[rio79]

I started using recreationally in 2007. It went from novelty in new social circles to downward spiral, doing it on my own, hanging out with the dealers who I became friends with and getting into debt.

In 2013 I moved from the UK for a new start. I’ve had phases of using on and off over the 6 years in another country. But in the UK in April I had the first 2 day bender that I’d had since 2012. After that, no harm done and wrong or not, that endless night resulted in me feeling like I was finished. I truly felt like if it can’t be fun, it’s not worth it. I hadn’t touched it or wanted to since the end of April.

Mid-July, I had been clean for over 2 and a half months and had no hidden desire or intention to do coke when I was on a night out like I always had before (mostly just wanting it without doing it – that frustrating compulsive thought process). After partaking once in an unplanned, incidental situation, I have felt compelled to do it every single time I have been out since. I’ve fallen back into the disinterest in going out unless I’m doing coke. I’m devastated that I have gone from genuinely enjoying time out, eating and having a few drinks to no interest in food if I can make the coke happen. Someone please help me stop the cravings or deal with the cravings. I am destroying everything again and I’m doing it without excuses. Purely out of selfishness. I’m feeling like I’m in a glass box, I can see all the good things in my life, but I can’t feel them.

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