[twinkle]

Yesterday I ” celebrated ” my 28th wedding anniversary my husband was wrapped up in a crack binge, his only contact was to ask for money, I had none and to prevent my home being trashed or sold I got him some in ways that I truly do not want to share, we have been together 35 years, from teenagers, he truly is a lovely kind caring thoughtful man, and I love him, he is my other half, my soul mate, he us also an addict… over the years it has been on and off we have shared some lovely times, and some awful ones, last year my Mum died, in the week before her death he took care of her so well, she thought of him as a son and he loved her like a Mum, I continue due to be devestated about Mum, Dad died 25 years to the day of Mum. However I just cant cope anymore, I love him with him all my heart, but he cannot treat me how I feel I should be treated, he is hurting me so much now, without Mum I have no one who has my back, I am broke than I have ever been, he has chronic hepatitis b, and now his benefits have been cut, it’s even harder to manage, well I am not managing.. I have started drinking to try to escape, it’s not working obviously but my dependence on it is not good, I am just lost and alone, I forged a suicide plan several times but still do not do it, and I don’t know why I dont

[retroheadz]

Hey Twinkle,

Something you need to know is that you are never going to help your partner but you can save yourself! You love him and I can relate to that because I share a similar life. You sound desperate, beat down and at your final step with this life but remember that you will never be alone because millions of us are in this grip and we can help. If you can, ask for help! Any help! Help for him as much as you. You love him that much it’s hurting you both. Please don’t give up ????

[hox]

You are not alone Twinkle.

You have a lot to contend with regarding your husbands addiction and the loss of your parents. Have you any close friends that you can confide in?

Drinking only makes me depressed so I find it better to abstain whilst going through my own problems. Suicide can sometimes feel in our darkest moments the only way out to end our pain and heartbreak but you have something you love your husband. Your other half, your soul mate.

You need to seek help yourself. Have you been to see your doctor?

[twinkle]

Thank you both, I am on anti depressants and have had a course of therapy following my Mums death when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have some very good close friends who thus far have kept me alive to be honest, but you cannot burden them with your problems all the time, and when you lose hope like I have now what can anyone say? I know I can not help by husband, it’s not even about helping him anymore, I am not trying too, by financially doing it, it allows me to continue to live in my wonderful rented home, surrounded by lively neighbours who also think the world of him, if the landlord was to get a hint of anything e.g drugs arrested for doing what ever he would need to do to get gear he would evict us, this home us my safe place, I live it, I have several plants in my garden from Mums, just could not bear to lose it

Drinking does make me more depressed but I do not know what else to do anymore, if you have no hope, no future, no money what is the point? I work hard as deputy manager as a shop and juggle it around him,

Its not always so bad and sometimes I think that makes it worse, I see the man I love so often, his Dad died earlier this year and of course that has not helped

I cant see another way out anymore, to go to sleep, not wake up and be with Mum and Dad, he says ( and I believe him ) he would kill himself if I was to die,

[hox]

I understand about overburdening friends. Like you say only so much. I’m in the same position, so I come on here.

Your wonderful home is your safe haven surrounded by good neighbours that is lovely and something to focus on. Could you also focus on work and not juggle it around your husband? Anxiety comes to mind. Make it all about you, make it all about your lovely home and keeping a roof over both your heads.

Has your husband seen the doctor?

[retroheadz]

Twinkle, I’m glad you have shared your pain. It’s helpful for me and maybe it is for you to talk to others. Try to think of this as a little step forward. Try your best not to drink if you can, I know it’s easy to say that but just try because it’s no better than any other drug as you probably know. Sending a big hug!

[twinkle]

I do try very hard to focus on my work and enjoy what I do, and try to make a difference to our little independent shop, and I think I am good at, but when the mood takes him he will ring up and ask for money, it takes over my mind which is already messed up with grief, poverty and then trying to find another friend to borrow from etc whilst I go without..

I try to focus on me, but it’s just impossible, I could go away for couple of days next week but a I gave no money for train fair, and b unless he left with a bucket of money the way he us it would be impossible, there is no real escape if I didn’t love him and care for him so much the options would perhaps be easier, but for now I can only see one.. drink for sure is not the answer, it is just the same as drugs, although people see it as acceptable, he has just got up, still messed up, took the 20 I was saving in 20p to have my haircut and gone out, was absolutely hateful before he went, he s are me when he is like that, and he knows it

[hox]

Twinkle, it’s hard but you have to stop borrowing money to enable him. Do you have to accept calls at work from him as this then ruins your day. It’s awful him taking your money, you work hard for it.

Does your husband not work? Does he want help with his addiction? Or does he think there isn’t a problem like with most of us.

Don’t lose your job, home and sanity through all of this.

[twinkle]

Where I work is a family company, they are very lenient and allow calls etc, it’s only 5 mins away from home and as it is a shop nothing stopping him coming in..

He has been signed off work for years for his liver disease, mental health problems and drug issues, have already list my sanity…

[cmxx]

Dear Twinkle,

I am so sorry for your loss. If you are feeling suicidal it is really important to call The Samaritans, at any time of day or night. It is a confidential, free helpline. They won’t tell you what to do, but will listen to you and be supportive in whatever way you need.

Very best wishes,

Cmxx

[comfortablynumb]

You really need to stop enabling him, you need to look after you or you will become like him, helpless. He needs to find help outside of you, you have done all you can.

He really has no incentive to find help for himself because he has a nice comfy home and someone who will ‘find’ him money from wherever, whenever he wants. He’s not a child so make him fend for himself.

You really are going to have to be cruel to be kind or nothing is going to change.

I hope you find some peace soon.

[twinkle]

I do speak to the samaritans, it does help a little, but words mean little sometimes dont they? Ultimately it comes down to just you

[twinkle]

I know Thankyou, but sometimes you just arent strong enough…

[cmxx]

Dear Twinkle,

I really am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. If you are feeling like you cannot carry on please talk to your doctor, who can arrange some support for you.

If you feel you are at risk to yourself, call the emergency services.

Very best wishes

CMXX

[twinkle]

Thank you I am so glad I have found this forum, and all you lovely people who understand and do not judge, We live in a rural community and to be honest there are no services I could access that are not 45 miles away at least, the GPs do not have any clue about drug abuse and other effects, my family do not understand, My Mum and Dad are gone who loved us both unconditionally, my husband and I are really just two halves that only make one whole one, and with him on another binge I just do not have the answers

[hox]

I feel for you not having your mum and dad here to support and help you both in all of this. This forum has been a life line for a lot of us and folk do understand. Especially when you feel isolated and alone.

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