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I haven’t been on here in a while and that’s due to the fact I thought things were going to get better. For those who haven’t read my previous posts, I’m 22 years old and WAS the daughter of an alcoholic; my past posts tell of my struggle in trying to get my Dad off alcohol and to get him better. Unfortunately my Dad couldn’t get better and sadly passed away on the 15th April 2015.
I’m sharing my story because I want other addicts to know that you are not invincible and only you can help yourself. My Dad was only 44 years old with 2 daughters, a huge family and 1 beautiful granddaughter (my daughter).
My Dad had been drinking since the age of about 15, not heavily drinking just the occasional swig of his Dad’s home brew that he’d stolen, the heavy drinking came when he started his proper job working away from home. My mum used to put up with this as she thought it was normal and my Dad was never violent or aggressive, just drunk. My Dad was also an amazing father who provided for us and had the money to treat us all the time and take us anywhere we wanted, not to brag but my childhood was pretty much amazing, however, I never knew of the tolerance he had taken to alcohol.
Since then he used to drink about 8 cans of Strongbow a night, he wasn’t much of a social drinker, he drank at work when he was away but preferred to drink from home. When my Dad was 37 he got gout which was an effect of alcohol, he had to be laid off from work and on medication for the rest of his life, he was also told he had to reduce his alcohol intake. It was apparent then that he was an alcoholic as he couldn’t cut down. When my Dad was 39 my Mum and Dad split up, they had been together since they were 12 years old, she still loved him, she still loves him now, but couldn’t be with him and couldn’t have my sister and me around him full time.
When I was 17 I decided that I wanted to live with my Dad more and help him defeat his demons. It worked for a while, my Dad cried a lot and said he didn’t want to be an alcoholic and it was hard for him but he wanted to quit on his own, he didn’t want help from councilors or the doctors. He did really well and stopped for a year, went back to work, met someone else and got his life on track.
When I was 19, I moved away from Yorkshire to Sussex to be with my Mum and I met my partner and we moved in together. My Dad visited us a lot as he loved to be on the coast and I went and stayed with him and his girlfriend a lot. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my Dad relapsed while away in Germany and was rushed to hospital there and had an operation to stop his varices, in his throat, bleeding. This was such a sad time and everyone thought this would be a major turning point for him and he’d be able to stop…
It wasn’t, my Dad ended up in hospital again on Boxing Day 2013. I had given birth to my daughter in September 2013 and my Dad came to see her and stayed with me in October 2013, he looked well, but on Boxing Day he was in ICU in a coma. I went to Yorkshire and stayed by my Dad’s bedside for 2 weeks until he woke from his coma. It was then that I told him he had to come and live with me and he agreed, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to put us through this. While living with me he came out with my little family all the time, I made him 3 meals a day and he played with his granddaughter. He sought help by going to AA and seeing councilors but what I haven’t mentioned is that my Dad suffered with anxiety and depression and being part of these groups didn’t agree with him. He started to get very nervous and ill and locked himself away, he wouldn’t attend AA and couldn’t go to rehab or social housing like all the groups suggested. Due to this my Dad started drinking again, not only was he drinking but he was sneaking out in the middle of the night, coming home with urine everywhere, and hiding his drink. This wasn’t good and there was nothing I, or anyone, could do. I got him a flat of his own but he didn’t want to live on his own so I took him back to Yorkshire so he could be with the rest of his family and friends.
My Dad managed to stop drinking for a little while and had a huge support group of family and friends back in Yorkshire but alas this didn’t help. My Dad stopped drinking Strongbow, which he had drank all his life and moved onto vodka, whiskey and wine; nothing could stop him and no one could help him. On the 12th April my Dad visited an old place where he used to take me as a child, where he wanted his ashes scattered and he sent me photos of his trip, then on the 15th April he passed away in his sleep.
I know that he was peaceful and I know he is in a better place now, but for those of you who think you are invincible like my Dad did, he thought he had a million chances and that he could drink right up until he was 80, let me tell you that you can’t. It will catch up on you and if you have good things in your life please focus on them and get better, seek the help you need no matter what it is, don’t let the addiction win! Be strong!Thank you for letting me share my very long story with you all.
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I am so sorry to hear of your story and very sad that your dad has died. You must be a very strong person and were clearly an amazing support for your dad. If you feel you need to talk about your feelings The Icarus Trust has trained volunteers that you could be put in touch with. We are a charity that offers support for people who are affected by another’s addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org -
I’m so sorry for your loss but unfortunately know exactly how your feeling. I lost my mum in 2012 to alcohol, the hardest thing for me to understand is how she couldn’t stop drinking for us even her 5 grand kids. Trouble is when she was sober she didn’t think she had a problem. I’d like to think one day I’ll understand but the reality is I never will.
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