[jetster9]

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted anything on here for a while, here goes. Visited my son at the weekend, and he seemed depressed and withdrawn. He says he has stopped taking heroin, but can I believe him ? He was receiving support from a local drug project, buy unfortunately, didnt end up going to his latest appointment. They gave him a week to reply to them, saying if he didnt contact them, they would close his case ! This is a shame, as he wasnt receiving help from anywhere else. He finds the helplines to generic, whatever that means !

He lost his job a few months ago, and is trying to find work, but finding this hard. Hence he has asked for a loan, which we have given to him. Trying to get help for him is difficult, his GP is not keen to refer him for community health support, as he has had substance issues.

I didnt find any evidence of the drugs when I was there. He did apologise for his mood at the weekend. I did wonder if he was on a detox, but there was no evidence of this. I don’t know what to think ! X

[notmyrealname]

Sorry to hear you have been going through this. I hope that your son is ok. If you loan him cash it might be too tempting for him to spend on the wrong things, maybe you could pay the bill he needs paying or buy what it is he needs money for. Is he entitled to benefits now he’s unemployed maybe you could help him filling in an application if he hasn’t done that. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him.

[jetster9]

Hi. Thankyou for your reply. Yes, he is receiving financial support, at least until July. We have learnt him some money, but will not be keen to lend any more, although he has a big bill to pay from Thames Water, they have given him until April to pay, otherwise threatening legal action !

It’s so frustrating as he lives 2 hours away from us, there also seems so little help available for someone in his position.x

[notmyrealname]

it sounds like he could do with some support nearer by as being so far away its even easier for him to hide his situation from you. Surely if the water company are made aware of his situation they should be able to come up with some kind of monthly payment plan.maybe you could help in this kind of way helping him to get organised rather than financially .it is sad that there isn’t more support available and also sad that any support that is possible gives up on people so easily when it’s people who are who are struggling.

[jetster9]

Hi, yes. We would like him to be nearer, its difficult as he bought a house just over a year ago. I am keeping tabs on the water payment. I was going up a lot to see him at one stage, but it got too much. Thankyou for your reply.x

[notmyrealname]

Are they any support groups he could join Online? I can imagine it would get a bit much for you to keep going with everything that’s going on and I hope you are taking care of yourself aswell. Can you maybe keep in touch by video call would be easier than visiting and you might be able to gauge the situation better on a video than a call. If he was buying a house and had a job this sounds like he was doing well before, but with the way the last year has gone it has been tough.

[jetster9]

Hi, yes has been tough lockdown as for everyone. Sadly he won’t engage with these online groups which is a shame ! I felt that the wdp promised a lot, but in the end he wouldn’t engage with them. He was doing reasonably well before first lockdown, high earner. Video calls are out too , just have to hope for the best, thankyou.

[notmyrealname]

I hope you will get some good news soon.

[jetster9]

Hi, thankyou ! Here’s hoping ! X

[notmyrealname]

I wonder if you saw betty1971 post, i saw yesterday was also about their sons battle and might be of interest to you.

[jetster9]

Hi yes thanks I’ll have a look at these. Dont know how to find that post though, Betty1971 ! X

[notmyrealname]

https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/forum/thread/3939

[jetster9]

Hi, thanks I’ll check those out x

[notmyrealname]

The link above is to bettys post, thread 3939. Might be more relevant to you but I commented for support as noone else had.

[jetster9]

Hi, I’m not too savvy on this site must admit ! It is good of you to reply, it doesn’t always happen !

[notmyrealname]

At the top where it says the website Adfams.org , at the end of that website writing it’s got 3931 for this conversation. If you delete that end part and put 3939 it will come up with Betty conversation

[notmyrealname]

I would just like to add in case you get more chatting on the other conversation- that if you blame yourself at all I wouldn’t as I have no addiction issues whereas my sibling does, we have the same parents and we’re brought up in the same house so don’t blame yourself.

[jetster9]

Hi, still not sure how I access Betty’s post, I’ll keep trying. Like I say I’m not very computer savvy. Yes, addiction is complicated for sure, they say it is an illness, but it seems difficult to cure !

[notmyrealname]

Yes Iv seen it called a disease. But it causes us family members so much pain over such a long period of time, and whereas patients for most diseases would take whatever they are offered this is one disease where the patient doesn’t seem that willing to take the treatment- that’s if they can even get offered any treatment. I wish they would do some more research into all of this considering it affects so many. All they seem to do is focus on punishing people who take or sell this stuff without them doing anything to try and repair the root cause.

[jetster9]

Yes, I agree with you, there isn’t much out there at all to treat this disease. Usually there is a mental health issue underneath, but GP ‘s wont get involved where drugs are involved ! Places like the WDP rely on people to be pro active, where the nature of the beast is people on drugs aren’t motivated. It’s just a shame they are unable to do a community service, visit people in their homes. It isn’t very personal. I am sorry for your family, as it does affect the whole family.x

[notmyrealname]

I have seen some other people recommending the documentary series on Amazon prime about addictions so I have started watching that to see if I can learn anymore about this illness. I have never before considered the fact that this is a lifelong thing I thought people could get through it but it seems like it’s a constant battle that they have to work really hard to beat every day . I’ve also seen on some of the other posts on here some of the people in recovery are talking about how people need to find some hobbies. I wonder if your son has any hobbies or if there are any he could get in to that could help pass the time while he is bored without a job. I am going to be trying to figure out with my husband if there is anything he would like to be doing that could keep him busy and distracted in his spare time as he has had a few good days.

[jetster9]

Hi. He used to have hobbies, he played football for a while, then hurt his back, so finds it hard to play now. The lockdown has made things hard, as he likes to play golf, and would even go on his own to practice.

Where he lives, he’s a bit isolated, and not near any friends. Sadly, I am not sure how many friends he has left now.

He is finding it hard to get a job, which is getting him down. He spends a lot if time watching tv. ! Hopefully, when the lockdown ends, he will bd able to get out and about a bit, and the same for your husband too. The lockdown has been a nightmare for people’s mental health.

We suggested a voluntary job for him, but he wasn’t keen on that idea. ! X

[lindyloo]

Hi Jetster 9

I’ve been reading your story and wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and your son.

I usually post on the Theresa thread (click on to share your story) there are several of us mums all with sons who have addictions. The mums are all so supportive and helpful with their advice. You also realise that you don’t feel alone with your worries and stress, and all that goes with addiction.

I’m thankful that my son reached out for help , sought support from CA and AA groups, got a sponsor, lots of support from the fellowship and is currently almost 6 months clean. It’s been really hard for him, especially in the earlier weeks, but I’m so proud of what he’s achieved so far.

I wanted you to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it all needs to start with your son’s desire to stop.

Please take time to look after your own health, as these addictions can consume everyone.

Always here to chat, read the Theresa thread and feel free to share your story there too.

Thinking of you

Lx

[jetster9]

Hi there. Nice of you to get in touch. I am pleased your son managed to access some help. Like you say my son needs to want the help, and so far has not cooperated with this, although he has been offered it in the past.

It is hard work though, and great your son is persevering with it.

The Theresa thread sounds like a good idea, I will try and access it. Thankyou for your kind thoughts. I do have a voluntary job which takes my mind of things.x

[notmyrealname]

Have you spoken to him since you visited that day? It is really hard applying for jobs at the moment- depending on what kind of job he’s looking for. That’s good he liked football and golf he must be more into being outdoors then, he is probably finding it so boring being stuck in the house at the moment.

[jetster9]

My husband spoke to him yesterday, and obviously he is quite down about not having a job. It is a very difficult time at the moment for people who are out of work.

Yes, hopefully when lockdown ends, and the weather picks up, he will do more outside. He does watch an awful lot of tv at the minute ! X

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thanks for posting and sharing your concerns about your son’s addiction issues. I wonder if you’d like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to families dealing with addiction. If you get in touch we would be able to let you know what support is available for yourself but also your son too.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[jetster9]

Thankyou for your reply. I will definitely get in touch with you soon, am running out of options !

[icarus-trust]

Thanks for posting and sharing about your son’s addiction.

Maybe you would like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports families around addiction. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with and they will let you know what support could be offered both you and your son.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[llm888]

I am sorry you worried about your son I have been through this with a very close friend for 20 years of addiction this and I can assure you it’s horrible for us who love them. I am so glad he is getting help. I will say that if he is struggling financially and you do want to help if possible I wouldn’t give cash or bank transfer honestly I could spend all day writing ways in which the addiction turned him into someone I didn’t recognise with the stories lies that’s are so believable to us etc. I would help him but in ways that meant no cash. No enablement as the temptation to use when they have money is overwhelming. I really hope that won’t son isn’t, but instead I would do an online food shop and get it delivered, I would help out with bills but pay them directly for him. If your son is genuinely concerned with bills and food etc and not having any money as he’s struggling to find work he will be grateful for this. If he is using again he will try everything for you to send him money so he can have the money to buy drugs you will know. It’s really awful sad situation and I hope so much he is staying clean ans away from it but wanted to just give you some tips that helped me with my friend and take care of yourselves x

[jetster9]

Hi, thankyou for your reply. However, he isn’t receiving any help at the minute. He initially was receiving help from a drugs project, but they have a 3 strikes and you are out policy, he missed 3 appointments unfortunately.

If I had known about the last one, I would have made sure he attended, but that isn’t how they operate. It is all down to the individual, and they dont budge from that. I guess they are right. We have lent him some money, probably for the first and last time ! I am sorry to hear about your friend, it is great she has your support.

I am hoping to get him referred to the local community mental health, the GP said if he was taking drugs, he wouldn’t be able to be included.x

[llm888]

That would be amazing if the GP could help and you know what it’s none of our faults we are in this situation with our loved ones it’s so so hard isn’t it. My heart aches because I can’t do anything it’s totally down to them but I have realised myself that it’s not my fault nothing I did or anyone did and that helps me feel better in myself they have a voice on their shoulder controlling their brain and its inky down to them if they listen and of course take action to do this to themselves.

All we can do is be supportive as we can and safeguard our own hearts I guess. But boy does it help to talk to people in the same boat I have found since joining here.

Always here to chat ever if needed xx

[jetster9]

Hi, yes it’s very hard especially when it is something out of our control. You are right, it isn’t our fault, but sometimes you do wonder, and maybe feel it is. Yes, it has been a help getting feedback on here. People have been really supportive.

People are going through some difficult times !

Addiction is a terrible thing. Like you say, you can only be there in the background. X

[llm888]

That’s exactly it and look after ourselves as much as we can whilst being there for our loved ones as well, awful situations.

Take care x

[jetster9]

You too ! We have to keep fit ! X

[notmyrealname]

That’s terrible that the gp won’t help if someone has mental health problems, mental health problems probably contribute to a lot of people turning to substances. How can they turn their back on people like that.

[notmyrealname]

I’m glad you husband had a chat with him, at least he is answering the phone and not totally avoiding contact. You are doing well keeping that communication going with him. Maybe he could get into photography or something if he likes being outdoors? As he could do that on a daily exercise at the moment if his back doesn’t trouble him walking.

For me I’m more dreading the lockdown lifting with the pubs opening as that makes it easier for him buying and taking cocaine as they aren’t very on top it.

[notmyrealname]

Well he will take it on his own but the pub increases the temptation and also encourages him to think it’s fun because he’s out socialising at the same time. So for me it gives me anxiety if he’s just popping for a pint as I know what it can lead to.

[jetster9]

I agree. GP’s could definitely more re mental health and taking drugs, like you say, poor mental health seems to be at the root of people taking drugs. Does your partner get any help regarding the cocaine? Has he tried getting off it ? Sounds like a nightmare for you, can you get help yourself ? I did try families anonymous for a while, didn’t really suit me, seems to help some people. Take care of yourself. X

[notmyrealname]

Have been to a family’s group a while back but then he stopped doing it for some time. I don’t know what had triggered it now it’s been on and off the last couple of years. I am ok generally keep busy with work etc but so sad for him it’s not the life I planned though, as I don’t do anything like this. He has never been to the group but I keep reading on the posts on here about these online zoom groups and I think if he was serious about stopping he would log on to one of those but he doesn’t think there’s anything they can do that would help.

[jetster9]

Hi. Could he get referred to a drug project at all ? My son got in touch today, I was saying about the 12th step plan which the Narcotics Anonymous do. He said it is difficult to access it, but has contacted the WDP, so I am hoping that he will actually access the help this time ! Take care.x

[notmyrealname]

That sounds good that he is willing look into the 12 step plan. A lot of people talk about that on the posts on here.

Yes at the moment my husband is trying to do it alone and he’s had a few good days but I’m sure he needs some more support from a professional.

[jetster9]

Hi. He has asked for a referral back to the WDP, they were helping him before, so am hoping he will be more motivated this time. It does sound like your partner really wants to stop. Would he contact NA, or maybe a local drug project near to where you live, it’s difficult to do these things without help.x

[notmyrealname]

That’s good that he’s asked for the referral. What kind of wait time is there for that? I did have a look on google at the 12 step thing and wondered if it is something that someone can start while they are waiting on a list for professional help.

I’m not sure about my husband as of course it’s like they have two sides so it’s different every day, it’s very tiring.

[jetster9]

I was told a couple of weeks ago that the WDP at the moment don’t have a big waiting time. You can refer yourself, ir get the GP to refer him. I don’t know about the 12 steps.NA might know about how to access that. I think NA are more for the addict, but there’s families Anonymous, or FAMAn you can contact for advice x

[notmyrealname]

I think that’s going to be the next step for my husband, but to be honest this is the first time he’s really tried to seriously stop, other times he’s just talked about it and then gone back to the same behaviour.

How are you today?any more news?

[jetster9]

I’m ok thanks. Not really any news, may be receiving help from Icarus, they have contacted me, about counselling help, and self help for son. Hopefully, your husband is serious this time about stopping.

It has to come from them, I have been told a few times that my son might need to hit rock bottom before he is willing to stop ! Hope you are ok.x

[notmyrealname]

Well my husband has been up and down since i last spoke to you. He had done a few times of going 5/6 days without taking any coke then he’s met a friend and then he does it again, i can’t blame the friends as he’s been known to do it on his own but reading other posts on here I can’t help but identify that these friends do seem to trigger his need to take it when he’s been so positive . Such a shame as he has seemed so determined. I’m trying to not let it get me down, now the weathers warming up I’m enjoying the garden and looking forward to the summer. It’s a shame he doesn’t get any happiness or enjoyment out of these simple pleasure though.

How did you get on with your icarus?

[jetster9]

Hi. I haven’t had my first session yet, not until next Thursday. I wanted to come down and see my son for Easter, as he doesn’t want to come home, but he wants us to come another time with each other !

The latest thing is, he wanted my husband to photocopy pages in his passport, and send it to him, so he could set up another gambling account ! He said he only wanted to bet small amounts, and get special offers ! A worrying development !

Husband refused.

It is a shame that your husband was tempted to use with his friends, I guess that is peer pressure. Its good you are being positive about it. Has he got any other friends he could hang out with ?

Has he tried NA ? My son won’t unfortunately.

You’ve just got to concentrate on yourself and your wellbeing x

[notmyrealname]

I hope you two can still have a nice Easter.

How did your husband deal with that? I hard to know what’s the right thing to do as if we help them we worry and if we don’t help them we still worry.

Well I don’t know whether it’s the way he has designed it by only wanting to spend time with people who also take it or if people who aren’t doing it just drift off from him, but everyone he knows takes it. Even family members, the only few he stays in contact with take cocaine, he has older relatives who take coke and so he thinks they are good company and regularly messages them and sees them occasionally. Whereas he hardly bothers with his parents as neither of them take anything and they have tried to help him since he was a teenager, but I try to stay in contact with them regularly.

[jetster9]

Coke does sound like an absolute nightmare. There have been a few posts on the forum with people talking about it, I don’t know if you have seen them.

He is lucky to have you, but everyone has their limits.

Are you able to talk about it with him ?

I hope you have a nice Easter too.x

[notmyrealname]

Hi yes it depends what point I talk to him to how far the conversation gets. Some times he is very serious about it being a problem that he needs to work on and other times I’m accused of wanting to control him etc but having read up on so many other peoples posts it seems very predictable behaviour. It seems like the more knowledge we can gather the better as when we don’t know much about it we can’t understand what is happening. Finding out more is helping for myself not just for him.

[jetster9]

I don’t think you could be any more supportive than you are being. Like I said though, everyone has their limits.

Its important you find time for yourself though, and do your own thing. So difficult I guess sometimes.x

[notmyrealname]

Hi thank you, I do feel like I am at my absolute limit at times. I am busy with work and a couple of other hobbies but sometimes they do bring you down when you feel so disappointed it’s just trying not to rest your hopes on them I suppose, I can see why so many people walk away in the end though as all the things that happen from this behaviour don’t turn out to be a good basis for any kind of partnership.

[jetster9]

Hi, yes thats very true! Glad you have hobbies etc to do, you are forging your own life, you’ve just got to do that.

I made an impromptu visit to my son, and the tell tale powder was there on the , side, so I know he is still using, I just wanted to see for myself.

The WDP didn’t contact him on the time and day they said they would. He was going to contact them back, but as usual he isn’t getting in touch.

I am still hoping I can organise help via Icarus, this might be more helpful.

Take care, and have a good weekend. X

[notmyrealname]

Well I think good on you for going down there and trying to keep check of him. How did he seem in himself?

Exactly as much as we can support them we need to remember ourselves too and it’s easy to forget ourselves getting so wrapped in trying to help or fix them.

[jetster9]

He didn’t seem too bad, managed to get him out for a walk. Its a job to know really, he thought he had a sure set for a job, but don’t know if he’s heard or not.

Hope your weekend is going ok.x

[llm888]

It is very hard to stay and ultimately it’s us that suffers while we try to be supportive very conflicted at times as it feels as though they are being selfish in their addiction and yet we feel we need to not be selfish and compromise our own happiness in our relationship it’s so tricky and so very sad at times, we need to keep going and try to take the best care of ourselves we can but I feel it is soooo hard xx

[jetster9]

Hi, yes you are so right ! They are selfish, and blind to our needs, but I guess that’s the nature of addiction. That’s why we have to stay strong and look after ourselves, and our own health! X

[llm888]

Well my one has disappeared not heard from him since 6.45pm yesterday I am done I can’t do this anymore xx

[jetster9]

Is that your son ? Sounds like he lives with you. In some ways that is good, you can keep tabs on them. Hope he turns up soon.x

[llm888]

No my partner I have been through all this before starting about 7 years ago with my son luckily it was a phase for him and he has stopped doing cocaine now but my partner is really bad and I can’t take anymore. My sister was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney on Wednesday and he disappeared Wednesday night after and I am in bits as you can imagine worried sick about my sister. He works away in the week so he turned up contacted me Thursday morning then was at home in his digs Thursday and then spoke to him Friday yea time and I haven’t heard from him since while I am sat at home alone in a terrible state and I can’t do it any more he is not coming back and I won’t let him he can stay there. I didn’t want to abandon him I wanted to support him but he’s abandoned me at the worst time ever and quite frankly I need all my energy to stand by my sister to support her through this and I can’t deal with his excuses and drama stories associated to his addiction. I am done x

[jetster9]

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It is good she has you for support. Wishing you every strength with this, and keeping your distance from your partner. Stay strong x

[llm888]

Thank you ???? xx

[notmyrealname]

Sorry to hear about your sister. This is a problem they turn to the substance as an unhealthy coping strategy, my husbands the same whenever there has been a family crisis he isn’t there to support me as he goes into some kind of panic mode himself which means he goes and gets cocaine which makes our stress even worse.

[llm888]

No my partner I have been through all this before starting about 7 years ago with my son luckily it was a phase for him and he has stopped doing cocaine now but my partner is really bad and I can’t take anymore. My sister was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney on Wednesday and he disappeared Wednesday night after and I am in bits as you can imagine worried sick about my sister. He works away in the week so he turned up contacted me Thursday morning then was at home in his digs Thursday and then spoke to him Friday yea time and I haven’t heard from him since while I am sat at home alone in a terrible state and I can’t do it any more he is not coming back and I won’t let him he can stay there. I didn’t want to abandon him I wanted to support him but he’s abandoned me at the worst time ever and quite frankly I need all my energy to stand by my sister to support her through this and I can’t deal with his bull@@t excuses and drama stories associated to his addiction. I am done xx

[llm888]

No my partner I have been through all this before starting about 7 years ago with my son luckily it was a phase for him and he has stopped doing cocaine now but my partner is really bad and I can’t take anymore. My sister was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney on Wednesday and he disappeared Wednesday night after and I am in bits as you can imagine worried sick about my sister. He works away in the week so he turned up contacted me Thursday morning then was at home in his digs Thursday and then spoke to him Friday yea time and I haven’t heard from him since while I am sat at home alone in a terrible state and I can’t do it any more he is not coming back and I won’t let him he can stay there. I didn’t want to abandon him I wanted to support him but he’s abandoned me at the worst time ever and quite frankly I need all my energy to stand by my sister to support her through this and I can’t deal with his excuses and drama stories associated to his addiction. I am done xx

[llm888]

No my partner I have been through all this before starting about 7 years ago with my son luckily it was a phase for him and he has stopped doing cocaine now but my partner is really bad and I can’t take anymore. My sister was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney on Wednesday and he disappeared Wednesday night after and I am in bits as you can imagine worried sick about my sister. He works away in the week so he turned up contacted me Thursday morning then was at home in his digs Thursday and then spoke to him Friday yea time and I haven’t heard from him since while I am sat at home alone in a terrible state and I can’t do it any more he is not coming back and I won’t let him he can stay there. I didn’t want to abandon him I wanted to support him but he’s abandoned me at the worst time ever and quite frankly I need all my energy to stand by my sister to support her through this and I can’t deal with his excuses and drama stories associated to his addiction. I am done xx

[Author]

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