[rdnb]

Evening.

I’m 37 years old and trying to recover from a coke addiction and a suicide attempt.

I don’t even want to know how much money i’ve spent on getting high.

The reason I got addicted to coke in the first place is because I have ADHD which obviously makes me very high risk of addiction to drugs (As i’ve found out from looking into my condition) I’m basically an addict in waiting… of which I only found this out after I went to the doctor because I was so severly depressed from a relationship breakup, I’d made an emotional decision to end the relationship and I’ve regretted it ever since and have struggled very badly to move on from it, even years later.

The thing with coke is it’s a gradual decline, nothing spectaculer, just a line here and there when you go out, with mates, it always starts off with mates doesnt it? it’s always the same old situation.. “I was with mates” “I was at a party” “I was struggling with my studies and a mate gave me a line” – I mean nobody would actually go out there way to score coke off there own back if they’d never tried it before eh?

From my first line to my suicide attempt, took me about 3 years..

I had all the hallmarks of an active addict, I couldn’t get enough of the stuff, it’s so incredibly moreish. it’s never just “one line” it’s one line, after another, I’ve damaged a freindship beyond repair because of it, you see I’m not a social sniffer, I’m a secret sniffer.

i’d go round a mates and sniff all his gear with him, then i’d go and get my own gear, when that was gone i’d just simply get more, it was a hamster wheel of nightmares, coke dictates your life, the addiction controls you, it robs of you everything, your dignity, your job, your money and if I hadn’t survived my suicide attempt it would have took my life. At the hight of my addiction I was doing 100 quid a day. I spent 300 quid in 3 days leading up to my attempt, I started crushing up my ADHD medication and sniffing that too, I was completely and utterly hopesslessy addicted to drugs. I’d ran out of excuses to get more ADHD meds as I didn’t want them to get suspicious. then boxing day come along and I had 8 ADHD tabs left, I was trapped inside my own head and after a half bottle of vodka, I just swallowed the rest of the meds and hit the **** it button.

Making the decision to end my life came surprisingly easy, but then it would when your trapped in your own head, 14 grand in debt and coming up on all the medication i’d eaten. All the fear just evaporated from me. I can’t remember the walk to bridge, when I got to the top I just jumped, I remember very briefly waking up on the road, struggling very badly to breathe and the first thing I thought was, “Ah ****, I’ve ***** it” then i felt something sharp in my arm and it all went black.

The list of my injuries is as follows.. all the physical injuries I sustained by leaping off a bridge and slamming hard onto the concrete from about 40ft up.

– Shattared my jaw in 7 places.

– broke both my legs and completely demolished my left knee

– broke my right wrist.

– broke my left middle finger

– busted my liver in two (it was a life threatening injury)

– broke my left foot

I can’t remember much of my time in hospital, not in ICU anyway, I was drugged up to the eyeballs on whatever pain medication they were giving me, being stuck sat in a bed for the best part of 6 weeks is something I’ll never forget. I did recover and i’m still recovering now, the mental toll it took on me and is still giving me seems like it’s never ending.

You’d think something like that would stop someone doing coke yeah?

Yes and No.. My use went down drastically when I was in recovery from my leap of faith, to maybe like once every couple of months. it took me a good 6 months to recover and go back work, I suffer from really bad depression because of what I did too and i’m on anti depressents, my mental health doctor found out what id done and I’d told him I had a coke addiction and he obviously stopped me from getting my medication. Told me to get off the gear and I promised I would.

It’s a vile, nasty, horrible drug to be on. it’s your best friend and your worst enemy, I’ve had to get help and my use fell even further but I still take it to this day, it’s an incredibly difficult habit to kick, the thing that scares me is that it changes your brains chemistry so that you can’t feel natural pleasure anymore and that scares the **** out of me. I’ve relapsed more times then I can count.

But there is hope, I’ve had to force myself off it. Over the last few months i’ve been getting crippling paranoia after taking it, (I sniff alone in my room).. i mean that feeling is nasty, theres so many negative side effects of taking coke it just puts me off, I’m beginning to see the light, my cravings aren’t strong anymore at all they’re very easy to shut down. I just don’t want to live like this anymore, I’ve had enough. it’s time to dig deep and just say no. I’ve already been down that road and I managed to survive. I really don’t want to go there again. I’m not out the woods yet but I feel i’m making progress. I still use but it’s very minimal, next to nothing really but I want stay clean and i’m 100% detirmend too because the alternative isn’t something I want to think about.

My thoughts about coke are now entirely negative ones, my thought’s have completely changed and I know hate the drug so much it’s unreal, if it was a person i’d kill it.

[dre80]

Your story completely moved me, I was out of breath in a moment, I opened my mouth in surprise. I know and like a person who uses cocaine, he is very special, caring, loving, extremely polite as I have never met. I don’t want it in a situation like this, of the many that I read here. I felt an appreciation for your life, for your strength, your desire to live after all this. You were born again! and you will win this, strength is what I want from my heart. I also wish for strength for this special, extremely docile man, the most polite man I have ever met, this someone who made me feel good about being myself in my home. Too bad that many need pain, suffering to learn, including me, who would like to take this addiction out of you two with your hands. Strength friend, you are a great survivor, I wish you well and be well!

PS.I would also kill cocaine if it were a person, I hate it deeply, for stealing so precious people from us.

[Author]

Posts