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I apologize for the length of the post.. but Im struggling knowing where to turn and Im hoping someone here can reate or offer some advice.

Last Autumn, I met a wonderful girl and we began dating. The whole thing has been perfect, the only problem was that she was a drug user.

I tried to be cool with it for the sake of exploring my feelings but in the end I was honest with both of us, I stated that I had dated users in the past and vowed I wouldn’t put myself through that again. I’d seen too many horror stories first hand.

At this time, she told me she wanted to stop. I was sceptical and told her that she needed to give up for her, because she wants to.. such a sudden change in attitude and behaviour implies shes quitting for me and that doesnt seem to be the right reason.

Once she knew of my distaste, shared after a halloween party where she spent the night taking Speed with friends, she had been reluctant to open up about her drug usage. I think also she sensed my shock and disappointment about her habit… she just seemed so shy and quiet, that the reality that she was involved in 36 hour trips to the club totally provoked me to question my own judgement.

This said, my feelings for her grew strongly and quickly and part of me believes change is possible.

As we’ve grown closer, she’s opened up more. She’s been using for about 4 years, but most of that has been condensed into the last 3 years. She takes speed and ketamine mostly, but has also used GHB, Mushrooms, Cocaine, Weed and MDMA several times.

She shared some horror stories of overdosing on GHB and Ketamine.. being found with her underwear around her knees unconcious in a club bathroom. Being abandoned by her friends while in a K-Hole she thought could well kill her at the time.

I noted however, that she still continued to use after all thesebad experiences.

I thought she had given up after halloween, but she confessed to me yesterday that she took ketamine in her kitchen with her flatmate in novemeber, it made her sick and since then she hasnt taken anything. She assures me this is also for her – she doesnt want to become an addict and she had begun to fear for her sanity.

I queried why she took ketamine in november and why she kept using after so many bad experiences. She tells me that her usage was often 20 minutes of euphoria for days of depression, so I was kinda lost.

She said she took it to try and overwrite the memories of her bad experiences (makes zero sense to me, but I’m not the one in this situation).. I asked if this was so she could regain a level of comfort to use again.

She broke into tears.. genuine tears at this question. As best I could tell, they were tears of shame.. as if for the first time she really analyzed her behaviour and realised something horrible about her choices.

I felt awful for upsetting her.. I was interrogtaing her or anything and was keen to remain sensitive and supportive. But she assured me this was good, therapeutic.

We took a walk together after this and talked some more. She told me that she feels I’ve been the best thing to enter her life in some time and that she finds she wants to be her best self when we are together (a feeling I share).

She said she loves how supported she feels and asked me if she could ask me for my opinion on her choices in the coming weeks and months.

At this point, I hesitated and just spoke honestly. I don’t know if I said the right thing. For context her drug use seems to have been instigated and perpetuated by her friends, boyfriends and especially her flatmate. We live in Berlin, Germany and the city is full of drugs – especially the clubs.

Its kind of a shallow place in many ways and making friends here – real friends – is genuinely difficult. but she found she could connect with people and feel accepted by going clubbing and getting high.

I replied to her and said – “You can always come to me for advice but you’re smart- you don’t need me to tell you whats the smart choice. I don’t want to be the one who comes between you and the friends you seem to need. But if you ask me if you should go out with these people – I will always say no, because it will make it hard for you to stay clean. but i cannot decide if you want to do it anyway.. and if I make you feel controlled or isolated.. you’ll rebel and it will kill our relationship. If you’re really doing this for you and not for me, you’ll know what to do. All i ask is that you’re honest.. if you still want to use that’s up to you its just not something I can accept in a romantic partner. I wouldn’t hate you.”

She seemed to muse on this and i’ll never know for sure what she was thinking.. but this Friday night she is invited to a birthday party.

She told me from the group messaging that it’s obvious it will be an all-nighter with lots of drugs. She wants to go and says ‘Well, I can go for dinner and leave when things get too wild.’ – she was with the same people last weekend and managed to refuse the drugs on offer.. at least as far as I can tell. But abstaining does seem to place a barrier between her and these friends enjoying time together.

Her friends are HEAVY users.. this isn’t a line or two. its behaviour that ca begin 11am on a Sunday afternoon and carry on until 11am the next day.. mostly Speed, Ketamine and Cocaine.

I can’t tell her not to go.. but I can’t help staying awake all night worrying about her safety, happiness.. and also whether she’s going to take and lie to me.

Additionally, she lives with the worst offender. A gay best friend from her Uni days.. this guys is very pleasant but a total wreck. He repeats himself, he looks half dead, and he uses CONSTANTLY. she tells me he is the only friend who seems unable to take no for an answer and he’s the one who encouraged her to use Ketamine on a Sunday afternoon in their kitchen apropo of nothing.

She seems genuinely honest, she seems serious about at least trying to quit and she assures me she hasn’t touched anything since November. She says she wants to find some new healthier friends but for now these are the only friends she has and she announced yesterday she wants to find a new place to live alone and let her flatmate deal with his own demons.

She wants a serious future together.

Sorry for rambling, but I’m curious to hear if anyone else has similar experiences, how it turned out and if I’m being an idiot. She seems to have been manipulated by many people in her life and i don#t want to add to that list.. even if im doing it with good intentions.. but the others in her life have no hesitation dragging her down with them.

Any thoughts, feedback etc.. is VERY welcome. Thank you.

[smarker]

Hey,

As you can see from my own posts, I was in this situation. My partner was taking cocaine behind my back for months. Lied, even when I knew the truth. Eventually it all came to light and he admitted everything. Several weeks went by & we were great. Then he did it again and lied. I’d had enough. I left him. Told him to sort his life out. I’d been the supportive girlfriend, did everything I could but I was done. I’m not into drugs never have been and never will. I’ve seen firsthand how the awful the stuff is and the effects it has on people and their families. They become selfish, deceitful and manipulating when taking it. After leaving my partner he did infact sort himself out and he’s now 6 months clean. I’m very proud of him but they needs to want to stop for themselves. All I can offer you in advise is to stick to your word, you sound like a very supportive boyfriend and she’s very lucky to have you. Addiction is hard. If you see no change, then? You deserve to be happy and not always looking over your shoulder. I hope she manages to see the light also, she’s been using for a long time and that habit I’ve heard is very heard to get out of especially when your surrounded by it. Xx

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