[tannie]

My eldest child was your typical work hard, play hard sort of person, handsome, smart and ambitious; until he wasn’t anymore. Over the last 6 years his recreational use has spiralled downwards into an abyss of crack cocaine, heroin and any other substance he can get his hands on. He has lost countless homes and jobs, many friendships, work. The list goes on and on and is too depressing to write fully. He has changed from a loving father, brother, son and partner into someone I no longer recognise most of the time. Occasionally I see a glimpse of the person he used to be and it both gladdens me and breaks my heart. Sometimes I am hopeful and believe that he is still in there somewhere; he will be one of those who recover and live their best life. Most of the time I am in despair and patiently waiting for the knock or the phone call. I’ve chose his funeral music and who will carry him. That’s what you do when your child is an addict. In our local area they have started selling cocaine tainted with fentanyl so there have been a spate of deaths/near deaths in recent weeks and sleep is hard.

My youngest son was always a risk taker and that combined with low self esteem meant he easily succumbed to peer pressure and he had his first smoke of weed when he was12 years old. From then till he was 19 years old, he had many altercations with the Police and extensive intervention by services, until he was sectioned and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. From then till he was 22 he was placed in various psychiatric hospitals. He lives independently and lives with many symptoms that cause him distress and trauma. He is mainly complaint with his prescribed medication but occasionally he does use street drugs and this is usually leads to a worsening of his symptoms. He says that this is worth it.

The addiction issues are generational in my family – I know not one member who isn’t affected in one way or another. My youngest brother is currently in recovery, and though there have been many lapses and relapses he is a good place right now, so I know it can happen and I am trying to hang on to hope and keep breathing through the panic and fear. It’s so fucking hard though. Every part of me wants some relief from this feeling and maybe that will only come with the knock on the door or the phone call.

[r7byrne]

My heart goes out to you. I’ve too thought about my partners funeral how awful is that. He’s a drinker only 39 started drinking more when his dad passed away last year, he keeps saying he wants change but nothing has come of it yet because he’s so depressed and the drink has a hold of him too much, it’s an awful awful disease.

Keep strong x

[tannie]

Thank you for your words, it’s taken me years to reach out for some support. Most but not all family and friends have little empathy for my children anymore and that’s painful. It is an awful thing addiction. My sister is a sometimes functioning alcoholic of many years and I do think that the socially acceptable aspect of alcohol can make it even harder for the addict. I don’t know but maybe your partner would think about some bereavement counselling? I know sometimes with my sister over the years I have tried to focus on the issue causing her pain rather than her alcohol use. There’s lots of online stuff he could tap into whilst services are reduced. I take my hat off to people who stick by their affected others when they could walk away. There’s been many times I wish I could and many times I’ve tried but my resolution does not last long lol. They are my children and I will love them forever. You take care of yourself in all of this and I hope you have support around you xx

[r7byrne]

I can’t imagine what that must feel like to know your family feels that way about your children, I have a daughter so I know I would be heartbroken. So sorry that’s happening, of course you will love your children they are your children and that’s what mums do! 🙂

my partners best friend has kinda given up hope on him getting off the drink and says he’s being selfish, it’s an illness with depression and having to grieve for his Dad.

I do have support but it’s nice to connect with others that are going through similar situations.

Always here for a chat, look after yourself x x

[Author]

Posts