[sleeping-beauty]

My partner’s son (30) has been addicted to drugs for a number of years, has been unable to hold down a job and has “borrowed” money from anyone and everyone. Over the last few months things have got even worse. He is now addicted to heroin and being abusive and threatening to try and get the money to feed his habit.

His Grandmother gives him all her money and emotionally blackmails my gf and her brother (himself an alcoholic who is trying to get himself into rehab) into giving him money. We have tried to explain that she isn’t helping and is just making things worse but she won’t hear a word against him.

My gf’s daughter is heavily pregnant and they are both scared that social services will stop her from living with her Mum because of all the aggressive behaviour. The whole family are on their knees and don’t know what to do.

My gf is herself addicted to cocodamol and regularly takes too many to try and help her cope with everything that is going on and I should also mention she has another daughter with mental health problems who is currently being held in a secure unit.

Financially, physically and emotionally this is not sustainable and needs to stop but I don’t know how to help them. Any advice would be appreciated.

[jem]

Hi Sleeping Beauty – your situation sounds very difficult.   I can speak from experience of having a son who is a heroin addict who lived with me and my partner for all of lock-down and into last year.    I broke all of the rules of common sense, I gave him money and shelter, and waited for him to want to change.  In the end he got sick of having no money to buy normal things, and for having to go through the stress of buying H and eeking it out.  The break for us came with him wanting to make that change and me funding a flat in a city that has really good addiction support services – which was really lacking where we live in rural Wales.  I can imagine what your life is like, all of the mess and drama that comes with addiction and the lack of control that you have over the situation.  Its must be very hard on your relationship and I’m guessing that your partner needs a lot of support with this.

From your post, I don’t really get the feeling that he is ready to want to change yet.  Wanting to stop and actually being able to do it are very different.  My son avoided a methadone program because it has a reputation of swapping one drug for another.  Having seen how it works, I would say that getting on a program is a really good thing.  It stops the need for cash and allows them to rebuild, without having to go through withdrawals and months of insomnia.  There is no real high from methadone, it just allows them to be normal.  There is another treatment called Subutex (and other names) but my son tried and didn’t do well on that.  When he is in his most desperate moments and there is no money and he’s heading towards withdrawals, its worth trying to talk to him about treatment.  My son was lucky in that he was given an appointment very quickly by the addiction services and had a prescription within days.  In Wales its very different – and I never really got the feeling that they wanted to help – there just seemed to be endless appointments with staff that knew nothing about heroin and wanted him to prove that he was a user by providing a succession of weekly urine tests.  He would be so desperate and lose interest in quitting while he waited for appointments.

Looking back, my son wanting to make the change, coincided with me running out of cash, so please do something before you get to the point that I did.

Addicts are very selfish, the world does revolve around them, and you have to look after yourself.  Maybe find a group in your area that can support you – Families Anon or similar.  I am fortunate that I work, and going out of the house to the office (planet normal) has really helped me in keeping slightly sane.

You mention others in your family with addiction issues, I don’t think that is surprising, it seems to follow-on like that, but so hard for you trying to keep it all together.

Goodluck I really hope things get easier.

Keep posting here, there are lots of lovely people that have been through this.

[sleeping-beauty]

Hi Jem,

Thanks for the reply and the words of advice. He’s still calling everyday and using threats and emotional blackmail every day to get money so I don’t think he’s ready to change yet but if he ever is I’ll bare your advice in mind. It is a really difficult situation for my partner as her pregnant daughter has been told she can’t stay there unless steps are taken to stop him coming near the house. Her brother goes to rehab tomorrow and as she’s been trying to keep things peaceful so as not to ruin his recovery I’m hoping she’ll be more willing to take action so as not to lose her daughter and grandchild.

Thanks again for the little bit of hope that things can get better.

 

[eddie123]

There is an excellent charity that I know can support you – they have a remote family support group, and also provide free treatment for addicts struggling with addiction issues. To read more about them and receive the help please see link https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

you can fill in the referral form on their website.

[sleeping-beauty]

Thankyou. We’ll give them a try.

[Author]

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