[sae1996]

I posted on here earlier about my boyfriends relapsing but I am just really struggling.

He does not want to talk about it and it’s almost like I’m the bad person. I feel out of everyone (even including his parents) I am only taking this seriously.

This is my future too, and I am living in fear about what it holds where only 10 months ago I was living my best life.

I’m absolutely gutted and I don’t know what more I can do, I can’t keep this being strong act up any longer.

[danman83]

Well you need tell him get his act together or thats it.. your 22, you have your whole future ahead of you. Do you really want be on here in 10 years time saying.. my bf has had a problem for 10 year now?

Your young, got a bright future, start thinking of yourself. Before its to late!

I wish i could turn back time and so does my gf probably. You still have a chance. So id give him 1 last chance and be stick to your guns. But thats entirely up 2 u

[sae1996]

I don’t know how too, I’ve tried and don’t feel I’m being taken seriously.

I am starting to think of myself more, but it’s hard because he has so much potential. He is unbelievably smart, no one has a bad word to say about him and I know I’m biased but he can do so much with his life and it’s so difficult to watch him do this.

How’re you getting on today?

[danman83]

It happens to the best of us.. has he downloaded that pocket rehab app? Its good you know. That woman off you tube has a book on ebay. About crack cocaine and how to stop. Its only 100 pages. Its great and helps alot. Its only about 7quid.

Ye am doing good thanks, 22 days today. Still reading my books. Ive got about 5 now lol. Still listening to cocaine recovery stories on you tube. And believe me some of there stories are a lot worse. And they have beat crack. So your bf can stop.

Hows he getting on? When was last time he had it? Whats he doing now to stop?

[danman83]

Plus what your bf has learned might not be the best method for him., when ive watched that louise clarke and reading her book. She explains it better.

I wont go in to detail haha. But hes young , he can stop. Just keep an eye on him.

[sae1996]

I told him about the app, but I think you need to choose the right time to talk about stuff (would you agree being the addict?) I texted him about it and he didn’t seemed bothered, I really want him to download it though.

Great to hear you’re doing well, books are helpful! He also has a lot of books about it but hasn’t got round to reading them all and when you’re on a come down I’m guessing the last thing you wanna do is read about your addiction – you feel shit as it is.

I haven’t seen him since Sat and as far as I know he hasn’t used since Sat night/ early hours Sunday morning. He is doing his usual routine which he learnt from rehab, but I really don’t know, he thinks when I ask I’m nagging or going on but I’m not I am genuinely just asking.

Sooo annoying haha! How have you dealt with the cravings and withdrawals?

[danman83]

I wouldnt mention anything on a come down, he knows what hes done wrong ,

and all that will be going through his head is regretting it ,and depression.

But when hes ok he should be accepting any advice going if he wants quit? U not think? .

You know what tho, you are doing what i want my gf should be doing with me.

She dont even go on about it to me. If i went to buy beer she would say dont or no your not!. But she never says your doing good, or ive found this for you.

She shouts at me a lot in general. For nothing! She dont talk to me really. No emotion or sex anymre haha sorry for that. And its not because of me. Shes just a phycho with a temper. Some times i think she wants me fuk up.

Any way for the cravings. I go over in my head, its over with you two now, its a bad relationship. Would your kids want to see you dead. I go back to when ive been crying on my tod from that stuff, and think do i want to be like that.

Plus that councillor louise clarke recommends these chinese herbal tablets for cravings. Addicts shes treated have used them and they helped. Ive just bought them off ebay

2 boxes off 200 tabs for 12 quid. 10 tabs everytime u get cravings , there only little balls. The tabs are called

Jia wei xia oyao wan.

[sae1996]

He does accept it and take it in but doing it is another thing, I think for him he it has to click. If that makes sense.

Maybe your girlfriend has kind of had enough and feels emotionless to it, I got to that point too. Maybe she finds it hard to talk about because she might of wanted to talk to you about it a lot times but you haven’t been available due to being high? I am not sure?

I think you should tell her, I think encouragement is SO important. You need to be told you’re doing great otherwise you might think why the hell am I doing this? You know – I think you should tell her and that you need her support as the first few months are very hard.

I too have a bad temper especially when things like this happen but its because I care so maybe she is the same? I doubt she wants you to mess up!

I will take a look at Louise Clarke, but I don’t want to seem too forceful but I can educate myself in the meantime!

I wonder how those tablets help – let me know how you get on with those!

[b8988]

I agree totally about being the right time to talk to an addict. Apparently there’s a cycle and it depends where they are in that cycle if they are willing to stop or at least to think about it.

When my husband was at his worst using 3/4 times a week he was vile! It wouldn’t have mattered what I’d suggested or threatened he would have told me to do one.

Other times he’s still not overly as pro active as I would be about tips to quit. I do all the hard work, the researching, the links, the success stories, the lot! He will have a look if I see something but he’s not enthusiastic as such.

Other times I will blank him and not do the chasing and he will chase me then, however if he was deep in it, I doubt he would.

That’s why they have to do it on their own. It seems so simple doesn’t it? To leave them to it, if only we didn’t love them it would be easy. I’ve wished for that so bad sometimes, I wish I’d just fall out of love so I could move on and forget him. It’s like he’s my drug, I’m codependent that’s the problem.

[sae1996]

Yeah definitely, it’s so hard to find the right time plus sometimes when I’m feeling really upset and low about it I get so mad and say why is it always in your time when we can talk? I struggle with that because I find it so hard to understand how they know someone is upset and just not acknowledge it.

I do a lot of researching but since he went to rehab he knows what to do, it’s just applying it to every day life. It’s hard. Maybe there’s an underlying issue, a lot of addictions stem from a trauma, or mental health issues etc? It’s a very dark road to go down but can be beneficial to find out the cause of all this.

Yes in an ideal world, it would be easy! In Al Anon I learnt that we need to put ourselves first and admit we’re powerless over our partners actions and almost learn to live our lives and not base it around them (its very hard to get your head round but does seem beneficial – although I find it hard to understand how people can just act like it’s not happening)

I’m not sure if you’ve heard of the 12 step programme, but there is one for co-dependants which is good. I have started it twice and then stopped when things were good but should probably give it another go. I bought the book off amazon.

[georgia26]

I will be completely honest with you, I noticed my boyfriends problem about a year ago. It took him a whole year of me nagging, crying and begging for him to get help until he finally realised he had a problem.

Unless he REALLY wants to stop, then he wont, it cant be done half hearted. My bf went to the doctors they sent him to support groups etc.

I really feel so bad for you, you are young though and starting your adult life, I personally wouldnt get dragged down by this. Addiction is an incurable disease and it can only be managed and i find that hard to accept, I too don’t want to be 10 years down the line arguing about drugs/drink.

Isnt it just the worst feeling, I am so anxious all the time.. I am 26 and I want a family now and to get married but I am constantly in fear of my bf relapsing, hes going counselling which seems to be helping.

how often does he do it? does he fully admit his problem? and girl – i am the same! his Mum doesn’t take it seriously and says its an anxiety release, yes, it is. But its an addiction and even he admits it! so frustrating.

[danman83]

Ye your prob right about my gf. I have caused her a lot of grief and shes stuck by me

[hox]

I have never been angry or shouted at my husband before all this.

Now I cannot tell you how angry I am and how much I shout at him when I feel like it. I say when I feel like it because most of the time I am emotionless. I now try to cut off like he does. Sometimes I feel like I’m all cried out.

[b8988]

The worst bit is when you’re distraught and they are emotionless. Pre drugs my husband would shed a tear if I was ever upset and now he just looks almost through me.

I used to be the hardest person I know, even death didn’t effect me that much. Now I cry over a lot! If I try to say out loud some of the things I’ve been through I will cry and my husband will tell me to pull myself together or to get a grip! It doesn’t make a difference that you know the drugs are causing it, for some reason your brain still tells you they don’t care or must not love you.

[hox]

My husband would too. If I was upset he would be upset too. Cry with me. We were that close. Like you say, emotionless now. He looks right through me. There is nothing in those eyes.

[b8988]

I might attend al anon – as that’s the only group in my area no drug ones. One bloke told me they are all based on the same idea whether it be drugs or alcohol, is that true? Do you think it would help? X

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m so sorry to hear that you are really struggling and feel that you are on your own in taking your boyfriend’s addiction seriously. It does have a big impact on the people around them who are trying hard to support.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We provide support to people like you who are dealing with a family member’s addiction. If you think it would help please get in touch and we could pass you on to one of our trained and experienced people who you could talk with. They would also be able to let you know what other support is available. Talking with someone who understands may help you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[sae1996]

@B8988 Hi! Yes Al Anon is for any addiction whether it be gambling, drugs, alcohol etc. It is good and makes you realise you really are not alone. You do not have to share if you don’t want too – I didn’t but I think I was in shock about being there and it was all too much plus I hate public speaking!

I went to family therapy also when my boyfriend was in rehab and that was helpful.

Why don’t you give it a go? I would deffo recommend the book, it gives you questions to answer and it makes you think of it from our point of you which I find is a good exercise! Also a little bit off topic but might help, cos I spend a lot of my day thinking about this, I have the Ferne Cotton Happy book and journal and I am loving the journal! It allows you to just have some time for you, I do it before bed so I can just reflect on myself.

Maybe doing something like that will help you and be a good distraction even if it is for 5 minutes x

[b8988]

Ohh thanks I might give it a go. There’s a meeting on tomorrow night, so I’ll go to that. See how I get on.

Yes I’ll have a look at the ferne book too. I deffo spend far too much time thinking of all the awful things my husband has ever done, or looking at getting him the best help etc. That I’ve lost my identity. Since he’s moved away I find my thoughts being so negative and I’m scared of the future. I need to detach if I’m honest.,

[sae1996]

* your point of view

[bluebell]

Same. Those dead eyes and the lack of emotion. Last time I cried in front of mine which was about 3 months ago he just offered me a spliff. I suppose there was an element of thoughtfulness there, lol! Although my gut reaction is that he just can’t handle dealing with his own emotions let alone mine, anything to stop confronting the situation!

Has anyone else noticed a serious memory problem? My ex is becoming more forgetful. He has been asking me the same question several times like just minutes after the first time. Or maybe my answer isn’t interesting enough.

Danman, you are doing really well. At least you are trying, unlike my ex, as he doesn’t think he has a problem…

[danman83]

Thanks bluebell. Its getting harder. I keep thinking about it now and again. But i have to blank it out.

Does your bf have a coke problem aswell

[bluebell]

Hi Danman, you’re really doing well, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. Do you feel you need it just to feel normal or do you miss the rush? Please don’t give up! I wish my husband was trying like you are. Oh boy! He certainly does have a coke habit. 7 years of use, st one point spending approx £700 a month on it and drinking alcohol at the same time. He’s now £50,000 in debt but will pay that off when we divorce as I am paying him off. He claims he is no longer doing it. This is not true as his behaviour points otherwise. This Sunday he had my two boys (11 and 9) and they told me daddy went to bed for 3 hours whilst they were there. He also picked them up at 8:30 on Sunday looking like he hadn’t slept (he lives up the road so not driving them). He was late as he was “getting petrol”. No he wasn’t, he was getting a bag of weed so he could bring himself down, his sleeping confirms my suspicions. I don’t say anything any more as I am fed up of his bare faced lies, and we’re not together so it’s only my business if it affects the kids. They have phones and are old enough to come home down the road if they want to. They know he takes drugs as they found them hidden in a zippy toy in his car! It was skunk fortunately and not cocaine. My son took it from him and gave it to me! That was September last year. He loves them as best he can. I suspect he is in deeper than I realised. Danman, it seems my ex doesn’t want to give up, despite losing me, the boys, our family home. I think there is a midlife crisis in here somewhere as he plans on starting a record label. He’s been talking about it for years…..

[danman83]

Sorry for the late reply only just seen it.. ye is suppose i miss the rush.. it makes u feel good. But then the downwers are the worst things ever ive come across. Fuk me 700.. think how many hols you could of gone on lol. Ive not told my gf this.. but i always say i just got 1. But in fact it was 2 or 3. 120 just wasted like that. Am doing much better now tho. And i feel great. Im just worried now. If it comes back and i have no control.and i let everyone down.but im doing good now. Thanks. How you doing anyway

[b8988]

Try not to worry danman83- the 12 step program teaches you not to worry about the future and just take each day as it comes, each clean day is progress. Admit you are powerless over your addiction. Maybe try a group meeting like Narcotics anonymous for extra support on staying clean. Quitting is the easy bit, it’s staying stopped. Oh and have a relapse provention plan, my hubby would say “ I’m not gonna use again, or I don’t want to think about using” Then when it happened he’d hit it hard again and we’re back to square one.

[georgia26]

love these groups you know – they help me a lot. As no one I know understands at all, so i dont bother trying to explain it as i am seen to be the possessive girlfriend who is obsessed with my bfs drinking/drug taking!

[danman83]

Ive had councilling sessions but there at night, and my gf is at work till 9 . The n i.have go to work at 9 for my nightshift.

So its hard to get to meetings.

And Georgia dont worry what people think, your just being a good gf and help ing your bf.

Ive got a question for you both.. lol

Case scenario.. your both leave your partners.. and meet 2 new guys…and they take coke aswell.. and you like them alot.. would you take it futher the relationship or end it?

Because coke is everywere and i hate that it is.

[danman83]

*you

[bluebell]

Danny, I would have to say no. My life has been ruined because of cocaine. Seeing my best friend disappear in front of my eyes and all the things I loved about him gone. The last 7 years I have been walking on eggshells wondering what was happening and then when I knew all my attempts to help were just thrown back at me. The lies were insane and ecause unkind. To be honest I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again even if they didn’t have a drug problem! I don’t think I have it in me to go through all of that again!

[danman83]

I dont blame you. Were i live in bolton its rife with it.. its everywere. Even my sons mates are on it at school and ketermine. 15 years old and on coke and ketermine. If i ever go out in town which i never do. All you hear in the toilets is sniffing. It does ruin lifes and familys. And some who have it alot dont even know there an addict.

[cally1001]

I Used to live close Bolton and it’s true, I am originally from Liverpool which is even worse!!!

All you hear is sniff sniff, I remember always coming out of the toilet saying to my husband how disgusting it was etc and he used to agree!!! He was bloody doing it aswell!!

Long story short I have already posted my story but he for the last 12 years was having it occasionally apparently but last 2 years 6 months after we married it hit it hard!

Only found out in Dec 17, tried to make a go if it From march 18 but in Nov 18 he admitted he had never stopped.

He was having appox 1 gram a day and would disappear some weekends and o would see 500-1000 go out the bank.

He came back in Dec for 2 weeks and was hallucinating seeing the devil etc and could not stop, first time I had seen it with my own eyes.

I haven’t left him he left me in Xmas eve saying he could not do this together and I didn’t deserve it!

Not seen it heard anything since frost week in Jan.

Danman maybe you can answer, Would someone leave for their wife because it’s nit fair or would it be so he could take it without the so called nagging?

Thanks

[danman83]

It could be a bit of both, ive said am leaving a few times because its not fair on my gf and kids. But she says .. so your leaving us all.. so ive stayed. But the nagging is because , its only my own fault, i deserve it. But u need to sort your self out 1st. If hes left or leaves. He will just get worse on it.

[cally1001]

Also with the amount he was taking could he just stop?

That’s what he has told friends etc?

Also must mention he was on steroids aswell spent a lot of time in the gym where a lot of this started!

[bluebell]

Cally, my ex did the same, but then decided to say he wasnt in love with me etc etc was totally feral and mean but then is hell bent on me trusting him again saying he will make me trust him. He did £700 a month at his peak. He was on it Friday night for sure as he had a blinder of a come down staying in bed and not answering his sons calls on Saturday. When he eventually surfaced he looked awful and was very rude to me. Sunday he apologised. He is actually snorting as we speak as alternate Tuesday’s he works in London and used to roll in on the morning train at 7am. He thinks I don’t know what he’s up to and claims he just gave it up! ???????????? We’ve all seen Julie Clark’s YouTube and know it can’t be true. If it is he should write a book himself and help all the people who actually do want to give up! He thinks he is driving the kids to school tomorrow. He so isn’t as I don’t trust him. This means he will be really rude to me tomorrow but I’ve decided I am not tolerating his bad behaviour. We’re getting divorced, so that’s it for me now.

Cally, we want to believe their lies. Gosh I so did, but what I always go back to is this. My man promised me the moon on a friggin stick! Actions speak louder than words. I was permanently disappointed. If you’re like me you will be questioning yourself, your attractiveness beating yourself up over this and that which they told you you had done, but the bottom line is this; none of this has the slightest thing to do with us. And unlike Danny (and Danny I think you are amazeballs by the way and wish my ex was as strong as you!) our men don’t want to change, or can’t change. To quote Mel Beattie, people ultimately do what they want to do. They feel and think what they want to do and do things they believe they need to do and will change only when they are ready. It doesn’t matter if they are wrong and we are. Right. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with getting better. In my case my ex just resented my efforts and resisted, he then redoubled his efforts, it felt, just to prove he won’t be controlled. He temporarily adapted to my demands but the moment I turned my back he reverted to his natural state of lying and drug taking. I think his bad behaviour towards me was because he wanted to punish me for making him somethingnhe doesn’t want to be. In my case a responsible father and husband. I’m not sure it’s just the cocaine for my ex, I think he had a life planned out which didn’t happen and he turned to it to feel better. He dreamed of being a musician or DJ and that’s what he is supposed to be doing. His 2 bed flats second bedroom is a studio, not a room for his sons. We had a studio, I built it for him with my inheritance for my Nan, but even that wasn’t enough. Maybe your ex and my ex can’t quit because they don’t want to. My ex definitely thinks he missed out on life, the cocaine has a hold of him, and the weed, that he smokes every day. He basically switches himself on and off with the two. He’s definitely addicted but I think my ex had some mental health issues before then. I found some strange notes etc when he left where he was sort of talking to himself. Some of it was heartbreaking, as to how he wanted to look after me and the boys but had wasted time on music, the latter stuff was awful, basically a list of all the reasons why he hated me.

Maybe your ex had some underlying issues too and that’s why he can’t quit?

But the point is, it isn’t actually anything too do with us at all, it’s all o do with them. Yes we get hurt, my kids got hurt, but it wasn’t anything that we did. They are their issues. Letting go is what we are supposed to do, because they cannot see our pain, they are too busy concentrating on their own. Easier said than done. I find it hard, very hard, but ultimately we only have control over ourselves. To get through all this I think we need to start concentrating on ourselves and let them do what they need to do.

Gosh, sorry for waffling!

But no, your ex hasn’t given up, and the only truth you probably have is that everything he says could be a lie. If you take that approach you can actually start seeing the funny side of the lies and other odd behaviours. I now chuckle to myself over little things. For example last week he told me spreadable butter was bad for me, to which I looked up, nodded and said, good to know… as he rolled a spliff in front of me whilst gurning cocaine styly. At least I know he’s not having trans fatty acids, he doesn’t want any of those floating around his system. Only nice clean skunk and cocaine with whatever junk it’s been cut with! We have to laugh or we will never stop crying over those lost dreams! Life will get better I am sure. And I am noticing my calm days now outweigh my bad days, and my relationship with my sons is absolutely amazing, we are extremely close, probably as a result of all we have been through.

[cally1001]

Hi

Me again!

Just wanted some advice, bluebell and Danman any ideas on the below?

Had no contact for 5 weeks with my husband.

So I found where my husband is living he ordered something from just eat from my account so could see his address!!

Against my better judgement I went there as had some paperwork and needed to know what was going on with divorce etc.

I got there and there was a young girl in there with him he is 42 and she is 22, so I knocked and said to him that’s the final kick in the teeth etc and was upset.

He came out and said what do you think I am a weirdo??? We are flat mates sharing half the bills etc.

I drove home and 1hr later he turns up crying saying he had to give me space what he has done to me is unacceptable. He said he hadn’t stopped Coke but was not doing as much. He said he could not come home as if he did it again to me it would destroy me. He said I was a beautiful person and deserve more and I am too good for him.

He transferred £1500 into my account as he knows I am struggling with bills etc.

He said he knows he loves me but feels empty and is just angry all the time etc.

He left then rang the next day and was like a different person, saying you have to move on it’s hard but dint live you.

He then rang later saying I have bought you these vitamins as you look to thin and I will transfer more money over.

His sister has just rang and said have you seen him? He is off work today (4th time in a new job) so it will be curtains for him this time I reckon?

My head is all over the place at the moment.

Thanks

Cally

[bluebell]

Hi Cally, I’m sorry you had all this to deal with. Do you want my truthful opinion? He’s been caught out. He’s reverted back to any tactic he thinks may work in order to manipulate you. Do you really buy that he is flatmates with this girl? Stop for a second, take a deep breath and listen to what your heart is telling you. You already know what you need to do about this situation. He’s feeling guilty, his behaviour is erratic, he’s doing coke and now found a young fellow partaker. Whatever is going on there, it isn’t right! You deserve so so much better, on that point I would agree with him! I know it is so so hard babe, I’ve been there and worn the T shirt. My ex wants to have a “sesh” with me tomorrow. This means drink alcohol and try and manipulate me into staying in his life as although he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want to let go either.

Neither of our exes want to change. They left for a reason. I know it is so so painful to accept but actions speak louder than words. This situation is only going to end in more pain. My ex fessed up to taking coke on Friday last night and then accused me of having him followed he is so paranoid! I envy you in that you do not have children with your ex and can walk away and start afresh! I have to see mine and it is awful, it’s not good for my kids when he is hanging out his backside either. I daydream about moving and not telling him where we’ve gone!

You need to start doing things for you. I know it is difficult to hear, and I have been in your shoes desperately clinging onto hopes and dreams. Nothing dies more slowly or painfully than the death of our dreams. I remember you saying you didn’t have much support. If you fancy coming down to snowy Essex (yep snowing at the mo!) can I suggest you hop on a coach and come and escape from it down here? You can talk to me and vent it all out, swap stories of the bizarre over a bottle of prosecco and write a list of all the things that you are going to do for yourself. I have been very lucky by having a load of great friends whopping my arse to see sense. Sounds like you need someone to listen and let you get it all off your chest. I’ve got a spare room, you are welcome to stay and my two boys are very well behaved (most of the time ????) The offers there if you want to. Sending big hugs xx

[cally1001]

Thanks bluebell means a lot.

I will definitely take you up on that offer, no one understands unless they have been through it.

When I spoke to his sister earlier she did act shocked when I said they are together as she has been to the flat and said they are flat mates sharing bills but he lies to everyone they have no idea how bad he is as he hides it well.

His sister told me the girl has left as she was upset to see me crying as the girl txt her, why would she txt his sister if she is just a flat mate all very bizarre.

Find it so strange, it’s not that I am jealous far from it I just find it quite disturbing at his age either way if nothing happening or it is it’s jus not right either way!

He has told me many times his family hate me, I said this to his sister today and she was angry she said I have never said that in fact she has always said she wishes she was more like me, strong and take no shit (not at the moment ????)

I suppose I am just heartbroken all this has happened, I have tried to see it is the drugs but emotions just take over.

I am seeing a councillor and she says the same, I have to mourn the dreams I have lost and at the moment it’s irrelevant about the drugs as my emotions only see my husband has left me which makes sense.

I feel for you as you are tied to him with the kids, so I should be happy really I can just walk away which I will but just hard at the moment.

I move house tomorrow on my own me and the dog so I am hoping this will be my fresh start.

I hated drugs anyway before all this and I detest them now, they are the work of the devil. The people taking them do not realise how many people they hurt for every drug addict suffering there must be 10+ people in the background suffering but got no drugs to hide behind and when the shit hits the fan the addict gets all the help and becomes the victim (sorry if that offends anyone trying to recover), makes no bloody sense.

He had 30k when he left in Nov he now has 17k left, if he says 17 you can bet it is less!!

I think if he was down and out no job and no money it would make sense to me but as he is still functioning (for now) just feels like a kick in the teeth.

Then I feel guilty that I want him to lose everything but I think for someone like him that is the only way now.

Just so sad.

Cally.x

[danman83]

I think you need to move on.. how the hell has he got on to a 22year old girl anyway to share a place with? Cutting down is no good. And what vitamins make you put on weight?? He sounds like hes on another planet.

[cally1001]

Hi Dan

He is a operations manager with a large firm and this girl worked at the same place so even that is weird in itself as I do the same job and I would certainly raise eyebrows where I work, but I know they spoke from time to time, he can be a charmer as well and she will be impressionable.

Unless like bluebell says she also takes coke so he has a little side kick, the guy I know would be horrified if his friend was going that etc, our niece who we love is 20 just so wrong!

He definitely hasn’t cut down he looks grey and I always know what someone tells you how much you should double or triple the guy is too far gone.

Not sure if you read any of my other posts but he was having it every day and he said he was goin 2 eight balls in easy on a binge and whatever else he takes.

Your right he is on another planet but that’s whats hard as he really was a decent guy b4 all this but I think some people are beyond or don’t want help.

Cheers

[danman83]

Hes taking a shit load by sounds of it. He must have some cash. Him having his own place , he wont cut down if anything he will just get more.

And she must be having it with him..what sort of girl would want to flat or house share with a 42 year old.. unless she is seeing him.. or hes supplying free coke . Your best off out of there hun

[cally1001]

He earns a lot of money in his job and also had 30k half the profit from our house sale.

Yes he is taking loads he must be he o my has 17k left since Nov and his wage on top!

Although he is not in work today he has been of a lot and his only a newish job, can’t see it lasting he was sacked from his last one.

I think he must be seeing her but that in itself is awful not because I am jealous but he could be her dad just so wrong, she is a young Asian girl (not that has anything to do with it) but must think he is something he is not or as you say she takes it aswell.

He and his sister are saying she has left now as she was upset when I turned up and felt sorry for me as I was crying, why would a flat mate be arsed!

I know I am best out if it but I just can’t get the man I married out if my head and still stupidly believe he is in there somewhere I know I am delusional!

Cheers

[bluebell]

Babe, my number is [number removed]. WhatsApp me and we’ll sort a visit down to Essex for you. You need to read a book by Melody Beattie called Co dependent no more. It will help you understand why you feel the way you do and how to let go.

Babe, brace yourself, hard truth coming, and I still cry every time I think about it but you do reach a more pragmatic state, but, your lovely husband, the one you married, he’s gone. I’m so so sorry to say it babe, but your ex is using as much as mine did. My ex is not there. I have searched for him, I have tried everything but he has become something unrecognisable. Do something symbolic to come to terms with it.

We had a daughter but she died before her due date. She is buried in the church near my home. When I put flowers on her grave I pull one out of the bunch and put it in a different vase for my soulmate, the man I fell in love with. He is as dead as she is. I never got over her but I learned to live with it, I believe I will meet her one day. If I can learn to live with losing her I will learn to live with losing him. Life doesn’t seem fair, it doesn’t matter how much we care or love but when you learn to accept what it deals you and stop fighting against it you will get a sense of peace.

I am in an awful 80”s club in Brighton as we speak, life has a warped sense of humour, lol! Beautiful things can happen. And annoying as it sounds I can confidently tell you that it is true what they say, time is a healer xx

[danman83]

Can i save your num and come aswell? Hahah ojkin..

But being serious , im so sorry about your daughter. I can tell you have been through a lot. And to lose your husband like this. Its not good at all.

I hope you do find peace and move on and be happy. But avoid coke heads lol

[bluebell]

Haha! You’re welcome Danny ????

Yes, it’s been a shit few years, but at least I have my two wonderful boys and they are awesome so I can’t complain!

Keep my number and if you ever feel you are going to use, WhatsApp me and I will try and help you through it. You really are doing well and I just wish my ex would be like you.

Tonight he is coming to discuss how we now move forward given that he keeps lying to me. I still don’t understand why when he is sad he uses. He says a cuddle is not what he “needs”. Confusing to me as most people appreciate a hug if they are down but I guess it is the pull of the coke and he wants to distract himself from the pain f the feelings that he is somehow trying to avoid? If you can shed any light on this before I talk to him I would be so grateful!

Keep up the good work! You are now over a month without come. Awesome! ????????

[danman83]

I appreciate that and i will thanks.. so how do you want to move forward? Are you still together? Does he still want to use or quit?

[cally1001]

Update on mine, he went into work and was drug tested at 06:30! Says he has been sacked.

I have moved today, had 5 friends helping and it look amazing.

Today is the start of a new life for me.

Thanks for all your support guys.

Cheers

Elaine

[danman83]

Onwards and upwards now ✊

[hox]

Wishing you peace in your heart and mind.

Good luck in your new home Elaine and your new life.

[georgia26]

Good luck with your new life Elaine.. I wish you all the strength in the world <3 🙂

[dnanon]

Elaine, I wish you all the best in your new life xx

[bluebell]

Hi Cally! Wishing you every happiness in your new home! Did you talk to your friends about how you feel? Seriously, tell them, sometimes people don’t realise we are struggling and it’s only when we tell them that they leap in as otherwise they think we have ourselves together. I hope you got some good hugs from them.

It sounds like your ex is heading to his rock bottom. Did he tell you this? Interesting as my ex felt the need to tell me the most extraordinary things about what he got up to (one story included prostitutes in Germany and a random bloke from Amsterdam, but apparently he didn’t “do anything” ????????). I wondered why at the time he felt the need to tell me, but sometimes I think it is their way of showing ushowtotally lost they actually are.

If he was the one to tell you I wouldnt be surprised if you hear more from him as he suddenly starts to realise what he has done to himself and all around him.

This is when you are going to need to be strong and put some boundaries down. The temptation is to rescue them. It won’t work.

My ex spent the evening with me last night and we talked from the heart. He claims he has given up and only slipped up last week. I would love to believe it but I am not convinced. It was beautiful and sad at the same time. He loves me, I love him, we both said it. But he needs to recover. I told him that I was at a crossroad in my life and that I was ok loving him from afar as that is how I feel but that I want to move on with my life and that he had been very hurtful when using to me and the children and that I didn’t want to be married to him any more. I don’t think he thought I would ever feel like that but sadly I do. Being married didn’t protect me or the children, it put us in a place of fear where I was at the mercy of his cocaine infused decisions. When we are divorced I get the keys and I keep my boys safe from rows, anxiety and moodiness.

Yes, I will always be in love with my husband. Frustratingly, last night he showed me the man he once was, I haven’t seen him in a long long while, but every now and again he would say something or draw a conclusion that was very random and alarming. I could never relax and truly be myself again, I would always be vigilant and worried. I chose not to live like that any more. It is interesting, but me saying I accepted him for what he was and hoped one day he found what he was looking for seems to have had some sort of effect. Maybe there is some really wise truth in leaving them alone to let them figure it out themselves. Maybe now I’ve stopped trying to rescue him he’s trying to figure out how to do it himself.

Who knows, maybe he will figure this out himself. He told me he doesn’t want to do it as it has ruined his life. That’s some good insight. Maybe with a divorce and two years down the line clean we may find each other again. But I am going to just get on with my life and take each day as it comes.

Wishing you every happiness in your new home Cally xxx

[cally1001]

Thanks everyone.

Not going to lie been difficult but onwards and upwards.

I have started writing a journal for all my thoughts and when you read it, it hits home what’s has actually happened!

Unconscious in the car cracked out of his brain, all the money in the account dissappearing, lies, deceit, ill health, binges, comedowns, false promises, 3 jobs lost, selling our lovely home, etc etc etc!!

Why did I stay??? I should have gone years ago!

To think he still blames me for his drug taking it really is starting to be laughable.

Hope everyone is ok.x

[hox]

It will not be plain sailing we all know the score, but you are getting stronger.

I write stuff down myself, I have to otherwise I wouldn’t believe what was happening myself.

I was a bit brave today, I saved myself £35 a month on my council tax bill with husband leaving our home this week. Not much on the grand scale of things, it wouldn’t be enough for a night out on the ‘coke’ 😉 but a step forward, me taking a bit of control.

Stay strong.

[cally1001]

Excellent you are saving money, no matter how big or small it may be!

It really does help writing things down.

We should get together and do a book that goes to schools on why you should not take drugs it would be a bestseller????

I have always prided myself in being strong and independent and I am pissed off that I let This take over my life.

We are all worth more and we need to be strong! This site is really good for us as we know we are not alone.xxxx

[hox]

It would be a best seller with all the rantings and ravings. How many more people are there out there suffering the same as us I don’t know. If only we knew of the devastation that coke could cause us, this recreational drug.

The folk on this site have been so understanding and supportive.

[bluebell]

I am cross with myself for letting my ex manipulate me again! He said yesterday morning he would help me last night with something, I presumed that evening as it was urgent. Then sent me a few inappropriate messages (making light of drug taking) then just didn’t message me until 4:25 am to tell me he would drive the kids to school. He hadn’t even read my messages.

I am annoyed as I was in a place of moving on and really getting my shit together and then he did the usual manipulation of being nice and telling me he loved me etc etc. I’m such a fool. I need to just say cannot do this any more to him. But then this morning before he got out of his car he was busy texting someone and didn’t even notice me at the door. I wanted to see if he was high/ coming down as he was driving my son to school. Curiously he seemed very normal but complained of being hot which worried me as he kept opening my front door and I kept shutting it as it was cold. I then decided to take my son to school and he got a bit upset and asked me if I was good (meaning ok with him).

Wish I could extract myself and my boys from this awful situation and run away from him. I really wish I didn’t see him. I seriously don’t think he gets it at all!

[hox]

It is hard to extract ourselves from the situation and I can’t run away either.

I try not to get annoyed nowadays or at least try not to show it.

My husband doesn’t manipulate like yours does though as the love is not there anymore for control. I’m the same I wish he would disappear off the face of the earth.

Yesterday I had a phone call at work from husband, he was talking about my mums financial issues and saying how he would always support her. (She has dementia) He was also talking about my siblings and their other halves taking advantage of us. As he was going to work he would talk to me about it later. I was really moved by this and quite emotional as he was talking to me like my soul mate, my loving, supportive husband who could talk to me about anything and everything ……..wait for it, he didn’t get in till after I had gone to bed and he didn’t wake me up, so we didn’t have that conversation.

I try to accept now that at the time he is probably concerned or wants to do something. But later he has forgotten all about it. This is for my sanity. Like you it hurts me so much, you are not alone.

[icarus-trust]

Good luck Cally.

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