[marnie]

I’m at the point now where my ex is definitely my ex. The alcohol addiction will never go away I know that but the lack of will to attempt to control it is the issue like it is with a lot of addicts. He’s been gone from my home 3 weeks now, Iv dropped all his things off at a family members. Iv now yet again had the nasty, selfish manipulative side of him. It’s all my fault, he left me because of my controlling behaviour and my secret eating apparently, that’s a new one. Iv now blocked him with no way of him contacting me.

While Iv been having a sort out I found his “steps” work books under the bed (makes a change from empty vodka bottles)he did while in rehab. When he came out of rehab he did go through them with me. It’s just so so sad when I reread them now that the “sober” addict who wrote in these work books is now back to square one. He talks of knowingly manipulating people for money for booze, family, work boss’s etc. He talks of gaining opportunities to go buy booze like offering to walk the dogs, forgetting on purpose a key ingredient needed for tea so he could go out and buy more booze and drink it on the way home. He even admits having his son sleep over at his mums house when he separated from his ex wife so he can go get take out as an opportunity to buy booze and consume it. There are loads of terrible things he did just to make sure his need for booze was met. All that mattered was that need and nobody else mattered and he actually admits that.

When I went through these books with him 18 months ago he was 4 weeks sober due to rehab and I had the most loving caring person in my life. He was so full of remorse and positive about our life ahead. Since then there had been a few incidents of relapse but nothing like before rehab and what’s happened now. I actually thought by rereading these books I would once again feel sorry for him and be tempted to give into him when it’s all gone to crap and he comes looking for me to rescue him. It’s actually done the exact opposite. I can see exactly what he’s been doing again and that it will just keep on happening. The lies, manipulation and even would you believe he went on the latest bender after having his son at his mums overnight ! Even if he rocked up in 5 years time saying he’s been sober for a number of years I would still be playing detective and live a life of cat and mouse constantly trying to catch him out as that trust has gone and Iv realised can never be gained again ????

[marnie]

Another thing Iv realised, a few days before he went to his mums to have his son over night he stopped what he was doing and looked me straight in the eyes and said “I do love you you know” I do know he meant it and that’s the saddest part.

It’s evident that this need for alcohol was so great that this binge was clearly planned and executed to plan by manipulating everyone even his 13 year old son.

[Author]

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