[flyinghighaus]

When I was 19 I first tried cocaine. It was a one off here and there thing with certain people before it made me throw up (the drip in the back of my throat never sat well). I stopped for about 6 months before trying it again.

Before I knew it, it became a weekly weekend habit. Surrounded by the wrong people who always had it out. For about 8 months I was doing it too regularly before one messy night and my parents found out. I got help through drug and alcohol counselling at the hospital, them finding out was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done but it also saved my life and I would do it all over again if it means I get to where I am today.

That was 3 and a half years ago. I’ve been around it, tried it and it has zero affect on me now. It makes me anxious, quiet and there’s nothing to enjoy about it. I haven’t had any for over a year now but it never goes away.

I don’t crave it, want it, or need it anymore. I don’t miss the high – it was definitely all about the habit and excitement of it. If it’s around and I’m drinking there’s been so many times I’ve come close, even though I know I don’t want it. I have an amazing cousin who always ensures I don’t do anything stupid with a drunk brain and never judges.

The pain, regret, anger and disappointment within myself never goes away. I’ve been to the doctors time and time again for her to check my nose. I’ve been told my septum is fine, the shape of my nose has changed slightly but nothing that requires surgery and I’m not angry about the shape.

Around this time of year, when it gets cold, my nose starts itching so bad, burning a little, and I feel like my septum is stretching apart.

A few hours after it feels fine before the feeling comes back again. It’s so hard to keep it in, I’m crying off and on, the anxiety attacks get the best of me and I guess all I need to know is that there’s someone else with the same worries and struggles…which is why I finally joined this group.

I know things could be much worse and I’m so proud of getting myself out of such a dark place and this is something I’ll live with forever. Has anyone had successful surgery to replace the cartilage in their septum? Does anyone know what to say or where to go for help? Or just living with it and is okay?

I can’t talk to my family, this is the most embarrassing secret that tears me apart and it would be great to speak to someone else just to know I’m not alone.

Thank you!

Best of luck for anyone trying to move on from this horrible substance.

What helped me:

My family knowing – it was so hard but I would be on my own if I did it again and they mean everything to me.

Mum took my phone for the first few weeks, I also deleted all the people I knew that could get anything for me, people I would only go out drinking with, fake friends that would suck me into that life again.

Counselling, she helped me understand just how many people are going through it everyday and how everyone struggles in a different way. She also taught me when people do contact me asking for drugs or if I wanted any to just say No, I’m having a break sorry. Just casual, short, sweet and then ignore any other messages if they keep pushing.

Gym, I am OBSESSED with my fitness now, I love pushing myself. If I’m sad/angry about my past I push myself harder at the gym (sometimes until I’m crying, proud of achievement for accomplishing a new goal).

I worked multiple jobs to avoid going out on the weekends and saved for a 5 week holiday to America at the end of the year (and did it).

Then I somehow got my dream job when I got back and couldn’t be more happy after going through hell. That’s what I keep reminding myself of everyday, is how much I’ve achieved since going down a dark hole that I almost never got out of.

If I can do it, I believe anyone can. You really need to want it for yourself, have a good support group and keep setting goals for yourself and CELEBRATE THE S**T OUT OF IT WHEN YOU DO X

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