the tunnel I was in – on the end of his abuse and chaotic lifestyle. I became mentally and physically ill. But I’ve also learned a lot very quickly, and hope I can offer you these words:

* 4 weeks in rehab is virtually nothing. The chances of him using are around 99%

* An addict has virtually NO insight into their behaviour or their impact on loved ones. They live with lies and denial, which starts with lying to themselves, and invalidating the views and feelings of those around them. You CANNOT rationalise with an addict. ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind’ – does this seem familiar to you? This is what they do to you. So.. until he is truly clean, he will not have the insight or emotional range to realise the damage he has done, and you probably won’t get your apology. One day you might, but don’t sit waiting for it. It is highly likely he will use again, and an addict will not let go of the people that love and care for them. They always find their way back. They use drugs, and people.

* If you want to do what is best for you, try to reclaim your mental health – as I am doing (again) right now. Look after yourself, sleep well, eat well, exercise (this is very good for mental health and to boast your immune system and mental reserves). Make your number one priority YOU. If only for now, focus on YOU. I did this recently, cutting off from my partner/ex-partner for 12 weeks. I got myself fit again, stopped drinking and binge eating, and got back my peace of mind. Like you, he found his way back into my life by saying he was getting clean. Yeah.. until yesterday when he decided to destroy the little trust we’d rebuilt over 4 weeks.

I am so sorry you invested 9 years of your life. That is a LONG time. Surely now is the time to focus on you. And by the way, your feelings matter. Don’t ever minimise the impact this has had on you. Because supporting an addict is the toughest thing you will ever try to do. You keep running inside the burning building to drag him out, but he keeps running back. How many times do you want to keep running in before you realise you are being burned?

Best for you, reclaim your peace of mind, and health. If you have those two things, you have everything. I send you healing thoughts my love. x

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