[spottyleopard]

Hi there,

I am a newbie looking for advice please.

I have a sister who has had drug and alcohol issues for over 30 years. I’m aware she’s been in rehab twice – the last time was over two years ago and she appears to be clean at present.

I hadn’t seen her for over 4 years partly down to her drug use, I live far away and covid.

We recently met up and it didn’t go well. She is blaming her ex husband for her drug use (he drank but didn’t do drugs ) and saying how his treatment of her made her use. Previously it was my father’s failing health and the stress she was under… (she had issues with drugs long before my dad died)

What I’m trying to understand is whether recovering addicts blame themselves for their addictions or whether addicts are victims.

If I’m honest I always thought that addicts tried to make amends for their past or is that my romantic view? Am I wrong to have hoped my sister would own her issues and say ‘I’m sorry – I’ve been a nightmare for years and I’m now trying to get my stuff together’.

What are other peoples experiences?

Thanks

[jamesb]

Hi mate I hope you’re okay,

I’m going to respond to this because I feel like the question you’re asking is a quite a hard on to answer and I know how hard it is to reach out and I wouldn’t want your questions going unanswered.

That’s a tough one because I can only go from my personal experiences.

When I was using, if I’m honest I always knew I was at fault and to blame but I would still when confronted blame everyone else but myself. I hid my drug addiction itself but when my partner would confront me for why I was “working” so much (I wasn’t as work of be in my van sat doing drugs alone) I would say she’s wrong for questioning me when I’m out working all hours trying to make a better life for us.

When I’ve been in recovery and been able to think with a clearer head. I’ve opened up and been more honest with people about what was really going on.

In regards to wether addicts blame themselves for their addiction or if they see themselves as victims….

Of course I blame myself, as much as it is an illness, I could have taken steps to resolve my issues much earlier. But equally there is an element of understanding I wasn’t in my right mind and the addiction took a hold of me.

I think any recovering addict would agree there is a werid mix of self accountability to a point but then the addiction takes over. I certainly carry alot of guilt over my addiction and things it made me do but also I do want people to understand that I was suffering from an illness in that part of my life and that person who did certain things wasn’t “me”

I hope that makes some sort of sense to you x

[spottyleopard]

Hello Jamesb, thank you for taking the time to respond.

I completely get it’s an illness but it’s her lack of self accountability that I’m struggling with. She blames her relationships with our mother, the family and her ex husband as her reasons for using and is thus a victim of her circumstances.

Granted I was only with her for a short time but she expressed no guilt for her part and I find this strange. She’s completely splintered my family over the years with her lies and manipulations and doesn’t seem to care.

I really am trying to show compassion to her when she refuses to see her part.in my view, and I don’t know – this is not a healthy recovery.

[notmyrealname]

I guess it depends whether she is actually clean and what substance she’s clean from. With my husband if he’s taken any cocaine at all, even if he visibly looks sober at the time, all his problems will be someone else’s fault and it’s a sign he’s been doing it or at the least associating with people who do as his whole attitude changes to the world being against him, when he’s not drank or taken anything he admits his wrongs and talks about wanting to do better etc but this can change the very next day if he’s taken something.

[notmyrealname]

Obviously all people are different and I guess some people are never sorry for their actions but when my husbands recovering even if he’s only done a day he will feel so sorry and guilty for things he’s done., and in our situation the guiltless, no consequences, it’s all someone else’s fault attitude usually means he’s done it at some point that day or talking about negative things that have happened he’s usually finding an excuse to do it (I don’t know whether it’s consciously or sub consciously but I’ve also seen other people mention about them talking themselves in to justifying why they can do it).

[Author]

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