[kikkiclark]

Hi All, I just wanted to share my story in the hope that if you are going through the same thing you have the strength to leave sooner than I did. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now and we have an 11 year old son. Looking back the last 10 years have been absolute chaos and turmoil but when you are living it you don’t see the bigger picture and think it won’t always be like this. But it is. My husband used coke on nights out from day one but we were young and so did most people, it was every few weekends. Once we had our son my life revolved around him but for my husband it never changed, football, golf, going out etc.. he would still go out on big nights out and come home the next day still wired and then sleep all day. This never really changed but the coke use did, he would do it down the local pub or at football or golf this went on for years. During this time he started gambling every now and again not bits here and there I mean thousands and sometimes he won big but he also lost big and we had to re mortgage and borrow off credit cards. This happened 5/6 times and he hid it from me to begin with but he told me and we sorted it, but then 6 months or ever a year or 2 later he would have a big blow out again, always when he was in coke and drink. A few years ago he was working away, bought loads of coke and sat in his hotel getting wasted and gambling to a point where he had gambled everything he could maxed credit cards etc and walked to a motorway bridge and rang his sister saying I’ve done it again she won’t forgive me this time, she called an ambulance and we went to fetch him from hospital after an assessment. Promises to never do coke again or gamble, few weeks later he’s back on it again. Over the years I’ve found messages on his phone to people I know and one message to me from a woman he met before we were even married 3 years in on a night out who was kissing him all night and planning to meet up the next day but then she found out he was due to be married and had a son. I’d always thought he had cheated but he always blames it on being on coke and that I never gave him enough sex or attention. He always said he never slept with anyone. This carried on for years, the last few have been the worse, he would do coke on and off once a week to maybe everyday at some points. He friends have grown up and don’t do that anymore and he became the outsider really, the crazy party lad, the last one standing always, the 3 day stag do in maga where he didn’t sleep for 3 days, everyone else did they just got pissed but he was on everything. He stared to look ill, thin, old, by this time I hadn’t been happy for a long time but I just thought well this is my life, he’s not horrible to me unless he’s on a comedown where he gets angry he’s really a loving kind person, but the drug use has changed him.

We moved house 6 months ago for a renovation project, something for him to be occupied with but it’s been even worse. He got these cluster headaches which are one of the most painful things you can get, I was taking him to A&E he had a neurologist, even at home oxygen but wouldn’t admit that the coke use had anything to do with it, it’s was always, stress or there is no trigger. It was the coke but even the pain from the headaches didn’t stop him. I stayed at my parents one night in august for a bbq as I just didn’t want to go home. He rang me the following morning off his head crying saying I’m done I can’t do it anymore I need to go to rehab, so I arranged it for a week later, paid for it out of the house money 12 grand, he spent a month there, our house was in no liveable state so me and my son moved in with my parents. Rehab was so good for him he denied he needed it after the comedown had wore off but after a few days he realised it’s what he needed. He put on 2 stone was working really hard, attending all the sessions. He came out, we still lived apart him at the house us here but he would come over and stay.

3 weeks out, he relapsed, apparently we was working on the house but it was an excuse to use, he put a video on social media telling everyone to go F*%k them selves and you could tell he was off his head, same old story, nobody is there for him, nobody rings him, nobody gives a shit, he needs help, it’s not his fault, he’s stressed excuses and blame over and over. His friends have stopped ringing him because they are sick and tired of him too, we’ve all tried to help him and been on the end of the phone, he’s so selfish he’s never once asked how anyone else is his world revolves around him. Me and his brother who is his business partner went to see him the next day and it was awful he was blaming everyone for everything, not even sorry, no remorse so so we both walked away. A few days later we decided we can’t leave him so sorted it all out, he was back on his meetings and doing work on the house but then again a week or so later another Facebook rant, poor me nobody’s cares, I’m not living in my own home, I’m running a business, I’m trying to recover etc… I’m bored of it now, he’s relapsed again a few more times since and the final straw last week my friend told me he sent her a graphic picture just over a year ago but it wasn’t for her it was an accident it was actually for someone else as it was following on from a conversation, she saw it straight away and text him m, what! He said I’m so sorry it wasn’t for you it was for me and that she should tell me as I’d be embarrassed…. It wasn’t for me. I just don’t ever see this cycle ending, I can not trust him or believe anything he says l. I don’t want to live my life like this anymore, I’m anxious, nervous, depressed. I rang him after she told me and he was just silent and said I don’t know what to say, he wouldn’t tell he who it was to, it will be someone I know. I said it’s over that’s it, I’m not doing this anymore. The last 2 weeks have been horrible he’s been really nice but then he will be angry, then he will say snide comments. I don’t think I can take anymore but if I go back I know things won’t ever change. He rang me at 4am this morning crying saying he’s sorry but he wanted me to know he’s used and had a drink but wanted to be honest and said never get back with me but then when I saw him this morning he was angry with me for not supporting him enough and for being pissed off with him and that’s not what he needs right now! It’s driving me crazy, I literally think I’m going mad sometimes, I question myself all the time. I’m going to go through with it, I have to but it’s hard. I just wish I had done it years ago. If anyone has alarm bells and they are displaying these behaviours and they don’t get help or if it doesn’t work and they keep relapsing then you have to leave for your own happiness xxx

[debc]

Hi Kikkiclark,

Welcome to the Forum. Your story is so similar to my own, except it’s my Son, and it’s like living in hell with them. All the lies, the money they waste is untrue, feeling sorry for themselves, the list goes on and on.

My son went to rehab twice, I wish he could of gone for 6 months but unfortunately I’m not a millionaire, as you know it’s very expensive. Rehab gives them the tools to try and go back out into the outside world and put those tools into practice, but I think they give up too easily. I think it’s all about choices, making the right ones instead of choosing the easy route which just leads to destruction of them and us, and there is only so much people can take.

I think you have done the right thing by leaving, especially as you have your Son to think of.

Stay strong and there is always someone to chat to on here. So glad I found Adfam.

Take care and just think about you and your Son.

Dx

[kikkiclark]

Aww Thankyou, that must be so hard with it being your son, I bet you feel like you could never give up on him so that must be a lot harder, at least I can walk away. Because you know the “good/healthy” version of them it’s a very difficult thing to do. I’m glad I found Adfam too, it makes you feel less alone and gives you back a bit of strength and confidence most people lose because of guilt and questioning themselves. Take care and I hope one day they can turn it around but like you say it takes hard work and a lot of restraint and choices xxx

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