[l1000]

My first post. Anxiety kicking in after day 2 of breakup.

Found out 4 months ago that my “fiancé” has suffered a cocaine addiction for years. Our relationship moved very quickly, and then a sudden change after he proposed. I eventually picked apart a lie after 4 months of the cold shoulder. Didn’t have a clue he was using cocaine to get through most days. Not recreational, on the secret at home.

After 50 days clean he relapsed, didn’t tell me I had to find him out.. since then he’s created arguments, been irrational, keeps a cycle of disappearing then returning with his tail between his legs. 3 days ago things had hit an all time low. Very abusive behaviour for 2 weeks straight. Screaming and shouting. Turned up this morning after a night away saying I was over exaggerating, embellishing the events, couldn’t remember details of what he’d said or done. Won’t take any of his stuff..

I feel like I need to get out of this toxic scenario because it’s taken over my life ( albeit for a short time)

Am I week in not doing more for him ? Why am I starting to feel guilt and obsession ?

[kel1]

I think to protect yourself you will probably be better to remove yourself to save yourself if that makes sense. I was dragged into very destructive chaos which left me broken, confused and a shadow of myself which wasn’t even mine, yet because of all the blame, lies and nastiness it felt as if it was my issues also.

It all depends what you are prepared to accept. In the end I was cheated on, blamed, lied to and the list goes on so I had to get out.

It really was hell, and mine had no intentions of stopping. Cocaine us the devil drug and completely destroys people. It makes me sick when I think about what I went through and still going thru.

On the other hand you might hear stories whereby people try to support and stick with all the abuse, chaos and lies etc, think carefully about this one. The addict needs to self motivate and want to want the help to recover if not you’ll be banging your head on a brick wall. In others words nothing you or anyone can do or say will stop the addict. That’s how powerful that drug is.

These people become monsters.

Al Anon is another support for people who are affected by someone else’s addiction. Speak to friends and family and please make sure you put some firm boundaries in place should you stick around.

Best of luck

[l1000]

Thank you for your supportive reply.

It’s now day 5 and it’s turned into suicide text messages from him. Blaming me for leaving him alone and scared. I’m sick with worry but I’ve contacted his mother to inform her of the message this morning, asked her to really consider contacting 111 but she thinks he should just go to bed….

Feeling like I need to make that call myself for him but I’ve been here before with paramedics a couple of weeks ago, he was left at his parents to make the arrangements himself which he failed to do.

Most of me sees it’s emotional blackmail because he isn’t getting his own way, then the rest of me feels like I could be letting him down by not making that call to 111.

I have no idea what to do 🙁

[kel1]

Mood swings and extreme lows go hand in hand with that drug. You are not to blame at all so please don’t internalise that. He needs to lay off the gear (his probably on a come down) so the receptors in the brain get back to a normal level.

What he should be doing is calling his local drugs service and telling them he has a problem with drugs instead of abusing women. Harsh but true.

I’ve tried the supportive approach and I ended up unwell mentally. I ended up having to leave to save myself and my girls from all that darkness. I guess what I’m saying is he is responsible for his life, behaviours and thought process. If he is feeling unwell then he should go to the hospital. He is a grown ass man!

If you’re that worried call the police so they can do a welfare check on him. All you do is call police say what he has said to you and that you want them to do a welfare check. That way it removes risk from you

[l1000]

Thank you.

I called the police tonight and they are doing a welfare check as we speak.

He’s called a helpline to say he needs help prior to knowing I’ve made the 111 call and I had received a call from them asking for £7k for his rehab which I simply can’t give… is that normal ?

He text me while paramedics there saying “thank you , I know what you’ve done for me”

Just a long road ahead now.

Boundary’s staying strong –

I can’t go back to what it was even if he gets help now.

I only want to see he’s ok. I don’t think I’ll be able to get passed all that’s Been going on. Just want us both to have a happy healthy restart in our future even if it’s not together anymore x

[kel1]

No they wouldn’t call out the blue and ask for 7k. He would have to be assessed for a detox or whatever it is he is attending for.

Good you did the welfare check that kept in safe and made sure he knows you are taking his words seriously even if he isn’t.

Boundaries is key to keeping sane! I’d say there is no life with an addict so unless they get better for themselves then we’re pretty much doing life solo anyway.

[lockers]

Hi I’m new to this .I’m with a user and have witnessed his decline over the last year.It has been a year of hell a rollercoaster ride.Lies emotional blackmail broken promises are what I’m dealing with on a daily basis.He still is no longer deluded about the addiction and knows it’s a hard struggle to come off.His life is unravelling financially it is affecting us he is facing a driving ban and I have told him I am going to leave.Its a chaotic world…I love this man to bits but cant continue az we are .I’m heartbroken but have said we can still see each other from my safe place.I just hope he has the strength and will to beat it

[jenny]

If you was my child I would say – Please walk away , while he is having a relationship with drugs he cannot fully invest in a relationship with you . He will take you down with him .

It had been said before that addicts ask for a large amount of money to either pay of drug suppliers or to buy so they can sell.

[kel1]

This is true Jenny, when my ex partner went he was demanding 7k from me strangely! Obvs I said NO. But he was relentless, and I did think he may have run up debts. He then asked for ladders at our house which are worth money and again I said no.

Spot on you can’t have a relationship with an addict as like me I went down like a sinking ship! And it nearly killed me.

[lemonysnicket]

I had a few years of uncertainty/lies before everything came crashing down in a spectacular way when hidden debts caught up with my then husband. I had to change what I was doing (supporting/covering up/enabling basically). I wish I had done it sooner for me and for him. At first he was not great and mental health wise he has been up and down but is doing ok at the moment although the family home is about to be sold which will be a challenge for all of us. He was already pretty clean I think most of the time, but I wasn’t confident in his recovery (he had almost always tried to do it alone) or in his capacity for telling the truth about his finances. So we are divorced. I still love him. He has a good job (earns over £70k) and has the opportunity to rebuild his finances. I myself need some help right now. I’ve weathered the storm so far but I am struggling with the house sale, with being divorced (I never expected to be or wanted it and I’m full of sadness for what might have been). But I believe that what I was doing wasn’t helping and had to stop. I had to draw a line and his debts leading essentially to the sale of our house was it, it turned out. I agree with Kel1, with an addict you are pretty much doing life solo anyway.

[kel1]

Lemony, reading your story made me sad as I can relate so much to what you’ve described. It is sad, bloody tragic! I feel as though my dreams, future and happiness have all diminished!

Going through all of what you are with the divorce, house situation and your feelings is absolutely heartbreaking! It’s actually probably the most stressful thing to go thru, but here you are reaching out to others. You’re brave and that’s the things with this sort of deep sadness, although we get left wounded we have to pick ourselves up and carry on, even though it’s hard too.

I hope you find some peace soon and happiness wherever you can find it

[l1000]

So the update today is that he has found the funds to book into rehab after 3 days not using. He crashed through everything he had first and ended up without shelter. He has sourced a loan and given me his bank card yesterday. Funds went in today and we have both booked rehab for Monday next week.

He seems scared and relieved all at the same time. I hope this starts the help he needs

[jenny]

I hope he does , don’t forget be strong and have your borders, although I’m not an expert I would say he may still ‘slip’ again if he thinks all is forgiven and once he gets back into the home he may take advantage. I hate to say hide anything of value but if he no money and you have his card the need maybe too strong.

Good luck x

[kel1]

Rehab works well if they have a plan for when they get out afterwards. Rehab can hold them whilst they’re there but it’s when they get out people are known to relaspe!

Set up some counselling for after he finishes rehab

Best of luck

[l1000]

He hasn’t been back home, my brother has taken him in. I feel like my boundaries are strong at the moment, my plan is to support from this distance for now. It’s going to take lots of time for him to put his life into a better shape after rehab, and that’s down to him. I know he’s scared of lots of things going on right now so I am talking him through his fears but keeping a sensible gap with him. He firstly needs to see this through and although it’s booked for Monday- there are a lot of obstacles he needs to get himself through. If he wants this help (rehab) he needs to fight other escape urges he might feel to get through it

[lemonysnicket]

@Kel1 Thanks for your kind words. It is terribly sad. I can’t believe it’s real sometimes. I’m struggling to find a house right now – the market is moving really fast – but trying to focus on the practical stuff. And I’m going to get counselling for myself at last which is what I think we all need. All of this is so hard to process no matter how long it’s been.

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