[bella85]

Hubby and I have been married for 3 years, together for 16. He’s always been a ‘drinker’ but the drinking has gradually increased over the years. He has always used cocaine too although this was occasional. As his alcohol intake increased, so did his cocaine use and I recently became aware that he had also been using crack!

I can’t begin to explain how terrible I have felt over the last 12-18 months but I imagine many of you already know. I’ve felt like I have been abandoned by him, to manage work, kids, home, wider family and completely put myself on the back burner.

I am pleased to say after lots of discussion, arguments, threats of divorce etc he eventually got on to a detox programme and hasn’t touched a thing for the last 6 weeeks! (Yay) the problem is though, I feel no better. I feel terribly selfish and ungrateful as this is what I have wanted for so, so long and I was sure once he got sober our lives would be ‘normal’. But I feel that I really hit rock bottom with it all a few months ago and whilst I should be celebrating his success I still feel so angry that he made us live our lives so long the way we did.

I’m a total wreck at the moment. I don’t know what im meant to feel or how I’m meant to get out of this depressed and angry hole that I’m in. Im frustrated with myself. This is the first time I’ve mentioned it, to anyone, despite trawling the internet for support for months and promising myself I’d go to alanon but always talking myself out of it.

I’m so sorry if I sound selfish, I just can’t seem to move forward with how desperate I was feeling a few months ago.

Sorry for the ramblings xx

[firebee]

Hi Bella, I’m not sure I can help with your question. I’m quite lost myself at min. I think my partner is on a similar path to yours but I cant prove the crack use. Ive found some items but he blamed them on a mate. He does coke tho and drinks.goes missing.Can I ask how you discoveres your partner was smoking crack?

[bella85]

Well he told me in the end…I knew that he’d used it in the past and then he started spending a lot of time with a friend of his that I knew did it. He would turn his phone off and go off for hours or overnight. He started off by admitting he’d done it a couple of times. Our relationship started to spiral downwards and I knew inside what he was doing, even though I didn’t really want to believe it. I can’t remember exactly how it came to light now but I do remember being absolutely devastated-I felt completely empty.

In some ways I think we needed to hit that rock bottom, i think he realised he was about to lose everything.

I can’t tell you if your partner is doing the same thing but if you have found clues and he’s blaming a friend then it sounds likely. I’ve been where you are and it’s a total shit storm. Sending hugs xx

[ivy-green]

Hey, my story sounds very similar ladies, i’m right in the middle of the shit storm, he always had a problem with alcohol, but wouldn’t hear of it, in the last year or so ( he’d say 6 months) things have been awful- lies, money stolen, foul moods, missing in middle of nights, then missing odd days,just generally horrible. couple days ago he comes back in the morning after one of his night dissapearences and tells me he’s been doing crack with people on the streets, prostitutes, whoever. Now he’s told me and I’ve had a couple of days to chew it over, he’s not understanding that i’m not over it. It’s my fault now as i’m so hard to live with. ( I do suffer serious depression and anxiety- exaserbated by his behaviour at times)

I know he is suffering from addiction and it’s an illness, but I want to just smack him! I feel terrible, I mean, smacking someone when they’re ill, what have I turned into????

Sending hugs to you ladies, i’m sorry that you are going through it too, thinking of you.

[ivy-green]

I think we need to be a little selfish and take care of ourselves- that’s what I read on one of the many articles I’ve raked through online

[bella85]

It is an illness but it is treatable and only he can take those steps to get treatment. I often wondered why my husband wouldn’t just get on and get it sorted but I suppose when drugs and alcohol have such a massive effect on their lives it’s didficult. It means they have to walk away from all their ‘friends’ and change their whole lifestyle.

The only advise I can give is do not let him blame you. It’s completely manipulative and his way of trying to get you to stop ‘nagging’ I’m sure.

In the end I just said to mine- if you want to carry on doing what you’re doing then fine but eventually I will become sick of it and I will walk away. I made it clear that the only person that would be responsible for that was him, I couldn’t say when enough would be enough but the day would certainly come. I stopped talking to him about it and carried on my life with my children and the rest of my family and basically paid no attention to his drug use or drinking. I wonder if when he had to stop trying to justify it to me, he could no longer justify it to himself.

It wasn’t easy, I certainly fell into a dark hole because not addressing it to him meant I didn’t talk about it to anybody and that shit really eats you up inside.

Unfortunately I’m still in that black hole but some days are better than others. I did eventually speak to my GP and got signed off work for 4 weeks which helped a little.

You do have to be selfish and it is bloody hard but just do you and don’t let him put any of the blame on you. Of course you’re depressed, you’re putting up with a lot xx

[firebee]

Good to see we are not alone but what I can see is that we are all trying to deal with this issue and suffer the anxiety from it when we really shouldnt. Being with them is a choice. We dont have to be with them. On the other hand. He is love of my life and its like he is 2 different people

Ones loving ,attentive, protective and just what you want for in a man. Makes you feel safe. But then the other side can drop me so quickly when hes on his missions with these so called mates and thats it. He will be gone and I’m left waiting. Then thats the same side that says “you make me lie to you because of how you are with me” and remember defense is always the best line of attack so no matter what you come at him with and im sure he has a reason to act that way due to something you have done. I’m asking mine again to be honest with me today as I have found items again which he cant blame on a mate. I just want the truth so I can react. I doubt I will get it as he knows its shameful and that means admitting it to himself as well.

I read something earlier about a woman whos partner was an addict and the advice she got was likening it someone walking a dog on a flexi lead. So the dog is right at the end of the lead and hes running away and not coming back. The woman kept calling the dog back and walking after it. Nothing. She started running after it and the dog just kept going. The point is if you stop following the dog hes going to stop at some point and look around and realise hes all alone. You keep following and he wont.

[bella85]

Firebee, couldn’t agree more. In all of this we are all fighting for that part of our partners that are good and kind and attentive and just when you’re ready to throw in the towel it’s that man that reappears for a short time and we’re back to where we started. In the end I seen so little of that man I almost forgot he existed.

Good luck with your conversation today xx

[firebee]

Thanks for your support. I spoke to him. He swears blind nothing is his. I basically found a bottom of a can that has been used to cook crack in. He has denied its his. Says its his mates. They are always leaving stuff in his car. He must have picked it up or it dropped in his bag. Or his mate put it in there. Either way denies it his, he has mates that do it and he has more about him to ever smoke it. I should have more faith in him and not accuse him. Etc etc. I just said that I wont accept crack as a part of my life. Im worried about him. I love him. I cant believe what he says though can I really. Its just ridiculous. But what can I do?

[bella85]

It’s hard isn’t? You want to believe him but something in you says he’s not being honest? And what can you do without any proof?

No advice but sending hugs, I know how you’re feeling xx

[amylouise21]

I can totally relate. My partner went to rehab in July and comes home October well I say home but he will be moving out of our home town for abit but I’m feeling so anxious with it, I’m happy he’s gone rehab and everything but I just can’t help feeling abit pushed out and worried for our relationship. As I know it will completely change when he leaves there and everything but just worried about worse case i.e us breaking up and our family is once again broken.

[angelia]

Hello. You are going through so much. I got married mid-July this year to a man I met and fell in love with 2 years ago. The problem is, that 18 months ago, he relapsed. I was aware that he was in recovery but had never seen him drunk. We got together and became a couple during this relapse. I feel stupid for marrying a man I had never been with whilst he was sober.

He has been sober for 4 weeks now and – like yourself – feel awful that I am not happier. I thought that things would be so much better when he was sober. Whilst the verbal abuse is no longer, there is still no romance or passion. I had attributed to their absence to his alcohol use. It doesn’t feel like a marriage or partnership. I remind myself that it is still VERY early days in his recovery and our marriage. I catch myself asking, when will it be time for my emotional needs to be met? If this is the best the marriage is going to get, as much as I care for this man, I cannot stay.

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