[elf73]

Hi All

I’ve not long joined this forum but have been reading all the past posts. I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the similarities in all our stories. From the lies, manipulation, deflecting blame to the seedy all night porn and god knows what at all hours. It’s both comforting and disturbing to see I’m not alone.

At the moment I’ve reached a point where if things don’t change very soon my relationship with my partner of 22 years will come to an end. Luckily we have no children but we do have a house and a dog and it won’t be easy.

We’ve been through a lot together and I still love him and always will but he’s sinking more and more into his cocaine addiction and he’s becoming more cruel and selfish by the day. There is literally no love coming from him just manipulation. He knows I’m almost at the point of leaving so he’s trying really hard.. to hide it better and say more of the things he knows I want to hear. He’s still on it though.

I now think leaving is the only thing left to try and I just hope that when he has to face all of consequences of his drug taking that he will finally see for himself he has to quit. It is breaking my heart though and I’m so scared it will do the opposite and he sink further.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get it off my chest as I have nobody I can talk to about this.

[elf73]

.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[kulstar]

Hi Elf73

Yes, the common threads amongst the various life stories is slightly disconcerting. However it does make it slightly easier to deal with.

The fact that you say he knows you know and is trying harder is a good sign. He just hasn’t that lightbulb moment that cocaine is very short term (in many different senses!). I remember when my wife basically told me to go away for the night and clear my head I was quite excited really, it meant I could do what I wanted…except really I wanted to be normal. This was literally the final days of my sniffing / drinking escapades. What would’ve happened if she had just tried to carry on as normal? Who knows…

One thing is for certain, those few days I tried to mask me being away from my family by drinking more and sniffing more. I had more bags than Pablo Escobar but yet I had this desire to just be at home and I knew I was done with it. This is the effect of consequence, every action I took had a reaction within me. The more evil I consumed the greater the pull of the good. I see it now as a battle of good v bad, I was blessed the good won.

Now it isn’t for me to tell you what to do and as you say you could make it worse but what’s the alternative? He has to know his behaviour is not acceptable and he has to stop for him, not for you or your love else he’ll always be at risk of relapsing.

You say you’ve read many posts and hopefully you’ve come across my posts before. His emotions are cold and without rationale due to the drug. That’s just what it does and exploits the deepest darkest parts of your very being. It’s down to him to figure out what side he wants to be on, the Beast or the Spirit?

[elf73]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes I’ve read your posts and that’s what giving me some hope. You should be very proud of yourself, it’s clearly not an easy thing to overcome. You’ve really embraced your new outlook on life and it’s fantastic that you’re sharing your experience to help others.

I know he doesn’t want this to be his life and he just wants to feel normal too but at the moment the beast is definitely winning. He is bored with everything unless it involves coke but he’s not stupid. He knows very well that the cocaine has caused this in the first place. He knows that if he gives it up he will start to enjoy other things that life has to offer. He knows this, we’ve spoken about it.

I’ve told him I’m done now and looking for somewhere else to live. He’s now trying really hard but he knows that without me it, if he has to pay all the bills and buy food etc, he won’t be able to afford his habit. It’s not because he loves me and can’t bear to lose me. It’s certainly not because he’s ready to quit. At the moment I’m making it too easy for him to carry on, he doesn’t want to give that up.

He’s making sure he’s not doing as much so it’s harder for me to see the signs. He’s coming to bed at night. He’s pretending to be interested in my day when he was quite visibly bored of everything I said before. It’s all fake though. I can read him like a book, he thinks he’s getting away with it but he’s obviously still on it. He won’t be able to keep this control up for very long though. He will get too out of his face, he will get too angry when he runs out.

I’ve threatened to leave so many times but I couldn’t bear to just end our relationship, I love him so much. However, now that I think leaving might actually help him, not just me, I think its the right thing to do.

[kulstar]

Thank you for your kind words about my recovery, some good has to come out of my experience and it’s only right I try and serve as best I can.

You mention he wants to be normal, I know exactly how this feels. I used to look at people just walking, sat at home through their lounge windows (I wasn’t literally staring through peoples windows for clarity!) just relaxing and enjoying watching TV, people at the park (I even did a line behind the bushes while my kids played at the park, how mad is that?!) etc and I just wanted to be content.

Without the coke I felt void of life, nothing would excite me and everything (even washing the dishes) felt like such hard work. The hardest work were the come downs but in reality I’d learnt nothing just to it all again a few days later.

The breakthrough was really when I was tired of it all. It does appear your partner is seeing the effect this is having on him and he no longer wants to continue. I was on this path for about a year, wanting to stop but just not enough.

It’s sad but often severe consequences are required to stop. When I was heavily on it I almost wanted a medical episode to happen to make me stop.

I was lucky, I still have everything and have come out of this (hopefully) a better man. Coke attracted me due it being a middle upper class drug and I was confident I’d never move onto even harder drugs so in reality I knew that if I could conquer this then the world was waiting for me. I mention this because you are afraid of what he might do if you left him. Truth is no one knows, not even him but you taking severe action might just be the wake up call.

You mention the signs, I was doing the exactly same. Pretending and faking my out of it, it became a sad twisted game I was playing with my blessed wife. I never really got angry though as I always knew deep down somewhere this was all my own doing.

Btw ask anything and I’ll try to respond in the most authentic way possible.

[elf73]

Thank you, I appreciate that.

When I say he gets angry and moody I never feel scared or intimidated. We’ve always been very equal in terms of arguing and decision making etc. It just feels like he is losing his temper and over reacting at the slightest thing. He is also picking up on the slightest thing I do wrong and trying to make me feel really bad about it. I know he just wants to make himself feel better that he’s not always the bad guy and I also have faults but that’s also really draining. As much as I know that’s what he’s doing it and I understand why, it can still hurt.

He is taking it every day now and has been doing for at least 6 months. Do you think it is possible to quit without regular help? He has seen a drug counseller but I don’t think he told them the truth so he was just sent away with some leaflets.

The hardest part is not being able to talk to him about it. If I mention it he says I’m making it worse and just to trust him but how can I when he’s lied so much?

[Author]

Posts