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I have been with my partner now fiancé for 10 years this year and I’m doubting as to wether he has started to take Coke again when we first met he was using unbeknown to me as I don’t use anything never have but due to my kids who were seeing the signs I then discovered we did break up cos I don’t want to have drugs in my life anyway he agreed not to take etc he has suffered mental health issues not sure if it’s due to a fair bit of use prior to meeting me he’s dad died he’s marriage broke up and he does not talk to he’s to sons who are in there 20s he has had help with counselling to help sort these traumas in he’s life I’ve gave him a new life with me with my family grankids etc but I just don’t feel he’s ever satisfied with anything nothing seems good enough in he’s eyes he’s making small things a huge deal where it’s not I’m a very positive girl and I’m

Very supportive but over a few years we seem to bicker over stupid things and even the councillor said our personalities are from one end of the scale to the other I agree we are but despite sitting talking bout stuff and trying to move past these issues they are still happening in sept we went to

Our friends for dinner drinks etc and I knew he took some Coke saw it in he’s face he never said a thing prob thought I’d not notice and he could get away with it despite all our honesty chats I did the next day confront him he apologised and said he did but to me that was a false apology but I once again said I can’t have the deceiving so we carried on we do live together or I should say did I asked him to leave about 3 weeks ago cos my son who is 25 came to stay in December due to falling out with he’s flat mate so obviously I’m going to help him I have 2 girls aswell all in there’s 30s I’m 59 and my partner 53 anyway he has not been happy really since he came to say just moaning about him not needed it was only going h to be temporary and I just felt very unsupported I’m about to get made redundant and I needed him to be a good rock for me with all of these situations but he hasent hence I asked him to go he’s now living back at he’s mums but even though he’s been messaging me wanting to sort it out deep down I can’t be sure he’s not using again just by he’s personality and when he was at mine he never seemed relaxed bit on edge etc and he’s answer to that was my boy he feeling uneasy which I don’t accept my sons been fine I know what anxiety is etc but I just think despite getting help having my support he doesn’t seem mentally no better with he’s behaviour and whilst he’s been at he’s mums I just don’t have the trust but when u don’t see that person using as such it’s very hard to act accuse

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It’s pretty hard for an addict to realize what’s going on around him. Nothing he does is ever his fault, and no matter how you approach him, he will feel like you’re attacking him.

I don’t know if he admits that he has a problem, but it might be time for him to get help if he does. Being supportive is excellent, but there’s so much you can do.

Talking to someone who’s been where he is can be beneficial for him and you. That’s why I’m writing to you.

We have to look deeper than the cocaine addiction. Cocaine is the band-aid that hides a deeper scar. Depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence are all after-effects of cocaine use. They can be highly damaging to him and his surrounding. As I can read, it has already begun.

You wrote that he’s willing to talk about it to sort things out. It might be a good time to see if he’s ready to get help for his addiction. Ask him in a non-confronting way, of course. Addicts need support from people who understand what they’re going through and who’s better than an ex-addict.

If he doesn’t want help or thinks he doesn’t need help, you can’t, unfortunately, do anything more. He has to be ready to get clean for himself and be dedicated to his well-being.

You need to make a decision that will benefit you and your family. Trust is something that is built with concrete actions and not words. It’s never easy to live with an addict because you never know if he’s lying or not.

Remember that an addict lies to be able to continue his addiction. He doesn’t realize how much he’s hurting the people closest to him. His addiction is the number one thing, and everything else is secondary.

I hope that you’ll have a positive talk with him and I wish you the best. Have a great day.

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Thank you for ur reply I appreciate it sadly he says since the sept over our friends he has not used anything and he was quite annoyed I had even thought he had but I think he’s personality hasent really got much better despite seeing our friend who is a qualified councillor or 25 yrs and yes I agree defo been underlying probs in the past but I just think there is not anything that’s a major issue anymore and yet he seems to just keep finding things to be draining bout if he’s not going to admit it as he didn’t when we went out in sept I don’t think he thinks there’s a problem but we have broken up so

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I think deep

Down he never wanted to

Stop

Using the drug even if it was sociable nights out

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Yes I act agree cos it was me saying I can’t be with someone on coke so he did stop for a while but as I said he then went behind my back in sept so that was more important than us esp as we had talked bout it I ask him for an explanation last night cos he has been messaging me but really he couldn’t give me one sad really

[icarus-trust]

I’m sorry to read of the problems you are facing because of your partner’s addiction. It must be very hard for you.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust which offers support to people going through what you are due to addiction in the family. we know it’s hard to deal with and we have trained and experienced Family Friends who you could talk with if you get in touch. Maybe talking to one of them might help you to make sense of it all and find a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. Good luck.

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