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I found out in June my husband had been taking cocaine on and off for 1.5 years or so. Since being found out he said he had gone off it but he had told me in August he had relapsed back onto it a couple of weeks later. Since then he has been seeing a counsellor and he has changed completely. However…I just can’t seem to forgive the fact he lied to me for so long. It wasn’t even just cocaine as he was drinking at work also. Has anyone been able to forgive as right now I am so unhappy and even though he is so lovable towards me and is such a great person I suddenly feel different about everything. It isn’t the same anymore and I don’t feel the same about him or our marriage. Any advise would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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I’m so glad I’ve come across your post, my situation is a little different, I left my addicted ex a few months back and I am still struggling to forgive or let go, even if it’s for myself. I am sure there are people on here who have been able to forgive, but I can only imagine with a great deal of time and shown changed behaviour. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone to feel like it’s a struggle to forgive though. Have you maybe considered your own recovering/healing by attending family support groups or a counsellor? Sending all my thoughts to you during this time
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<p style=”text-align: right;”>Yes for a big part of it, I couldn’t let go of the lies and the betrayal and I was not only destroying myself, but her and our relationship as I didn’t believe a single word she would tell me. I still wouldn’t get the whole truth about things and the lies would still continue so even if I did forgive one thing the next one came along very quickly and it all built up and got too much. She eventually licked cocaine off a Porto loo floor and I lost a lot of love I had for her, but it is still very painful to this day as I wish things could be so different. I know I still haven’t managed to forgive as the times I’ve spoken to her, I’m filled with anger and sadness and still bring it up. I’m working with my therapist to let go of the anger and work towards forgiveness for myself. I hear you with the hardest decision ever having to make as it has also been mine, I’m re learning to trust myself again but it’s taking a long time. I would suggest talking through with someone to help you make the right decision for you. Always here to talk xx</p>
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Therapy for me has been a god send, it has helped remind me I’m not crazy ( as I was made out to be) good luck on your journey and whichever path you choose to take xx
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Reply to: Struggling To Forgive……
It’s not your husband’s cocaine or alcohol mis-use, it is the fact he kept it a secret and told lies. This is just another reminder for you to question the future of your marriage/partnership.
Staying sober and drug free are two important commitments you ask of your husband, yet he sadly fails to achieve these goals – leaving you feeling disappointed in him.
You worry about him because you care and want this marriage to work but unfortunately, this is a two-way agreement that needs to be fulfilled by him as well.
Although your husband admitted to his addictions and decided to seek help, it remains questionable that he will commit to this.
Your husband hasn’t really grown up. This may come as just a simple comment which can be said about a lot of people. However. This could be the heart of the problem for you both.
It seems your husband’s addictions are not about the cocaine or alcohol as substances to sate his cravings but are a part of his desperate need to feel that someone is looking after him.
It seems that your husband has this secret desire to be ‘found out’ by you, as if he still wants to be that naughty or rebellious teenager.
Your husband needs a ‘mother’ and you are always there for him. At times, you’ll throw him out of the house – leaving him to take refuge at his parent’s home. His ‘parenting’ needs are met, until he returns home to you when all is forgiven. You return to your role as ‘parent’.
It’s possible from what you have written in the past – you are more likely to be his carer than what his parents were. He perhaps relates more to his parents previous way of life (such as their free-spirited lifestyle that included alcohol) than to your mature outlook on life. You are more responsible as an adult and this perhaps conflicts with your husbands way of seeing life.
He likes to think his parents will always be there for him, come what may. However. Deep down, he knows there will be a time when they won’t be there to look after him.
One of the reasons he feels regretful when he relapses? He genuinely knows that his parents will not be too keen to take care of him, should his addictions move on to a more advanced stage or damage his health…..Something he really needs to seriously consider and discuss in therapy himself…..
The imperative for him to be ‘lovable’ comes when he reaches out for your forgiveness. He knows the important role you play in his life – and he understands what it means to have you in his life.
You need to consider yourself because it’s a situation that is causing you much heartache.
When you look after your husband, he feels safe – with the drug, alcohol mis-use, all of the lying and hiding re-enforces this need. The knowledge (by you) of his lying forms a part of this need as well.
Even at counselling, there could be selective discussion – again like a child when they manipulate their teacher – which he’ll discuss what he want’s to.
When you ask about the session, he’ll just shrug his shoulders and tell you it ‘went OK’.
Although you are not sure about the commitment, there may be some benefit to engage in ‘couples’ counselling.
It’ll give you an opportunity to learn more because you’ll be in the same room to listen and partake in the discussion.
This may be a time for you to be honest with each other – in front of the counsellor – and more importantly, a good time to address your husband’s lack of responsibility.
Ask yourself if you want to stay married to a man you don’t trust as you know he’ll behave like this again – unless he seriously wants to grow up.
There’s also regard to how you feel about all of this and your marriage. There is the possibility that maybe, your relationship has ‘run it’s course’ – in particular since you both got married, as marriage can be a symbol representing the process of growing up, being an adult and taking responsibility.
For you, the marriage was an event in your life which you were ready to embrace to the full, yet your husband will have possibly found overwhelming.
In fairness. For all you know, from now on your husband may be seriously thinking about the future and decided he really wants to change and commit to this relationship.
One option could be to accept your husband’s lovable behaviour for the time being and see how things go from here. You may feel a little more positive about him and the marriage, then decide it’s worth continuing.
On the other hand, the same situation could arise again pretty soon, leaving you to feel that you’ve had enough….Perhaps that will be the time to send your husband home to live with parents….While you take care of yourself.
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Our kids don’t see this.
i feel guilty for staying in a marriage with my baby’s father who has a really bad addiction to cocaine and Alcohol.i feel guilty that my child has to witness her parents arguing and unhappy.
it’s not a stable relationship. I’ve decided best option is to stay well away from him and concentrate on my own life and my daughter fututre.
What do you guy’s think ?
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Hi
I posted on this forum nearly 2 1/ 2 years ago, but need some advice.
When I posted back in 2021. At tgat time my husband was dealing with a serious cocaine, alcohol and gambling addiction which he had hidden from me for well over 12 years
It escalated to the point where he owed a significant sum of money to a drug dealers, had accrued massive debts nd he knew he had to tell me and get sober
Without going into war and peace about her behaviour, you can imagine the lying, stealing and gas lightening I put up with, not even to mention the impact on our children
An ultimatum came and he sobered up. He hasn’t drank, took drugs or gambled and I proud he has overcome this, I knew he was ill, I got help, regained control over our finances and made sure out children were not aware of what their dad was up too, how I did this I don’t know, but I wanted to make sure that he didn’t end up killing himself and he became the dad I knew he was, a good one.
However we still carry the financial burden of his addiction, I still have no trust and I am still very much angry and resentful
I have been honest with him that I have tried to hard to make out marriage work, I can’t forgive him, and I no longer wish to be with him
The pain of it still feels like yesterday and there are constant reminders daily
I dont know if I am the only one who has been through this, supported their partner, got them sober but just could not forgive them?
I have read on many websites about how partners should forgive, and move on. But how? After 2 1/2 years, I’ve tried my hardest and I can’t do it anymore
Is this right to be feel this way?
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Belle80: Yes, I think so. I’m thinking that I haven’t forgiven my husband either. He hid the coke addiction for about 5 years and it was about 35 years ago when he quit it. At that time, I decided that I wanted to give us a chance to see if we could leave it behind and be happy. We did and we have been happy. I never thought about it and we never talked about it. Until we did about five years ago and he confessed that he had cheated numerous times during those years. Added to all that he had put me through with it – I have been overwhelmed all over again. He has never been the way that he was during the coke years. I didn’t know that person. He was so different – all negatives. I just left it there. And, then it was in front of me again all the years later. I didn’t forgive him then, and I don’t think I can now. Not sure why. The betrayal is so great and it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand any of it and I probably do not and never will know all of it. He has told me that he is embarrassed, ashamed, feels guilty, and remorseful. And, I believe that he is. But, we did leave it behind and found a way forward all those years ago. I believe that we can again.
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