[charliedug]

Hi everyone, I’m new on here and just hoping that I can get any kind of advice on how to deal with my sons situation.

Please bear with me as I’ll try and start at the beginning – thank you.

Son has adhd, and due to behavioural issues and not getting on with with his dad (physical fighting and such), he was placed in care at 15, supposedly for respite for the family. There were many faults on both sides, my son has extreme anger issues, and hubby very stubborn and didn’t know how to deal with sons condition right from the start, I could see both sides and was often in the middle, husband wanted him out, and I still feel extremely guilty about it. Anyway at 16 he moved out into homeless accommodation, and was given lots of support from social work etc on how to manage finances, cook etc, and he had my support also, but still not his fathers. He was evicted from the accommodation around 6 months after he moved in for behavioural issues and placed in another unit, same thing happened for about 2 years, kept getting kicked out and re admitted to different places. Eventually moved in with a girl, and all appeared to be ok. They had lots of fights and he came to me saying that drug dealers had came to the house and attacked them, they were due £300. I was so scared I gave them £300 to pay it off. Fast forward another couple of years and more different houses due to evictions (he had massive help from his gran to clean/furnish and carpet them). He then split up with girlfriend and got his own place, and despite being on benefits didn’t pay his rent. I paid the lump sum for him to stop him being evicted and he promised he would continue payments, I’m afraid to know if he has or not. He then came to us in a terrible state needing £3000 to pay off dealers, husband and I decided to give it to him but explained there was going to be no more handouts (we have 3 other young adults living at home). He told me that he was making a liv8ng by selling drugs, which I don’t want any part of. Anyway didn’t see him for a while, I’m ashamed to say that it is a relief when he’s not in contact. We do meet up and chat now and again.

, but we live in totally different worlds. Anyway now he seems to have hit rock bottom, he has no money, no gas, electricity and swears he’s off any kind of drugs, and I hear him poring his heart out about how he feels not part of the family, he has this fantasy that we are all happy families, which is definitely not the case. Husband doesn’t want him in the house as he says he can’t be trusted and appears quite cold towards him, whereas my heart feels the pain of him, and I just don’t know how to help him. The way I cope with it is by putting him in a box to the back of my mind and locking it away otherwise I’d be ill with worry. My daughters and hubby tell me that he’s just using me and lying to me because he knows how to get to me, I feel that they are cold about the situation and he is still their son/brother at the end of the day. If he is off drugs then i want us to support him not push him back into them. I’m so scared I don’t know what to do for him, thank you for reading this longwinded post.

[lindyloo]

Hi Charliedug, welcome to the forum. Everyone here has a loved one who has addictions and also some people in recovery offering support.

Thank you for sharing your story, yet another family affected by the nightmare of addiction.

If you click above to ‘share your story ‘ and read the Theresa thread, there are several of us mums with sons with addictions and every one is so helpful and supportive. You can talk freely knowing you won’t be judged, and we’re all pretty much on the same boat.

My son is 28yrs and has cocaine and alcohol addictions. He’s been hard work since he was about 14.

We have been where you are, he’s currently in early recovery but doing well thankfully atm.

He reached out to us for support two years ago, up to his eyes in debt, dealers looking for him, in bad health, about to lose his job ,flat everything. He contacted AA and CA groups, went to meetings, met a sponsor and a good support network through these groups.

He has relapsed several times, but this is normal.

Nothing will change unless your son wants to change. It begins and ends with his choices.

In the meantime, let him know you love him, but you’re not here to pay off his mounting debt.

Find time for yourself, confide in a close friend or post here. The adfam homepage offer advice and support as does the Icarus trust who post here.

Take care of yourself Charliedug, this addiction problem can consume you as much as it consumes them.

Sending hugs ❤

Lx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read your post. What you are going through with your son’s addiction must be very hard for you. I’m glad that you have found this really supportive forum which I hope will help you. If you would like more support for yourself please contact us at Icarus Trust. we are a charity that provides support for people in your situation who are having to deal with addiction in their family. We have specially trained and experienced people called Family Friends. One of them would talk with you if you get in touch and maybe you would feel less scared and find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[Author]

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