[aeiou1980]

My husband is addicted to painkillers and cocaine and also drinks increasingly heavily. This has been going on for many years with no resolution and our relationship is severely damaged and I am worried for the well-being of our children, especially after a lot of conflict over the Christmas period. I have asked him several times to seek professional support and to tell his family what is going on so that they can provide us all with support. He has always refused to do this because of his shame and is deeply bitter that I have confided in my friends and family and a couple of his friends who raised their concerns with me. I am at the point of saying that I cannot continue in our relationship if he does not open up about these problems to his family and go to rehab to kick these addictions properly. Is it fair for me to put this ultimatum on him or say I will tell his family if he doesn’t? If he calls my bluff and I do go through with telling them myself and/or leaving then I don’t think there will be a way forward for us together. Grateful for any thoughts on how to handle this. The status quo cannot continue.

[Rosiexwx]

To be honest as long as you let him to do he’ll keep it up as long as he can and just soul destroy you and affect the kids I’ve been there a know they need help but just keep going until rock bottom sorry to say when they do they’ll drag you with them

[PinkMoonbow88]

<div class=”top” style=”margin: 0px 0px 0.2rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; -webkit-box-flex: 0; flex: 0 0 auto;”>Hi aeiou1980</div>
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<div>So sorry to hear you have been going through this really tricky situation.</div>
<div>I can relate- my husband is addicted to Alcohol and Ketamine and frequently snorts cocaine.</div>
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<div>Although I think it would be really helpful for his family to know, I worry about the pressure this puts on him if you tell them without his consent. I say this as,  whenever I have put pressure on my husband around telling people he doesn’t want to tell,  this has made him feel overwhelmingly stressed and anxious and has triggered him to drink and take more drugs and essentially take more risks.</div>
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<div>My husband has a really tricky relationship with his family so anything about them is a trigger- I’m not sure if this is the same for your husband? Christmas was also a very stressful time for us because of this.</div>
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<div>So what seemed to work with my husband the other day after an argument around the drink and drugs, I said to him “at the end of the day I can’t force you to stop, it’s your own decision, your own life, at the end of the day, I really love you and want to be with you but this is not what I signed up for, I want to support you but if I am to do that,  I am going to need you to meet me half-way for, the sake of our relationship and family. Do you want to meet me halfway? and if so is there anything you’d be willing to try e.g. telling family or rehab etc?</div>
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<div>This conversation ended well for us as and  I think it worked as I put the control back to him. He came up with the idea of getting in touch with his previous therapist to see if there were any other therapists he recommended.</div>
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<div>Previously he said he didn’t like people telling him what to do and that he felt out of control of his own life, so I think me saying “it’s up to you” helped him to feel in control of the situation. He’s still drinking but has been off the drugs for nearly 2 weeks now which is definitely an improvement.</div>
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<div>Anyway, let me know your thoughts and would really like to hear how the situation is going on your side.</div>
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<div>Pinkmoonbow88</div>
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<div>:)</div>
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<p style=”margin: 0px 1rem 0px 0px; font-family: inherit; color: #5e6f93; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 0.8rem; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”></p>
 

[PinkMoonbow88]

<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>Hi aeiou1980- sorry not sure why the original post came up like this so here is it again…So sorry to hear you have been going through this really tricky situation.I can relate- my husband is addicted to Alcohol and Ketamine and frequently snorts cocaine.Although I think it would be really helpful for his family to know, I worry about the pressure this puts on him if you tell them without his consent. I say this as,  whenever I have put pressure on my husband around telling people he doesn’t want to tell,  this has made him feel overwhelmingly stressed and anxious and has triggered him to drink and take more drugs and essentially take more risks.My husband has a really tricky relationship with his family so anything about them is a trigger- I’m not sure if this is the same for your husband? Christmas was also a very stressful time for us because of this.So what seemed to work with my husband the other day after an argument around the drink and drugs, I said to him “at the end of the day I can’t force you to stop, it’s your own decision, your own life, at the end of the day, I really love you and want to be with you but this is not what I signed up for, I want to support you but if I am to do that,  I am going to need you to meet me half-way for, the sake of our relationship and family. Do you want to meet me halfway? and if so is there anything you’d be willing to try e.g. telling family or rehab etc?This conversation ended well for us as and  I think it worked as I put the control back to him. He came up with the idea of getting in touch with his previous therapist to see if there were any other therapists he recommended.Previously he said he didn’t like people telling him what to do and that he felt out of control of his own life, so I think me saying “it’s up to you” helped him to feel in control of the situation. He’s still drinking but has been off the drugs for nearly 2 weeks now which is definitely an improvement.Anyway, let me know your thoughts and would really like to hear how the situation is going on your side.Pinkmoonbow88</p>

[Lottier]

Hi aeiou

im sorry you are going through this and have been through this myself with my husband, we were together 8 years 4 good then we had our daughter and he completely changed, started drinking lots more and he admitted to taking cocaine, we are currently seperated but he has turned so angry and nasty and is making my life hell to be honest

Sorry for the long message but this is my experience re involving family, Its hard as I know every family is different but once I involved my husbands family things got a lot worse, I involved my mother in law first as he started using daily, every night he’d be up searching for men I’d hidden under the mattress, he thought my leg was someone else’s, was sure I was drugging him so ripped ever packet open in my bathroom sanitary towels etc, ripped our mattress and sofa apart and started barricading himself in the kids room at 2 am which is when I  told his mum, as I was close to involving police, I had a few more weeks of this before his sister got involved and we all got him to go to rehab, he hated me for telling them and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks, he gradually calmed down started communicating and I even got to visit him with our daughter which was nice.

When he came back things were good but if we had a little row he’d run off to his sisters,  he sent a picture to a lady he’d met at rehab, his phone flashed up a picture of him and the reply my baby, when I asked him who she was (I may have said who the f is she) he said nothing, left me and the kids for 3 days, his family said if he had anything to hide he wouldn’t have left his phone on the side ????‍♀️  any couple row was blown out of proportion and he left for days, they made it seem I was the problem.

When he relapsed they stopped talking to him for 3 months, I tried everything but then begged him to go back to rehab which he did, I said if he didn’t I’d have to leave.

His family then got back involved, within 2 weeks I was removed from the contact sheet for rehab and his sister said he wanted to cut ties with me, she said he wanted me out the house and we’d be better apart.

(This was because I messaged him one night rather then ringing, I had a celebration with friends which he should have been at, I had a few drinks and to be honest I didn’t want to talk to him drunk, i just wanted one day off, yes sounds selfish but is the truth, he said he was off to bed so I messaged I loved him lots and would call him in the morning he said same but I couldn’t get hold of him the next day)

When he did speak to me he said I was an awful person for not putting him first, saying I’d leave someone who was obviously ill, I hadn’t supported him and it was only his family who had always been there for him, out of 4 weeks I had this one day to myself child free, he didn’t used to ring me every night at rehab as would go out for meals or be watching a movie but the one day I had plans was the one night he expected me  ring.

I know there are always 2 sides to a story but I feel I am truthful when I’ve caused a problem and will admit if I’m wrong, the drug abuse put a lot of strain on our relationship but I tried so hard to make him feel loved, and be a dad to the kids, we had silly couple rows and talking to his mum even she said her and her husband argued lots more and it was normal couple things, but he couldn’t cope, he wanted us to be better then other relationships, if our daughter had been awake at night and I was quiet as tired, he’d say I was always tired and miserable which wasn’t true,

After rehab 2 he blocked me for 2 weeks and went away for a week on holiday, at the end of his holiday he messaged and said he did love me and the kids that we were his world and he wanted to ignore his family and come home.

I don’t know if it’s easier for a family to blame the other person, they’ve lots of issues as a family but choose to blame me,  I feel if we were aloud to be a couple things would have been different, my daughter would have her dad, her family so I obviously have resentment towards them

He lasted a month at home after rehab but didn’t seem to be able to cope with family life, I felt we both needed time to get used to the new life and he admitted he was struggling, to stay clean he got up at 4 went to the gym, then ran, had an AA meeting a few times a week, met his mum for coffee, watched you tube on self help, had a nap, I put our daughter to bed at 7 (took over an hour to get her down) and he’d go bed at 8, if she had a paddy he’d walk out, when I was getting them ready for school he lay down with his earphones in, the last row our daughter was crying while I was trying to do dinner and when I dished hers up she said she didn’t like it and pushed the plate on the floor (she’s not a bad child was just one of those 3 year old days) he came in from his shed (was tidying it) and asked what was wrong I said I was struggling and for gods sake needed more help (3years of drug abuse, 2 x 4 week stays in rehab a weeks holiday I had no help or support with the children a 3 year old and we each have children from previous relationships) I said he’d napped a lot of the day then gone outside as soon as she got back from nursery, he took that as me calling him lazy and a bad dad which I said yes if thats how you want to put it, he went to his sisters, and we’ve not really spoken since (this was October)  he’s recently moved in completely with his sister, he’s working for her and I don’t see my step children, he has disowned my children, said he no longer cares for them, and has not seen our daughter properly in months

If I was to do it all again I’d try and get him to rehab myself, I’d have a lot more contact with the rehab and wouldn’t let anyone take over, you hear a lot of stories where it ends up like mine, but there are people who do make it work.  It’s not easy loving someone with an addiction and in some ways if you love them at there worst it’s really hard to stop, I do feel in constant mourning for him, for our marriage for our daughters normal life, the man I loved doesn’t exist at the moment and his family think he’s better off without us, I worry he’s not well and support to get back to a normal life would have helped him more but I don’t know.
Your husbands family may be a lot more supportive and I hope what ever you decide works out for you, just try not to loose yourself while this is going on and take care, again sorry for the long message it’s my therapy putting it down in words so all comes out ????‍♀️ xx

 

[thistim3]

Me telling my husband’s parents about his drug use was one of several things that happened before he quit using.  He wasn’t happy about this, but so what.  Secrets only enabled him.  The whole thing for all the years before was his secret, from me, them, and anybody that really mattered.  His parents didn’t get involved so much, it was just him knowing that they knew about it that caught his attention in his coked up head.  I don’t believe that we really negotiated anything.  And, I’m not convinced that negotiations with a coke user is even possible.  It doesn’t really matter what you say or do. I told his parents for really only one reason, I was convinced that he was going to kill himself and I figured that they needed to know that before he did it.  It was one of the decisions that I made on my own.  To this day – I do not regret it.  Trust your decisions, whatever they are.  You need yourself to get though this kind of trauma.  You will know what you need to do, when you need to do it, the answers just come to you.  Most often when least expect it, like when you’re folding the laundry, cleaning the closet, working in the garden. You just know.  And, if you should be wrong with one of your decisions, so what!  You did the best that you could have in an impossible and drastic situation.

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