[thistim3]

Why didn’t you tell your spouse/significant other/loved one that you tried coke (or whatever it was/is that has you out of control). And, that you want to keep doing coke, and you will keep doing coke. And, all the good/bad/ugly events that happen to you while you are experiencing the highs/lows/cravings/withdrawals – you will not ever tell me about. Why? Why was I not included in this decision of yours that has totally changed our lives? Why wasn’t I even given a chance to know the truth of what was happening? This seems to be a common behavior of the addicted – hiding. It feels like a most awful betrayal and it hurts like Hell. To not know anything about it for years and feel something is so wrong. I hope someone can answer, because he still hasn’t given me an answer to this.

[lookingforhope]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I completely understand where you are coming from with the questions. It just doesn’t make sense… but from my research into addiction and anecdotally I’ll give you my understanding of it.

If our addicted loved ones told us what was going on, they would be faced with a choice: stop or lose us. They love us, so they don’t want to lose us. But they NEED to use. So lying is the way to do both.

Through my own therapy, I’m trying radical acceptance. To an outsider, nothing an addict does will make sense. It probably won’t make sense to them. But to save yourself anguish, try and work from a place that whatever they did was because they had to, that’s always what was going to happen. They didn’t choose it, and neither did you.

Only you can choose what happens next and what you are willing to put up with.

I hope you find some peace, it’s hard but I wish it for all of us on this forum

[worthless80]

Hi

I am so sorry for how you are feeling and would love just to hug you. I am going to come from a personal perspective. I met my Husband at 15, from the age of 18 to 21 he was a cocaine addict whilst I cared for my Nan (best friend) as she was dying. I saw signs, questioned, yet never pushed too far for answers, for that I am glad as at that point our relationship would have been over and we would not have our 4 beautiful children.

At the age of 39 I suddenly decided to buy cocaine for the first time, I cannot answer why to this day. I however have been truthful from the start to each and every person (including police and social services). I believe 100% in honesty, or I did! This is where I can understand your Partners view point. In me telling the truth I have been made to feel worthless, verbally and physically assaulted by my Husband and Son, had reports written by Social Services that cut me to the core as so much of it was lies. It leaves me thinking it would have been so much easier had I just not told anyone!

I obviously understand your hurt from past experience yet my advice would be to have a blunt yet peaceful conversation, men in my experience find it hard to open up and us women tend to shout alot 😉 You love him, if you did not you would not be here seeking guidance, he is on a pathway which yes is illegal, does not conform to the ‘normal’ society yet he is the man you fell in love with. All pathways will end when we have learnt what we were put on that pathway for.

I truly hope that you can work through this – my marriage a few weeks ago was what felt like over! With talking, calmness, honesty, support and hugs it is now stronger than ever. However, Christ what a year 2021 has been, I would say the worst ever yet I lost those who judged and never really knew me, gained some wonderful non judgemental friends, assisted charities and most importantly met my demons yet at the same time believed the beauty in helping humanity that lays in me. Yes us drug abusers can be loving, empathic, lawyers, graduates etc.

Give him time hunnie, until you feel that you can give no more – but at that point then please be honest with him – it may just wake him up.

Happy New Year.

Much Love Debs x

[thistim3]

Thank you so much, Loving and Worthless for your words. They mean so much.

[faithnotfear]

Hi ThisTim3

I know exactly the pain you feel as my husband is a recovering secret cocaine addict. The only person on the planet apart from him who had an inkling was his dealer. Knowing the person you love has concealed a huge part of their life hurts like nothing i have ever felt before.

My husband used cocaine in secret for two and a half years. It started when we had been through a very difficult few years and he began to resent me for how hard life was. He then had some kind of mental breakdown due to work and cocaine slipped into his life – a little late at night on weekends at first, but over the following 30 months it took over everything!

But he never said a word. We all knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what. His behaviour completely deteriorated and his health went to pieces. On some occasions i asked him straight out if his was on drugs but he denied it.

But why…. first off he knew that if he said he planned to take cocaine around the kids i would have put a stop to it straight away (obviously!), then.. once it had begun he was filled with shame, embarrassment and at the same time he did get a kick out of the secrecy, he felt he liked the control too (though looking back he can see it was completely beyond control), he also was frightened but didn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone me or anyone else. The more he did the bigger the hole he was digging. More shame, worse physical shape, bigger rows and deeper denial. He lied to himself throughout the whole of his active addiction (his words not mine).

About 8 months into his recovery i realised that i still felt completely shut out of this massive part of his life and i also became aware that he was carrying a huge burden of guilt and shame – he was afraid to tell me the nitty gritty of his experiences.

We went out to the seaside and talked and cried for hours. Once the barriers came down it was a big turning point. We’re doing okay now. Still have a way to go but 11 months in and at least we’re on the same page.

We’ve been together since 2003 and i always thought the one thing we had above all was 100% honesty. To find out about this terrible secret was the worst feeling I’ve ever had.

I hope you’re able to break down the barriers with your partner.

[jamesb]

@faithnotfear I am so happy reading your comment. There’s nothing more I can add. You are proof that with connection, understanding, and most of all your husbands commitment to getting clean that love is the answer to addiction.

[faithnotfear]

aw i feel a little teary reading that! thank you so much xxx

i can hardly believe we’ve got here sometimes – in the beginning i never thought it possible.. all i could do was focus on the greater good and give my husband a safe space to recover. he wanted out though – active addiction is misery.

we went on our own journeys but hand in hand.

i am amazed looking at his journey and couldn’t be prouder of him.

we are lucky to have eachother xx

[thistim3]

So lately after learning about the extent of his addiction to coke (I doubt I’ll ever know everything) all these years later – he is now suffering from panic attacks. It is like our discussions have stirred it all up in him and he’s having a hard time with the memories of what he was doing then. More than 30 years ago, when he quit using coke. So scary. He has hurt me emotionally more than I could have ever imagined, he has hurt himself same or worse. He has agreed to begin individual counseling next week. I’ve never seen him this upset.

[faithnotfear]

unfortunately they will always carry the burden of guilt and shame, all they can do about it is understand they weren’t in their right minds and continue to make amends to those they hurt… my husband is only a year or so in but he does lots of nice things with the kids to make up for them missing out on having a loving and present daddy ????

he does quite often cry for what he has done and i don’t think he’ll ever get over the guilt and shame.

I’m not sure I’ll get over what he put me through – we just learn to live with this burden and muddle along as best we can.

I think he might need therapy one day too.

At least our kids are okay x

[faithnotfear]

It’s good to hear from someone who has weathered the storm long term. My hope is that when we’re old and look back, the horrendous cocaine years represent only a small percentage of our overall years as a couple.

We have talked a lot about what it was like for him during this time, so hopefully he won’t suffer in years to come like your husband.

Addiction really is a most ugly and destructive problem.

Yet still they come down that road!

[thistim3]

It is at times, more present than past – weathering the storm – not weathered the storm. As there are triggers for me that takes me right back there in an instant. Scary. I can be perfectly fine for days, weeks and months, then something triggers me and a long forgotten memory comes back to me and skakes me up. Then I have to figure out how to calm myself. I try not to take this to him as I would rather not. It is a struggle. But, when we do talk about it always seems to be a little bit better. Little bits better all through the years to this safer place all these years later that is only possible because he continues to not use.

[faithnotfear]

hey,

i read your reply in may and it home so hard i couldn’t even respond at that time. it’s what you say about the safer place that is only possible because they stay clean. sometimes it feels so precarious for me, it’s been 16 months now and it’s good, and overall improving. yet, some days are better than others as my husband still behaves like an addict sometimes and it is very triggering. as time goes by the more you realise it’s always going to be there in the background.

what you wrote earlier also hits right in the heart, I’m still only at the relative beginning of this journey but i have clothes, pictures, shoes, rooms and places in this house, towns and even a country(!) etc that i cannot even look at or think about without being transported straight back to those dark times. it is full blown ptsd. have you maybe got a bit of ptsd going on?

like you when triggered i do go through a thought pattern and keep my head focused in the present, what else can we do huh!?

but sometimes it gets me bad!

eg… watching bgt semi-finals with the family… on comes a group from the 2020 version. they formed a lockdown choir…. my brain immediately remembers how dreadful life was during 2020 (his worst year of using/horrific behaviour)… remembers how lonely and frightened i felt, how it felt like all the families i knew pulled together while i was trapped in the most horrible circumstances without even my best friend (him)… he then remarks he saw them on youtube when looking up music videos… my brain then remembers he has since told me he was sat there on his computer using very, very, frequently… you get the picture… then more stars from 2019 and 2020… more memories of how we’d sat as family and as it turned out he was on the drugs…. by this point feelings over ride the calming routine… tears in full flow but i blame it on the programme ..however i get it down and we watch the program and kids go on their way… and I’m tidying the sitting room up to go to bed… he is standing by the door … it all floods back like a tsunami!!!! plus more… again from those days … i would tidy up… he would get shirty about some nonsense… go on down… obviously use… id do all the work…. he’d come up and moan, then go off… obviously use again… then pick a fight! push me/yell/whack something etc… go off and use, we’d then go to bed and he’d fidget round and have to keep popping off *to the toilet *… I’d eventually drop off and he’d wake me up fidgeting and disturb the whole house going up and down the stairs (going for a hit).

All that memory dump because he stood by the door and my defenses were weakened.

All i can do/we can do is (an official technique apparently!) is … remember the memory when it comes, don’t shut it down, feel the feeling and process. talk about the memory and how it feels. that’s the only route towards closure.

i don’t think we ever get closure from this, but we can get some small amount of peace from our memories.

i also strongly identify with the waking in rhe night. it’s when the memories are loudest.

i don’t know if it’s the same for you guys but the worst things happened in the small hours. the most amounts of drugs consumed, the craziest behaviour, the most terrifying fights, the lying awake wondering where things went wrong. looking at this stranger who was in my husband’s skin. also after i found out, not being able to sleep at all because of being so utterly distressed… any time i wake now my brain has to be kept on an extremely tight leash or thoughts will very quickly spiral.

i know im safe now, sort of but the memories and feelings are branded into every part of my being.

xx

[thistim3]

It is 3 am, and I woke again with memories. It comes sometimes in little bits and my mind kind of holds on and provides more alittle at a time. Recently I remember that years ago while on the coke, he wouldn’t look at me. And, when he did it seemed that he didn’t want to and maybe even he choose to not see me when he did. I would be looking at him and . . . this takes me to this memory – this one moment where he was telling me that he was ‘going out’. He’s not looking at me when he says it, but rather at the wall I guess. So, I ask him if I can come with him. He seems surprised by this question and slowly turns his head and looks at me. It was one of our weirdest moments. The look on his face and the way that I felt, which I’m still trying to figure out. It didn’t seem like it was him. So scary. All those years ago.

[faithnotfear]

and i also remember my husband wouldn’t look at me, not at all… i never knew why, it was because he was lying, ashamed and didn’t want me to see he was on that stuff.. i remember when he started looking me in the eye again and that’s when i knew he was ready to start being honest and upright once again. and that’s how i feel sure he still is clean… obviously the cynic in me wonders if he’s just learned to cover his tracks better by using eye contact, but that’s what happens when you take a sledgehammer to the marital trust you once had x

[thistim3]

Yes, PTSD – both of us. We are now having conversations that we never thought we would. Years ago he would also make these weird faces at me, maybe so I would stop looking at him. I’ve been wanting him to just talk about it. Recently he has, just bits. This is scary for both of us. I notice if I don’t say anything (which is difficult for me), he may say more. But, if I say anything right when he first mentions something – he just shuts down. Like yesterday – he just comes out and tells me that the coppers chased him many times and he went on and told me about a couple of these chases. I wanted to ask him why he was being chased, but I didn’t as I felt he would stop telling me about what happened.

[thistim3]

Last night he told me that it wasn’t him. The coke took him over and the person he became was not him. So scary. Who was he then? I asked him again after waiting years for the answer to the question that I had asked so many times – and that he had avoided answering so many times. I knew the answer. I needed to hear him say it. How did he feel about me when he was using coke. That is the question that I needed to know all these years. Last night he told me. He told me that he didn’t care about me at all. I knew it, I felt it, I lived it, he just said it. It hurts. I needed to hear him say it. After years of being with him, being happy together, trying for many months to be pregnant, feeling so happy that we were expecting, then so overwhelmed with morning sickness, he was then emotionally and physically gone from me. I was alone and scared. I finally have his answer – decades later.

[thistim3]

So the other day he remembers how his face felt when he was on coke and how he thought I noticed it and that I would then know what was actually happening (he was using coke). No, I told him. I didn’t notice that – how his face moved differently, I never guessed that. The man I knew would never do those things. I love this man. Not possible. What I did notice is that he stopped looking at me and that hurt. I couldn’t figure it out. It didn’t make sense. When he finally confessed that he was using coke all those years ago – I didn’t even know what that meant. What was he saying? So scary. Yes. I thought about leaving him. So many times. Instead, I went to the library and took out some books and read and read. Then searched and found the Nar-Anon meetings that I read about. I told him this now after he tells me about his numb face memory.

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